I woke up this morning and realized that I am really lonely. It is at times like this that my singleness seems to become a suffocating burden. I laid in bed and talked to God, telling Him that I am just too lonely. I told Him that I feel as though He will withhold marriage until I have mastered this overbearing feeling of loneliness. He knows, however, that I cannot master this. What is the point of being so lonely?
“Why are you in despair, O my soul? And why have you become disturbed within me?” Psalm 42:5a
I’m around people all the time. Really I’m quite social but superficial society is not something that appeases my loneliness. If someone asks how I am I’m quite willing to be vulnerable but it’s usually at that moment that someone else walks in and the conversation is side-tracked. There’s no opportunity for depth in these situations.
The people I spend time with expect vulnerability from me but I can’t just sit down and pour my heart out just like that. I need a chance to warm up. I need some encouragement. I don’t actually think my struggles are important to other people so I have to get used to the thought that they actually do care before I can open up.
The part that baffles me the most is that, when I finally realize that I need company, everyone disappears. This never fails to happen. Friends will always tell you, “I’ll be there whenever you need me,” but it’s never really true; I can’t actually expect anyone to be there for me. I try calling and emailing but everyone’s busy.
Really I’m too picky. There are few people I’m willing to take this loneliness to. With most people I fear being a burden. With others I’m afraid of being misunderstood.
God, I’m lonely. For someone who seeks solitude, this is really confusing. How do I get out?
“Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him for the help of His presence.” Psalm 42:5b
I reach out to God but He’s not a magician who just fixes my problems. I reach out to Him and still I feel lonely. Then I feel like I must be doing something wrong. This is challenging to my faith. Where is God?
“I will say to God my rock, ‘Why have You forgotten me? Why do I go mourning because of the oppression of the enemy?’ ” Psalm 42:9
What struggle is this? Is it Satan whispering “lonely” into my ear, trying to make me believe I am alone? Is it Satan who is trying to keep me in the dark? Trying to keep alone so I cannot be supported by the body of Christ? I can hide in this darkness and continue in despair and be led toward sin or I can seek the light and see God be glorified (John 3:19-21).
“O send out Your light and Your truth, let them lead me; let them bring me to Your holy hill, and to Your dwelling places. Then I will go to the alter of God, to my exceeding joy; and upon the lyre I will praise You, O God, my God.” Psalm 42:3-4
Showing posts with label Psalms. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Psalms. Show all posts
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Today
"Oh Lord, You have searched me and known me." Psalm 139:1
Today I invited God to see the rotten core inside me...
...and He told me He loves me.
Today I invited God to see the rotten core inside me...
...and He told me He loves me.
Friday, February 27, 2009
From My Journal
“Oh Lord, You have searched me and known.” Psalm 139:1
During yesterday’s lectio divina I heard God speak through this verse about the intimacy He and I have with one another. Through this verse today He spoke to me of the Holy Spirit; I was reaching inside myself to hear Him and I thought, “Why would I do that? Where is God?” I remembered the Holy Spirit and then Romans 8:26-27 came to mind.
Lord, I am kneeling here wondering how I could give You my life then snatch it back; how could I give You my life then build walls so You can’t have it? When I try to do this lectio, when I try to be quiet before You, I sense those walls. And even though I built them, I am powerless to knock them down. I can do nothing; You must do it.
So I give You my walls.
During yesterday’s lectio divina I heard God speak through this verse about the intimacy He and I have with one another. Through this verse today He spoke to me of the Holy Spirit; I was reaching inside myself to hear Him and I thought, “Why would I do that? Where is God?” I remembered the Holy Spirit and then Romans 8:26-27 came to mind.
Lord, I am kneeling here wondering how I could give You my life then snatch it back; how could I give You my life then build walls so You can’t have it? When I try to do this lectio, when I try to be quiet before You, I sense those walls. And even though I built them, I am powerless to knock them down. I can do nothing; You must do it.
So I give You my walls.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Psalm 33: Hope in the Lord
I don't know why I am driven to share these things but, here it is, today's “devotional”. I read Psalm 33 this morning and the thoughts wouldn't stop. I'm hoping these thoughts were words of God, whispered into my mind through scripture, not just me on a high horse.
“Behold, the eye of the Lord is on those who fear Him, on those who hope for His lovingkindness, to deliver their soul from death, and to keep them alive in famine.” Psalm 33:18-19
The word “famine” brought to mind the current economy. Our country is going through a hard time: the unemployment rate is climbing, the sense of fear and despair is growing, probably thoughts of suicide are intensifying. So many people's hope has been in this “leading nation”, their investments, other gods. Those hopes are proving to be futile vanity.
