Psalm 33: Hope in the Lord

I don't know why I am driven to share these things but, here it is, today's “devotional”. I read Psalm 33 this morning and the thoughts wouldn't stop. I'm hoping these thoughts were words of God, whispered into my mind through scripture, not just me on a high horse.

“Behold, the eye of the Lord is on those who fear Him, on those who hope for His lovingkindness, to deliver their soul from death, and to keep them alive in famine.” Psalm 33:18-19

The word “famine” brought to mind the current economy. Our country is going through a hard time: the unemployment rate is climbing, the sense of fear and despair is growing, probably thoughts of suicide are intensifying. So many people's hope has been in this “leading nation”, their investments, other gods. Those hopes are proving to be futile vanity.

Do we fear God or do we fear the loss of material wealth?

“Our soul waits for the Lord; He is our help and our shield. For our heart rejoices in Him, because we trust in His holy name.” vs 20-21

It struck me that David wrote “our soul” as though his soul was shared with others, “our heart” as though sharing the same heart. It's as if the hope they shared unified them, brought them together as one unit.

Like the Body of Christ.

And that is the way the Body of Christ is supposed to function (Romans 12:3-5, 1 Cor 12:12-13); we have one purpose, one goal. We share that purpose and it binds us together. Or should.

“Let Thy lovingkindness, O Lord, be upon us, according as we have hoped in Thee.” vs 22

I better hope big, then. I better put all my hope in the Lord.

Proverbs 17:4

“An evildoer listens to wicked lips, a liar pays attention to a destructive tongue.” Proverbs 17:4

One thing I am constantly reminded of as I go through Proverbs every month is how human I am. Every day I read something about the wicked doing this or a fool is that way, and half the time I am reminded of myself. Yikes!

One example is:

“A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” Proverbs 15:1

I am very bad at controlling my temper. I often say things I regret. I know this, yet the next time I get angry I will once again say something in such a way that will piss someone off or hurt their feelings. Why? Where is my self-control in these situations?

“The one who guards his mouth preserves his life; the one who opens wide his lips comes to ruin.” Proverbs 13:3

Yeah, I have a big mouth. I’ve gotten myself in trouble many times for my big mouth.

“The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise man is one who listens to counsel.” Proverbs 12:15

How many times have a rejected what friends or others have said to me, without even really listening, because I so strongly felt that I was right? More often then I can count!

The first Proverb typed above is today’s reminder of my humanness. As I read it every month, it has called attention to one of the ways I react when I speak with friends. If a friend is sharing her woes with me, complaining about a coworker or another friend, I tend to talk big. “You shouldn’t put up with that type of treatment,” I say. Or, “I’d give that person a piece of my mind.”

The opposite is also true. If I am sharing my woes with a friend, she will usually also talk big. (The same “You shouldn’t put up with that; I’d give that person a piece of my mind” etc). And I listen to it!

Really? Am I Christian or do I subscribe to the juvenile idealism of “fairness“?

All we’re really doing is sewing strife into one another’s hearts (Proverbs 15:18). If this is true, how are we really supposed to react? What sort of counsel should we actually be striving to give and receive?

I guess that takes us to what Jesus said.

“But I say to you, love your enemies, and pray for those who persecute you in order that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven…” Matthew 5:44-45a.

Or what Paul, inspired by God, said:

“I, therefore, the prisoner of the Lord, entreat you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling with which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, showing forbearance to one another in love, being diligent to preserve the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.” Eph 4:1-3

Or what possibly another disciple (also inspired by God) said:

“…and let us consider how to stimulate one another to love and good deeds…” Hebrews 10:24.

While Proverbs is pointing out my humanness, it is also giving me hope. Just yesterday I read, “He who gives attention to the word shall find good, and blessed is he who trusts in the Lord.” Proverbs 16:20.

I fully believe that the Holy Spirit is working in me to convict me of my sins and inconsistencies so I can continue to grow in my relationship with the Lord. That’s a good thing. That makes me happy.

musings of the sick-in-bed

I am in my element here, ensconced on my bed with my computer propped before me on the box it came in; I call that my desk. A steaming cup of jasmine tea sits to my left in a cute, autumn-leaved mug, and the view out my window shows beautiful, yellowed maples.
I have been sick in bed and reading all morning. Joy! In high school I used to wish I would get sick so I could spend the whole day at home, in bed, reading. These days I do not wish for sickness because I do not get to stay home when I’m sick; instead, I trudge wearily off to work. I am in the food business so that should be a scary thought.
“Would you like whip cream on your mocha?” cough, cough!
The book I have found most interesting thus far today has been In His Steps by Charles M. Sheldon. My bet is you’ve never even heard of it, let alone read it. It reminds me of The Irresistible Revolution by Shane Claiborne although unlike Revolution, it is a novel.
It’s about part of the congregation of a church in a city called Raymond who pledge to do nothing for a year without first asking, “What would Jesus do?” This is not part of the fad that flashed through our society about 15 years ago, and I do not think this book is the reason that fad started. It is simply meant as an unpretentious awareness of who our Savior is and how He would behave were he, say, a business man, a rich young heiress, the editor of a prominent newspaper, etc. Each person is to act in accordance to what they believe Jesus would do in their personal situations without holding anyone else up to their personal standards so as to keep people from becoming judgmental. The pastor may be the only exception as it is his job to teach and exhort the way he believes Jesus would, meaning he must point out hypocrisy and preach against the local saloon.
I just looked up the word “saloon” to make sure I was not getting the meaning of that word wrong. This book was written in the late 1800s and some of the culture from then compares very differently from the present time. I think that a saloon of that time is where men congregated to drink and gamble.
I’m not very fond of gambling, though I admit I have gambled. As for drinking… I am frequently found with a glass of wine or a pint of beer in-hand. I never get drunk, but I do drink. I don’t see that as a sin so every time I read these parts of the book, I find myself cringing a little bit.
There is one young lady in this story who has “a fortune in her throat”, in other words, she can sing and is expected to make a career out of it. Within the first couple weeks of making the pledge, she denies the offers of two prestigious musical companies and announces to her mom that she’s going to sing for the White Cross meetings downtown. Because of her voice, people begin to flock to the meetings. Because of the message and the Holy Spirit, people begin to give their lives to Christ.
Books such as these make me think about my life and make me want to live in accordance to what I believe Jesus would do with my life. But I always feel like I’m on hold and have to wait until I have more time or money. Still, I have asked myself frequently over the past couple years, “What can I do now?”
One change that has taken place is my work ethic. I used to be a very inconsistent worker, both in what I accomplished and in my attitude. True, I cannot deny that I have different moods that are going to change the way I behave, but it does not have to be a critical difference. I decided that my moods were no longer going to effect how hard I worked or how I treated people at work, and I think I have done a fairly good job at this. I come to work to work now, not to make money. I am there to be a servant of the people I work for and with. I have become more consistent about asking, “Is there anything you wish I would do before I leave?” or “Is there anything I could be doing for you right now?” It’s the consistency that’s important; as my coworkers become accustomed to my asking this, they begin to realize that I mean it and that they really can ask me to do whatever it is that’s on their minds.
Another change I mentioned in a recent blog. I do my best to avoid being judgmental of the people around me. This one is especially difficult as the people around me are constantly complaining about this customer or that coworker. I admit, I have failed at this much more than I would like. But a huge change has recently transpired that I have noticed and wondered at. I love people!! I am amazed at how interested I am in every person who walks through the door at Bella Café.
This week a man came limping in, using his umbrella as a cane, wearing a very long, black raincoat and looking disheveled and nearly homeless. He piqued my curiosity immediately and, fortunately, was easy to get talking. He spoke of being forced into time off from work for disability because someone had hit him while he was crossing a street in the crosswalk. After a bit, he told me he’d just been over to a local restaurant and been treated like… poop. He spat the word like he was saying the more popular curse word. He was not treated like poop at Bella and even my coworker seemed to enjoy his visit.
We have customers who won’t talk to us, customers who won’t stop talking to us, customers who mispronounce their beverage, customers who never tip, and I find every one of them intriguing. And lovable! When did that happen?
But I want to do things outside of work as well. I want to learn to listen better. I want to learn to judge less. I want to serve more often at the Union Gospel Mission. I want to talk to more people on the streets (carefully, very carefully. But fearlessly!). I want to make wise decisions regarding men who are interested in me and who are not Christians.
Will you share with me, please, ways in which you have seen Christ molding you to the standard, “What would Jesus do?” I am so interested in knowing where God has been teaching and changing people.
And I would like to challenge you to read one, if not both, of these books, if you have not already. They’re worth it, I promise!
I forgot to finish my tea! Haha!

