"Oh Lord, You have searched me and known me." Psalm 139:1
Today I invited God to see the rotten core inside me...
...and He told me He loves me.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Friday, February 27, 2009
From My Journal
“Oh Lord, You have searched me and known.” Psalm 139:1
During yesterday’s lectio divina I heard God speak through this verse about the intimacy He and I have with one another. Through this verse today He spoke to me of the Holy Spirit; I was reaching inside myself to hear Him and I thought, “Why would I do that? Where is God?” I remembered the Holy Spirit and then Romans 8:26-27 came to mind.
Lord, I am kneeling here wondering how I could give You my life then snatch it back; how could I give You my life then build walls so You can’t have it? When I try to do this lectio, when I try to be quiet before You, I sense those walls. And even though I built them, I am powerless to knock them down. I can do nothing; You must do it.
So I give You my walls.
During yesterday’s lectio divina I heard God speak through this verse about the intimacy He and I have with one another. Through this verse today He spoke to me of the Holy Spirit; I was reaching inside myself to hear Him and I thought, “Why would I do that? Where is God?” I remembered the Holy Spirit and then Romans 8:26-27 came to mind.
Lord, I am kneeling here wondering how I could give You my life then snatch it back; how could I give You my life then build walls so You can’t have it? When I try to do this lectio, when I try to be quiet before You, I sense those walls. And even though I built them, I am powerless to knock them down. I can do nothing; You must do it.
So I give You my walls.
Monday, February 23, 2009
My BMI
A week ago Monday I showed up at the gym to get my Body Mass Index (BMI) officially measured. It was costing me $10 but the results would finally put my mind at ease and so was worth it. You see, over a year ago I signed up with a website called http://www.calledsparkpeople.com/ to track my calories consumed while eating and burned while exercising to see if I could lose the weight that I felt was plaguing me. Spark people suggested that people of my height should weigh anywhere from 100-130 lbs. At the time I weighed 155 lbs and felt that 135 was a plausible goal.
And so I began the hard work of tracking every morsel of food that went in my mouth and every step I took in cardio exercise. I added lifting weights to my exercise repertoire and measured my hips, waste, and neck so I could track the inches I lost (because muscle weighs more than fat so weight is not always a good indication of how your health is increasing). I began to add more fruits, vegetables, and whole grains to my diet and controlled my portions a lot better (like eating 2 cookies instead of 16).
I swear the first 10 lbs melted off like butter; it was exciting and fun and I felt skinny and sexy. The next 5 were a little bit more difficult (cuz I moved from a house with no junk food to a house with girls who can bake some darn good cookies). The last 5 were pretty much impossible and then summer started and I didn’t want to bother with trying to lose weight, doing outdoor adventure stuff, and working with teenagers all at once so the weight loss was put on hold.
As summer came to a close I found that I had only gained 2 lbs. I was excited to get back to work and lose the last 7 lbs to finally reach my goal weight.
But weeks, and then months went by and that last 7 lbs has proven to be very stubborn. I tried hard to cut back on what I was eating but every time I did I found I was hungry. Really, 7 lbs is not worth being hungry and cranky for and anyway I don’t really think going hungry in order to lose a few pounds is all that smart.
My friends have been telling me I look great and have gone so far as to say that if I lost any more weight I would be too skinny (to which I still must respond, “Yeah, right.”). My feelings have been mixed: am I not trying hard enough to get these last lbs off or is 135 lbs an unreasonable goal for me? I finally decided to get my BMI measured and answer the question that way.
When I say I got my BMI measured I am saying that a professional did a test to figure out how much of my body was made up of fat. About 5 years ago I had the skin fold test done and my trainer told me I was 30% fat (which is considered obese). At Club Fit they use the Bioelectric Impedance method, which is not nearly as painful as it sounds. It’s a picky test so I couldn’t eat or drink beforehand but still had to be hydrated, had to be well-rested, couldn’t work out before hand and had to take off all my jewelry. Claire, the nice trainer girl who was helping me, put some sort of magnetic strip things on my hands and feet and then sent an electric current through my body. The machine measured how long it took for the current to get from one end to the other and then spit out a number. We took that number back to the computer, entered it along with my height, gender, and weight, and out popped my body fat percentage.
