I’m not sure how to share this; I’m not sure I’ve got the words yet, but I have a strong desire to share what I’m going through. Maybe people will understand; maybe they won’t. I don’t really think that matters; people like me who take the time to write things don’t do so in order that other people will understand, but so that the we, the writers, can better understand. That’s why my journal is one of the most important things about me.
When someone tells you they are struggling with depression, what do you think? Do you see someone laying in a darkened room, unwilling to get up, and thinking dark thoughts of death? Someone who can’t smile and possibly never stops crying?
My first thought when I woke up this morning was, “Now I’m going to have to get out of bed,” but it wasn’t too difficult to do so. Then I found myself in the bathroom thinking, “Maybe I made it all up. I’m doing fine.” And I worried that I was a liar.
The thing about depression is that it tricks you. It can come and go so that one moment you’re laughing and the next you feel hurt and abandoned and you want to find some dark place to crawl into and cry. Then you feel fine again and you think, “Well, I don’t know what that was. I shouldn’t tell anyone, though, because I’m fine now.”
Over five years ago I struggled with depression. It got pretty bad. I’m not sure how I hid it so well but I was recently reconnected with my Starbucks manager from that time and I asked him if I could explain everything that had been going on and he replied that he hadn’t noticed anything was wrong. I had apparently and effectively hidden my depression from everyone around me (except maybe my mom; I think she knew something was up).
I didn’t feel as though I had anyone to turn to; I was alone in the world. Every evening I came home and consumed a bottle of wine because without it I couldn’t fall asleep. I would wake up in the middle of the night sobbing for no reason except that’s how I felt inside. In the morning I would wake up and get out of bed like a robot, going to work and plastering that super fake Starbucks girl smile on my face. I spent the whole day hating everyone around me for everything they said to me and wishing - just wishing - I had someone to talk to. But I was convinced there was no one. I fantasized about death, imagining how much easier it would be if I just ended it all; but I knew that was too selfish and I could never pull it off.
It was during that time that I gave my life to Christ. I have never regretted my decision. Christ has given me life that I never want to go without again. When I imagine life without Him, I can only imagine a bleak and hopeless world that I don’t ever want to go back to.
So what now? I recognize the symptoms, though it’s not nearly as bad as it was five years ago. How does Christ make a difference in all this today? That’s what I’m really wondering. He’s with me; He’s giving me life. So how is this time different from last time?
Yesterday I cried for four hours. What set it off was an irrational feeling of abandonment from everyone. I had this hopeless feeling inside me and I knew I had to cut off all my friendships and stop trying to reach out to people before they could hurt me anymore. At the same time there was a small voice inside me (the Holy Spirit?) that said, “No! That’s all wrong! You are loved! Now is the time to reach out to the body of Christ. Do not lock them out.” I resisted this voice for as long as I could (it’s easier to believe there is no one than to muster the courage to ask for help). Finally, I sent out emails requesting prayer and I called my mom and told her what was going on. We talked for a long time and I just cried.
I was home alone nearly all day. I think that was God’s doing, putting me in a position where I would reach out for help for the first time in my life. I texted Jami and Shelli to see when they’d be home. Jami decided to call me back instead of text me (I think God did that on purpose as well) and could tell right away that I was not ok. She insisted that she could come home and within 45 minutes she was there, just sitting beside me. I knew I was loved. I received emails, and phone calls, and hugs from the people I live with, and all these things reminded me that I am loved.
And so, one big difference between then and now is that I have people to turn to - wonderful, tangible people.
Another difference - the biggest difference - is that I have hope. I know Christ - I know my God and my Creator - and that brings me much joy and hope. I know that everything has a purpose and this season of tears is meant to test and purify my faith (1 Peter 1:3-9). What an awesome thing! I am never alone because of this God; I always have Someone to turn to. I have the Holy Spirit as a seal of God’s establishing me in Christ (2 Cor 1:21-22), which means the Truth is always being whispered into my heart. Indeed, the Truth lives and reigns inside me!
Really I think that’s the only difference between then and now. It was Christ who placed in me the desire to seek fellowship, to seek a church and belong to a ministry.
Please don’t think I’ve got this “figured out”. Right now I feel fine so it’s easy to talk and write about hope and joy and all that; it’s easy to sound as though everything’s going to be all right. It won’t always be this easy. There will be moments of pure darkness when I can’t understand the light and I want to inflict the same pain I think others are trying to inflict on me, times when the Holy Spirit is a mere whisper and Satan is raging and blocking everything else out. But still the Holy Spirit will be whispering and the battle has already been won and I will learn to step out of the darkness and abide in the Light. And through this process, I pray that Jesus Christ is glorified, because that’s all that really matters.
Well, I hope this is suitably dramatic for you. I’m a little embarrassed to post it but I’m going to do it anyway. Please be praying for me!
Friday, November 20, 2009
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Sovereignty and Sheep
On Sunday I visited Household of Faith Community Church to see my young friend, Kaleb, get baptized. While I was there I took the time to seek out a woman for whom I used to baby sit many years ago. When I called Lauri Tauscher’s name, she looked at me blankly for a moment, then recognition registered on her face and she joyfully wrapped her arms around me in one of the longest hugs of my life. She then took me to see her two older kids, the two I used to watch, and we stood and talked for awhile.
I’m not sure Lauri knows much about the past ten years of my life but I don’t think she really cares, either. At one point I mentioned “messing up my life” and she quickly turned to face me, looked me in the eye, and said, “You did not mess up your life. God is sovereign and He has always been in control.”
I have turned that over in my mind many times since she said that. I wonder that I could say, “God is almighty, God is omnipresent, God is in control,” and not understand that He was those things in my life even before I knew Him. It really is a change in perspective for me. I guess I figured that, since I had chosen to live without Him, He had chosen not to control my life. But a God who is sovereign can do naught but control my life.
This morning I read in Genesis, “…the God Who has been my shepherd all my life to this day…” 48:15. I think I would normally have thought, “How nice for Jacob,” but this time, with Lauri’s words still ringing in my head, I realized this is true for me as well; the Lord has been my shepherd all my life.
My friend Tiffany once shared a story of shepherds and their flocks. If a shepherd has a wayward sheep who constantly breaks away from the flock, the shepherd will break the sheep’s leg so it cannot walk on its own, then carry the sheep around on his shoulders until the leg is healed. By the time the sheep can walk on its own again, it has come to know its shepherd intimately and no longer attempts to stray.
This may seem, to some, a very inhumane way to deal with an animal, but I’m sure shepherds tried many ways to cure their flocks of this habit until they found one that worked. I doubt that any shepherd liked to break his sheep’s leg but knew that, in order to form that bond of trust that would keep the sheep alive, it had to be done.
In the Bible, God’s people are frequently referred to as sheep:
“For He is our God, and we are the people of His pasture, and the sheep of His hand.” Psalm 95:7
“For thus says the Lord God, ‘Behold, I Myself will search for My sheep and seek them out. As a shepherd cares for his herd in the day when he is among his scattered sheep, so I will care for My sheep and will deliver them from all the places to which they were scattered on a cloudy and gloomy day.’ ” Isaiah 34:11-12
“And you are My sheep, human sheep of My pasture, and I am your God, declares the Lord GOD.” Ezekiel 34:31
I have always been God’s sheep, and He has always been my Shepherd. He did not want to be the Shepherd from Whom I continually bolted from and so He allowed my legs to be broken so I could not walk without Him. Then, in the moment of my need, He gathered me up in His arms and laid me across His shoulders. What a beautiful picture of God’s faithfulness!
When Lauri reminded me that God was sovereign even when I didn’t know Him, I remembered one of the final verses of Genesis, “ ‘And as for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good in order to bring about this present result…’ ” 50:20. Years ago I shook my fist at God and turned my back on Him, living my life as opposite from how the Bible instructs as possible. On the surface it would seem that each step took me further and further from God, but in reality He was orchestrating everything until I was in a position to recognize Him as my Good Shepherd.
There’s a lot in my past that I have yet to forgive myself for. If I understand that God has always been sovereign in my life and recognize that the goal of life is not to live a stainless life but only to know and follow Jesus Christ, then I know I can forgive myself for what I have done and see these things not as “messing up my life” but “the steps that led me to Life.”
“ ‘My sheep hear My voice, and I know them, and they follow Me; and I give eternal life to them, and they shall never perish; and no one shall snatch them out of My hand. My Father, who has given them to Me, is greater than all; and no one is able to snatch them out of the Father’s hand. I and the Father are one.’ ” John 10:27-30
I’m not sure Lauri knows much about the past ten years of my life but I don’t think she really cares, either. At one point I mentioned “messing up my life” and she quickly turned to face me, looked me in the eye, and said, “You did not mess up your life. God is sovereign and He has always been in control.”
I have turned that over in my mind many times since she said that. I wonder that I could say, “God is almighty, God is omnipresent, God is in control,” and not understand that He was those things in my life even before I knew Him. It really is a change in perspective for me. I guess I figured that, since I had chosen to live without Him, He had chosen not to control my life. But a God who is sovereign can do naught but control my life.
This morning I read in Genesis, “…the God Who has been my shepherd all my life to this day…” 48:15. I think I would normally have thought, “How nice for Jacob,” but this time, with Lauri’s words still ringing in my head, I realized this is true for me as well; the Lord has been my shepherd all my life.
My friend Tiffany once shared a story of shepherds and their flocks. If a shepherd has a wayward sheep who constantly breaks away from the flock, the shepherd will break the sheep’s leg so it cannot walk on its own, then carry the sheep around on his shoulders until the leg is healed. By the time the sheep can walk on its own again, it has come to know its shepherd intimately and no longer attempts to stray.
This may seem, to some, a very inhumane way to deal with an animal, but I’m sure shepherds tried many ways to cure their flocks of this habit until they found one that worked. I doubt that any shepherd liked to break his sheep’s leg but knew that, in order to form that bond of trust that would keep the sheep alive, it had to be done.