Proverbs 7:1-4

“My son, keep my words, and treasure my commandments within you. Keep my commandments and live, and my teaching as the apple of your eye. Bind them on your fingers; write them on the tablet of your heart. Say to wisdom, ‘You are my sister,’ and call understanding your intimate friend…” Proverbs 7:1-4

“Do not judge lest you be judged.” Matt 7:1

“You shall not take vengeance, nor bear any grudge against the sons of your people, but you shall love your neighbor as yourself; I am the Lord.” Leviticus 19:18

“And I shall delight in Thy commandments, which I love.” Psalm 119:47

One thing I have found that does not change between employees at Bella’s and those at Starbucks is the attitude toward customers; they all bitch about customers the same. It might be that the customer doesn’t talk loudly enough, wants whip cream on a nonfat mocha, or didn’t ask for ham on their sandwich and has an attitude when they receive a ham sandwich; it really doesn’t matter; the baristas always get pissy.

I’m trying so hard not to develop this same attitude. It’s hard! I have to bite back comments frequently.

Every time one forms in my mind I know my coworker will get a kick out of it but then I think about what might have made the customer behave that way and I realize that I am being judgmental and unloving.

Keep reminding me, Lord. Please help me not to fall into the trap of complaining about every customer’s little idiosyncrasies. Allow me the privilege of seeing things more from their perspective and just loving them because they’re my neighbors.

It’s not just to be like Jesus but because I love You and I love Your commandments. You’ve said these things for a reason; let Your words not fall on deaf ears.

Deep Calls to Deep

I think I am very blessed because occasionally, as I stumble down the road of life, I remember to follow my heart. It’s becoming more frequent but for now I can only be glad for the rare times that it happens.

This summer I decided to begin reading through Proverbs, one chapter every day, each chapter corresponding to the day of the month. I wasn’t sure what to expect but I thought I’d try, at least. I have found this book to be a pleasure to read. It’s delightful to read something out of Proverbs and be reminded of something Jesus said; it’s exciting to find that I am that familiar with the Bible.

On Sunday I read:

“The purposes of a man’s heart are deep waters, but a man of understanding draws them out.” Proverbs 20:5

First I was reminded of Psalm 42:7;

“Deep calls to deep in the sound of Your waterfalls; all Your waves and breakers have swept over me.”

Then I thought, is this man of understanding supposed to be Jesus?

So I checked to see if that verse referenced any other verses and found that it did:

“He reached down from on high and took hold of me; He drew me out of deep waters.” Psalm 18:16

I suddenly felt the desire to be alone with these verses somewhere where I could hear the crash of water, the roar of the deep. The desire was nearly overwhelming and I knew I would have to find the chance to escape as soon as possible. I called Cora Monday afternoon to get a few ideas and Tuesday I embarked on a mini adventure at Silver Falls State Park.

I left the Emersons’ just past 7:00, just as the sun lifted her warm, brazen face over the mountains and began to fight off the cold and the clouds. It was a beautiful morning but too early to know who the victor would be, sun or clouds, and I found myself wondering whether I’d brought enough clothes. The drive took longer than I expected but I love the country so I leaned into the curves of the road with zeal and wound my way to the park.

I reached the trail head and gazed along the path. I’d been to Silver Falls State Park only once, about three years ago, so today I would be exploring. I spent some time feeling indecisive; where should I start? Where should I go? I first tried Upper North Falls but, once I got there, decided that was not where I was meant to be. I finally decided on North Falls and took off along the Canyon Trail.

It was short but sweet. The path followed alongside the creek. I walked along, staring at the forest, until I came upon a set of stairs. I walked down the stairs, wondering when I would cross the creek and how close the waterfall was, then realized that the creek was plunging downward right beside me. The stairs ended and the path curved abruptly back on itself. The trail seemed to be carved out of rock that jutted out over the path. If I was taller, I would have to stoop. The trees blocking my view of the waterfall thinned and I saw that all the water shot out of a small fissure of rock and tumbled 136 feet to a dark pool below. Looking up, it seemed as if the forest ended abruptly. How can the forest sit on that slab of rock? I wondered, for just below the forest a rock cliff protruded, like a child’s pouty lower lip, and rolled back in to create a cavern-like indentation. The path was etched through the back of the cavern, behind the waterfall.

I was delighted. Ideally, I had wanted to sit behind a waterfall, but short of a 5 mile hike along Eagle Creek in the Gorge, I had no idea where to find a waterfall I could sit behind. God had provided. There were even little benches set up inside the cavern.

I “set up camp” on one bench, pulling out my journal, Bible, and pens. I opened my journal and wrote:

“Deep calls to deep in the sound of Thy waterfalls; all Thy breakers and Thy waves have rolled over me.”

Pushing me down, pushing, pushing, encouraging me toward the depths of my own heart.
Who are you? What are you doing here?

Pushing. Deeper.

I must search the deep.

I thought of the time I got stuck in a riptide at Rockaway Beach. The surf had pounded against me, pushing me down. But I had a pfd on and I could only go down so far before I popped back up.

Then I thought of the time I listened to a speaker from Imago Dei tell of an experience he had while surfing. A wave had crashed over him and pulled him down, down, down. Somewhere down there, under the ocean, time stopped for the intrepid surfer and he experienced God; the deep pounded around him like a heartbeat of enormous proportions. He did not fear; God is love.

All Thy breakers and Thy waves have rolled over me, pushing me down.

I don’t want a life jacket for this; I don’t want to hover at the surface.

My voice sounded small next to the roar of the waterfall. I was attempting lectio divina, “sacred reading”. It was sacred; God was there. I invited Him to be a part of what I was doing and then I corrected myself:

No, I’m asking that I can share this with You; that You’ll let me be a part of what You’re doing.

Deep calls to deep… it’s the searching of the Holy Spirit within my own soul. “Do you trust Me?” He asks. Mostly I do, Lord. In my mind, certainly. In my heart? Mostly.