As we did all this, Claire was telling me about the program and explaining that my results would be saved in the computer so I could be tested again in the future and compare the results with the ones from today to see how much fat I’d… “Oh, you’re 20.9% fat. That’s really good. Healthy body fat for women ranges from 18% to 25%.” She seemed surprised by the results. I was surprised by the results!
I was so surprised by the results, I walked back to the locker room and cried. I was sure I would measure between 26 and 29%. And to think I was feeling like such a failure for not getting that last 7 lbs off!
It’s been a week now and I’m still processing these results. I’ve heard many people throughout my life say that those weight charts weren’t accurate for everyone but I thought they were just trying to find excuses. I just looked up one of those weight charts and it told me I should weigh between 99 and 121 lbs. Could you imagine me at 99 lbs?! I guess my bone structure really is that different, and I’m not just trying to find excuses for my size!
But everyday I have the nagging worry that Claire did something wrong or I was dehydrated or my stomach wasn’t empty enough or something else happened to mess with the results and that I really am still over weight.
My whole life I have lived in hopes that I was not the girl who didn’t fit into the weight charts. I wanted to lose weight and be slim and pretty. Now I don’t care; now I just wish no one had created a mold that we all had to force ourselves into. I’m healthy! What more can I ask for? Yet it’s going to take a long time to actually believe it. I’m so used to seeing myself as the chubby girl.
And so I began the hard work of tracking every morsel of food that went in my mouth and every step I took in cardio exercise. I added lifting weights to my exercise repertoire and measured my hips, waste, and neck so I could track the inches I lost (because muscle weighs more than fat so weight is not always a good indication of how your health is increasing). I began to add more fruits, vegetables, and whole grains to my diet and controlled my portions a lot better (like eating 2 cookies instead of 16).
I swear the first 10 lbs melted off like butter; it was exciting and fun and I felt skinny and sexy. The next 5 were a little bit more difficult (cuz I moved from a house with no junk food to a house with girls who can bake some darn good cookies). The last 5 were pretty much impossible and then summer started and I didn’t want to bother with trying to lose weight, doing outdoor adventure stuff, and working with teenagers all at once so the weight loss was put on hold.
As summer came to a close I found that I had only gained 2 lbs. I was excited to get back to work and lose the last 7 lbs to finally reach my goal weight.
But weeks, and then months went by and that last 7 lbs has proven to be very stubborn. I tried hard to cut back on what I was eating but every time I did I found I was hungry. Really, 7 lbs is not worth being hungry and cranky for and anyway I don’t really think going hungry in order to lose a few pounds is all that smart.
My friends have been telling me I look great and have gone so far as to say that if I lost any more weight I would be too skinny (to which I still must respond, “Yeah, right.”). My feelings have been mixed: am I not trying hard enough to get these last lbs off or is 135 lbs an unreasonable goal for me? I finally decided to get my BMI measured and answer the question that way.
When I say I got my BMI measured I am saying that a professional did a test to figure out how much of my body was made up of fat. About 5 years ago I had the skin fold test done and my trainer told me I was 30% fat (which is considered obese). At Club Fit they use the Bioelectric Impedance method, which is not nearly as painful as it sounds. It’s a picky test so I couldn’t eat or drink beforehand but still had to be hydrated, had to be well-rested, couldn’t work out before hand and had to take off all my jewelry. Claire, the nice trainer girl who was helping me, put some sort of magnetic strip things on my hands and feet and then sent an electric current through my body. The machine measured how long it took for the current to get from one end to the other and then spit out a number. We took that number back to the computer, entered it along with my height, gender, and weight, and out popped my body fat percentage.
As we did all this, Claire was telling me about the program and explaining that my results would be saved in the computer so I could be tested again in the future and compare the results with the ones from today to see how much fat I’d… “Oh, you’re 20.9% fat. That’s really good. Healthy body fat for women ranges from 18% to 25%.” She seemed surprised by the results. I was surprised by the results!