Do we fear God or do we fear the loss of material wealth?
“Our soul waits for the Lord; He is our help and our shield. For our heart rejoices in Him, because we trust in His holy name.” vs 20-21
It struck me that David wrote “our soul” as though his soul was shared with others, “our heart” as though sharing the same heart. It's as if the hope they shared unified them, brought them together as one unit.
Like the Body of Christ.
And that is the way the Body of Christ is supposed to function (Romans 12:3-5, 1 Cor 12:12-13); we have one purpose, one goal. We share that purpose and it binds us together. Or should.
“Let Thy lovingkindness, O Lord, be upon us, according as we have hoped in Thee.” vs 22
I better hope big, then. I better put all my hope in the Lord.
“Behold, the eye of the Lord is on those who fear Him, on those who hope for His lovingkindness, to deliver their soul from death, and to keep them alive in famine.” Psalm 33:18-19
The word “famine” brought to mind the current economy. Our country is going through a hard time: the unemployment rate is climbing, the sense of fear and despair is growing, probably thoughts of suicide are intensifying. So many people's hope has been in this “leading nation”, their investments, other gods. Those hopes are proving to be futile vanity.
Do we fear God or do we fear the loss of material wealth?
“Our soul waits for the Lord; He is our help and our shield. For our heart rejoices in Him, because we trust in His holy name.” vs 20-21
It struck me that David wrote “our soul” as though his soul was shared with others, “our heart” as though sharing the same heart. It's as if the hope they shared unified them, brought them together as one unit.
Like the Body of Christ.
And that is the way the Body of Christ is supposed to function (Romans 12:3-5, 1 Cor 12:12-13); we have one purpose, one goal. We share that purpose and it binds us together. Or should.
“Let Thy lovingkindness, O Lord, be upon us, according as we have hoped in Thee.” vs 22
I better hope big, then. I better put all my hope in the Lord.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Deep Calls to Deep
I think I am very blessed because occasionally, as I stumble down the road of life, I remember to follow my heart. It’s becoming more frequent but for now I can only be glad for the rare times that it happens.
This summer I decided to begin reading through Proverbs, one chapter every day, each chapter corresponding to the day of the month. I wasn’t sure what to expect but I thought I’d try, at least. I have found this book to be a pleasure to read. It’s delightful to read something out of Proverbs and be reminded of something Jesus said; it’s exciting to find that I am that familiar with the Bible.
On Sunday I read:
“The purposes of a man’s heart are deep waters, but a man of understanding draws them out.” Proverbs 20:5
First I was reminded of Psalm 42:7;
“Deep calls to deep in the sound of Your waterfalls; all Your waves and breakers have swept over me.”
Then I thought, is this man of understanding supposed to be Jesus?
So I checked to see if that verse referenced any other verses and found that it did:
“He reached down from on high and took hold of me; He drew me out of deep waters.” Psalm 18:16
I suddenly felt the desire to be alone with these verses somewhere where I could hear the crash of water, the roar of the deep. The desire was nearly overwhelming and I knew I would have to find the chance to escape as soon as possible. I called Cora Monday afternoon to get a few ideas and Tuesday I embarked on a mini adventure at Silver Falls State Park.
I left the Emersons’ just past 7:00, just as the sun lifted her warm, brazen face over the mountains and began to fight off the cold and the clouds. It was a beautiful morning but too early to know who the victor would be, sun or clouds, and I found myself wondering whether I’d brought enough clothes. The drive took longer than I expected but I love the country so I leaned into the curves of the road with zeal and wound my way to the park.
I reached the trail head and gazed along the path. I’d been to Silver Falls State Park only once, about three years ago, so today I would be exploring. I spent some time feeling indecisive; where should I start? Where should I go? I first tried Upper North Falls but, once I got there, decided that was not where I was meant to be. I finally decided on North Falls and took off along the Canyon Trail.
It was short but sweet. The path followed alongside the creek. I walked along, staring at the forest, until I came upon a set of stairs. I walked down the stairs, wondering when I would cross the creek and how close the waterfall was, then realized that the creek was plunging downward right beside me. The stairs ended and the path curved abruptly back on itself. The trail seemed to be carved out of rock that jutted out over the path. If I was taller, I would have to stoop. The trees blocking my view of the waterfall thinned and I saw that all the water shot out of a small fissure of rock and tumbled 136 feet to a dark pool below. Looking up, it seemed as if the forest ended abruptly. How can the forest sit on that slab of rock? I wondered, for just below the forest a rock cliff protruded, like a child’s pouty lower lip, and rolled back in to create a cavern-like indentation. The path was etched through the back of the cavern, behind the waterfall.
