Be Still

My job at the warehouse has been very interesting. My boss is a character and the job itself has been physically difficult. When I first started this job I told myself I was going to work my butt off – and I have!! I have worked fast and hard and never once complained about anything. I’ve been so very proud of myself for my performance; except for YD, I have never before purposefully and consistently worked as hard as I can.

But I felt as if something were wrong. My boss never told me, “Good job.” He never said, “You worked really hard today, thank you.” This has been on my mind quite a bit and I finally came to the conclusion that he didn’t affirm easily and so I decided to be secure in the knowledge that I am working as hard as I can.

Meanwhile, I have stored up stories for whoever wants to hear them. I mean, the guy (my boss) is just a nut! It wasn’t long after I met him that he became firmly established in my mind as a fool. There’s just no other way to describe him. I delighted in sharing with people all the quirky and crazy things he had to say.

Like one morning as he was showing me how to put together fly reels. “I’ve been thinking about why God put you here,” he said to me.

“Oh yeah?”

“I think you’re here so I can help you heal from all the bad male relationships in your past,” he arrogantly proclaimed. Ok.

One day, just as I was leaving, we started talking about Christian books (i.e. “Confessions” by Augustine or “Mere Christianity” by C.S. Lewis). “I’m just reading the Bible right now because I feel like I have to make up for 30 years of not reading it,” he told me.

“Then you should definitely be reading the Bible.”

“First I want to know what Jesus said. Then I want to become familiar with the words of Paul. Then I want to see what the prophets had to say to people who didn’t want to follow God so I know how to curse sinners.” !!!!!!!!

Monday I was asked to put together some fly line. I had just finished the task (I thought), my cd was nearly over (less than 30 seconds), and it was just past 11:00 (break time!) so I thought, “I’ll just enjoy the end of this song and then go ask for a break.” I had just leaned back on the counter when Dave walked in. Crap! I was quick to tell him that I had just finished my task and hadn’t been leaning long but I was pretty sure he didn’t believe me. But I shrugged it off.

The next morning when I showed up the first thing Dave said was, “There’s one line sitting back there on the bench. I thought I asked you to do all of them?”

I felt myself become instantly defensive. “I thought I did do them all. I’ll go check.” I marched back there feeling self-righteous and defiant only to find that I had, indeed, forgotten one whole line. My memory of the day before, leaning on the counter, came back to me. Another thought flashed across my mind as well. I once heard Dave say about someone, “I just don’t see Jesus in his life.” I kind of get the feeling he says the same thing about me when I’m not around. I know Jesus is very much so in my life but having someone not believe that kind of bugs me (esp. a fool like him, right?). I had another realization but hold on a moment and allow me to mention something else.

My book study group is currently going through “Mere Christianity”. One of the chapters we discussed Monday evening was about pride; C.S. Lewis considers it “the great sin”. We went around and mentioned one area in which we struggle with pride. Like so many people, pride is one of my hugest problems, but I couldn’t come up with a single example at that moment. So I prayed, “Lord, show me.” The next morning I prayed the same thing again, along with, “… and humble me,” at the same time thinking, “Alright, I’m in for it now!” I mean, you don’t usually pray for humility and then later (in the humble moment) think, “Sweet, God’s answering my prayer!”

Anyway, my realization was that God was answering my prayer. I’m pretty sure the man “doesn’t see Jesus in my life”; the day before he caught me leaning up against a counter; now I was being confronted with a stupid mistake I’d made (and he really did seem unusually upset over such a small thing). God was purposefully making me look like a fool to this man whom I thought was a fool. How humiliating!

Another thing suddenly struck me. When I was job hunting it occasionally occurred to me that I had never mastered the art of submitting to my bosses. It was like God was just kind of reminding me that that was an area in which I really needed to work and I would always push the thought away, “I’m not there yet,” I would think.

My pastor’s sermon from a couple weeks ago blazed into my mind and I remember him saying that when God wants us to learn something in particular, He keeps us in that situation or ones like it so we can learn.

Had I ever “submitted” to Dave as my boss? Heck no! I’d decided early on that he was just a kook. Who submits to a kook?

Of course I was looking like a fool! I may continue to look like a fool the entire time I know him. As I wrote in my journal Tuesday afternoon, “What’s important is that I learn to submit to the man when he reprimands me and be humble about my mistakes.”