I was so surprised by the results, I walked back to the locker room and cried. I was sure I would measure between 26 and 29%. And to think I was feeling like such a failure for not getting that last 7 lbs off!
It’s been a week now and I’m still processing these results. I’ve heard many people throughout my life say that those weight charts weren’t accurate for everyone but I thought they were just trying to find excuses. I just looked up one of those weight charts and it told me I should weigh between 99 and 121 lbs. Could you imagine me at 99 lbs?! I guess my bone structure really is that different, and I’m not just trying to find excuses for my size!
But everyday I have the nagging worry that Claire did something wrong or I was dehydrated or my stomach wasn’t empty enough or something else happened to mess with the results and that I really am still over weight.
My whole life I have lived in hopes that I was not the girl who didn’t fit into the weight charts. I wanted to lose weight and be slim and pretty. Now I don’t care; now I just wish no one had created a mold that we all had to force ourselves into. I’m healthy! What more can I ask for? Yet it’s going to take a long time to actually believe it. I’m so used to seeing myself as the chubby girl.
Letter to a Friend
About support, I am feeling frustrated and impatient. I am closer to my goal by not by any effort of my own. I know this sounds ungrateful but I really wish some of MY efforts were paying off. I am told to keep calling, keep emailing, keep harassing people about meetings and money and pledges and meanwhile God is doing His own thing… over there. He recently asked me to “be still and wait” but how do I balance that with this whole support raising thing (rhetorical question: I don’t expect an answer)? How much being still and waiting do I do and how much support raising do I do?
About the other stuff… maybe I should warn you now that I love to write and I’m definitely a talker. Sorry?
I received another coupon from eHarmony the other day and am strongly tempted to sign up. I have been praying about it but don’t feel as though any specific answer is forthcoming. I do feel that God asking me to “be still and wait” was to incorporate my entire life, not just support raising. I want to feel a peace about eHarmony before I sign up but the temptation is getting too strong and I will probably cave before I get any solid direction from God.
I realized this morning that I feel ashamed to be struggling with this marriage thing again/still. I’m ashamed to want marriage when it’s not even on the horizon, as if I should have figured out by now that it’s not for me and I am a fool to think otherwise. Somehow it’s been lodged in my head that there must be something wrong with me because no man wants me; I’m not sexy enough, smart enough, mysterious enough, feminine enough, strong enough, etc. In my head I know that I really just don’t understand that God loves me. I spent some time this morning looking up scripture about His love but it all seemed so impersonal, as though none of it was written for me, about me, to me.
I read a few chapters in “Passion and Purity” as well this morning and one thing Elliot wrote caught my eye, “My heart was saying, ‘Lord take away this longing or give me that for which I long.’ The Lord was answering, ‘I must teach you to long for something better.’” And then she quoted from Deut 8:3, “And He humbled you and let you be hungry, and fed you with manna which you did not know, nor did your father know, that He might make you understand that man does not live by bread alone, but man lives by everything that proceeds out of the mouth of the Lord.”
James 1:2 came to mind at one point this morning, “Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials.” I know my trials are not life-or-death but they are making me ask questions, “What is it I am seeking? What is it I want? What do I need?” These questions will help me strip down to the very core of my desires so I can see how much I need God and how satisfying - and true! - is His everlasting love for me.
So I am choosing to exult in these trials. I’ll still cry and struggle and feel anger and frustration but I know He’s working something deep down inside of me; I know that He is creating in me a pure hunger for the Bread of Life.
And now it sounds like I think I’m all cool and all that. It’s not true! I still have so much to struggle through. But I think just writing this letter has been a great way of processing all my thoughts and feelings. Thank you for reading. : )
About the other stuff… maybe I should warn you now that I love to write and I’m definitely a talker. Sorry?
I received another coupon from eHarmony the other day and am strongly tempted to sign up. I have been praying about it but don’t feel as though any specific answer is forthcoming. I do feel that God asking me to “be still and wait” was to incorporate my entire life, not just support raising. I want to feel a peace about eHarmony before I sign up but the temptation is getting too strong and I will probably cave before I get any solid direction from God.