I was delighted. Ideally, I had wanted to sit behind a waterfall, but short of a 5 mile hike along Eagle Creek in the Gorge, I had no idea where to find a waterfall I could sit behind. God had provided. There were even little benches set up inside the cavern.
I “set up camp” on one bench, pulling out my journal, Bible, and pens. I opened my journal and wrote:
“Deep calls to deep in the sound of Thy waterfalls; all Thy breakers and Thy waves have rolled over me.”
Pushing me down, pushing, pushing, encouraging me toward the depths of my own heart.
Who are you? What are you doing here?
Pushing. Deeper.
I must search the deep.
I thought of the time I got stuck in a riptide at Rockaway Beach. The surf had pounded against me, pushing me down. But I had a pfd on and I could only go down so far before I popped back up.
Then I thought of the time I listened to a speaker from Imago Dei tell of an experience he had while surfing. A wave had crashed over him and pulled him down, down, down. Somewhere down there, under the ocean, time stopped for the intrepid surfer and he experienced God; the deep pounded around him like a heartbeat of enormous proportions. He did not fear; God is love.
All Thy breakers and Thy waves have rolled over me, pushing me down.
I don’t want a life jacket for this; I don’t want to hover at the surface.
My voice sounded small next to the roar of the waterfall. I was attempting lectio divina, “sacred reading”. It was sacred; God was there. I invited Him to be a part of what I was doing and then I corrected myself:
No, I’m asking that I can share this with You; that You’ll let me be a part of what You’re doing.
Deep calls to deep… it’s the searching of the Holy Spirit within my own soul. “Do you trust Me?” He asks. Mostly I do, Lord. In my mind, certainly. In my heart? Mostly.
“He reached down and took hold of me; He drew me out of deep waters.” Psalm 18:16
I was here reminded of the lyrics of my current theme song:
Whatever You’re doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there’s peace
And though it’s hard to surrender
To what I can’t see
I’m giving in to something heavenly
Except I’m lacking the peace part I wrote.
I began to think of how, in training, we learned that if ever we got stuck swimming in a low head dam, we would need to allow the current to sweep us to the bottom of the river, then crawl along the bottom until we were free of the swirling current. That is the only way out. Horror story! I think it would be natural for any human (who wasn’t in counter panic) to try and fight their way out. I would probably swim my hardest to try and get out - and get wrapped up in all the debris also stuck in the churning waters.
I am stuck in chaotic, churning waters. I’m struggling, constantly struggling, trying to find the surface. In my attempts I am merely entangling myself worse than before, creating more sin and attempting to avoid facing the consequences thereof.
This song by Sanctus Real uses the word “surrender”. Have I done that? I’m experiencing the chaos but not so much the peace. If I surrender, I am assured that He will reach down from on high and take hold of me and draw me out of deep waters. Why? Because He delights in me (Psalm 18:19b). So simple.
Deep calls to deep. The Holy Spirit is present. Surrender to Jesus, to God, and let Him draw me out. Me! The King of heaven and earth asks me to surrender so He can draw the Raychel He created out of deep waters and allow her to stand, free of sin, and live a life worthy of the calling of Jesus.
“I love You, oh Lord, my strength.
The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge.
He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.
I call to the Lord, who is worthy of praise, and I am saved from my enemies…
“He reached down from on high and took hold of me; he drew me out of deep waters.
He rescued me from my powerful enemy, from my foes, who were too strong for me.
They confronted me in the day of my disaster, but the Lord was my support.
He brought me out into a spacious place; He rescued me because He delighted in me.”
Psalm 18:1-3, 16-19
This summer I decided to begin reading through Proverbs, one chapter every day, each chapter corresponding to the day of the month. I wasn’t sure what to expect but I thought I’d try, at least. I have found this book to be a pleasure to read. It’s delightful to read something out of Proverbs and be reminded of something Jesus said; it’s exciting to find that I am that familiar with the Bible.
On Sunday I read:
“The purposes of a man’s heart are deep waters, but a man of understanding draws them out.” Proverbs 20:5
First I was reminded of Psalm 42:7;
“Deep calls to deep in the sound of Your waterfalls; all Your waves and breakers have swept over me.”
Then I thought, is this man of understanding supposed to be Jesus?