In the Bible, God’s people are frequently referred to as sheep:
“For He is our God, and we are the people of His pasture, and the sheep of His hand.” Psalm 95:7
“For thus says the Lord God, ‘Behold, I Myself will search for My sheep and seek them out. As a shepherd cares for his herd in the day when he is among his scattered sheep, so I will care for My sheep and will deliver them from all the places to which they were scattered on a cloudy and gloomy day.’ ” Isaiah 34:11-12
“And you are My sheep, human sheep of My pasture, and I am your God, declares the Lord GOD.” Ezekiel 34:31
I have always been God’s sheep, and He has always been my Shepherd. He did not want to be the Shepherd from Whom I continually bolted from and so He allowed my legs to be broken so I could not walk without Him. Then, in the moment of my need, He gathered me up in His arms and laid me across His shoulders. What a beautiful picture of God’s faithfulness!
When Lauri reminded me that God was sovereign even when I didn’t know Him, I remembered one of the final verses of Genesis, “ ‘And as for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good in order to bring about this present result…’ ” 50:20. Years ago I shook my fist at God and turned my back on Him, living my life as opposite from how the Bible instructs as possible. On the surface it would seem that each step took me further and further from God, but in reality He was orchestrating everything until I was in a position to recognize Him as my Good Shepherd.
There’s a lot in my past that I have yet to forgive myself for. If I understand that God has always been sovereign in my life and recognize that the goal of life is not to live a stainless life but only to know and follow Jesus Christ, then I know I can forgive myself for what I have done and see these things not as “messing up my life” but “the steps that led me to Life.”
“ ‘My sheep hear My voice, and I know them, and they follow Me; and I give eternal life to them, and they shall never perish; and no one shall snatch them out of My hand. My Father, who has given them to Me, is greater than all; and no one is able to snatch them out of the Father’s hand. I and the Father are one.’ ” John 10:27-30
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Lonely
I woke up this morning and realized that I am really lonely. It is at times like this that my singleness seems to become a suffocating burden. I laid in bed and talked to God, telling Him that I am just too lonely. I told Him that I feel as though He will withhold marriage until I have mastered this overbearing feeling of loneliness. He knows, however, that I cannot master this. What is the point of being so lonely?
“Why are you in despair, O my soul? And why have you become disturbed within me?” Psalm 42:5a
I’m around people all the time. Really I’m quite social but superficial society is not something that appeases my loneliness. If someone asks how I am I’m quite willing to be vulnerable but it’s usually at that moment that someone else walks in and the conversation is side-tracked. There’s no opportunity for depth in these situations.
The people I spend time with expect vulnerability from me but I can’t just sit down and pour my heart out just like that. I need a chance to warm up. I need some encouragement. I don’t actually think my struggles are important to other people so I have to get used to the thought that they actually do care before I can open up.
The part that baffles me the most is that, when I finally realize that I need company, everyone disappears. This never fails to happen. Friends will always tell you, “I’ll be there whenever you need me,” but it’s never really true; I can’t actually expect anyone to be there for me. I try calling and emailing but everyone’s busy.
Really I’m too picky. There are few people I’m willing to take this loneliness to. With most people I fear being a burden. With others I’m afraid of being misunderstood.
God, I’m lonely. For someone who seeks solitude, this is really confusing. How do I get out?
“Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him for the help of His presence.” Psalm 42:5b
I reach out to God but He’s not a magician who just fixes my problems. I reach out to Him and still I feel lonely. Then I feel like I must be doing something wrong. This is challenging to my faith. Where is God?
“I will say to God my rock, ‘Why have You forgotten me? Why do I go mourning because of the oppression of the enemy?’ ” Psalm 42:9
What struggle is this? Is it Satan whispering “lonely” into my ear, trying to make me believe I am alone? Is it Satan who is trying to keep me in the dark? Trying to keep alone so I cannot be supported by the body of Christ? I can hide in this darkness and continue in despair and be led toward sin or I can seek the light and see God be glorified (John 3:19-21).
“O send out Your light and Your truth, let them lead me; let them bring me to Your holy hill, and to Your dwelling places. Then I will go to the alter of God, to my exceeding joy; and upon the lyre I will praise You, O God, my God.” Psalm 42:3-4
“Why are you in despair, O my soul? And why have you become disturbed within me?” Psalm 42:5a
I’m around people all the time. Really I’m quite social but superficial society is not something that appeases my loneliness. If someone asks how I am I’m quite willing to be vulnerable but it’s usually at that moment that someone else walks in and the conversation is side-tracked. There’s no opportunity for depth in these situations.
The people I spend time with expect vulnerability from me but I can’t just sit down and pour my heart out just like that. I need a chance to warm up. I need some encouragement. I don’t actually think my struggles are important to other people so I have to get used to the thought that they actually do care before I can open up.
The part that baffles me the most is that, when I finally realize that I need company, everyone disappears. This never fails to happen. Friends will always tell you, “I’ll be there whenever you need me,” but it’s never really true; I can’t actually expect anyone to be there for me. I try calling and emailing but everyone’s busy.
Really I’m too picky. There are few people I’m willing to take this loneliness to. With most people I fear being a burden. With others I’m afraid of being misunderstood.
God, I’m lonely. For someone who seeks solitude, this is really confusing. How do I get out?
“Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him for the help of His presence.” Psalm 42:5b
I reach out to God but He’s not a magician who just fixes my problems. I reach out to Him and still I feel lonely. Then I feel like I must be doing something wrong. This is challenging to my faith. Where is God?
“I will say to God my rock, ‘Why have You forgotten me? Why do I go mourning because of the oppression of the enemy?’ ” Psalm 42:9
What struggle is this? Is it Satan whispering “lonely” into my ear, trying to make me believe I am alone? Is it Satan who is trying to keep me in the dark? Trying to keep alone so I cannot be supported by the body of Christ? I can hide in this darkness and continue in despair and be led toward sin or I can seek the light and see God be glorified (John 3:19-21).
“O send out Your light and Your truth, let them lead me; let them bring me to Your holy hill, and to Your dwelling places. Then I will go to the alter of God, to my exceeding joy; and upon the lyre I will praise You, O God, my God.” Psalm 42:3-4
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Praise and Prayer
I want to start my prayer page by praising God. October 30th marks my 5th Christian birthday. I have the memory of that dreary autumn day firmly lodged in my head, and I also have a journal entry to mark that day forever as the day I found Life. I had been struggling with depression for many months and had finally reached the end of my rope. Just a few weeks previously I had told a friend that I didn’t know how much longer I could take it. She had replied, “Jesus can help you with that.”
I had grown up in a Christian family but had never really taken God seriously. Being a Christian was just the cool thing to do until I grew up and realized how much it restricted me (or at least that’s how I saw it then). I told God that if He wanted me, He’d have to come down and speak right to my face. God didn’t answer my request the way I demanded Him to and so I rebelled, turned my back on Him, and, in time, came to mock Christians and even the idea of there being a God.
I hadn’t liked my friend’s answer but it took root and grew until this day a few weeks later, when I sat on my bed and recorded my first prayer: “God, I don’t want to fake it this time. If I’m going to do this, I really want to know You. Let’s do this for real this time.”
God wouldn’t answer the prayer of my youth because it was made in pride and arrogance. I know now that He had to wait for me to be completely broken so I could understand how much I need Him. When I finally prayed out of this understanding, God showed up and changed my life. The tears of despair became tears of joy. I could smile again and my laughter lost its malicious edge. I began to hope and look forward to the days ahead. I saw His fingerprints everywhere I looked and began to experience the God I had put my faith in, leading me to deeper and deeper faith.
There’s a new (as of this summer) song playing on Christian radio that reminds me of that first year after I came to know the Lord. When I hear it, the memories flood my mind and I feel joy fit to burst and sometimes find myself crying. I want to share that song with you. Here’s a link to a slideshow on you tube: Born Again by Third Day
I ask that you praise the Lord with me as I celebrate 5 years as His child. Also, please pray that I continue to learn what it means to be His child, the love lavished on me, the faithful promises He has made. I hope someday to have so much confidence in who He says I am that I can finally throw all fears to the wind and simply serve Him.
Please pray also for my financial support; I need to raise about $300 in monthly commitments to be at full support. If you feel led to join my financial team or to increase the amount you are already giving, you can click on this link: support page
Finally, praise God that I am on staff with YD Adventures year-round now and pray that I learn how to do my job well and that I have wisdom in what responsibilities to take on here in the office.
Thank you for your prayers and your support! I appreciate that God has placed each of you in my life. It’s an incredible journey and I’m glad the Lord has not asked me to walk it alone.
I had grown up in a Christian family but had never really taken God seriously. Being a Christian was just the cool thing to do until I grew up and realized how much it restricted me (or at least that’s how I saw it then). I told God that if He wanted me, He’d have to come down and speak right to my face. God didn’t answer my request the way I demanded Him to and so I rebelled, turned my back on Him, and, in time, came to mock Christians and even the idea of there being a God.
I hadn’t liked my friend’s answer but it took root and grew until this day a few weeks later, when I sat on my bed and recorded my first prayer: “God, I don’t want to fake it this time. If I’m going to do this, I really want to know You. Let’s do this for real this time.”
God wouldn’t answer the prayer of my youth because it was made in pride and arrogance. I know now that He had to wait for me to be completely broken so I could understand how much I need Him. When I finally prayed out of this understanding, God showed up and changed my life. The tears of despair became tears of joy. I could smile again and my laughter lost its malicious edge. I began to hope and look forward to the days ahead. I saw His fingerprints everywhere I looked and began to experience the God I had put my faith in, leading me to deeper and deeper faith.
There’s a new (as of this summer) song playing on Christian radio that reminds me of that first year after I came to know the Lord. When I hear it, the memories flood my mind and I feel joy fit to burst and sometimes find myself crying. I want to share that song with you. Here’s a link to a slideshow on you tube: Born Again by Third Day
I ask that you praise the Lord with me as I celebrate 5 years as His child. Also, please pray that I continue to learn what it means to be His child, the love lavished on me, the faithful promises He has made. I hope someday to have so much confidence in who He says I am that I can finally throw all fears to the wind and simply serve Him.
Please pray also for my financial support; I need to raise about $300 in monthly commitments to be at full support. If you feel led to join my financial team or to increase the amount you are already giving, you can click on this link: support page
Finally, praise God that I am on staff with YD Adventures year-round now and pray that I learn how to do my job well and that I have wisdom in what responsibilities to take on here in the office.