I realized this morning that I feel ashamed to be struggling with this marriage thing again/still. I’m ashamed to want marriage when it’s not even on the horizon, as if I should have figured out by now that it’s not for me and I am a fool to think otherwise. Somehow it’s been lodged in my head that there must be something wrong with me because no man wants me; I’m not sexy enough, smart enough, mysterious enough, feminine enough, strong enough, etc. In my head I know that I really just don’t understand that God loves me. I spent some time this morning looking up scripture about His love but it all seemed so impersonal, as though none of it was written for me, about me, to me.
I read a few chapters in “Passion and Purity” as well this morning and one thing Elliot wrote caught my eye, “My heart was saying, ‘Lord take away this longing or give me that for which I long.’ The Lord was answering, ‘I must teach you to long for something better.’” And then she quoted from Deut 8:3, “And He humbled you and let you be hungry, and fed you with manna which you did not know, nor did your father know, that He might make you understand that man does not live by bread alone, but man lives by everything that proceeds out of the mouth of the Lord.”
James 1:2 came to mind at one point this morning, “Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials.” I know my trials are not life-or-death but they are making me ask questions, “What is it I am seeking? What is it I want? What do I need?” These questions will help me strip down to the very core of my desires so I can see how much I need God and how satisfying - and true! - is His everlasting love for me.
So I am choosing to exult in these trials. I’ll still cry and struggle and feel anger and frustration but I know He’s working something deep down inside of me; I know that He is creating in me a pure hunger for the Bread of Life.
And now it sounds like I think I’m all cool and all that. It’s not true! I still have so much to struggle through. But I think just writing this letter has been a great way of processing all my thoughts and feelings. Thank you for reading. : )
Monday, February 16, 2009
Be Still and Wait... Some More
I hate that I am so limited in my understanding that often, when God is doing something in my life, I totally take it the wrong way. He’s certainly teaching me wisdom but, man, I’m used to catching on a lot faster than this! And it’s not that I’m stupid but more likely that the lessons He’s teaching me are hard ones that will need to be learned over and over throughout my life and to greater depths at each learning.
Lately God has been revealing to me sin after sin after sin. At each revelation I develop an elaborate plan to tackle this newly revealed sin and eradicate it from my life. The next day He reveals something new and I’m like, “Really? Ok, how do we deal with this one?” And then the next day it’s still something else and I start to feel overwhelmed because I’m trying to remember to pray on my knees, love everyone, never get snappy, feed the poor, clothe the naked, surrender my desire to be married, pray more, fast from everything I like (coffee, wine, chocolate, ice cream, eating out, bathing… j/k) and, seriously, who wouldn’t be overwhelmed? Meanwhile I’m supposed to be working on my support but - hello! - who has time? I have to fix all my sins! I have to get rid of all these other distractions.
And, really, that’s all they are - distractions. I can conceive a million plans to “fix all my sins” but is that what God’s really asking of me? Is that really why He’s showing me these things? Am I really being faithful if I’m constantly being distracted from what’s been set before me?
Fund raising to join the team at YD Adventures is what’s been set before me. If all these other things are just distractions, why is God showing them to me?
I don’t know. But I have learned a few things lately.
When I lost my job at Bella Café I looked at what I had left to raise to reach my goal and thought, “Pshaw, that’s nothing. If I put my nose to the grindstone, I’ll be done by February.” So I did just that. And have as yet to raise a single penny from my own efforts. “Get to work,” I tell myself. “Be faithful,” I remind myself. But I haven’t had a single appointment in over a month!
I am closer to my goal but it’s trickling in and everything that’s come in thus far has had nothing to do with me and everything to do with God alone. Do you know how frustrating this is?? I’m not trying to be a jerk, I just wish some of MY efforts were paying off. I feel like all I’m doing is wasting my time!