“He reached down and took hold of me; He drew me out of deep waters.” Psalm 18:16

I was here reminded of the lyrics of my current theme song:

Whatever You’re doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there’s peace
And though it’s hard to surrender
To what I can’t see
I’m giving in to something heavenly

Except I’m lacking the peace part I wrote.

I began to think of how, in training, we learned that if ever we got stuck swimming in a low head dam, we would need to allow the current to sweep us to the bottom of the river, then crawl along the bottom until we were free of the swirling current. That is the only way out. Horror story! I think it would be natural for any human (who wasn’t in counter panic) to try and fight their way out. I would probably swim my hardest to try and get out - and get wrapped up in all the debris also stuck in the churning waters.

I am stuck in chaotic, churning waters. I’m struggling, constantly struggling, trying to find the surface. In my attempts I am merely entangling myself worse than before, creating more sin and attempting to avoid facing the consequences thereof.

This song by Sanctus Real uses the word “surrender”. Have I done that? I’m experiencing the chaos but not so much the peace. If I surrender, I am assured that He will reach down from on high and take hold of me and draw me out of deep waters. Why? Because He delights in me (Psalm 18:19b). So simple.

Deep calls to deep. The Holy Spirit is present. Surrender to Jesus, to God, and let Him draw me out. Me! The King of heaven and earth asks me to surrender so He can draw the Raychel He created out of deep waters and allow her to stand, free of sin, and live a life worthy of the calling of Jesus.

“I love You, oh Lord, my strength.
The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge.
He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.
I call to the Lord, who is worthy of praise, and I am saved from my enemies…
“He reached down from on high and took hold of me; he drew me out of deep waters.
He rescued me from my powerful enemy, from my foes, who were too strong for me.
They confronted me in the day of my disaster, but the Lord was my support.
He brought me out into a spacious place; He rescued me because He delighted in me.”
Psalm 18:1-3, 16-19

Personality Profile

The other day my director, Curt, handed me a small stack of papers and said, “Would you take these personality tests and get them back to me as soon as you can?”

My reaction was funny, but typical (for me). Inside I couldn’t wait to get those tests alone and figure myself out. Outwardly I balked, claiming that if I took the test Curt would merely “box” me and never allow me to be “just me” again.

“No,” he explained, “these are just to help me figure out how you’re going to fit into the team.”
“Exactly!” I declared, “You’re going to let this personality test tell you how to treat me. I’m not sure this is a good idea at all.”

I then scampered immediately to my desk and started taking the test. This test has 40 rows, each row made up of four words that begin with the same letter. I was to mark the word that described me the best. The words didn’t necessarily have to relate to each other in any way such as this row: planner, patient, positive, promoter. Or this row: daring, delightful, diplomatic, detailed (I picked “delightful”, of course).

I remember one row of “s” words: sure, spontaneous, scheduled, shy. I checked “sure” and then sat there for 10 minutes trying to figure out if that was right. I finally laughed, erased the check next to “sure”, and checked a different word.

Another row went: adventurous, adaptable, animated, analytical. I took this to Cora and said, “I don’t think I’m any of these! We all know I’m not really adventurous, it’s something I’ve been working on. I’m not a big fan of change so I wouldn’t say I’m adaptable. I can be animated but it really just depends on my mood. Maybe that’s the closest -”

“Raychel, didn’t you say one was “analytical”? Check that one.”

It took me a few hours, asking a couple friends’ opinions, and much laughter before I finally finished the test (Cora said Curt gave her that test months ago and she just keeps forgetting to do it so I guess a few hours isn’t too bad). I tallied up the points and discovered…

I have multiple personalities.

It’s true; I scored “13” for two personality types and “12” for a third. No wonder I have issues!
My 13s were “sanguine” and “philegmatic”; my 12 was “melancholy”. I received a “2” for choleric; I could have told you before taking the test that I wasn’t choleric.

When I discovered my multiple personalities, I brought the test back to Curt. “Ha! I win! You can’t box me; I’m everything.” I felt a little smug.

Curt took the test from me and looked it over. “This is good,” he said. “This means you have all of these attributes. Of course, there’s a lot of tension between the “sanguines” and the “melancholies” so I’ll bet you have a lot of conflict going on inside you. And if you’re also “philegmatic” that tension’s probably never being resolved.

He made me feel like a bomb about to explode.

But, whatever, part of me continues to worry that I did something wrong and wonder if I should retake the test. Another part of me is glad that my inability to figure myself out has finally been explained. I have a few friends who think they’ve figured me out. They just don’t understand that I’m incomprehensible. If you ever decide that you have someone figured out, please keep in mind that you are seeing them through the filter of yourself, not objectively as you would like to think. If you have someone “figured out” you probably don’t know them at all.

I’m a moody person; I don’t know why, I just am. The same comment made by two different people, or the same person at different times, will effect me differently. My reaction depends on where I’m standing, what I’m wearing, how I feel about that, how I feel in general, where the other person’s standing, their body language, the last thing they said to me, how well I know them, how I know them, how tired I am, what time of the month it is, the list is inexhaustible.

There’s really no reason for me to write all this out except that I love to write my thoughts out. Except, as I type that I realize that there is some point to this. In my search to figure myself out I have discovered much of who I want to be. I want the ability to laugh at my faults, because I know that I am human and with that comes imperfection. But in order to be able to laugh at my faults, I must gain humility and accept my faults as part of who I am.

I have faults, and it’s easy to admit that, but when anyone gets into the specifics of what those faults are, I’m more than likely to get snappy. Yet I want to be the type of person who can admit those faults, and laugh them off. Not carelessly, as though they don’t matter, but humorously, able to see the fallibility of my own self.

I have had much time to think through some of this stuff and have just deleted quite a few hurtful sentences about one friend in particular. I had taken out her name but, if she had read this, she would have known right away that it was she I wrote of, and I think I would have badly hurt her feelings.

I have always considered myself “inconsistent” but recently I came to the conclusion that that’s not the problem. I am consistent; when I am tired I get snappy and sensitive; when I am not tired I am pleased to joke around.

A few mornings ago at YD, we were given the opportunity to share what we did over Labor Day weekend. I got snappy trying to describe a tree that I had fallen in love with at the Rose Gardens; one friend began making fun of me and then another said, “If this is how it’s going to go, this is going to take a long time.” I already didn’t want to be there. I am not necessarily physically tired but I am emotionally drained and, that morning, those stupid comments pushed me over the edge.

“You guys are pissing me off. Sorry, I’m really tired, but you are.” I then shut down and didn’t say another word but thought many sarcastic and cutting things as everybody else shared.

Throughout the next couple days I proceeded to feel ugly, angry, resentful, morbid. I hurt and wanted to blame someone for the pain. I felt ugly and I wanted to hide that from other people. I was unlovable and it made me hate everyone.

Yes, I heard It, though I barely listened to It the first time. Fortunately, the message was repeated the next day through Harmony who pulled me aside and said, “Raychel, you are loved. Even when you feel like this and you think you are unlovable, you are loved.”

I hadn’t said anything to anybody.