So I checked to see if that verse referenced any other verses and found that it did:
“He reached down from on high and took hold of me; He drew me out of deep waters.” Psalm 18:16
I suddenly felt the desire to be alone with these verses somewhere where I could hear the crash of water, the roar of the deep. The desire was nearly overwhelming and I knew I would have to find the chance to escape as soon as possible. I called Cora Monday afternoon to get a few ideas and Tuesday I embarked on a mini adventure at Silver Falls State Park.
I left the Emersons’ just past 7:00, just as the sun lifted her warm, brazen face over the mountains and began to fight off the cold and the clouds. It was a beautiful morning but too early to know who the victor would be, sun or clouds, and I found myself wondering whether I’d brought enough clothes. The drive took longer than I expected but I love the country so I leaned into the curves of the road with zeal and wound my way to the park.
I reached the trail head and gazed along the path. I’d been to Silver Falls State Park only once, about three years ago, so today I would be exploring. I spent some time feeling indecisive; where should I start? Where should I go? I first tried Upper North Falls but, once I got there, decided that was not where I was meant to be. I finally decided on North Falls and took off along the Canyon Trail.
It was short but sweet. The path followed alongside the creek. I walked along, staring at the forest, until I came upon a set of stairs. I walked down the stairs, wondering when I would cross the creek and how close the waterfall was, then realized that the creek was plunging downward right beside me. The stairs ended and the path curved abruptly back on itself. The trail seemed to be carved out of rock that jutted out over the path. If I was taller, I would have to stoop. The trees blocking my view of the waterfall thinned and I saw that all the water shot out of a small fissure of rock and tumbled 136 feet to a dark pool below. Looking up, it seemed as if the forest ended abruptly. How can the forest sit on that slab of rock? I wondered, for just below the forest a rock cliff protruded, like a child’s pouty lower lip, and rolled back in to create a cavern-like indentation. The path was etched through the back of the cavern, behind the waterfall.
I was delighted. Ideally, I had wanted to sit behind a waterfall, but short of a 5 mile hike along Eagle Creek in the Gorge, I had no idea where to find a waterfall I could sit behind. God had provided. There were even little benches set up inside the cavern.
I “set up camp” on one bench, pulling out my journal, Bible, and pens. I opened my journal and wrote:
“Deep calls to deep in the sound of Thy waterfalls; all Thy breakers and Thy waves have rolled over me.”
Pushing me down, pushing, pushing, encouraging me toward the depths of my own heart.
Who are you? What are you doing here?
Pushing. Deeper.
I must search the deep.
I thought of the time I got stuck in a riptide at Rockaway Beach. The surf had pounded against me, pushing me down. But I had a pfd on and I could only go down so far before I popped back up.
Then I thought of the time I listened to a speaker from Imago Dei tell of an experience he had while surfing. A wave had crashed over him and pulled him down, down, down. Somewhere down there, under the ocean, time stopped for the intrepid surfer and he experienced God; the deep pounded around him like a heartbeat of enormous proportions. He did not fear; God is love.
All Thy breakers and Thy waves have rolled over me, pushing me down.
I don’t want a life jacket for this; I don’t want to hover at the surface.
My voice sounded small next to the roar of the waterfall. I was attempting lectio divina, “sacred reading”. It was sacred; God was there. I invited Him to be a part of what I was doing and then I corrected myself:
No, I’m asking that I can share this with You; that You’ll let me be a part of what You’re doing.
Deep calls to deep… it’s the searching of the Holy Spirit within my own soul. “Do you trust Me?” He asks. Mostly I do, Lord. In my mind, certainly. In my heart? Mostly.
“He reached down and took hold of me; He drew me out of deep waters.” Psalm 18:16
I was here reminded of the lyrics of my current theme song:
Whatever You’re doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there’s peace
And though it’s hard to surrender
To what I can’t see
I’m giving in to something heavenly
Except I’m lacking the peace part I wrote.
I began to think of how, in training, we learned that if ever we got stuck swimming in a low head dam, we would need to allow the current to sweep us to the bottom of the river, then crawl along the bottom until we were free of the swirling current. That is the only way out. Horror story! I think it would be natural for any human (who wasn’t in counter panic) to try and fight their way out. I would probably swim my hardest to try and get out - and get wrapped up in all the debris also stuck in the churning waters.
I am stuck in chaotic, churning waters. I’m struggling, constantly struggling, trying to find the surface. In my attempts I am merely entangling myself worse than before, creating more sin and attempting to avoid facing the consequences thereof.