Thank you for your prayers and your support! I appreciate that God has placed each of you in my life. It’s an incredible journey and I’m glad the Lord has not asked me to walk it alone.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Prayer Request
Hey friends!
I am on a trip starting Fri morning until Sun afternoon. The group is local to the Canby area. Please be praying for the group and the YD staff. Here are my specific prayer requests:
1. That students are challenged to live their faith/take their faith deeper.
2. Discernment for staff to see where God has been working in these students' lives.
3. Ability for staff to join God in this work.
4. That the Lord continues the good work He began during (and probably long before) the missions trip these kids were on earlier this summer.
5. That the Lord would reveal Himself in awesome and wonderful ways.
Thank you! I appreciate your willingness to pray!
I am on a trip starting Fri morning until Sun afternoon. The group is local to the Canby area. Please be praying for the group and the YD staff. Here are my specific prayer requests:
1. That students are challenged to live their faith/take their faith deeper.
2. Discernment for staff to see where God has been working in these students' lives.
3. Ability for staff to join God in this work.
4. That the Lord continues the good work He began during (and probably long before) the missions trip these kids were on earlier this summer.
5. That the Lord would reveal Himself in awesome and wonderful ways.
Thank you! I appreciate your willingness to pray!
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Adventure
My solo day today was spent on Angel’s Rest in the Gorge. The hike up was awesome but not as satisfying as I’d hoped. I wanted to talk to God the whole way up - like one would a friend one is hiking with - but kept fantasizing about things instead. I have a problem with my imagination; it’s always running away with me.
One thing was established on the way up. During 4th of July weekend, I believe God gave me a hint of something my future may hold. However, it’s a long way off, if it ever happens at all. I can’t disclose what, exactly, He has told me but I can tell you that it scares me. Not in a “that’s a horrible thing I hope it never happens!” way but in a “Is that even possible?” way. But with the knowledge that He may call me to something I see as impossible, I know that all things are possible through Christ who strengthens me.
On our way up to Angel’s Rest I told Him, “I will go.” To which He responded, “Be still.”
The God of heaven and earth is the most exasperating individual in all of eternity! It seems to me as though that is the most frequent answer to all my prayers. Sometimes I want to ask, “What is this ‘Be still’ crap?”
Thankfully “Be still” is not the same thing as “Do nothing.” For now I will “Be still” while continuing to do ministry through YD Adventures, finding a part time job to pay off my debt, and serving the Lord in other small but meaningful ways. I can only do the things He has set before me to do and wait until He tells me to take the next step.
I’ll tell you one thing; my life has not ceased being an adventure since I gave it to Christ. It’s not always easy or fun but it’s frequently challenging and always worth living. Jesus did, after all, tell us that He came so we could have life to the full (John 10:10).
But that takes believing in and following Jesus. God created us for Himself and so we can never have life to the full as long as we are living it for ourselves. “Be still,” He tells us, “and know that I am God.” What does it mean to know He is God? It means to understand that He is Lord and Creator, that He holds all power and all our rights, that He is the author of our faith and the inventor of grace, that He is love, and then to respond by bending our knees and bowing our heads in surrender and proclaiming, “He is God!”
I write this and at the same time realize that I have to go through this process daily. I am only human and it is a struggle to give up my selfishness and let Christ rule in my heart. But I would rather have God’s adventure for my life than my own selfish ways any day.
One thing was established on the way up. During 4th of July weekend, I believe God gave me a hint of something my future may hold. However, it’s a long way off, if it ever happens at all. I can’t disclose what, exactly, He has told me but I can tell you that it scares me. Not in a “that’s a horrible thing I hope it never happens!” way but in a “Is that even possible?” way. But with the knowledge that He may call me to something I see as impossible, I know that all things are possible through Christ who strengthens me.
On our way up to Angel’s Rest I told Him, “I will go.” To which He responded, “Be still.”
The God of heaven and earth is the most exasperating individual in all of eternity! It seems to me as though that is the most frequent answer to all my prayers. Sometimes I want to ask, “What is this ‘Be still’ crap?”
Thankfully “Be still” is not the same thing as “Do nothing.” For now I will “Be still” while continuing to do ministry through YD Adventures, finding a part time job to pay off my debt, and serving the Lord in other small but meaningful ways. I can only do the things He has set before me to do and wait until He tells me to take the next step.
I’ll tell you one thing; my life has not ceased being an adventure since I gave it to Christ. It’s not always easy or fun but it’s frequently challenging and always worth living. Jesus did, after all, tell us that He came so we could have life to the full (John 10:10).
But that takes believing in and following Jesus. God created us for Himself and so we can never have life to the full as long as we are living it for ourselves. “Be still,” He tells us, “and know that I am God.” What does it mean to know He is God? It means to understand that He is Lord and Creator, that He holds all power and all our rights, that He is the author of our faith and the inventor of grace, that He is love, and then to respond by bending our knees and bowing our heads in surrender and proclaiming, “He is God!”
I write this and at the same time realize that I have to go through this process daily. I am only human and it is a struggle to give up my selfishness and let Christ rule in my heart. But I would rather have God’s adventure for my life than my own selfish ways any day.
Friday, July 10, 2009
Light
“If God allows the sun to shine upon you moment by moment, without intermission, will not God let His life shine upon you every moment? And why have you not experienced it? Because you have not trusted God for it, and you do not surrender yourself absolutely to God in that trust.” *Murray, 8
“In Him was life, and the life was the light of men. And the light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not comprehend it.” John 1:4-5
What the light reveals in us is death (“… for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God…” Romans 3:23; “For the wages of sin is death…” Romans 6:23a). We do not trust God so we close all the blinds of our soul, hoping to shut out the light (“And this is the judgment, that the light is come into the world, and men loved the darkness rather than the light; for their deeds were evil” John 3:19). What we don’t realize is that we are hiding nothing from the light; it sees all (“Even the darkness is not dark to You, and the night is as bright as the day. Darkness and light are alike to You.” Psalm 139:12). We are merely blinding ourselves from the light and what it reveals, effectively keeping us from discovering the life this light provides.
“…but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 6:23b
“There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has set you free from the law of sin and of death.” Romans 8:1-2
“…I came that they might have life, and might have it abundantly.” John 10:10b
* “Absolute Surrender” by Andrew Murray
“In Him was life, and the life was the light of men. And the light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not comprehend it.” John 1:4-5
What the light reveals in us is death (“… for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God…” Romans 3:23; “For the wages of sin is death…” Romans 6:23a). We do not trust God so we close all the blinds of our soul, hoping to shut out the light (“And this is the judgment, that the light is come into the world, and men loved the darkness rather than the light; for their deeds were evil” John 3:19). What we don’t realize is that we are hiding nothing from the light; it sees all (“Even the darkness is not dark to You, and the night is as bright as the day. Darkness and light are alike to You.” Psalm 139:12). We are merely blinding ourselves from the light and what it reveals, effectively keeping us from discovering the life this light provides.
“…but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 6:23b
“There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has set you free from the law of sin and of death.” Romans 8:1-2
“…I came that they might have life, and might have it abundantly.” John 10:10b
* “Absolute Surrender” by Andrew Murray
Monday, June 15, 2009
Ebenezer
I had the luxury of going up to the Long Beach Peninsula in WA this past spring. My parents own some lovely bay front property in Oysterville and I occasionally snag the opportunity to go up there alone and pray. I especially try to do this before the YD summer kicks off. I love solo retreats but I remember the last one I took; I had high expectations which weren’t met and I was extremely disappointed. I made up my mind then that I would never go into my retreats with my own agenda again. Instead, I would go in prayerfully and ready to accept what God had for me.
I mentioned this at our Southgate women’s Bible study and it was suggested to me that I go into this solo retreat with only the expectation of letting the Lord enjoy me. I liked this idea and prayed for days, “Lord, what can I do to make sure You can enjoy me?” The only direction I got from the Lord was, “Know that I am good.” Thus, I left Friday morning with only the ideas “God is good” and “let Him enjoy me” on my heart.
(Hahaha, as I type this, the song “God is Good” by Enter the Worship Circle just started playing on my computer. Awesome!)
God is good! He is far too good for my mind or imagination to comprehend.
After I got settled into the trailer and had walked out to say hello to the Willapa Bay I settled down with my Bible and a couple devotional books, including “The Calvary Road” by Roy Hession. Our director at YD Adventures had been encouraging us to read the interview in the back of this book and so I opened it up and began to read. I didn’t get very far before something that I still think is incredible happened. Here’s my journal entry from that moment:
From “The Calvary Road” p 112:
“And I remember one of them said, ‘Roy, you need to repent.’ I said, ‘Where do I need to repent?’ In all honesty I didn’t know - I was working so hard, I was praying so much, I was preaching so strong, doing so much.”
I read this and no further before I felt the urge to get down on my face and repent for trying so hard. It felt ridiculous and over dramatic but who really cares? No one’s here! So I wept and repented for trying and admitted that I don’t know how not to. I asked, “When can I start living as a child of God? Why am I waiting until I’m perfect?” Then I admitted to feeling bad that I have to take, take, take but suddenly realized that You are infinite so You can give, give, give and that’s what You want; that’s what You’re asking for.
So, Lord, teach me to stop trying and start taking. Screw perfectionism. I’m just going to take because You’re offering and I’m going to keep taking until I’m overflowing and then I’m going to GIVE what You’ve GIVEN me and I’m going to revel in the joy of TAKING and not TRYING!
I then left for the beach and watched the sun set, giddy with joy and feeling as though a huge weight had been taken from my shoulders. The rest of the weekend God confirmed that message to me through the Bible and books I was reading.
One conversation Jesus and I had on the beach was about His blood. Roy Hession writes a lot about being cleansed by the blood of Jesus. Deep down inside I always had the impression that, although Jesus gave His blood freely, it was my responsibility to wash myself. I was so confused as to how to actually “apply the blood” that I rarely felt as though my sins had been cleansed by His blood. As the sun was disappearing behind our slowly revolving earth, Jesus told me that I am not responsible for scrubbing myself clean. I need only surrender myself to Him, ask to be cleansed by His blood; He’ll do all the washing. No more trying.