This is supposed to be about my personality and instead it’s becoming spiritual. But, really, how can we take the spiritual out of real life? It’s there, whether we recognize it or not; and I have no idea how much the spiritual has to do with my personality. What I do know is that I need the Holy Spirit to teach me how to deal with the person I am. I have been thinking a lot about the ticking bomb words Curt spoke to me and I realize that there really is a lot of conflict inside of me, and I have no idea how to deal with it. But I’m going to have to figure that out before I explode.

It’s happened before; I have snapped, cracked into a million pieces. I seriously thought about how freeing it would be just to die and not have to cry, to feel the pain, anymore. I don’t want to go through that again. Thankfully, this time I know I belong to a God who also wants to see me heal and become whole. I think a lot of what I’m battling right now is Him opening up my soul and cleaning out all the crumb and filth. I wish we could do it painlessly but God doesn’t work like that because we humans don’t grow like that.

Jesus felt the weight of all the world’s sins on His sinless shoulders. Perhaps God is just giving me a small taste of what He went through so I can learn how much that sacrifice meant.
Meanwhile, I have to learn how to deal with conflict in a healthy way before I explode. And I have to learn that I am loved, even when I feel unlovable.

I actually feel a strong urge to run away right now, and I think it’s a healthy urge. I have been busy, busy, busy, doing, doing, doing, for a long, long time and I need a break. I need some time to seek God in silence and solitude. I need the opportunity to listen, without dogs barking or time constraints. The only problem is, I can’t follow through with this urge.

Tick, tick, tick…

Newsletter the Fifth: God answers our prayers

In January our director, Curt, introduced a book to staff entitled “The Prayer Life” by Andrew Murray. It’s a really good book, I would suggest it to anyone; it spurred a great deal of change in the way we view prayer for our ministry, which has created some wonderful and fruitful ideas at YD Adventures, OR.

For one thing, we have a prayer room now. We divided the day into hour-long slots and staff sign up for one slot each at the beginning of the day. There we go to talk to God about our trips. We ask Him to be our focal point; we put the trips in His hands; we ask that students hearts would be ready, that our words would be His, that teens would see Jesus in us and come to understand His love for them.

I have noticed a more apparent emphasis on prayer before and during trips. Our trip leaders have made it clear that we can’t do anything unless that’s what God’s doing and that we must ask for His help.

This summer has been incredible! The desires of my heart are no longer just thoughts lodged in there waiting for God knows what; they are realities lived out by my friends and me here at YD Adventures. We pray that students see Jesus in us - and they do! We pray for the right words to speak - and then speak them! We pray for teens’ hearts to be ripe - and they ask Jesus to be their Lord and Savior! But it’s not us; it’s Christ in us, and it’s so exciting!

I spent the off-season and all of training praying that this summer would be the one that I would really step up and let Christ use me. I want to bow my head and weep in humble adoration as all the memories of this summer wash over me and I realize that I stepped up, and God used me. I was driving a friend home from base the other day and I said, “I think, of our three summers, this one has been the best.” He agreed and I continued, “I think it’s because we invited God and He showed up.” He agreed again.

You want stories? I’ve got stories.

I trip led one particular youth group for the second year in a row this summer. I love that because I am familiar with the students and their struggles. I think it was a surprise to one girl to discover that I remembered that one of her greatest fears is heights; last summer she climbed a little but never rappelled (in fact, as I was explaining how to rappel, she sat there and bawled her eyes out in fear, without even being near the cliff!). Remembering this before the trip, my staff and I prayed that she would be able to conquer this fear. This year she faced and conquered her fear of heights by rappelling down that cliff! It was a huge break-through for her and built up her confidence quite a bit. On her evaluation card she wrote that the rock climbing was a big part of the spiritual growth she experienced on the trip.

On another trip I remember that we specifically prayed that the students would see Jesus in us and experience God’s love through us and be drawn to that. I led devotions on the first morning and asked them to read Romans 8, esp verses 35-39. I told them that nothing, not the things other people did nor the things we did, could separate us from the love of God. I asked them, as they read, to pray that God would reveal to them the things they believed separated them from His love and that He would show them how far from the truth that is.

That theme just kept presenting itself throughout the trip. We talked about listening for God’s voice, stepping out in faith, abiding in Christ, all because God is Sovereign and loving and knows what’s best for us. We began to get comments from the leaders, “The students have been commenting about how real you guys are. It’s really cool.” I remember specifically coming away from one discussion that I led and a leader came to me and said, “That was exactly what these guys needed to hear. Thank you.”

On the last night we took the group for a walk and Christina (coworker, we just call her C) presented the gospel in the darkness of night. The stars were out, the night was cool, we could here coyotes and owls, and a shooting star streaked the night sky. C began in Genesis, talking about Creation and the fall of man, the love of God and how that led Him to give us a way out, all so we could be reconciled and back in relationship with Him. We then sent them back alone in the night (we call it a solo walk) and asked them to find one of their leaders and talk to them about how the story of their life fits into the story of the Bible, and any decision God asked them to make about living that out.

The next morning we heard unanimously from all the leaders that students had responded positively. One girl in particular said her parents sent her on all the retreats and camps they could and she was always the “bad girl” because she didn’t want to be there. She said she had recently challenged God to show her His love and now, through the conversations and activities and the love the YD staff exhibited, she felt He had answered her prayers and that she really, really wanted to move forward in relationship with Him.

On my last trip we did an activity called “Voices of the World” and talked about being the beloved and learning to tune out all the other voices that tell us what to do and how to do it and what we should be but can’t and just listen to the voice that says, “I love you. You are My beloved.” The next day on my boat I asked the students what God had been teaching them on the trip and one girl said, “He’s teaching me that I can hear His voice, if I am listening for it, and that the ways in which He speaks are infinite; He speaks through the Bible, nature, other people, and so many other ways.”

There’s more; this has been a wealthy summer in terms of students giving their lives to Christ for the first time or recommitting. Also, I have never seen so many personal issues be brought up before; on more than one trip students have admitted that they were thinking about suicide or that their parents were physically abusing them. This is big stuff!

This summer has been bathed in prayer and God has been incredibly faithful and loving throughout. I love to see Him at work!

Please continue to pray; I leave today for another trip and am pretty close to completely worn out. Still, I’m excited to see what God does!

Nickname

I think I wounded my dad today. Of course, I didn’t mean to; I was so caught up in myself I really wasn’t thinking of him at all. The only thing I did was ask him not to call me a nickname he sometimes uses on me. I hate this nickname because it’s the same nickname my last two boyfriends used on me - Baby. It’s like nails on chalkboard for me. The problem is, I’m not really sure if I asked him not to use to because it honestly bothers me or because the last time I told him I didn’t like it he told me to get over it. Is it more that my pride is upset or that I honestly detest that nickname?

He told me again today to get over it. Actually he said, “You need to let go.”

I responded, “I need you to stop calling me that.”

“No, you need to let go,” he repeated.

“I need you to stop calling me that.”

“Ok, but you also need to let go and heal from the past.”

“I’m dealing with that,” I told him and then he got up and left the room. Immediately I felt guilty of just making the gulf between us even wider and being stubborn just for pride’s sake.