This song by Sanctus Real uses the word “surrender”. Have I done that? I’m experiencing the chaos but not so much the peace. If I surrender, I am assured that He will reach down from on high and take hold of me and draw me out of deep waters. Why? Because He delights in me (Psalm 18:19b). So simple.
Deep calls to deep. The Holy Spirit is present. Surrender to Jesus, to God, and let Him draw me out. Me! The King of heaven and earth asks me to surrender so He can draw the Raychel He created out of deep waters and allow her to stand, free of sin, and live a life worthy of the calling of Jesus.
“I love You, oh Lord, my strength.
The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge.
He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.
I call to the Lord, who is worthy of praise, and I am saved from my enemies…
“He reached down from on high and took hold of me; he drew me out of deep waters.
He rescued me from my powerful enemy, from my foes, who were too strong for me.
They confronted me in the day of my disaster, but the Lord was my support.
He brought me out into a spacious place; He rescued me because He delighted in me.”
Psalm 18:1-3, 16-19
Friday, February 29, 2008
Be Still
My job at the warehouse has been very interesting. My boss is a character and the job itself has been physically difficult. When I first started this job I told myself I was going to work my butt off – and I have!! I have worked fast and hard and never once complained about anything. I’ve been so very proud of myself for my performance; except for YD, I have never before purposefully and consistently worked as hard as I can.
But I felt as if something were wrong. My boss never told me, “Good job.” He never said, “You worked really hard today, thank you.” This has been on my mind quite a bit and I finally came to the conclusion that he didn’t affirm easily and so I decided to be secure in the knowledge that I am working as hard as I can.
Meanwhile, I have stored up stories for whoever wants to hear them. I mean, the guy (my boss) is just a nut! It wasn’t long after I met him that he became firmly established in my mind as a fool. There’s just no other way to describe him. I delighted in sharing with people all the quirky and crazy things he had to say.
Like one morning as he was showing me how to put together fly reels. “I’ve been thinking about why God put you here,” he said to me.
“Oh yeah?”
“I think you’re here so I can help you heal from all the bad male relationships in your past,” he arrogantly proclaimed. Ok.
One day, just as I was leaving, we started talking about Christian books (i.e. “Confessions” by Augustine or “Mere Christianity” by C.S. Lewis). “I’m just reading the Bible right now because I feel like I have to make up for 30 years of not reading it,” he told me.
“Then you should definitely be reading the Bible.”
“First I want to know what Jesus said. Then I want to become familiar with the words of Paul. Then I want to see what the prophets had to say to people who didn’t want to follow God so I know how to curse sinners.” !!!!!!!!
Monday I was asked to put together some fly line. I had just finished the task (I thought), my cd was nearly over (less than 30 seconds), and it was just past 11:00 (break time!) so I thought, “I’ll just enjoy the end of this song and then go ask for a break.” I had just leaned back on the counter when Dave walked in. Crap! I was quick to tell him that I had just finished my task and hadn’t been leaning long but I was pretty sure he didn’t believe me. But I shrugged it off.
The next morning when I showed up the first thing Dave said was, “There’s one line sitting back there on the bench. I thought I asked you to do all of them?”
I felt myself become instantly defensive. “I thought I did do them all. I’ll go check.” I marched back there feeling self-righteous and defiant only to find that I had, indeed, forgotten one whole line. My memory of the day before, leaning on the counter, came back to me. Another thought flashed across my mind as well. I once heard Dave say about someone, “I just don’t see Jesus in his life.” I kind of get the feeling he says the same thing about me when I’m not around. I know Jesus is very much so in my life but having someone not believe that kind of bugs me (esp. a fool like him, right?). I had another realization but hold on a moment and allow me to mention something else.
My book study group is currently going through “Mere Christianity”. One of the chapters we discussed Monday evening was about pride; C.S. Lewis considers it “the great sin”. We went around and mentioned one area in which we struggle with pride. Like so many people, pride is one of my hugest problems, but I couldn’t come up with a single example at that moment. So I prayed, “Lord, show me.” The next morning I prayed the same thing again, along with, “… and humble me,” at the same time thinking, “Alright, I’m in for it now!” I mean, you don’t usually pray for humility and then later (in the humble moment) think, “Sweet, God’s answering my prayer!”
Anyway, my realization was that God was answering my prayer. I’m pretty sure the man “doesn’t see Jesus in my life”; the day before he caught me leaning up against a counter; now I was being confronted with a stupid mistake I’d made (and he really did seem unusually upset over such a small thing). God was purposefully making me look like a fool to this man whom I thought was a fool. How humiliating!