But the realizations were not done with me yet. I was reflecting on how, lately, I look at people as they speak to me and think about how much God loves them. I don’t feel that way about Dave. But during book study we discussed something C.S. Lewis said: “Do not waste your time bothering whether you ‘love’ your neighbor; act as if you did. As soon as we do this we find one of the great secrets. When you are behaving as if you loved someone, you will presently come to love him.”

It now appeared as if my mission at W.W. Grigg was to learn humility, submission, and to love the unlovable.

I felt as though I really needed to open my Bible to something about fruits of the Spirit. Just as I was about to flip it open I felt God say, “Here, let me do that.” So I let it flip open at random and read the first thing I set eyes on. Haha, get this: “I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful.” John 15:1-2. More fruitful!! Whoo-hoo!! I’m being pruned!! At this point, I couldn’t wait to be pruned.

As the day progressed, I was told I’d made quite a few more mistakes. I took it cheerfully, now that I knew what was going on. I really felt like the Spirit was urging me to tell Dave I was sorry for all the mistakes I’d been making but I never found a moment in which to do so. I determined to say it the next day.

Here’s what I wrote in my journal the next morning:

I think this is all part of being still and coming to know that You are God. There is nothing to fear in this situation; there should be no pride or arrogance; there’s no cause for a self righteous attitude. You are pruning me and helping the gifts of Your Spirit to flourish. You are teaching me to rely on You. You are teaching me to stop worrying, stressing, feeling angry, etc., and just know You’re there taking care of everything.

“[The Spirit] comes from the Father, who looked down with unspeakable good pleasure on the humiliation and obedience and self-sacrifice of Christ, as the highest proof of his surrender to him.”

“[Christ] desires to manifest his likeness in us and to give us a full share of all that is his.” (quotes from “The Prayer Life” by Andrew Murray)

The words from the first sentence seem familiar to me; I think that’s what You are working on in me. You are doing this so the second sentence can be true.

How could I not be excited about being pruned? I just read those verses again and I am so excited! Of course, it’s the actual sitting in the moment that is hard. Probably when I get to work Dave will say something that will trigger anger, frustration, something.

When I got to work, I continued to feel urged by the Spirit to apologize for all the mistakes I’d been making. I finally went into Dave’s office and did that. Phew! I got an ear full! Dave just started telling me that there were other people who wanted the job, that when he walked in and saw me leaning on the bench the other day he was done with me, that he needs people who are willing to work hard and I wasn’t doing that, He was glad I was reading the Word but when he comes in and finds that I’m doing it on his time that frustrates him, and on and on and on.

I just stood there and ate it. I ate it all. This whole time I thought I was working my butt off and have been feeling very proud of myself and I just ate it. How terribly painful!

Then the tirade morphed. He began telling me that He didn’t have time to spend with God, that he couldn’t sleep at night because he was trying to figure out the next step for his business before he went bankrupt, that he was still struggling over the fact that Krista had been pregnant but God took the baby away.

At one point he was done and I felt the Spirit urge me to offer to pray for him. So I told home I would be praying for him. That wasn’t good enough for God so He roused Dave into more talking until I finally had the courage to say, “Can I pray for you right now?” I hate praying out loud in front of people! After I prayed he told me that was the best thing to happen all day “so far”. I told him I want to work hard for him, then the conversation was over and I went back out to the warehouse.

I spent the rest of the day in silence, thinking hard and feeling like crap. I still think I’ve been working hard this whole time and God just put blinders on Dave’s eyes so all this would happen. I fully believe that it serves a purpose that is quite possibly beyond me. I will work as hard as I can but I think the biggest change will be in my attitude toward Dave and he may (or may not and there’s nothing I can do about it) see this as a change in my performance.

As I left for the day I told Dave thank you for being honest with me. He started telling me about how when he walks into the warehouse he gets a snapshot of things from the past and he’s just enabled so many people and been backed into corners and had to learn how to bite back (I think that may have been an apology). Then he said he’s told Mary earlier that never has he received an offer of prayer from someone he’d just bitten. “That was really cool,” he said.

I am learning humility, submission, and to love the unlovable. Apparently Dave needed to see Jesus and somehow, through my painful learning process, he did. I can only hope.

I am learning humility, submission, and to love the unlovable, and all of this is teaching me to be still and know that He is God.

And I have so, so far to go. But what an amazing journey!