I’d been reading through Romans for many weeks by the time I went to WA for my retreat. Here’s another piece to my journal:
Haha! I feel like I just found the proper meaning of this verse:
“He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him up for us all, how will He not also with Him freely give us all things?” Romans 8:32
You don’t want us to try and do it on our own. You want us to take. You are freely giving us all things.
Give, give, give, that’s what the God I know does. Lord, I pray to receive your gifts freely. Open my hands and teach me to take from You. Disallow me to try any longer. If I belong to You - which I do - then I shall receive every good thing from You.
“Every good thing bestowed and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation, or shifting shadow.” James 1:17
The Bible is riddled with God offering us free gifts. I think I always just looked at this and thought, “That’s nice of Him,” without actually receiving any of these gifts. Here He is: infinite, omnipotent, sovereign, and I’m rejecting His gifts (postulating: ) “because I might need them later.”
I need them now!
“For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life through Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 6:23
The same day I opened up “Prayer” by Richard Foster and read:
“Instead of striving to make this or that happen, we learn trust in a heavenly Father who loves to give. This does not promote inactivity, but it does promote dependent activity. No longer do we take things into our own hands. Rather, we place all things into divine hands and then act out of inner promptings.” p 96
Later I read psalm 145. This verse stuck out:
“Thou dost open Thy hand, and dost satisfy the desire of every living thing.” vs. 16
To this I responded:
I imagine shy, flighty birds finding One whose peace and goodness is such that they are willing to sit in and eat from His hand. And I think that’s true and Your hand is always open and we are always invited to eat from it. What I desire is to stay and never leave.
Then from Romans I read:
“But as for Israel He says, ‘All the day long I have stretched out my hands to a disobedient and obstinate people.” Romans 10:21
I always thought of God’s hand stretching palm side down, as though to take our hand. After reading Psalm 145 I see in my mind God stretching out cupped hands saying, “It’s free! Take it!” He’s holding out a free gift, urging us to take it.
Still later I read:
“For the scripture says, ‘Whoever believes in Him will not be disappointed.’ For there is no distinction between Jew and Greek; for the same Lord is Lord of all, abounding in riches for all who call upon Him; for ‘Whoever will call upon the name of the Lord will be saved.’” Romans 10:11-13
Then:
“It is so often self who tries to live the Christian life (the mere fact that we use the word ‘try’ indicates that it is self who has the responsibility)” The Calvary Road p 22
“… the only life that pleases God and that can be victorious is His life - never our own life, no matter how hard we try.” The Calvary Road p 25
The message is very clear. No more trying. Let be continually broken before You, continually washed in the blood. Lord, this is what I want to take with me from this weekend; no more trying; not “I” but Christ in me and through me.
I think I need to keep in mind that this is still a process. I have much to learn and many old habits You need to break. Ah, brokenness!
Since that weekend I have experientially learned that this is indeed a process. I have forgotten to ask for God’s infinite gifts; I have tried really hard; I have been prideful; I have failed. I have even been enormously frustrated with myself for not remembering to do it right. But each time I “fail” I take one step closer to better understanding that what God offers is free, infinite, and available whenever I ask for it. Each time I “fail” I take one step closer to remembering that I need only ask and He will give.
I have explained as much of this through scripture as I can because 1. That’s how God explained it to me and 2. As God says in Isaiah 55:10-11, “For the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and do not return there without watering the earth, and making it bear and sprout, and furnishing seed to the sower and bread to the eater; so shall My word be which goes forth from My mouth; it shall not return to Me empty, without accomplishing what I desire, and without succeeding in the matter for which I sent it.”
I mentioned this at our Southgate women’s Bible study and it was suggested to me that I go into this solo retreat with only the expectation of letting the Lord enjoy me. I liked this idea and prayed for days, “Lord, what can I do to make sure You can enjoy me?” The only direction I got from the Lord was, “Know that I am good.” Thus, I left Friday morning with only the ideas “God is good” and “let Him enjoy me” on my heart.
(Hahaha, as I type this, the song “God is Good” by Enter the Worship Circle just started playing on my computer. Awesome!)
God is good! He is far too good for my mind or imagination to comprehend.
After I got settled into the trailer and had walked out to say hello to the Willapa Bay I settled down with my Bible and a couple devotional books, including “The Calvary Road” by Roy Hession. Our director at YD Adventures had been encouraging us to read the interview in the back of this book and so I opened it up and began to read. I didn’t get very far before something that I still think is incredible happened. Here’s my journal entry from that moment:
From “The Calvary Road” p 112:
“And I remember one of them said, ‘Roy, you need to repent.’ I said, ‘Where do I need to repent?’ In all honesty I didn’t know - I was working so hard, I was praying so much, I was preaching so strong, doing so much.”
I read this and no further before I felt the urge to get down on my face and repent for trying so hard. It felt ridiculous and over dramatic but who really cares? No one’s here! So I wept and repented for trying and admitted that I don’t know how not to. I asked, “When can I start living as a child of God? Why am I waiting until I’m perfect?” Then I admitted to feeling bad that I have to take, take, take but suddenly realized that You are infinite so You can give, give, give and that’s what You want; that’s what You’re asking for.
So, Lord, teach me to stop trying and start taking. Screw perfectionism. I’m just going to take because You’re offering and I’m going to keep taking until I’m overflowing and then I’m going to GIVE what You’ve GIVEN me and I’m going to revel in the joy of TAKING and not TRYING!
I then left for the beach and watched the sun set, giddy with joy and feeling as though a huge weight had been taken from my shoulders. The rest of the weekend God confirmed that message to me through the Bible and books I was reading.
One conversation Jesus and I had on the beach was about His blood. Roy Hession writes a lot about being cleansed by the blood of Jesus. Deep down inside I always had the impression that, although Jesus gave His blood freely, it was my responsibility to wash myself. I was so confused as to how to actually “apply the blood” that I rarely felt as though my sins had been cleansed by His blood. As the sun was disappearing behind our slowly revolving earth, Jesus told me that I am not responsible for scrubbing myself clean. I need only surrender myself to Him, ask to be cleansed by His blood; He’ll do all the washing. No more trying.
I’d been reading through Romans for many weeks by the time I went to WA for my retreat. Here’s another piece to my journal:
Haha! I feel like I just found the proper meaning of this verse:
“He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him up for us all, how will He not also with Him freely give us all things?” Romans 8:32
You don’t want us to try and do it on our own. You want us to take. You are freely giving us all things.
Give, give, give, that’s what the God I know does. Lord, I pray to receive your gifts freely. Open my hands and teach me to take from You. Disallow me to try any longer. If I belong to You - which I do - then I shall receive every good thing from You.
“Every good thing bestowed and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation, or shifting shadow.” James 1:17
The Bible is riddled with God offering us free gifts. I think I always just looked at this and thought, “That’s nice of Him,” without actually receiving any of these gifts. Here He is: infinite, omnipotent, sovereign, and I’m rejecting His gifts (postulating: ) “because I might need them later.”
I need them now!
“For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life through Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 6:23
The same day I opened up “Prayer” by Richard Foster and read:
“Instead of striving to make this or that happen, we learn trust in a heavenly Father who loves to give. This does not promote inactivity, but it does promote dependent activity. No longer do we take things into our own hands. Rather, we place all things into divine hands and then act out of inner promptings.” p 96
Later I read psalm 145. This verse stuck out:
“Thou dost open Thy hand, and dost satisfy the desire of every living thing.” vs. 16
To this I responded:
I imagine shy, flighty birds finding One whose peace and goodness is such that they are willing to sit in and eat from His hand. And I think that’s true and Your hand is always open and we are always invited to eat from it. What I desire is to stay and never leave.
Then from Romans I read:
“But as for Israel He says, ‘All the day long I have stretched out my hands to a disobedient and obstinate people.” Romans 10:21
I always thought of God’s hand stretching palm side down, as though to take our hand. After reading Psalm 145 I see in my mind God stretching out cupped hands saying, “It’s free! Take it!” He’s holding out a free gift, urging us to take it.
Still later I read:
“For the scripture says, ‘Whoever believes in Him will not be disappointed.’ For there is no distinction between Jew and Greek; for the same Lord is Lord of all, abounding in riches for all who call upon Him; for ‘Whoever will call upon the name of the Lord will be saved.’” Romans 10:11-13
Then:
“It is so often self who tries to live the Christian life (the mere fact that we use the word ‘try’ indicates that it is self who has the responsibility)” The Calvary Road p 22
“… the only life that pleases God and that can be victorious is His life - never our own life, no matter how hard we try.” The Calvary Road p 25
The message is very clear. No more trying. Let be continually broken before You, continually washed in the blood. Lord, this is what I want to take with me from this weekend; no more trying; not “I” but Christ in me and through me.
I think I need to keep in mind that this is still a process. I have much to learn and many old habits You need to break. Ah, brokenness!
Since that weekend I have experientially learned that this is indeed a process. I have forgotten to ask for God’s infinite gifts; I have tried really hard; I have been prideful; I have failed. I have even been enormously frustrated with myself for not remembering to do it right. But each time I “fail” I take one step closer to better understanding that what God offers is free, infinite, and available whenever I ask for it. Each time I “fail” I take one step closer to remembering that I need only ask and He will give.
I have explained as much of this through scripture as I can because 1. That’s how God explained it to me and 2. As God says in Isaiah 55:10-11, “For the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and do not return there without watering the earth, and making it bear and sprout, and furnishing seed to the sower and bread to the eater; so shall My word be which goes forth from My mouth; it shall not return to Me empty, without accomplishing what I desire, and without succeeding in the matter for which I sent it.”
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Our Bodies
“My legs are too short”… “I’m so fat”… “My calves are too big”… “I have thunder thighs” … “There’s this roll of fat around my midsection I can’t get rid of”.
And so we go, if not externally then internally. Right, ladies?