Another thing suddenly struck me. When I was job hunting it occasionally occurred to me that I had never mastered the art of submitting to my bosses. It was like God was just kind of reminding me that that was an area in which I really needed to work and I would always push the thought away, “I’m not there yet,” I would think.
My pastor’s sermon from a couple weeks ago blazed into my mind and I remember him saying that when God wants us to learn something in particular, He keeps us in that situation or ones like it so we can learn.
Had I ever “submitted” to Dave as my boss? Heck no! I’d decided early on that he was just a kook. Who submits to a kook?
Of course I was looking like a fool! I may continue to look like a fool the entire time I know him. As I wrote in my journal Tuesday afternoon, “What’s important is that I learn to submit to the man when he reprimands me and be humble about my mistakes.”
But the realizations were not done with me yet. I was reflecting on how, lately, I look at people as they speak to me and think about how much God loves them. I don’t feel that way about Dave. But during book study we discussed something C.S. Lewis said: “Do not waste your time bothering whether you ‘love’ your neighbor; act as if you did. As soon as we do this we find one of the great secrets. When you are behaving as if you loved someone, you will presently come to love him.”
It now appeared as if my mission at W.W. Grigg was to learn humility, submission, and to love the unlovable.
I felt as though I really needed to open my Bible to something about fruits of the Spirit. Just as I was about to flip it open I felt God say, “Here, let me do that.” So I let it flip open at random and read the first thing I set eyes on. Haha, get this: “I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful.” John 15:1-2. More fruitful!! Whoo-hoo!! I’m being pruned!! At this point, I couldn’t wait to be pruned.
As the day progressed, I was told I’d made quite a few more mistakes. I took it cheerfully, now that I knew what was going on. I really felt like the Spirit was urging me to tell Dave I was sorry for all the mistakes I’d been making but I never found a moment in which to do so. I determined to say it the next day.
Here’s what I wrote in my journal the next morning:
I think this is all part of being still and coming to know that You are God. There is nothing to fear in this situation; there should be no pride or arrogance; there’s no cause for a self righteous attitude. You are pruning me and helping the gifts of Your Spirit to flourish. You are teaching me to rely on You. You are teaching me to stop worrying, stressing, feeling angry, etc., and just know You’re there taking care of everything.
“[The Spirit] comes from the Father, who looked down with unspeakable good pleasure on the humiliation and obedience and self-sacrifice of Christ, as the highest proof of his surrender to him.”
“[Christ] desires to manifest his likeness in us and to give us a full share of all that is his.” (quotes from “The Prayer Life” by Andrew Murray)
The words from the first sentence seem familiar to me; I think that’s what You are working on in me. You are doing this so the second sentence can be true.
How could I not be excited about being pruned? I just read those verses again and I am so excited! Of course, it’s the actual sitting in the moment that is hard. Probably when I get to work Dave will say something that will trigger anger, frustration, something.
When I got to work, I continued to feel urged by the Spirit to apologize for all the mistakes I’d been making. I finally went into Dave’s office and did that. Phew! I got an ear full! Dave just started telling me that there were other people who wanted the job, that when he walked in and saw me leaning on the bench the other day he was done with me, that he needs people who are willing to work hard and I wasn’t doing that, He was glad I was reading the Word but when he comes in and finds that I’m doing it on his time that frustrates him, and on and on and on.
I just stood there and ate it. I ate it all. This whole time I thought I was working my butt off and have been feeling very proud of myself and I just ate it. How terribly painful!
Then the tirade morphed. He began telling me that He didn’t have time to spend with God, that he couldn’t sleep at night because he was trying to figure out the next step for his business before he went bankrupt, that he was still struggling over the fact that Krista had been pregnant but God took the baby away.
At one point he was done and I felt the Spirit urge me to offer to pray for him. So I told home I would be praying for him. That wasn’t good enough for God so He roused Dave into more talking until I finally had the courage to say, “Can I pray for you right now?” I hate praying out loud in front of people! After I prayed he told me that was the best thing to happen all day “so far”. I told him I want to work hard for him, then the conversation was over and I went back out to the warehouse.
I spent the rest of the day in silence, thinking hard and feeling like crap. I still think I’ve been working hard this whole time and God just put blinders on Dave’s eyes so all this would happen. I fully believe that it serves a purpose that is quite possibly beyond me. I will work as hard as I can but I think the biggest change will be in my attitude toward Dave and he may (or may not and there’s nothing I can do about it) see this as a change in my performance.
