Lonely: An Invitation

I felt loneliness slip over me like a too-small frock; it made me feel tight, trapped, inhibited. I had done something stupid again. What a loser! What an idiot! Am I destined always to push others away? Am I such a jerk, such a coward? Will no one ever know me as the person I long to be?

I railed against my cage, screamed to be heard. This is not who I am! Listen! Please listen! Yet what does it matter who listens? Loneliness is not caused by a lack of listeners but by the inability to know myself, share that intimacy with others and, in turn, know them. I am misunderstood because I cannot understand; lost in a darkness created by my own blindness.

Yet the Bible clearly says, “Even the darkness is not dark to You, and the night is as bright as the day. Darkness and light are alike to You. (Psalm 139:12)” So at least there is One who can see into my darkness, One who knows me.

The other day I realized that if I have given all of me to my God, then He owns even my loneliness. Doesn’t that mean my loneliness is shared? At that point, it becomes a little less lonely. And lest I think I am entirely misunderstood, I need only stretch my mind as far as my Bible, and remember how alone Jesus was as He walked the path to Calvary with the blood-stained cross upon His shoulders. No one stuck by Him; no one knew Him; no one wanted to be known by Him. Even God abandoned Him. It was the loneliest moment in all of history.

I knelt down and I stretched out my hand. It did not touch flesh but, instead, found my guitar. With that I can play music; I can worship the One who walked the loneliest road, and triumphed over darkness so I can forever be united to my Father. Loneliness, after all, is a call to worship, an invitation to seek the Creator’s heart in order to know my own. I can offer up my loneliness, this too-small frock and, in exchange, receive a well-fitted garment with plenty of room to breathe, grow, and live.

As the new garment settles over me, the panic subsides. The darkness fades and the light reveals that the cage I rail against is not even locked; I can leave as I please. Now it is up to me. Will I embrace the freedom offered me as a child of God or will I waste my life in a cage? Will I hide myself behind the loneliness or will I allow Him to use it to show me myself, so I can be known and, in turn, know?

“Search me, O God, and know my heart; try me and know my anxious thoughts; and see if there be any hurtful way in me, and lead me in the everlasting way.” Psalm 139:23-24

Lonely

I woke up this morning and realized that I am really lonely. It is at times like this that my singleness seems to become a suffocating burden. I laid in bed and talked to God, telling Him that I am just too lonely. I told Him that I feel as though He will withhold marriage until I have mastered this overbearing feeling of loneliness. He knows, however, that I cannot master this. What is the point of being so lonely?

“Why are you in despair, O my soul? And why have you become disturbed within me?” Psalm 42:5a

I’m around people all the time. Really I’m quite social but superficial society is not something that appeases my loneliness. If someone asks how I am I’m quite willing to be vulnerable but it’s usually at that moment that someone else walks in and the conversation is side-tracked. There’s no opportunity for depth in these situations.

The people I spend time with expect vulnerability from me but I can’t just sit down and pour my heart out just like that. I need a chance to warm up. I need some encouragement. I don’t actually think my struggles are important to other people so I have to get used to the thought that they actually do care before I can open up.

The part that baffles me the most is that, when I finally realize that I need company, everyone disappears. This never fails to happen. Friends will always tell you, “I’ll be there whenever you need me,” but it’s never really true; I can’t actually expect anyone to be there for me. I try calling and emailing but everyone’s busy.

Really I’m too picky. There are few people I’m willing to take this loneliness to. With most people I fear being a burden. With others I’m afraid of being misunderstood.

God, I’m lonely. For someone who seeks solitude, this is really confusing. How do I get out?

“Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him for the help of His presence.” Psalm 42:5b

I reach out to God but He’s not a magician who just fixes my problems. I reach out to Him and still I feel lonely. Then I feel like I must be doing something wrong. This is challenging to my faith. Where is God?

“I will say to God my rock, ‘Why have You forgotten me? Why do I go mourning because of the oppression of the enemy?’ ” Psalm 42:9

What struggle is this? Is it Satan whispering “lonely” into my ear, trying to make me believe I am alone? Is it Satan who is trying to keep me in the dark? Trying to keep alone so I cannot be supported by the body of Christ? I can hide in this darkness and continue in despair and be led toward sin or I can seek the light and see God be glorified (John 3:19-21).

“O send out Your light and Your truth, let them lead me; let them bring me to Your holy hill, and to Your dwelling places. Then I will go to the alter of God, to my exceeding joy; and upon the lyre I will praise You, O God, my God.” Psalm 42:3-4