I’ve been having a thought lately. The point was made to me recently through the book of James that, to God, all sin is equal whereas mankind rates sin. Rape is worse than adultery; murder is worse than verbally attacking someone; driving drunk is worse than driving over the speed limit, etc. But Christians learn to understand that, if all sin is equal in the eyes of God then committing adultery is just as bad as rape which is just as bad as verbally attacking someone which is just as bad as… Sin is sin and all sin must be repented of.
I think we do a similar thing with out bodies. Someone, somewhere, somehow, has created a standard. If you don’t fit into this standard, you’re not gorgeous. We are always comparing our bodies to other people‘s - women being worse, I think, then men (men maybe do this more with other things?) and I, personally, being one of the worst I know - listing all our “shortcomings” and beating ourselves up for not living up to this “standard”.
What if we understood that the true judge of beauty is God? What standard, then, must we live up to? He created our bodies; has God ever done anything less then perfectly? I would say not!
I am tired of trying to live my life to shallow standards created by mankind. Free me, Lord, to see my body as one of Your perfect creations. And, Lord, set my thinking straight; the purpose of my body is as one tool to serve You and see You glorified. It is nothing more than that. My body is not what brings me life, joy, or freedom; only You do can do that.
The correlation between the two is only that mankind creates these standards and then we live by them, believing them to be true, while God is calling us to live by His standards, which are Truth. I want to live by God’s standards and not man’s.
Oh, one more thing: God may do things perfectly but we forever fall short of perfection. Thus, He may have created a perfect body to house your spirit; still, if you are glutinous or lazy or just don't have time to take care of yourself, you may get fat. Or, if you're starving yourself to fit into man's standard, your body is equally unhealthy to any fat person's. I encourage you to take care of your body! It's the temple of God's Holy Spirit!
And so we go, if not externally then internally. Right, ladies?
I’ve been having a thought lately. The point was made to me recently through the book of James that, to God, all sin is equal whereas mankind rates sin. Rape is worse than adultery; murder is worse than verbally attacking someone; driving drunk is worse than driving over the speed limit, etc. But Christians learn to understand that, if all sin is equal in the eyes of God then committing adultery is just as bad as rape which is just as bad as verbally attacking someone which is just as bad as… Sin is sin and all sin must be repented of.
I think we do a similar thing with out bodies. Someone, somewhere, somehow, has created a standard. If you don’t fit into this standard, you’re not gorgeous. We are always comparing our bodies to other people‘s - women being worse, I think, then men (men maybe do this more with other things?) and I, personally, being one of the worst I know - listing all our “shortcomings” and beating ourselves up for not living up to this “standard”.
What if we understood that the true judge of beauty is God? What standard, then, must we live up to? He created our bodies; has God ever done anything less then perfectly? I would say not!
I am tired of trying to live my life to shallow standards created by mankind. Free me, Lord, to see my body as one of Your perfect creations. And, Lord, set my thinking straight; the purpose of my body is as one tool to serve You and see You glorified. It is nothing more than that. My body is not what brings me life, joy, or freedom; only You do can do that.
The correlation between the two is only that mankind creates these standards and then we live by them, believing them to be true, while God is calling us to live by His standards, which are Truth. I want to live by God’s standards and not man’s.
Oh, one more thing: God may do things perfectly but we forever fall short of perfection. Thus, He may have created a perfect body to house your spirit; still, if you are glutinous or lazy or just don't have time to take care of yourself, you may get fat. Or, if you're starving yourself to fit into man's standard, your body is equally unhealthy to any fat person's. I encourage you to take care of your body! It's the temple of God's Holy Spirit!
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Controlled By Love?
My decision to do lectio with 2 Cor 5:14-15 this morning was made because verse 15 says, “…they who live should no longer live for themselves…” because I very much so want to learn, in my heart, that life does not revolve around me.
And so I read:
“For the love of Christ controls us, having concluded this, that one died for all, therefore all died; and He died for all, that they who live should no longer live for themselves, but for Him who died and rose again on their behalf.”
That very first line, “For the love of Christ controls us…” struck me hard. I am controlled by my lusts and passions, by my hates. I am a slave to sin! If only I was controlled by the love of Christ!
Although I don’t think I fully grasp the next part, “…that one died for all, therefore all died…” it did strike me as I read it and the part after, “… and He died for all..” that God died. That should be the most momentous occasion in all of history! Good thing it was “only” God in the flesh that died; if His Spirit were destroyed (which is impossible), we would all be snuffed out, “…for in Him we live and move and exist…” Acts 17:28. Without God, we cannot exist.
How do I accept the sacrifice of God dying on my behalf (I am not controlled by His love but by sin thus I deserve death but His death gave me life if I choose to accept His sacrifice, which I have.)? I suppose, simply (“simple” in theory), that I would die to myself and live for Him, thus living controlled by His love.
It actually kind of shocks me, thinking about it now, how I have accepted His death on my behalf and yet do not live controlled by His love. What a slap in God’s face!
And so I read:
“For the love of Christ controls us, having concluded this, that one died for all, therefore all died; and He died for all, that they who live should no longer live for themselves, but for Him who died and rose again on their behalf.”
That very first line, “For the love of Christ controls us…” struck me hard. I am controlled by my lusts and passions, by my hates. I am a slave to sin! If only I was controlled by the love of Christ!
Although I don’t think I fully grasp the next part, “…that one died for all, therefore all died…” it did strike me as I read it and the part after, “… and He died for all..” that God died. That should be the most momentous occasion in all of history! Good thing it was “only” God in the flesh that died; if His Spirit were destroyed (which is impossible), we would all be snuffed out, “…for in Him we live and move and exist…” Acts 17:28. Without God, we cannot exist.
How do I accept the sacrifice of God dying on my behalf (I am not controlled by His love but by sin thus I deserve death but His death gave me life if I choose to accept His sacrifice, which I have.)? I suppose, simply (“simple” in theory), that I would die to myself and live for Him, thus living controlled by His love.
It actually kind of shocks me, thinking about it now, how I have accepted His death on my behalf and yet do not live controlled by His love. What a slap in God’s face!
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Today
"Oh Lord, You have searched me and known me." Psalm 139:1
Today I invited God to see the rotten core inside me...
...and He told me He loves me.
Today I invited God to see the rotten core inside me...
...and He told me He loves me.
Friday, February 27, 2009
From My Journal
“Oh Lord, You have searched me and known.” Psalm 139:1
During yesterday’s lectio divina I heard God speak through this verse about the intimacy He and I have with one another. Through this verse today He spoke to me of the Holy Spirit; I was reaching inside myself to hear Him and I thought, “Why would I do that? Where is God?” I remembered the Holy Spirit and then Romans 8:26-27 came to mind.
Lord, I am kneeling here wondering how I could give You my life then snatch it back; how could I give You my life then build walls so You can’t have it? When I try to do this lectio, when I try to be quiet before You, I sense those walls. And even though I built them, I am powerless to knock them down. I can do nothing; You must do it.
So I give You my walls.
During yesterday’s lectio divina I heard God speak through this verse about the intimacy He and I have with one another. Through this verse today He spoke to me of the Holy Spirit; I was reaching inside myself to hear Him and I thought, “Why would I do that? Where is God?” I remembered the Holy Spirit and then Romans 8:26-27 came to mind.
Lord, I am kneeling here wondering how I could give You my life then snatch it back; how could I give You my life then build walls so You can’t have it? When I try to do this lectio, when I try to be quiet before You, I sense those walls. And even though I built them, I am powerless to knock them down. I can do nothing; You must do it.
So I give You my walls.
Monday, February 23, 2009
My BMI
A week ago Monday I showed up at the gym to get my Body Mass Index (BMI) officially measured. It was costing me $10 but the results would finally put my mind at ease and so was worth it. You see, over a year ago I signed up with a website called http://www.calledsparkpeople.com/ to track my calories consumed while eating and burned while exercising to see if I could lose the weight that I felt was plaguing me. Spark people suggested that people of my height should weigh anywhere from 100-130 lbs. At the time I weighed 155 lbs and felt that 135 was a plausible goal.
And so I began the hard work of tracking every morsel of food that went in my mouth and every step I took in cardio exercise. I added lifting weights to my exercise repertoire and measured my hips, waste, and neck so I could track the inches I lost (because muscle weighs more than fat so weight is not always a good indication of how your health is increasing). I began to add more fruits, vegetables, and whole grains to my diet and controlled my portions a lot better (like eating 2 cookies instead of 16).
I swear the first 10 lbs melted off like butter; it was exciting and fun and I felt skinny and sexy. The next 5 were a little bit more difficult (cuz I moved from a house with no junk food to a house with girls who can bake some darn good cookies). The last 5 were pretty much impossible and then summer started and I didn’t want to bother with trying to lose weight, doing outdoor adventure stuff, and working with teenagers all at once so the weight loss was put on hold.
As summer came to a close I found that I had only gained 2 lbs. I was excited to get back to work and lose the last 7 lbs to finally reach my goal weight.
But weeks, and then months went by and that last 7 lbs has proven to be very stubborn. I tried hard to cut back on what I was eating but every time I did I found I was hungry. Really, 7 lbs is not worth being hungry and cranky for and anyway I don’t really think going hungry in order to lose a few pounds is all that smart.
My friends have been telling me I look great and have gone so far as to say that if I lost any more weight I would be too skinny (to which I still must respond, “Yeah, right.”). My feelings have been mixed: am I not trying hard enough to get these last lbs off or is 135 lbs an unreasonable goal for me? I finally decided to get my BMI measured and answer the question that way.
When I say I got my BMI measured I am saying that a professional did a test to figure out how much of my body was made up of fat. About 5 years ago I had the skin fold test done and my trainer told me I was 30% fat (which is considered obese). At Club Fit they use the Bioelectric Impedance method, which is not nearly as painful as it sounds. It’s a picky test so I couldn’t eat or drink beforehand but still had to be hydrated, had to be well-rested, couldn’t work out before hand and had to take off all my jewelry. Claire, the nice trainer girl who was helping me, put some sort of magnetic strip things on my hands and feet and then sent an electric current through my body. The machine measured how long it took for the current to get from one end to the other and then spit out a number. We took that number back to the computer, entered it along with my height, gender, and weight, and out popped my body fat percentage.