The final straw came Thurs night at Bible study. All evening I’d been hearing God say, “Be still and wait…” and was contemplating whether or not “be still” and “wait” are ever found in the same verse when a friend asked me how I was doing on support ministry. I began to vent and worked myself up until I said, “I want to call up our support coach and tell her ‘IT’S NOT WORKING!!!!’” The capitals indicate that I was screaming. I heard other people in the room say, “Whoa!” and a few friends came out of the kitchen to check and make sure everything was ok. “Crap,” I thought to myself, “that was immature. Way to go, Raychel.” My friend began to talk while I brooded in self-pity but then I suddenly realized my friend had just said…
“… What did you just say?” I asked.
“Put me down for 100 a month. The Lord’s really put you on my heart and I think I need to be supporting you.” I just sat there, completely dazed.
“Is this what I get for throwing a temper tantrum?” I silently asked God. But I knew that was wrong. I was not being rewarded for screaming. This was probably the most humbling “support raising meeting” in all of history. God was being faithful in the midst of my doubting. He is steadfast and good and I am a sick little human whose efforts are futile. Everything comes from God.
I went home, got on e-Sword and did a search for “be still and wait”. I had it on the ESV version and found myself staring at Psalm 37:7, “Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him…” Then verse 8 goes on to say, “Refrain from anger and forsake wrath! Fret not yourself; it tends only to evil.”
Here is a choice set before me. I can choose to “be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him” or I can be all stressed out and take things into my own hands. The first choice is what God is asking of me. It’s difficult because I like tangible tasks producing tangible results and that’s not what support raising is yielding right now, but it’s what God is asking. The second choice is plain disobedience, which is the essence of sin. It will not yield the results I’m looking for and will probably cause me to harden my heart toward God.
I’m not stupid so I know which one I’ll choose.
My pastor spoke last week of “baby steps” toward the person we want to be or the things we want to get better at. What “baby steps” are required in being still and waiting? I think Psalm 37 provides that answer when it says, “Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness. Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust Him, and He will act.” vs3-5
What better direction do I need?
I still don’t know why He keeps showing me all the areas in which I sin but I do know that developing elaborate plans to “fix all my sins” is just me taking things into my own hands, no matter how Godly the façade I try to hide it under. Just be still before the Lord, Raychel, and wait patiently for Him. Trust Him. Commit your way to Him. Set your eyes on Him and allow Him to be the center.
That’s it. I seriously don’t know anything else, only what He’s asked me to do. Funny, it’s the same lesson He was teaching me a year ago… Be still and wait…
Lately God has been revealing to me sin after sin after sin. At each revelation I develop an elaborate plan to tackle this newly revealed sin and eradicate it from my life. The next day He reveals something new and I’m like, “Really? Ok, how do we deal with this one?” And then the next day it’s still something else and I start to feel overwhelmed because I’m trying to remember to pray on my knees, love everyone, never get snappy, feed the poor, clothe the naked, surrender my desire to be married, pray more, fast from everything I like (coffee, wine, chocolate, ice cream, eating out, bathing… j/k) and, seriously, who wouldn’t be overwhelmed? Meanwhile I’m supposed to be working on my support but - hello! - who has time? I have to fix all my sins! I have to get rid of all these other distractions.
And, really, that’s all they are - distractions. I can conceive a million plans to “fix all my sins” but is that what God’s really asking of me? Is that really why He’s showing me these things? Am I really being faithful if I’m constantly being distracted from what’s been set before me?
Fund raising to join the team at YD Adventures is what’s been set before me. If all these other things are just distractions, why is God showing them to me?
I don’t know. But I have learned a few things lately.
When I lost my job at Bella Café I looked at what I had left to raise to reach my goal and thought, “Pshaw, that’s nothing. If I put my nose to the grindstone, I’ll be done by February.” So I did just that. And have as yet to raise a single penny from my own efforts. “Get to work,” I tell myself. “Be faithful,” I remind myself. But I haven’t had a single appointment in over a month!
I am closer to my goal but it’s trickling in and everything that’s come in thus far has had nothing to do with me and everything to do with God alone. Do you know how frustrating this is?? I’m not trying to be a jerk, I just wish some of MY efforts were paying off. I feel like all I’m doing is wasting my time!