As I left for the day I told Dave thank you for being honest with me. He started telling me about how when he walks into the warehouse he gets a snapshot of things from the past and he’s just enabled so many people and been backed into corners and had to learn how to bite back (I think that may have been an apology). Then he said he’s told Mary earlier that never has he received an offer of prayer from someone he’d just bitten. “That was really cool,” he said.
I am learning humility, submission, and to love the unlovable. Apparently Dave needed to see Jesus and somehow, through my painful learning process, he did. I can only hope.
I am learning humility, submission, and to love the unlovable, and all of this is teaching me to be still and know that He is God.
And I have so, so far to go. But what an amazing journey!
But I felt as if something were wrong. My boss never told me, “Good job.” He never said, “You worked really hard today, thank you.” This has been on my mind quite a bit and I finally came to the conclusion that he didn’t affirm easily and so I decided to be secure in the knowledge that I am working as hard as I can.
Meanwhile, I have stored up stories for whoever wants to hear them. I mean, the guy (my boss) is just a nut! It wasn’t long after I met him that he became firmly established in my mind as a fool. There’s just no other way to describe him. I delighted in sharing with people all the quirky and crazy things he had to say.
Like one morning as he was showing me how to put together fly reels. “I’ve been thinking about why God put you here,” he said to me.
“Oh yeah?”
“I think you’re here so I can help you heal from all the bad male relationships in your past,” he arrogantly proclaimed. Ok.
One day, just as I was leaving, we started talking about Christian books (i.e. “Confessions” by Augustine or “Mere Christianity” by C.S. Lewis). “I’m just reading the Bible right now because I feel like I have to make up for 30 years of not reading it,” he told me.
“Then you should definitely be reading the Bible.”
“First I want to know what Jesus said. Then I want to become familiar with the words of Paul. Then I want to see what the prophets had to say to people who didn’t want to follow God so I know how to curse sinners.” !!!!!!!!
Monday I was asked to put together some fly line. I had just finished the task (I thought), my cd was nearly over (less than 30 seconds), and it was just past 11:00 (break time!) so I thought, “I’ll just enjoy the end of this song and then go ask for a break.” I had just leaned back on the counter when Dave walked in. Crap! I was quick to tell him that I had just finished my task and hadn’t been leaning long but I was pretty sure he didn’t believe me. But I shrugged it off.
The next morning when I showed up the first thing Dave said was, “There’s one line sitting back there on the bench. I thought I asked you to do all of them?”
I felt myself become instantly defensive. “I thought I did do them all. I’ll go check.” I marched back there feeling self-righteous and defiant only to find that I had, indeed, forgotten one whole line. My memory of the day before, leaning on the counter, came back to me. Another thought flashed across my mind as well. I once heard Dave say about someone, “I just don’t see Jesus in his life.” I kind of get the feeling he says the same thing about me when I’m not around. I know Jesus is very much so in my life but having someone not believe that kind of bugs me (esp. a fool like him, right?). I had another realization but hold on a moment and allow me to mention something else.
My book study group is currently going through “Mere Christianity”. One of the chapters we discussed Monday evening was about pride; C.S. Lewis considers it “the great sin”. We went around and mentioned one area in which we struggle with pride. Like so many people, pride is one of my hugest problems, but I couldn’t come up with a single example at that moment. So I prayed, “Lord, show me.” The next morning I prayed the same thing again, along with, “… and humble me,” at the same time thinking, “Alright, I’m in for it now!” I mean, you don’t usually pray for humility and then later (in the humble moment) think, “Sweet, God’s answering my prayer!”
Anyway, my realization was that God was answering my prayer. I’m pretty sure the man “doesn’t see Jesus in my life”; the day before he caught me leaning up against a counter; now I was being confronted with a stupid mistake I’d made (and he really did seem unusually upset over such a small thing). God was purposefully making me look like a fool to this man whom I thought was a fool. How humiliating!
Another thing suddenly struck me. When I was job hunting it occasionally occurred to me that I had never mastered the art of submitting to my bosses. It was like God was just kind of reminding me that that was an area in which I really needed to work and I would always push the thought away, “I’m not there yet,” I would think.
My pastor’s sermon from a couple weeks ago blazed into my mind and I remember him saying that when God wants us to learn something in particular, He keeps us in that situation or ones like it so we can learn.
Had I ever “submitted” to Dave as my boss? Heck no! I’d decided early on that he was just a kook. Who submits to a kook?
