I woke up this morning and realized that I am really lonely. It is at times like this that my singleness seems to become a suffocating burden. I laid in bed and talked to God, telling Him that I am just too lonely. I told Him that I feel as though He will withhold marriage until I have mastered this overbearing feeling of loneliness. He knows, however, that I cannot master this. What is the point of being so lonely?
“Why are you in despair, O my soul? And why have you become disturbed within me?” Psalm 42:5a
I’m around people all the time. Really I’m quite social but superficial society is not something that appeases my loneliness. If someone asks how I am I’m quite willing to be vulnerable but it’s usually at that moment that someone else walks in and the conversation is side-tracked. There’s no opportunity for depth in these situations.
The people I spend time with expect vulnerability from me but I can’t just sit down and pour my heart out just like that. I need a chance to warm up. I need some encouragement. I don’t actually think my struggles are important to other people so I have to get used to the thought that they actually do care before I can open up.
The part that baffles me the most is that, when I finally realize that I need company, everyone disappears. This never fails to happen. Friends will always tell you, “I’ll be there whenever you need me,” but it’s never really true; I can’t actually expect anyone to be there for me. I try calling and emailing but everyone’s busy.
Really I’m too picky. There are few people I’m willing to take this loneliness to. With most people I fear being a burden. With others I’m afraid of being misunderstood.
God, I’m lonely. For someone who seeks solitude, this is really confusing. How do I get out?
“Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him for the help of His presence.” Psalm 42:5b
I reach out to God but He’s not a magician who just fixes my problems. I reach out to Him and still I feel lonely. Then I feel like I must be doing something wrong. This is challenging to my faith. Where is God?
“I will say to God my rock, ‘Why have You forgotten me? Why do I go mourning because of the oppression of the enemy?’ ” Psalm 42:9
What struggle is this? Is it Satan whispering “lonely” into my ear, trying to make me believe I am alone? Is it Satan who is trying to keep me in the dark? Trying to keep alone so I cannot be supported by the body of Christ? I can hide in this darkness and continue in despair and be led toward sin or I can seek the light and see God be glorified (John 3:19-21).
“O send out Your light and Your truth, let them lead me; let them bring me to Your holy hill, and to Your dwelling places. Then I will go to the alter of God, to my exceeding joy; and upon the lyre I will praise You, O God, my God.” Psalm 42:3-4
2 comments:
I have given Jesus my life and, even though I don’t do it perfectly, I look to Him for everything. What I’m beginning to recognize, what I think He’s showing me right now, is that He has manifested Himself here on earth as the body of Christ. If I need arms to hold me or eyes to look into or a voice to listen to or someone to cry with, He has provided that in the people who have given their lives to Him. My struggle is not digging into the word or praying when things get rough; my struggle is bringing that pain to other people and being vulnerable with them; my struggle is letting Jesus be flesh and blood to me in the form of fellow believers. God said, “It is not good for man to be alone.” We need people; we need the body of Christ. And the body of Christ needs to step up and be Jesus to people.
I’m not looking for one person to be the body of Christ to me (unless that one person is Jesus, obviously…). I will never seek completion in one person, whether friend or husband. The loneliest time of my life happened while I was in relationship with a man so I know relationships never fully satisfy. I also know that the body of Christ will let me down; it is made up of fallible human beings (like me) who react out of anger, jealousy, impatience, etc. What I need to remember while digging into these relationships is that I have to be the body of Christ as well, and Christ reacts to our sin with grace and forgiveness.
My point is that I must learn to accept the body of Christ as Jesus while also learning to be part of the body of Christ. ... Read More
Listen to me! I say “I must” as though this has anything to do with my capacity to browbeat myself into learning this stuff. I do believe I need to learn this and I do believe it will take time and work but I also believe the Holy Spirit is living inside me, guiding me and teaching me. Somehow, through all the tears and the loneliness, God will be glorified. How could it be otherwise? He is worthy of all glory and praise and honor!
I'm sorry for your loneliness! Although I think all your thoughts and questions are perfect! I'm glad you aren't letting yourself believe that you have to "master" anything until God brings you someone.
On the other hand (and I know this won't help), enjoy the undistracted time with God. I love my husband and being married and wouldn't trade it, but miss those desperate moments with God.
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