On Sunday my pastor talked about Eph 6:1-4. For me this passage only brought up the same questions I asked myself in January. Am I being dishonorable to my parents by moving out? My brother lost his temper, picked me up, and threw me against a metal bed frame and then to the floor. I hurt the next and had bruises where people shouldn’t have bruises - on my lower back.
I remember, after the fight ended, my dad, holding me in his arms, as though to say, “Don’t worry, baby, you’re safe where your daddy is.” But he was there! The whole time! And I got hurt! And every night for years before that I locked my bedroom door when I slept because I worried that I was going to say the wrong thing and Asher was going to come in during the night and murder me! As he held me I just felt really awkward because I knew that it was going to take more than a hug to deal with this abuse.

It was the next day that I told my parents, either Asher moves out or I’m moving out, but I’m not living with someone whom I’m afraid might hurt me. I think my dad took that as, “I don’t trust you to keep me safe in your household,” because his response was a snarled, “Then move out.”

Did I do the right thing? One of the Ten Commandments is “Honor your father and your mother…” (Deut 5:16). Paul repeats this assertion in his letter to the Ephesians. Have I dishonored my parents when I moved out? For some reason my dad chose to take my decision very personal.

I know, I started out talking about a nickname. My relationship with my dad is just really awkward right now and I’m trying to take steps to change that (and I’m sure he is as well) and none of us are real good at sitting down and just dealing with the conflict.

Maybe that’s what needs to happen; a conversation about us, him and I. Oh, man, that’s going to take a lot more courage than I have!

Time to Choose the Truth

I just spent three rounds of the song “Sweetly Broken” by Jeremy Riddle crying, laughing, wordlessly worshiping God. Now I’m going to share with you why.

My summer has been incredibly difficult so far. You may be thinking, “Summer just started, dear.” For me, summer started on May 15(ish) when training for YD started. We have a ton of fun but there’s a lot of work involved and I think Satan starts attacking us right away, whether it’s stroking our pride or telling us we’re not good enough to be there.

At some point near the end of training, God spoke to me though James 1:21-25, reminding me that He spent the fall and winter months teaching me who He was, and now He was calling me to live that knowledge out in faith, being sure that He is everywhere, almighty, faithful, just, loving, all those glorious things I read about. I wasn’t quite sure how that was supposed to look, except that I should trust Him while on trips and be bold and faithful and speak to kids the Truth that He taught me.

However, I’ve been going around crippled, believing that God is who He says He is but not believing I am who He says I am. I’ve been feeling very uncomfortable whenever one of my YD friends let it be known that they believed in me, had faith in God working through me, or if someone complimented something about me. I just couldn’t believe it; I thought, “They have no idea. I’m so not worth their kindness. I’m a mess. I am unacceptably worthless.”

It doesn’t help that I’ve been exhausted. I always get over emotional and start believing all sorts of awful things when I’m tired. However, this time it spilled over and I found myself sitting in my room wondering why one friend said I was loved and special but, I thought, her actions said otherwise. One distant part of me kept screaming, “Lies! You’re believing lies!” But a louder part of me said, “Christians have to say you’re special and loved. The truth is you’re not worth her time, her love, even the words she uses to tell you good things.”

Suddenly it struck me that a few months ago, while visiting with a friend, I told her that I’d finally discovered which voice is the Holy Spirit’s. “It’s the one that tells me I’m doing things right,” I told her. I meant the voice that affirms, that says good things to me, not the voice that condemns me or makes me feel insecure or tells me I’m worthy only of loathing.

Which voice am I listening to right now? Why? It may be loud but even if Satan is screaming, he can’t drown out the Truth.

Suddenly, I got angry. I began to yell at Satan, telling him I am sick of his lies and that I refuse to believe them anymore. I told Satan that in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ he it was time he left me alone. Then I began to pray, asking God, “Who am I, then?”

I remembered a sheet of paper I received from my church that had all the “Who I Am in Christ” statements done in calligraphy by a friend of mine. I had set these statements aside because I was letting God teach me who He is, without the distraction of who that makes me. I grabbed it off my shelf and began to read, pray, and rejoice over them.

The very first statement is, “I am accepted.” The tears of joy came right away. For a long time now I have been carrying around this burden of believing I am unacceptable. I can’t receive the compliments my friends give because I think they don’t realize how unworthy I am. I always think, “You don’t know how lazy I am. I never pull my weight! Everyone works harder than me. You don’t know how hateful I am. You don’t know how unsure I am. Everyone else is worthy of these compliments, but I’m not.” This is something I discovered just the other day, that I can’t receive good things from my friends; as I realized it I asked God, “Do I accept Your love for me? Do I accept the things You say about me?” I couldn’t answer this question for myself; I needed God to show me.

So this day He showed me; I have been believing the lies of Satan over the Truths of God. Do you know what this means? I am being disobedient to God! I am not believing what the Word of God says!

To believe what Satan says over what God says - what a tragedy! No wonder I feel crippled. No wonder I feel inhibited.

On my myspace profile I stole a quote from Nichole Nordeman, “Did I choose to love?” Now is the time to choose the Truths of the Bible over the lies of Satan. I already know God is who He says He is. What is holding me back from believing I am who He says I am? Nothing! Except me! I must choose to believe God!

It’s so humbling when I think about it. Jesus wants us to submit to Him and believe in Him and this means believing in these good things He boldly proclaims about us. We don’t deserve it but it’s true nonetheless. Waiting until I deserve it is a waste of time because it’s true now. What am I waiting for?

I pray everyday to serve my Lord. How can I do that if I am handicapped by lies? The Truth sets me free so I can serve my Lord unreservedly, uninhibitedly. I am accepted as a vessel of the Holy Spirit, a voice of the Lord, a servant of Jesus, a child of God, a friend and disciple of Jesus. I am secure, freed of all condemnation by the blood Jesus shed on the cross, knowing that all things work toward the good of those who believe and love God, unable to be separated from the love of God, confident that God will complete the good works He has begun in me. I am significant, a branch of Jesus Christ and a channel of His life, a temple of God, seated with Jesus in the heavenly realm. These are but a few of the bold claims Jesus and His disciples have claimed about me.

I am FREE!!!!

Lord Jesus Christ, I pray You help me to believe the claims You’ve made to the depths of my soul. Help me to choose Your Truths over Satan’s lies, reminding me of who You say I am. Help me to live these things out, learning to boldly live as one loved and cherished by You.

Sweetly Broken by Jeremy Riddle
To the cross I look,
To the cross I cling
Of its suffering I do drink,
Of its work I do sing
For on it my Savior,
Both bruised and crushed
Showed that God is love
And God is just.
At the cross You beckon me
You draw me gently to my knees, and I am
Lost for words, so lost in love,
I’m sweetly broken, wholly surrendered
What a priceless gift,
Undeserved life
Have I been given
Through Christ crucified.
You’ve called me out of death,
You’ve called me into life
And I was under Your wrath,
Now through the cross I’m reconciled.

Be Still part 2

No, this is not another blog about my boss. This is just stuff I've been learning; little things God's been showing me during our time together in the morning.

Lately I have begun to know that in order to truly understand the New Testament, I must become familiar with the Old Testament. There are a lot of things not said in the gospels, I think because they were just understood during those times and we have lost the meaning of them throughout the centuries. Today theology students can tell me what they're taught to know. Some things are totally up for debate.

Why did Jesus hush the demons before they could proclaim Him as the Lord?