Of course I was looking like a fool! I may continue to look like a fool the entire time I know him. As I wrote in my journal Tuesday afternoon, “What’s important is that I learn to submit to the man when he reprimands me and be humble about my mistakes.”
But the realizations were not done with me yet. I was reflecting on how, lately, I look at people as they speak to me and think about how much God loves them. I don’t feel that way about Dave. But during book study we discussed something C.S. Lewis said: “Do not waste your time bothering whether you ‘love’ your neighbor; act as if you did. As soon as we do this we find one of the great secrets. When you are behaving as if you loved someone, you will presently come to love him.”
It now appeared as if my mission at W.W. Grigg was to learn humility, submission, and to love the unlovable.
I felt as though I really needed to open my Bible to something about fruits of the Spirit. Just as I was about to flip it open I felt God say, “Here, let me do that.” So I let it flip open at random and read the first thing I set eyes on. Haha, get this: “I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful.” John 15:1-2. More fruitful!! Whoo-hoo!! I’m being pruned!! At this point, I couldn’t wait to be pruned.
As the day progressed, I was told I’d made quite a few more mistakes. I took it cheerfully, now that I knew what was going on. I really felt like the Spirit was urging me to tell Dave I was sorry for all the mistakes I’d been making but I never found a moment in which to do so. I determined to say it the next day.
Here’s what I wrote in my journal the next morning:
I think this is all part of being still and coming to know that You are God. There is nothing to fear in this situation; there should be no pride or arrogance; there’s no cause for a self righteous attitude. You are pruning me and helping the gifts of Your Spirit to flourish. You are teaching me to rely on You. You are teaching me to stop worrying, stressing, feeling angry, etc., and just know You’re there taking care of everything.
“[The Spirit] comes from the Father, who looked down with unspeakable good pleasure on the humiliation and obedience and self-sacrifice of Christ, as the highest proof of his surrender to him.”
“[Christ] desires to manifest his likeness in us and to give us a full share of all that is his.” (quotes from “The Prayer Life” by Andrew Murray)
The words from the first sentence seem familiar to me; I think that’s what You are working on in me. You are doing this so the second sentence can be true.
How could I not be excited about being pruned? I just read those verses again and I am so excited! Of course, it’s the actual sitting in the moment that is hard. Probably when I get to work Dave will say something that will trigger anger, frustration, something.
When I got to work, I continued to feel urged by the Spirit to apologize for all the mistakes I’d been making. I finally went into Dave’s office and did that. Phew! I got an ear full! Dave just started telling me that there were other people who wanted the job, that when he walked in and saw me leaning on the bench the other day he was done with me, that he needs people who are willing to work hard and I wasn’t doing that, He was glad I was reading the Word but when he comes in and finds that I’m doing it on his time that frustrates him, and on and on and on.
I just stood there and ate it. I ate it all. This whole time I thought I was working my butt off and have been feeling very proud of myself and I just ate it. How terribly painful!
Then the tirade morphed. He began telling me that He didn’t have time to spend with God, that he couldn’t sleep at night because he was trying to figure out the next step for his business before he went bankrupt, that he was still struggling over the fact that Krista had been pregnant but God took the baby away.
At one point he was done and I felt the Spirit urge me to offer to pray for him. So I told home I would be praying for him. That wasn’t good enough for God so He roused Dave into more talking until I finally had the courage to say, “Can I pray for you right now?” I hate praying out loud in front of people! After I prayed he told me that was the best thing to happen all day “so far”. I told him I want to work hard for him, then the conversation was over and I went back out to the warehouse.
I spent the rest of the day in silence, thinking hard and feeling like crap. I still think I’ve been working hard this whole time and God just put blinders on Dave’s eyes so all this would happen. I fully believe that it serves a purpose that is quite possibly beyond me. I will work as hard as I can but I think the biggest change will be in my attitude toward Dave and he may (or may not and there’s nothing I can do about it) see this as a change in my performance.
As I left for the day I told Dave thank you for being honest with me. He started telling me about how when he walks into the warehouse he gets a snapshot of things from the past and he’s just enabled so many people and been backed into corners and had to learn how to bite back (I think that may have been an apology). Then he said he’s told Mary earlier that never has he received an offer of prayer from someone he’d just bitten. “That was really cool,” he said.
I am learning humility, submission, and to love the unlovable. Apparently Dave needed to see Jesus and somehow, through my painful learning process, he did. I can only hope.
I am learning humility, submission, and to love the unlovable, and all of this is teaching me to be still and know that He is God.
And I have so, so far to go. But what an amazing journey!
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