As we did all this, Claire was telling me about the program and explaining that my results would be saved in the computer so I could be tested again in the future and compare the results with the ones from today to see how much fat I’d… “Oh, you’re 20.9% fat. That’s really good. Healthy body fat for women ranges from 18% to 25%.” She seemed surprised by the results. I was surprised by the results!
I was so surprised by the results, I walked back to the locker room and cried. I was sure I would measure between 26 and 29%. And to think I was feeling like such a failure for not getting that last 7 lbs off!
It’s been a week now and I’m still processing these results. I’ve heard many people throughout my life say that those weight charts weren’t accurate for everyone but I thought they were just trying to find excuses. I just looked up one of those weight charts and it told me I should weigh between 99 and 121 lbs. Could you imagine me at 99 lbs?! I guess my bone structure really is that different, and I’m not just trying to find excuses for my size!
But everyday I have the nagging worry that Claire did something wrong or I was dehydrated or my stomach wasn’t empty enough or something else happened to mess with the results and that I really am still over weight.
My whole life I have lived in hopes that I was not the girl who didn’t fit into the weight charts. I wanted to lose weight and be slim and pretty. Now I don’t care; now I just wish no one had created a mold that we all had to force ourselves into. I’m healthy! What more can I ask for? Yet it’s going to take a long time to actually believe it. I’m so used to seeing myself as the chubby girl.
And so I began the hard work of tracking every morsel of food that went in my mouth and every step I took in cardio exercise. I added lifting weights to my exercise repertoire and measured my hips, waste, and neck so I could track the inches I lost (because muscle weighs more than fat so weight is not always a good indication of how your health is increasing). I began to add more fruits, vegetables, and whole grains to my diet and controlled my portions a lot better (like eating 2 cookies instead of 16).
I swear the first 10 lbs melted off like butter; it was exciting and fun and I felt skinny and sexy. The next 5 were a little bit more difficult (cuz I moved from a house with no junk food to a house with girls who can bake some darn good cookies). The last 5 were pretty much impossible and then summer started and I didn’t want to bother with trying to lose weight, doing outdoor adventure stuff, and working with teenagers all at once so the weight loss was put on hold.
As summer came to a close I found that I had only gained 2 lbs. I was excited to get back to work and lose the last 7 lbs to finally reach my goal weight.
But weeks, and then months went by and that last 7 lbs has proven to be very stubborn. I tried hard to cut back on what I was eating but every time I did I found I was hungry. Really, 7 lbs is not worth being hungry and cranky for and anyway I don’t really think going hungry in order to lose a few pounds is all that smart.
My friends have been telling me I look great and have gone so far as to say that if I lost any more weight I would be too skinny (to which I still must respond, “Yeah, right.”). My feelings have been mixed: am I not trying hard enough to get these last lbs off or is 135 lbs an unreasonable goal for me? I finally decided to get my BMI measured and answer the question that way.
When I say I got my BMI measured I am saying that a professional did a test to figure out how much of my body was made up of fat. About 5 years ago I had the skin fold test done and my trainer told me I was 30% fat (which is considered obese). At Club Fit they use the Bioelectric Impedance method, which is not nearly as painful as it sounds. It’s a picky test so I couldn’t eat or drink beforehand but still had to be hydrated, had to be well-rested, couldn’t work out before hand and had to take off all my jewelry. Claire, the nice trainer girl who was helping me, put some sort of magnetic strip things on my hands and feet and then sent an electric current through my body. The machine measured how long it took for the current to get from one end to the other and then spit out a number. We took that number back to the computer, entered it along with my height, gender, and weight, and out popped my body fat percentage.
As we did all this, Claire was telling me about the program and explaining that my results would be saved in the computer so I could be tested again in the future and compare the results with the ones from today to see how much fat I’d… “Oh, you’re 20.9% fat. That’s really good. Healthy body fat for women ranges from 18% to 25%.” She seemed surprised by the results. I was surprised by the results!
I was so surprised by the results, I walked back to the locker room and cried. I was sure I would measure between 26 and 29%. And to think I was feeling like such a failure for not getting that last 7 lbs off!
It’s been a week now and I’m still processing these results. I’ve heard many people throughout my life say that those weight charts weren’t accurate for everyone but I thought they were just trying to find excuses. I just looked up one of those weight charts and it told me I should weigh between 99 and 121 lbs. Could you imagine me at 99 lbs?! I guess my bone structure really is that different, and I’m not just trying to find excuses for my size!
But everyday I have the nagging worry that Claire did something wrong or I was dehydrated or my stomach wasn’t empty enough or something else happened to mess with the results and that I really am still over weight.
My whole life I have lived in hopes that I was not the girl who didn’t fit into the weight charts. I wanted to lose weight and be slim and pretty. Now I don’t care; now I just wish no one had created a mold that we all had to force ourselves into. I’m healthy! What more can I ask for? Yet it’s going to take a long time to actually believe it. I’m so used to seeing myself as the chubby girl.
Letter to a Friend
About support, I am feeling frustrated and impatient. I am closer to my goal by not by any effort of my own. I know this sounds ungrateful but I really wish some of MY efforts were paying off. I am told to keep calling, keep emailing, keep harassing people about meetings and money and pledges and meanwhile God is doing His own thing… over there. He recently asked me to “be still and wait” but how do I balance that with this whole support raising thing (rhetorical question: I don’t expect an answer)? How much being still and waiting do I do and how much support raising do I do?
About the other stuff… maybe I should warn you now that I love to write and I’m definitely a talker. Sorry?
I received another coupon from eHarmony the other day and am strongly tempted to sign up. I have been praying about it but don’t feel as though any specific answer is forthcoming. I do feel that God asking me to “be still and wait” was to incorporate my entire life, not just support raising. I want to feel a peace about eHarmony before I sign up but the temptation is getting too strong and I will probably cave before I get any solid direction from God.
I realized this morning that I feel ashamed to be struggling with this marriage thing again/still. I’m ashamed to want marriage when it’s not even on the horizon, as if I should have figured out by now that it’s not for me and I am a fool to think otherwise. Somehow it’s been lodged in my head that there must be something wrong with me because no man wants me; I’m not sexy enough, smart enough, mysterious enough, feminine enough, strong enough, etc. In my head I know that I really just don’t understand that God loves me. I spent some time this morning looking up scripture about His love but it all seemed so impersonal, as though none of it was written for me, about me, to me.
I read a few chapters in “Passion and Purity” as well this morning and one thing Elliot wrote caught my eye, “My heart was saying, ‘Lord take away this longing or give me that for which I long.’ The Lord was answering, ‘I must teach you to long for something better.’” And then she quoted from Deut 8:3, “And He humbled you and let you be hungry, and fed you with manna which you did not know, nor did your father know, that He might make you understand that man does not live by bread alone, but man lives by everything that proceeds out of the mouth of the Lord.”
James 1:2 came to mind at one point this morning, “Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials.” I know my trials are not life-or-death but they are making me ask questions, “What is it I am seeking? What is it I want? What do I need?” These questions will help me strip down to the very core of my desires so I can see how much I need God and how satisfying - and true! - is His everlasting love for me.
So I am choosing to exult in these trials. I’ll still cry and struggle and feel anger and frustration but I know He’s working something deep down inside of me; I know that He is creating in me a pure hunger for the Bread of Life.
And now it sounds like I think I’m all cool and all that. It’s not true! I still have so much to struggle through. But I think just writing this letter has been a great way of processing all my thoughts and feelings. Thank you for reading. : )
About the other stuff… maybe I should warn you now that I love to write and I’m definitely a talker. Sorry?
I received another coupon from eHarmony the other day and am strongly tempted to sign up. I have been praying about it but don’t feel as though any specific answer is forthcoming. I do feel that God asking me to “be still and wait” was to incorporate my entire life, not just support raising. I want to feel a peace about eHarmony before I sign up but the temptation is getting too strong and I will probably cave before I get any solid direction from God.
I realized this morning that I feel ashamed to be struggling with this marriage thing again/still. I’m ashamed to want marriage when it’s not even on the horizon, as if I should have figured out by now that it’s not for me and I am a fool to think otherwise. Somehow it’s been lodged in my head that there must be something wrong with me because no man wants me; I’m not sexy enough, smart enough, mysterious enough, feminine enough, strong enough, etc. In my head I know that I really just don’t understand that God loves me. I spent some time this morning looking up scripture about His love but it all seemed so impersonal, as though none of it was written for me, about me, to me.
I read a few chapters in “Passion and Purity” as well this morning and one thing Elliot wrote caught my eye, “My heart was saying, ‘Lord take away this longing or give me that for which I long.’ The Lord was answering, ‘I must teach you to long for something better.’” And then she quoted from Deut 8:3, “And He humbled you and let you be hungry, and fed you with manna which you did not know, nor did your father know, that He might make you understand that man does not live by bread alone, but man lives by everything that proceeds out of the mouth of the Lord.”
James 1:2 came to mind at one point this morning, “Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials.” I know my trials are not life-or-death but they are making me ask questions, “What is it I am seeking? What is it I want? What do I need?” These questions will help me strip down to the very core of my desires so I can see how much I need God and how satisfying - and true! - is His everlasting love for me.
So I am choosing to exult in these trials. I’ll still cry and struggle and feel anger and frustration but I know He’s working something deep down inside of me; I know that He is creating in me a pure hunger for the Bread of Life.
And now it sounds like I think I’m all cool and all that. It’s not true! I still have so much to struggle through. But I think just writing this letter has been a great way of processing all my thoughts and feelings. Thank you for reading. : )
Monday, February 16, 2009
Be Still and Wait... Some More
I hate that I am so limited in my understanding that often, when God is doing something in my life, I totally take it the wrong way. He’s certainly teaching me wisdom but, man, I’m used to catching on a lot faster than this! And it’s not that I’m stupid but more likely that the lessons He’s teaching me are hard ones that will need to be learned over and over throughout my life and to greater depths at each learning.