Did Jesus always know He came for the Gentiles as well as the Jews?

What does it mean when Jesus says He did not come to judge (John 12:47) but before then He'd told everyone that's why God sent Him (John 5:22; John 9:39)?

What was Jesus writing in the sand when the Pharisees and the scribes brought the adulterous woman to Him for judgment?

Here is where I think knowledge of the OT helps make things clear. The other day I stumbled upon Jeremiah 17:13:

“Those who turn away from you will be written in the dust.”

Perhaps Jesus was writing names? Was He adding these men to the “list” of those who have forsaken God? Was He taunting them? Perhaps the Pharisees went home that day, thought over the situation with the sinful woman, and remembered Jesus writing in the dirt, and then were reminded of this verse in the Holy Scriptures and burned with anger over the audacity of the Carpenter Boy from Nowhere.

Or perhaps, as my Bible suggests, this situation never happened.

I read Yancey's entire book, “The Jesus I Never Knew” and didn't realize that what he was saying was, as Madeleine L'Engle simply put it, “The Jews expected Jesus to be a political leader like King David.” They didn't realize He was God. And who would, considering the way He presented Himself: the omniscient, omnipotent, eternal God being born as a baby who had to learn how to walk, talk, read, and who had to have His diapers changed. Even His disciples didn't know Him for who He really is.

Yesterday morning I was reading Mark 4:35-41 and the language used struck me as familiar.
The disciples and Jesus are in a boat crossing (I'm assuming) the Sea of Galilee. There is a storm so big their boat starts to sink and Jesus is sleeping away at the stern, probably exhausted after many days of intense ministry. The disciples are terrified and wake Him up, “We're going to die! How can you sleep?” they tell him (that was add-libbing, not a quote).

“[Jesus] got up, rebuked the wind, and said, 'Quiet! Be still!' Then the wind died down and it was completely calm.” vs 39

“Be still,” He said.

I have spent a lot of time lately in Psalm 46 because God is teaching me to be still. The psalm begins, “God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.” From there the Sons of Korah imagine a scene of ultimate terror: the earth is falling apart! Nations are terrified! Earthly kingdoms are proven impermanent. Through all of this they rest secure in the knowledge of Almighty God.

At the end of the psalm, God tells us to be still and know that He is God. In the story in Mark God, as Jesus, tells the wind and the waves to be still. He then asks the disciples, “Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?” And the disciples were terrified and responded, “Who is this? Even the wind and the waves obey Him!”

He is God!

Jesus gave the disciples the opportunity to “be still” in the storm and know that He is God. They did not know, but the storm did! The storm knew the voice of its Creator when He spoke.
I pray I learn to be still and know that He is God. I want to be in the midst of a storm and know He is God. I want that kind of faith. But is it possible that when I'm in a storm and cannot recognize the Lord with me, He will tell it to be still, thus revealing His presence to me?

Redeemed

A couple weeks after “the incident” with my boss I was told to put fly line on reels again. This requires that I use a little machine (the best name I can come up with is a “reel machine”) with a foot peddle that is used to spin a little motor which has a crank attached to it. I lock a reel into the crank and spin backing onto the reel. Then I tie fly line to the backing and spin that onto the reel. The backing always comes on a nice little spool so I can hold it between my fingers as it spins onto the reel but the fly line Grigg had me using this day did not come on a spool – it was just a coil of line. There were spools available to put the fly line onto but the spools were too big to fit in my hand and if they were even slightly bumped they broke open, at which point all the fly line unwound and – poof! – I had a rat’s nest on my hands which took plenty of time to untangle. I found the easiest way to deal with this unspooled fly line was to unwind it, stretching it out across the floor. I would still have occasional tangles to deal with but no rat’s nests.

Through the morning I worked on these reels consistently and as quickly as I could. Productivity is important to Grigg and if I go slower than he has deemed productive, he will take the task away from me.

When I stopped to take a break, Dave went back to check my work. He came back to the break room to tell me, “You’ve been averaging about 10 reels an hour. I can do between 20 and 30 an hour. You need to catch up to that.” He didn’t really say it kindly.

I went back and worked at a speed that left me feeling frantic and stressed. I got up to 17 an hour and felt like a failure. Dave came out and saw me stretching fly line across the floor and said, “It’s easier if you use those spools. No wonder you’re going so slow.” But I explained how the fly line tended to tangle a lot more if I used the spools. Still, he didn’t seem satisfied with my work.

After awhile I began to realize that the level of stress I felt came from my unhealthy fear of Dave Grigg. I did not want the punishment of hearing all my faults (even as made-up in the mind of Dave Grigg as they were) laid out for me and set to the tune of blame and self-righteous indignation. I spent a few days praying that God would help me take Dave off the throne of wrathful deity in my heart, allowing God complete Kingship once again.

We ran out of backing a couple days later and I was set free from the task for a few weeks. Recently we got backing and more fly line in and I was asked to continue this task.

I began the task with trepidation, worrying that I still wouldn’t be able to go fast enough (even though the new fly line came on a spool) and that Dave would get frustrated with me again. Then I began making up conversations with him in which he approached me to give me a “talking to” but I had a few words for him in retaliation. When I was through bashing Dave I moved on to other people and incidences in my life that are a frustration.

And so I discovered that stress can open the door for Satan to harass me.

I realized after a few hours of this that I hadn’t had a positive thought all morning. I begin praying for help. Every time the bad thoughts began, I had to stop them and begin praying again. It takes a lot of discipline at a level which I can’t seem to keep up so the day never got any better for me.

That evening I read a verse suggested for our discussion at home community:

“Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.” 1 Peter 5:6

It was interesting to read that after my day at work so I continued to read and found: “And the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm, and steadfast.” 1 Peter 5:10.

For some reason I found comfort in these words and I knew I would need some sort of defense the next day at work. However, I remembered that one of the things Dave had expressed disgruntlement about was my reading my Bible on the job (“I’m glad you’re in the Word but you shouldn’t do it on my time.”) I knew, but he didn’t know, that all I do is open my Bible, glance at the verse, then leave the Bible open to remind me of what I am focusing on. I don’t sit there and spend 5 minutes looking for something juicy to read and then spend another 15 minutes meditating on this juicy stuff and then, with a final 5 minute prayer, get back to work.

The next day I approached Dave and asked him if I could have my Bible out and told him what it is I do with it. He then wanted to know what was going on that made me need to seek defense in God’s word. I couldn’t tell him that he had caused so much stress for me that Satan had found an open door with which to harass me so I told him about something else going on in my life which was sufficiently juicy enough that he was satisfied. We prayed and he let me go, complete with gracious permission granted to have my Bible open.

I need to stop the attitude toward this man!

As I worked, I timed myself and, as I had noticed the day before, I was consistently finishing almost 10 reels every 20 minutes! I was so proud I went and told Dave at the end of the day how well I was doing. His response was, “Now do you want to see who can do it faster?” (Another thing he was angry with me about that one day was that I had denied him the opportunity to compete with me over who could bag these little fly boxes faster. I was new and he was making me nervous and I told him I wasn’t very competitive.)

“Let’s do it!” I said.

We dragged Krista out of her office and went out to the warehouse. I gave her my watch so she could use the stopwatch to time us. First I went, then Dave. I was sure he would kick my butt (he was sure he’d kick my butt too). I beat him by 5 seconds!

