Be Still and Wait... Some More

I hate that I am so limited in my understanding that often, when God is doing something in my life, I totally take it the wrong way. He’s certainly teaching me wisdom but, man, I’m used to catching on a lot faster than this! And it’s not that I’m stupid but more likely that the lessons He’s teaching me are hard ones that will need to be learned over and over throughout my life and to greater depths at each learning.

Lately God has been revealing to me sin after sin after sin. At each revelation I develop an elaborate plan to tackle this newly revealed sin and eradicate it from my life. The next day He reveals something new and I’m like, “Really? Ok, how do we deal with this one?” And then the next day it’s still something else and I start to feel overwhelmed because I’m trying to remember to pray on my knees, love everyone, never get snappy, feed the poor, clothe the naked, surrender my desire to be married, pray more, fast from everything I like (coffee, wine, chocolate, ice cream, eating out, bathing… j/k) and, seriously, who wouldn’t be overwhelmed? Meanwhile I’m supposed to be working on my support but - hello! - who has time? I have to fix all my sins! I have to get rid of all these other distractions.

And, really, that’s all they are - distractions. I can conceive a million plans to “fix all my sins” but is that what God’s really asking of me? Is that really why He’s showing me these things? Am I really being faithful if I’m constantly being distracted from what’s been set before me?

Fund raising to join the team at YD Adventures is what’s been set before me. If all these other things are just distractions, why is God showing them to me?

I don’t know. But I have learned a few things lately.

When I lost my job at Bella Café I looked at what I had left to raise to reach my goal and thought, “Pshaw, that’s nothing. If I put my nose to the grindstone, I’ll be done by February.” So I did just that. And have as yet to raise a single penny from my own efforts. “Get to work,” I tell myself. “Be faithful,” I remind myself. But I haven’t had a single appointment in over a month!

I am closer to my goal but it’s trickling in and everything that’s come in thus far has had nothing to do with me and everything to do with God alone. Do you know how frustrating this is?? I’m not trying to be a jerk, I just wish some of MY efforts were paying off. I feel like all I’m doing is wasting my time!

The final straw came Thurs night at Bible study. All evening I’d been hearing God say, “Be still and wait…” and was contemplating whether or not “be still” and “wait” are ever found in the same verse when a friend asked me how I was doing on support ministry. I began to vent and worked myself up until I said, “I want to call up our support coach and tell her ‘IT’S NOT WORKING!!!!’” The capitals indicate that I was screaming. I heard other people in the room say, “Whoa!” and a few friends came out of the kitchen to check and make sure everything was ok. “Crap,” I thought to myself, “that was immature. Way to go, Raychel.” My friend began to talk while I brooded in self-pity but then I suddenly realized my friend had just said…

“… What did you just say?” I asked.

“Put me down for 100 a month. The Lord’s really put you on my heart and I think I need to be supporting you.” I just sat there, completely dazed.

“Is this what I get for throwing a temper tantrum?” I silently asked God. But I knew that was wrong. I was not being rewarded for screaming. This was probably the most humbling “support raising meeting” in all of history. God was being faithful in the midst of my doubting. He is steadfast and good and I am a sick little human whose efforts are futile. Everything comes from God.

I went home, got on e-Sword and did a search for “be still and wait”. I had it on the ESV version and found myself staring at Psalm 37:7, “Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him…” Then verse 8 goes on to say, “Refrain from anger and forsake wrath! Fret not yourself; it tends only to evil.”

Here is a choice set before me. I can choose to “be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him” or I can be all stressed out and take things into my own hands. The first choice is what God is asking of me. It’s difficult because I like tangible tasks producing tangible results and that’s not what support raising is yielding right now, but it’s what God is asking. The second choice is plain disobedience, which is the essence of sin. It will not yield the results I’m looking for and will probably cause me to harden my heart toward God.

I’m not stupid so I know which one I’ll choose.

My pastor spoke last week of “baby steps” toward the person we want to be or the things we want to get better at. What “baby steps” are required in being still and waiting? I think Psalm 37 provides that answer when it says, “Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness. Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust Him, and He will act.” vs3-5

What better direction do I need?

I still don’t know why He keeps showing me all the areas in which I sin but I do know that developing elaborate plans to “fix all my sins” is just me taking things into my own hands, no matter how Godly the façade I try to hide it under. Just be still before the Lord, Raychel, and wait patiently for Him. Trust Him. Commit your way to Him. Set your eyes on Him and allow Him to be the center.

That’s it. I seriously don’t know anything else, only what He’s asked me to do. Funny, it’s the same lesson He was teaching me a year ago… Be still and wait…