Lately God has been revealing to me sin after sin after sin. At each revelation I develop an elaborate plan to tackle this newly revealed sin and eradicate it from my life. The next day He reveals something new and I’m like, “Really? Ok, how do we deal with this one?” And then the next day it’s still something else and I start to feel overwhelmed because I’m trying to remember to pray on my knees, love everyone, never get snappy, feed the poor, clothe the naked, surrender my desire to be married, pray more, fast from everything I like (coffee, wine, chocolate, ice cream, eating out, bathing… j/k) and, seriously, who wouldn’t be overwhelmed? Meanwhile I’m supposed to be working on my support but - hello! - who has time? I have to fix all my sins! I have to get rid of all these other distractions.
And, really, that’s all they are - distractions. I can conceive a million plans to “fix all my sins” but is that what God’s really asking of me? Is that really why He’s showing me these things? Am I really being faithful if I’m constantly being distracted from what’s been set before me?
Fund raising to join the team at YD Adventures is what’s been set before me. If all these other things are just distractions, why is God showing them to me?
I don’t know. But I have learned a few things lately.
When I lost my job at Bella Café I looked at what I had left to raise to reach my goal and thought, “Pshaw, that’s nothing. If I put my nose to the grindstone, I’ll be done by February.” So I did just that. And have as yet to raise a single penny from my own efforts. “Get to work,” I tell myself. “Be faithful,” I remind myself. But I haven’t had a single appointment in over a month!
I am closer to my goal but it’s trickling in and everything that’s come in thus far has had nothing to do with me and everything to do with God alone. Do you know how frustrating this is?? I’m not trying to be a jerk, I just wish some of MY efforts were paying off. I feel like all I’m doing is wasting my time!
The final straw came Thurs night at Bible study. All evening I’d been hearing God say, “Be still and wait…” and was contemplating whether or not “be still” and “wait” are ever found in the same verse when a friend asked me how I was doing on support ministry. I began to vent and worked myself up until I said, “I want to call up our support coach and tell her ‘IT’S NOT WORKING!!!!’” The capitals indicate that I was screaming. I heard other people in the room say, “Whoa!” and a few friends came out of the kitchen to check and make sure everything was ok. “Crap,” I thought to myself, “that was immature. Way to go, Raychel.” My friend began to talk while I brooded in self-pity but then I suddenly realized my friend had just said…
“… What did you just say?” I asked.
“Put me down for 100 a month. The Lord’s really put you on my heart and I think I need to be supporting you.” I just sat there, completely dazed.
“Is this what I get for throwing a temper tantrum?” I silently asked God. But I knew that was wrong. I was not being rewarded for screaming. This was probably the most humbling “support raising meeting” in all of history. God was being faithful in the midst of my doubting. He is steadfast and good and I am a sick little human whose efforts are futile. Everything comes from God.
I went home, got on e-Sword and did a search for “be still and wait”. I had it on the ESV version and found myself staring at Psalm 37:7, “Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him…” Then verse 8 goes on to say, “Refrain from anger and forsake wrath! Fret not yourself; it tends only to evil.”
Here is a choice set before me. I can choose to “be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him” or I can be all stressed out and take things into my own hands. The first choice is what God is asking of me. It’s difficult because I like tangible tasks producing tangible results and that’s not what support raising is yielding right now, but it’s what God is asking. The second choice is plain disobedience, which is the essence of sin. It will not yield the results I’m looking for and will probably cause me to harden my heart toward God.
I’m not stupid so I know which one I’ll choose.
My pastor spoke last week of “baby steps” toward the person we want to be or the things we want to get better at. What “baby steps” are required in being still and waiting? I think Psalm 37 provides that answer when it says, “Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness. Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust Him, and He will act.” vs3-5
What better direction do I need?
I still don’t know why He keeps showing me all the areas in which I sin but I do know that developing elaborate plans to “fix all my sins” is just me taking things into my own hands, no matter how Godly the façade I try to hide it under. Just be still before the Lord, Raychel, and wait patiently for Him. Trust Him. Commit your way to Him. Set your eyes on Him and allow Him to be the center.
That’s it. I seriously don’t know anything else, only what He’s asked me to do. Funny, it’s the same lesson He was teaching me a year ago… Be still and wait…
Lately God has been revealing to me sin after sin after sin. At each revelation I develop an elaborate plan to tackle this newly revealed sin and eradicate it from my life. The next day He reveals something new and I’m like, “Really? Ok, how do we deal with this one?” And then the next day it’s still something else and I start to feel overwhelmed because I’m trying to remember to pray on my knees, love everyone, never get snappy, feed the poor, clothe the naked, surrender my desire to be married, pray more, fast from everything I like (coffee, wine, chocolate, ice cream, eating out, bathing… j/k) and, seriously, who wouldn’t be overwhelmed? Meanwhile I’m supposed to be working on my support but - hello! - who has time? I have to fix all my sins! I have to get rid of all these other distractions.
And, really, that’s all they are - distractions. I can conceive a million plans to “fix all my sins” but is that what God’s really asking of me? Is that really why He’s showing me these things? Am I really being faithful if I’m constantly being distracted from what’s been set before me?
Fund raising to join the team at YD Adventures is what’s been set before me. If all these other things are just distractions, why is God showing them to me?
I don’t know. But I have learned a few things lately.
When I lost my job at Bella Café I looked at what I had left to raise to reach my goal and thought, “Pshaw, that’s nothing. If I put my nose to the grindstone, I’ll be done by February.” So I did just that. And have as yet to raise a single penny from my own efforts. “Get to work,” I tell myself. “Be faithful,” I remind myself. But I haven’t had a single appointment in over a month!
I am closer to my goal but it’s trickling in and everything that’s come in thus far has had nothing to do with me and everything to do with God alone. Do you know how frustrating this is?? I’m not trying to be a jerk, I just wish some of MY efforts were paying off. I feel like all I’m doing is wasting my time!
The final straw came Thurs night at Bible study. All evening I’d been hearing God say, “Be still and wait…” and was contemplating whether or not “be still” and “wait” are ever found in the same verse when a friend asked me how I was doing on support ministry. I began to vent and worked myself up until I said, “I want to call up our support coach and tell her ‘IT’S NOT WORKING!!!!’” The capitals indicate that I was screaming. I heard other people in the room say, “Whoa!” and a few friends came out of the kitchen to check and make sure everything was ok. “Crap,” I thought to myself, “that was immature. Way to go, Raychel.” My friend began to talk while I brooded in self-pity but then I suddenly realized my friend had just said…
“… What did you just say?” I asked.
“Put me down for 100 a month. The Lord’s really put you on my heart and I think I need to be supporting you.” I just sat there, completely dazed.
“Is this what I get for throwing a temper tantrum?” I silently asked God. But I knew that was wrong. I was not being rewarded for screaming. This was probably the most humbling “support raising meeting” in all of history. God was being faithful in the midst of my doubting. He is steadfast and good and I am a sick little human whose efforts are futile. Everything comes from God.
I went home, got on e-Sword and did a search for “be still and wait”. I had it on the ESV version and found myself staring at Psalm 37:7, “Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him…” Then verse 8 goes on to say, “Refrain from anger and forsake wrath! Fret not yourself; it tends only to evil.”
Here is a choice set before me. I can choose to “be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him” or I can be all stressed out and take things into my own hands. The first choice is what God is asking of me. It’s difficult because I like tangible tasks producing tangible results and that’s not what support raising is yielding right now, but it’s what God is asking. The second choice is plain disobedience, which is the essence of sin. It will not yield the results I’m looking for and will probably cause me to harden my heart toward God.
I’m not stupid so I know which one I’ll choose.
My pastor spoke last week of “baby steps” toward the person we want to be or the things we want to get better at. What “baby steps” are required in being still and waiting? I think Psalm 37 provides that answer when it says, “Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness. Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust Him, and He will act.” vs3-5
What better direction do I need?
I still don’t know why He keeps showing me all the areas in which I sin but I do know that developing elaborate plans to “fix all my sins” is just me taking things into my own hands, no matter how Godly the façade I try to hide it under. Just be still before the Lord, Raychel, and wait patiently for Him. Trust Him. Commit your way to Him. Set your eyes on Him and allow Him to be the center.
That’s it. I seriously don’t know anything else, only what He’s asked me to do. Funny, it’s the same lesson He was teaching me a year ago… Be still and wait…
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Recipe: Berry Tapioca
I'm trying something new; I just discovered that facebook imports blogs. Yeah! So I'm writing this and hoping it'll show up on facebook.
Berry Tapioca
2 cups water (split)
16 oz of berries or other fruit (I just used a bag of mixed frozen berries)
1/4 cup tapioca pearls
1/2 cup sugar (I just tried a mix of maple syrup and sugar: 1/4 cup syrup, 1/8 cup sugar)
1 tbsp vanilla
Soak 1/4 cup tapioca pearls in 1/4 cup water for about 10 minutes
Boil the remaining water (1 and 3/4 cups) in a medium-sized pot
Add berries to boiling water and bring to a boil again
Add soaked tapioca pearls
Add sugar and vanilla
Allow to simmer, stirring somewhat frequently, until tapioca pearls are clear. Add more sugar if you don't think it's sweet enough.
It's good hot or cold, on brownies or ice cream, all by itself, or with granola.
Berry Tapioca
2 cups water (split)
16 oz of berries or other fruit (I just used a bag of mixed frozen berries)
1/4 cup tapioca pearls
1/2 cup sugar (I just tried a mix of maple syrup and sugar: 1/4 cup syrup, 1/8 cup sugar)
1 tbsp vanilla
Soak 1/4 cup tapioca pearls in 1/4 cup water for about 10 minutes
Boil the remaining water (1 and 3/4 cups) in a medium-sized pot
Add berries to boiling water and bring to a boil again
Add soaked tapioca pearls
Add sugar and vanilla
Allow to simmer, stirring somewhat frequently, until tapioca pearls are clear. Add more sugar if you don't think it's sweet enough.
It's good hot or cold, on brownies or ice cream, all by itself, or with granola.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
The Storm Brewing
So, I’ve been laid off from my job (as of a week ago Sat), and apparently perfect timing, too. This week has been incredibly busy; nearly every minute has been scheduled. It’s all been fun stuff so I don’t mind. But there’s another reason I feel as though losing my job has been one of the best things to happen to me in a long time.