The final straw came Thurs night at Bible study. All evening I’d been hearing God say, “Be still and wait…” and was contemplating whether or not “be still” and “wait” are ever found in the same verse when a friend asked me how I was doing on support ministry. I began to vent and worked myself up until I said, “I want to call up our support coach and tell her ‘IT’S NOT WORKING!!!!’” The capitals indicate that I was screaming. I heard other people in the room say, “Whoa!” and a few friends came out of the kitchen to check and make sure everything was ok. “Crap,” I thought to myself, “that was immature. Way to go, Raychel.” My friend began to talk while I brooded in self-pity but then I suddenly realized my friend had just said…
“… What did you just say?” I asked.
“Put me down for 100 a month. The Lord’s really put you on my heart and I think I need to be supporting you.” I just sat there, completely dazed.
“Is this what I get for throwing a temper tantrum?” I silently asked God. But I knew that was wrong. I was not being rewarded for screaming. This was probably the most humbling “support raising meeting” in all of history. God was being faithful in the midst of my doubting. He is steadfast and good and I am a sick little human whose efforts are futile. Everything comes from God.
I went home, got on e-Sword and did a search for “be still and wait”. I had it on the ESV version and found myself staring at Psalm 37:7, “Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him…” Then verse 8 goes on to say, “Refrain from anger and forsake wrath! Fret not yourself; it tends only to evil.”
Here is a choice set before me. I can choose to “be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him” or I can be all stressed out and take things into my own hands. The first choice is what God is asking of me. It’s difficult because I like tangible tasks producing tangible results and that’s not what support raising is yielding right now, but it’s what God is asking. The second choice is plain disobedience, which is the essence of sin. It will not yield the results I’m looking for and will probably cause me to harden my heart toward God.
I’m not stupid so I know which one I’ll choose.
My pastor spoke last week of “baby steps” toward the person we want to be or the things we want to get better at. What “baby steps” are required in being still and waiting? I think Psalm 37 provides that answer when it says, “Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness. Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust Him, and He will act.” vs3-5
What better direction do I need?
I still don’t know why He keeps showing me all the areas in which I sin but I do know that developing elaborate plans to “fix all my sins” is just me taking things into my own hands, no matter how Godly the façade I try to hide it under. Just be still before the Lord, Raychel, and wait patiently for Him. Trust Him. Commit your way to Him. Set your eyes on Him and allow Him to be the center.
That’s it. I seriously don’t know anything else, only what He’s asked me to do. Funny, it’s the same lesson He was teaching me a year ago… Be still and wait…
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Recipe: Berry Tapioca
I'm trying something new; I just discovered that facebook imports blogs. Yeah! So I'm writing this and hoping it'll show up on facebook.
Berry Tapioca
2 cups water (split)
16 oz of berries or other fruit (I just used a bag of mixed frozen berries)
1/4 cup tapioca pearls
1/2 cup sugar (I just tried a mix of maple syrup and sugar: 1/4 cup syrup, 1/8 cup sugar)
1 tbsp vanilla
Soak 1/4 cup tapioca pearls in 1/4 cup water for about 10 minutes
Boil the remaining water (1 and 3/4 cups) in a medium-sized pot
Add berries to boiling water and bring to a boil again
Add soaked tapioca pearls
Add sugar and vanilla
Allow to simmer, stirring somewhat frequently, until tapioca pearls are clear. Add more sugar if you don't think it's sweet enough.
It's good hot or cold, on brownies or ice cream, all by itself, or with granola.
Berry Tapioca
2 cups water (split)
16 oz of berries or other fruit (I just used a bag of mixed frozen berries)
1/4 cup tapioca pearls
1/2 cup sugar (I just tried a mix of maple syrup and sugar: 1/4 cup syrup, 1/8 cup sugar)
1 tbsp vanilla
Soak 1/4 cup tapioca pearls in 1/4 cup water for about 10 minutes
Boil the remaining water (1 and 3/4 cups) in a medium-sized pot
Add berries to boiling water and bring to a boil again
Add soaked tapioca pearls
Add sugar and vanilla
Allow to simmer, stirring somewhat frequently, until tapioca pearls are clear. Add more sugar if you don't think it's sweet enough.
It's good hot or cold, on brownies or ice cream, all by itself, or with granola.
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