So there you have it; Raychel has been redeemed in the eyes of Dave Grigg. I’m so relieved God requires faith, not works.

Grace and Mercy

A couple weekends ago God was speaking to me about something I didn't really want to hear. I've been reading through the Gospels again (you really can't do that too much or too often) but this time much, much more slowly than ever before and the Bible I've been using is a chronological one. One morning I read a part from Luke 4 after Jesus went to His home town and read and taught from Isaiah:

“All spoke well of Him and were amazed at the gracious words that came from His lips. 'Isn't this Joseph's son?' they asked.
“Jesus said to them, 'Surely you will quote this proverb to me: “Physician, heal yourself! Do here in your hometown what we have heard that you did in Capernaum.”' Luke 4:22-23

My parents are proud to share that when I was a baby they had me dedicated and the one who did the dedication was the founder of their church, John Robert Stevens. They also love to brag that my dedication became something special for my dad; JRS laid hands on my dad and prophesied that he would be a prophet of love.

I've heard this over and over throughout my life but over the years it has lost its special flavor and become moldy and unpalatable.

A prophet of love, eh? Show me, dad, where's the love in your family? How do you show your love to your family? Oh, wait, you messed up, didn't you.

“Physician, heal yourself!”

I'm pretty sure I want as much ammo against my dad as possible so I have excuses not to engage in a relationship with him. But then God started showing me about the difference between grace and mercy.

Grace is God's (and our) ability to forgive. Mercy is what that relationship looks like after the forgiveness happens. Grace and mercy are both a two-way street.

In order to accept God's grace, we must recognize that we have been living in sin, that God has every right and reason to reject us, but that, if we accept His forgiveness, we can receive His grace and live in a right relationship to Him. The “right relationship” is mercy. Once we have accepted His grace, we can have a relationship with Him through prayer, reading our Bibles, and fellowship. But we must be able to accept that His grace gives us the opportunity to relate to Him, and then be willing to spend time developing that relationship. God never withholds grace or mercy from us; what He wants more than anything is relationships with His children.

Then He tells us to forgive and live in “right relationships” with one another. I have been working on extending grace to my dad but I have been very unwilling to extend mercy. In other words, I am withholding myself from a relationship with him – in a sense, punishing him for being a weird and distant father.

This doesn't mean that our relationship should look like every perfect father-daughter relationship, or should be everything he ever dreamed it could be. God can give all of Himself. Often we cannot – and I think that's alright. When my dad calls me “baby” or kisses me on the back of the neck, he makes me feel uncomfortable; we're not that close and I can't pretend that we are so I have every right to ask him to stop. Still, I should find time to sit down at a meal with him and have a conversation, maybe call his phone every once in a while to see how he's doing.

I don't need any more ammo against my dad; what I need is to obey my Lord and remember what it cost Him to give us Himself. He wanted relationships with us so badly that He was willing to give up His Son's life. His Son asked us to be like the Father, forgiving and being merciful to one another.

“Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.” Luke 6:36

I'm not giving myself excuses but it's really hard to put into practice. When I'm around my dad I feel nearly repelled by him; I want nothing to do with him at all. A friend of mine recently said, “Pray about that specifically! Pray about it a lot.” And so I shall.

I finished “Bright Evening Star” by Madeleine L'Engle and I strongly recommend it. I have requested another of her books from the library because I liked this one so much.

Challenging Possibilities

I have started reading the book “Bright Evening Star” by Madeleine L’Engle, in which she contemplates the Incarnation. It’s a wonderful book! I’m loving every word. She talks about discoveries in science: Galileo’s theory that the earth is not actually the center of the universe; Bruno’s claim of the existence of a plurality of worlds and their eternity; Darwin’s theory of evolution.

“Our growth in knowledge changed our understanding of the universe, but surely it neither changed nor threatened God…Could God love us as much if we were merely a planet in an ordinary solar system in a spiral galaxy, instead of the center of the universe? To some people it seemed that the intimate God who loves us, knows us, blesses us, could not be great enough to cope with the billions of galaxies flying away from us and still have attention for us creatures. But yes! Yes, our God is great enough to love us despite the enormity of Creation.”

I once read most of the book “The Case for a Creator” and I remember coming away with the feeling that God wants me to know I am not at the center of the universe. All things revolve around Him and His love and His holiness; all things are sustained by His omnipotence and His omniscience and His self-existence.

She considers the question of free will a little and makes this comment:

“When it was believed that everything was already predetermined, from the beginning to the end, free will was more of an empty phrase than a challenging possibility.”

I consider the term “challenging possibility” and remember that Jesus said, “Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.” (Matt 5:48). Maybe a wee bit more than “challenging” but Jesus didn’t say it for no reason. Then I remember that He said, “With God all things are possible” (Matt 19:26).

Speaking of challenging possibilities, the other day I discovered that I actually like my boss. It was a surprise to me. And a few days later he told me I was doing a good job! And that he and Krista will miss me when I go! And now, every once in awhile, they make comments about how maybe I should abandon ministry and stay with them.

My church has just resumed going through the book of Ephesians, picking back up in chapter 4. Three words were defined for us on Sunday.

Humility: setting aside what could be yours for the benefit of another
Gentleness: cutting someone a break, especially when they don’t deserve it
Patience: making allowances for someone else’s shortcomings

Free will.
Imagine – instead of grasping for power, authority, etc – being humble, gentle, and patient. Imagine the Body of Christ being knit together as one. Imagine my boss and me not only tolerating each other, not only getting along but sharing life, walking alongside each other, holding each other up... seeing Jesus in one another (no way!).

Sometimes (most of the time) the only reason I don't live this way is because I don't trust God; I don't fully understand that He has a plan and if I surrender to it, all things will come out right.

I look back at that day Dave was angry with me and I'm so glad for how I trusted God. It's a moment to marvel at and feel excited about and be proud of.

I have to go.

Be Still

My job at the warehouse has been very interesting. My boss is a character and the job itself has been physically difficult. When I first started this job I told myself I was going to work my butt off – and I have!! I have worked fast and hard and never once complained about anything. I’ve been so very proud of myself for my performance; except for YD, I have never before purposefully and consistently worked as hard as I can.

But I felt as if something were wrong. My boss never told me, “Good job.” He never said, “You worked really hard today, thank you.” This has been on my mind quite a bit and I finally came to the conclusion that he didn’t affirm easily and so I decided to be secure in the knowledge that I am working as hard as I can.

Meanwhile, I have stored up stories for whoever wants to hear them. I mean, the guy (my boss) is just a nut! It wasn’t long after I met him that he became firmly established in my mind as a fool. There’s just no other way to describe him. I delighted in sharing with people all the quirky and crazy things he had to say.

Like one morning as he was showing me how to put together fly reels. “I’ve been thinking about why God put you here,” he said to me.

“Oh yeah?”

“I think you’re here so I can help you heal from all the bad male relationships in your past,” he arrogantly proclaimed. Ok.

One day, just as I was leaving, we started talking about Christian books (i.e. “Confessions” by Augustine or “Mere Christianity” by C.S. Lewis). “I’m just reading the Bible right now because I feel like I have to make up for 30 years of not reading it,” he told me.