Ever since beginning my job at Bella Café I have had to squeeze my devotional time in wherever I could get it. Often that meant 15-30 minutes with my Bible and journal open but, if I forgot myself and took too long, I’d be late for something important. Thus I spent my God-times spastically watching the time. A couple weeks ago I began to realize that my time spent with God was no longer satisfying. It was just empty time spent reading my Bible - much like reading your history or chemistry text for school - and chronicling my life in my journal (“today I hope so-and-so comes in to get coffee cuz he’s cute”. (Ugh, gag me!))
I missed God. I missed the connection I used to have with him during my devotions which left me feeling challenged and excited throughout the day. I missed the camaraderie between us and the thrilling insights He used to share with me. Seriously, even the convicting insights were great cuz at least it was Him and I tackling something together so I could grow closer to Him. I haven’t had that in months and I could feel the spirit inside me growing numb and distant.
When I sensed this “lack of God-ness” in my life I began searching for the reasons why. I didn’t have much time to pursue my answers but a few thoughts were floating hazily around in my mind. I decided I needed to make sure my devotions were spent in my bedroom so I was not distracted by customers (cute boys). I decided I needed to focus more on what God was saying and less on what time it was. I decided I needed to be more disciplined while meditating on scripture (I had lost any skills I had at meditation. I would try to meditate and find myself, instead, dwelling on whether or not I wanted a latte that day or which earrings I was going to wear or - OMG! Is that a split end?. (Seriously, gag me!)) Last, I realized that, although I was surrounded by people, I was sharing my life with no one. I have begun (again?) to discover how valuable community is and being able to share my faith. I have been involved in youth group and a bible study but, although we talk about Jesus, we never discuss what Jesus is doing in our lives.
I tell you these things only so you know that this storm has been brewing for awhile. I sensed it. I would sit on my bed Sunday mornings (the only day time was not an issue) and ask God, “What is going on? Are you supposed to be this silent right now? Have I done something wrong? Is that a split end?” The parts of me that weren’t focused on my hair seemed to be saying, “You’re seeking; that’s good. He won’t be silent forever. Wait for the Lord, Raychel, just wait. He won’t always be silent.”
So here’s the order of events God set in motion: The staff at YD Adventures received a Christmas gift from our resident pastor, a book called “The Calvary Road”; I began recognizing that my spiritual life was becoming dry; YD staff began discussing getting together for lunches once a week again; Bella announced they were selling and employees were getting laid off; YD announced we were reading “The Calvary Road” and discussing the book Weds over lunch. All this in the span of a month.
I love to read and I really love studying a book with friends. Still, instead of being excited about “The Calvary Road” I began to resent the fact that we had to do homework in order to hang out with our coworkers. I felt like I didn’t have time to add another book into my schedule and who are they to tell me I have to, anyway?? The feelings I had were similar to the last Bible study I was at when a friend suggested we pray for each other and my reaction was, “I do not want to pray out loud. Why am I always being coerced into this situation? Who has time for this crap, anyway? Is that a split end??”
I knew then that there was something seriously wrong with my attitude and I sensed that, circumstantially, “The Calvary Road” was coming into my life with perfect timing. Still, by the time Wednesday morning showed up, I reluctantly dragged the book open to chapter 1. My first goal was to criticize Ron Hession’s theology harshly, my second to find nothing of personal value within the book’s pages. I was angry and resentful and resistant.
“It is always self who gets irritable and envious and resentful and critical and worried,” Ron Hession told me. This was not starting well at all.
I was sitting on my bed in my room and began to sense that my neck felt very stiff and unyielding. “Then it is we can stiffen our necks and refuse to repent, or we can bow the head and say, ‘Yes, Lord,’” I read.
What the heck? I thought. So I read that part again:
“Being broken is both God’s work and ours. He brings His pressure to bear, but we have to make the choice. If we are really open to conviction as we seek fellowship with God (and willingness for the light is the prime condition of fellowship with God), God will show us the expressions of this proud, hard self that cause Him pain. Then it is we can stiffen our necks and refuse to repent, or we can bow the head and say, ‘Yes, Lord.’ Brokenness in daily experience is simply the response of humility to the conviction of God.”
Have you ever sat and watched a really good storm brew? I remember a trip this past summer, we’d just gotten off the river and were entertaining the group while the shuttle was run. Suddenly we realized the sun had been snuffed out and the temperature had dropped 10 degrees. We looked up to find that the clouds that had hovered on the horizon all day had finally caught up to us. Lightening flashed in the distance and there was a sudden sense of urgency. Some students couldn’t wait for the vehicles to show up because they were getting cold. Some embraced the coming of the storm and hoped the lightening would keep flashing, closer and closer. YD staff wanted to get back to camp and dry gear before the full fury of the storm hit, so we could get back to our families and beds at a decent hour.
I sat on my bed and read the first two chapters of “The Calvary Road” and felt the clouds catching up, the sun snuffed, and the temperature dropping. I sensed the coming of the storm. The resentment was still there, the anger, frustration, dissatisfaction, but also a sense that relief was at hand. Something was happening. Something inside me was finally catching up to something outside of me.
To be continued…
Ever since beginning my job at Bella Café I have had to squeeze my devotional time in wherever I could get it. Often that meant 15-30 minutes with my Bible and journal open but, if I forgot myself and took too long, I’d be late for something important. Thus I spent my God-times spastically watching the time. A couple weeks ago I began to realize that my time spent with God was no longer satisfying. It was just empty time spent reading my Bible - much like reading your history or chemistry text for school - and chronicling my life in my journal (“today I hope so-and-so comes in to get coffee cuz he’s cute”. (Ugh, gag me!))
I missed God. I missed the connection I used to have with him during my devotions which left me feeling challenged and excited throughout the day. I missed the camaraderie between us and the thrilling insights He used to share with me. Seriously, even the convicting insights were great cuz at least it was Him and I tackling something together so I could grow closer to Him. I haven’t had that in months and I could feel the spirit inside me growing numb and distant.
When I sensed this “lack of God-ness” in my life I began searching for the reasons why. I didn’t have much time to pursue my answers but a few thoughts were floating hazily around in my mind. I decided I needed to make sure my devotions were spent in my bedroom so I was not distracted by customers (cute boys). I decided I needed to focus more on what God was saying and less on what time it was. I decided I needed to be more disciplined while meditating on scripture (I had lost any skills I had at meditation. I would try to meditate and find myself, instead, dwelling on whether or not I wanted a latte that day or which earrings I was going to wear or - OMG! Is that a split end?. (Seriously, gag me!)) Last, I realized that, although I was surrounded by people, I was sharing my life with no one. I have begun (again?) to discover how valuable community is and being able to share my faith. I have been involved in youth group and a bible study but, although we talk about Jesus, we never discuss what Jesus is doing in our lives.
I tell you these things only so you know that this storm has been brewing for awhile. I sensed it. I would sit on my bed Sunday mornings (the only day time was not an issue) and ask God, “What is going on? Are you supposed to be this silent right now? Have I done something wrong? Is that a split end?” The parts of me that weren’t focused on my hair seemed to be saying, “You’re seeking; that’s good. He won’t be silent forever. Wait for the Lord, Raychel, just wait. He won’t always be silent.”
So here’s the order of events God set in motion: The staff at YD Adventures received a Christmas gift from our resident pastor, a book called “The Calvary Road”; I began recognizing that my spiritual life was becoming dry; YD staff began discussing getting together for lunches once a week again; Bella announced they were selling and employees were getting laid off; YD announced we were reading “The Calvary Road” and discussing the book Weds over lunch. All this in the span of a month.
I love to read and I really love studying a book with friends. Still, instead of being excited about “The Calvary Road” I began to resent the fact that we had to do homework in order to hang out with our coworkers. I felt like I didn’t have time to add another book into my schedule and who are they to tell me I have to, anyway?? The feelings I had were similar to the last Bible study I was at when a friend suggested we pray for each other and my reaction was, “I do not want to pray out loud. Why am I always being coerced into this situation? Who has time for this crap, anyway? Is that a split end??”
I knew then that there was something seriously wrong with my attitude and I sensed that, circumstantially, “The Calvary Road” was coming into my life with perfect timing. Still, by the time Wednesday morning showed up, I reluctantly dragged the book open to chapter 1. My first goal was to criticize Ron Hession’s theology harshly, my second to find nothing of personal value within the book’s pages. I was angry and resentful and resistant.
“It is always self who gets irritable and envious and resentful and critical and worried,” Ron Hession told me. This was not starting well at all.
I was sitting on my bed in my room and began to sense that my neck felt very stiff and unyielding. “Then it is we can stiffen our necks and refuse to repent, or we can bow the head and say, ‘Yes, Lord,’” I read.
What the heck? I thought. So I read that part again:
“Being broken is both God’s work and ours. He brings His pressure to bear, but we have to make the choice. If we are really open to conviction as we seek fellowship with God (and willingness for the light is the prime condition of fellowship with God), God will show us the expressions of this proud, hard self that cause Him pain. Then it is we can stiffen our necks and refuse to repent, or we can bow the head and say, ‘Yes, Lord.’ Brokenness in daily experience is simply the response of humility to the conviction of God.”
Have you ever sat and watched a really good storm brew? I remember a trip this past summer, we’d just gotten off the river and were entertaining the group while the shuttle was run. Suddenly we realized the sun had been snuffed out and the temperature had dropped 10 degrees. We looked up to find that the clouds that had hovered on the horizon all day had finally caught up to us. Lightening flashed in the distance and there was a sudden sense of urgency. Some students couldn’t wait for the vehicles to show up because they were getting cold. Some embraced the coming of the storm and hoped the lightening would keep flashing, closer and closer. YD staff wanted to get back to camp and dry gear before the full fury of the storm hit, so we could get back to our families and beds at a decent hour.
I sat on my bed and read the first two chapters of “The Calvary Road” and felt the clouds catching up, the sun snuffed, and the temperature dropping. I sensed the coming of the storm. The resentment was still there, the anger, frustration, dissatisfaction, but also a sense that relief was at hand. Something was happening. Something inside me was finally catching up to something outside of me.
To be continued…
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