Lonely

I woke up this morning and realized that I am really lonely. It is at times like this that my singleness seems to become a suffocating burden. I laid in bed and talked to God, telling Him that I am just too lonely. I told Him that I feel as though He will withhold marriage until I have mastered this overbearing feeling of loneliness. He knows, however, that I cannot master this. What is the point of being so lonely?

“Why are you in despair, O my soul? And why have you become disturbed within me?” Psalm 42:5a

I’m around people all the time. Really I’m quite social but superficial society is not something that appeases my loneliness. If someone asks how I am I’m quite willing to be vulnerable but it’s usually at that moment that someone else walks in and the conversation is side-tracked. There’s no opportunity for depth in these situations.

The people I spend time with expect vulnerability from me but I can’t just sit down and pour my heart out just like that. I need a chance to warm up. I need some encouragement. I don’t actually think my struggles are important to other people so I have to get used to the thought that they actually do care before I can open up.

The part that baffles me the most is that, when I finally realize that I need company, everyone disappears. This never fails to happen. Friends will always tell you, “I’ll be there whenever you need me,” but it’s never really true; I can’t actually expect anyone to be there for me. I try calling and emailing but everyone’s busy.

Really I’m too picky. There are few people I’m willing to take this loneliness to. With most people I fear being a burden. With others I’m afraid of being misunderstood.

God, I’m lonely. For someone who seeks solitude, this is really confusing. How do I get out?

“Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him for the help of His presence.” Psalm 42:5b

I reach out to God but He’s not a magician who just fixes my problems. I reach out to Him and still I feel lonely. Then I feel like I must be doing something wrong. This is challenging to my faith. Where is God?

“I will say to God my rock, ‘Why have You forgotten me? Why do I go mourning because of the oppression of the enemy?’ ” Psalm 42:9

What struggle is this? Is it Satan whispering “lonely” into my ear, trying to make me believe I am alone? Is it Satan who is trying to keep me in the dark? Trying to keep alone so I cannot be supported by the body of Christ? I can hide in this darkness and continue in despair and be led toward sin or I can seek the light and see God be glorified (John 3:19-21).

“O send out Your light and Your truth, let them lead me; let them bring me to Your holy hill, and to Your dwelling places. Then I will go to the alter of God, to my exceeding joy; and upon the lyre I will praise You, O God, my God.” Psalm 42:3-4