“Then you should definitely be reading the Bible.”

“First I want to know what Jesus said. Then I want to become familiar with the words of Paul. Then I want to see what the prophets had to say to people who didn’t want to follow God so I know how to curse sinners.” !!!!!!!!

Monday I was asked to put together some fly line. I had just finished the task (I thought), my cd was nearly over (less than 30 seconds), and it was just past 11:00 (break time!) so I thought, “I’ll just enjoy the end of this song and then go ask for a break.” I had just leaned back on the counter when Dave walked in. Crap! I was quick to tell him that I had just finished my task and hadn’t been leaning long but I was pretty sure he didn’t believe me. But I shrugged it off.

The next morning when I showed up the first thing Dave said was, “There’s one line sitting back there on the bench. I thought I asked you to do all of them?”

I felt myself become instantly defensive. “I thought I did do them all. I’ll go check.” I marched back there feeling self-righteous and defiant only to find that I had, indeed, forgotten one whole line. My memory of the day before, leaning on the counter, came back to me. Another thought flashed across my mind as well. I once heard Dave say about someone, “I just don’t see Jesus in his life.” I kind of get the feeling he says the same thing about me when I’m not around. I know Jesus is very much so in my life but having someone not believe that kind of bugs me (esp. a fool like him, right?). I had another realization but hold on a moment and allow me to mention something else.

My book study group is currently going through “Mere Christianity”. One of the chapters we discussed Monday evening was about pride; C.S. Lewis considers it “the great sin”. We went around and mentioned one area in which we struggle with pride. Like so many people, pride is one of my hugest problems, but I couldn’t come up with a single example at that moment. So I prayed, “Lord, show me.” The next morning I prayed the same thing again, along with, “… and humble me,” at the same time thinking, “Alright, I’m in for it now!” I mean, you don’t usually pray for humility and then later (in the humble moment) think, “Sweet, God’s answering my prayer!”

Anyway, my realization was that God was answering my prayer. I’m pretty sure the man “doesn’t see Jesus in my life”; the day before he caught me leaning up against a counter; now I was being confronted with a stupid mistake I’d made (and he really did seem unusually upset over such a small thing). God was purposefully making me look like a fool to this man whom I thought was a fool. How humiliating!

Another thing suddenly struck me. When I was job hunting it occasionally occurred to me that I had never mastered the art of submitting to my bosses. It was like God was just kind of reminding me that that was an area in which I really needed to work and I would always push the thought away, “I’m not there yet,” I would think.

My pastor’s sermon from a couple weeks ago blazed into my mind and I remember him saying that when God wants us to learn something in particular, He keeps us in that situation or ones like it so we can learn.

Had I ever “submitted” to Dave as my boss? Heck no! I’d decided early on that he was just a kook. Who submits to a kook?

Of course I was looking like a fool! I may continue to look like a fool the entire time I know him. As I wrote in my journal Tuesday afternoon, “What’s important is that I learn to submit to the man when he reprimands me and be humble about my mistakes.”

But the realizations were not done with me yet. I was reflecting on how, lately, I look at people as they speak to me and think about how much God loves them. I don’t feel that way about Dave. But during book study we discussed something C.S. Lewis said: “Do not waste your time bothering whether you ‘love’ your neighbor; act as if you did. As soon as we do this we find one of the great secrets. When you are behaving as if you loved someone, you will presently come to love him.”

It now appeared as if my mission at W.W. Grigg was to learn humility, submission, and to love the unlovable.

I felt as though I really needed to open my Bible to something about fruits of the Spirit. Just as I was about to flip it open I felt God say, “Here, let me do that.” So I let it flip open at random and read the first thing I set eyes on. Haha, get this: “I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful.” John 15:1-2. More fruitful!! Whoo-hoo!! I’m being pruned!! At this point, I couldn’t wait to be pruned.

As the day progressed, I was told I’d made quite a few more mistakes. I took it cheerfully, now that I knew what was going on. I really felt like the Spirit was urging me to tell Dave I was sorry for all the mistakes I’d been making but I never found a moment in which to do so. I determined to say it the next day.

Here’s what I wrote in my journal the next morning:

I think this is all part of being still and coming to know that You are God. There is nothing to fear in this situation; there should be no pride or arrogance; there’s no cause for a self righteous attitude. You are pruning me and helping the gifts of Your Spirit to flourish. You are teaching me to rely on You. You are teaching me to stop worrying, stressing, feeling angry, etc., and just know You’re there taking care of everything.

“[The Spirit] comes from the Father, who looked down with unspeakable good pleasure on the humiliation and obedience and self-sacrifice of Christ, as the highest proof of his surrender to him.”

“[Christ] desires to manifest his likeness in us and to give us a full share of all that is his.” (quotes from “The Prayer Life” by Andrew Murray)

The words from the first sentence seem familiar to me; I think that’s what You are working on in me. You are doing this so the second sentence can be true.

How could I not be excited about being pruned? I just read those verses again and I am so excited! Of course, it’s the actual sitting in the moment that is hard. Probably when I get to work Dave will say something that will trigger anger, frustration, something.

When I got to work, I continued to feel urged by the Spirit to apologize for all the mistakes I’d been making. I finally went into Dave’s office and did that. Phew! I got an ear full! Dave just started telling me that there were other people who wanted the job, that when he walked in and saw me leaning on the bench the other day he was done with me, that he needs people who are willing to work hard and I wasn’t doing that, He was glad I was reading the Word but when he comes in and finds that I’m doing it on his time that frustrates him, and on and on and on.

I just stood there and ate it. I ate it all. This whole time I thought I was working my butt off and have been feeling very proud of myself and I just ate it. How terribly painful!

Then the tirade morphed. He began telling me that He didn’t have time to spend with God, that he couldn’t sleep at night because he was trying to figure out the next step for his business before he went bankrupt, that he was still struggling over the fact that Krista had been pregnant but God took the baby away.

At one point he was done and I felt the Spirit urge me to offer to pray for him. So I told home I would be praying for him. That wasn’t good enough for God so He roused Dave into more talking until I finally had the courage to say, “Can I pray for you right now?” I hate praying out loud in front of people! After I prayed he told me that was the best thing to happen all day “so far”. I told him I want to work hard for him, then the conversation was over and I went back out to the warehouse.

I spent the rest of the day in silence, thinking hard and feeling like crap. I still think I’ve been working hard this whole time and God just put blinders on Dave’s eyes so all this would happen. I fully believe that it serves a purpose that is quite possibly beyond me. I will work as hard as I can but I think the biggest change will be in my attitude toward Dave and he may (or may not and there’s nothing I can do about it) see this as a change in my performance.

As I left for the day I told Dave thank you for being honest with me. He started telling me about how when he walks into the warehouse he gets a snapshot of things from the past and he’s just enabled so many people and been backed into corners and had to learn how to bite back (I think that may have been an apology). Then he said he’s told Mary earlier that never has he received an offer of prayer from someone he’d just bitten. “That was really cool,” he said.

I am learning humility, submission, and to love the unlovable. Apparently Dave needed to see Jesus and somehow, through my painful learning process, he did. I can only hope.

I am learning humility, submission, and to love the unlovable, and all of this is teaching me to be still and know that He is God.

And I have so, so far to go. But what an amazing journey!