When I gave my life to Christ all my sins were forgiven and I became alive in Christ. That was on the spiritual level. On the physical/emotional level, I have never fully addressed my sins and how they have effected how I think, feel, and live. I admit that I am hindered from the freedom, authority, and power I should have in Christ and find myself bogged down by guilt, fear, and depression. It is my sin that has entangled me and keeps me from running the race set before me with endurance (Heb 12:1). That is the image of the wound on the horse’s hindquarters that was bandaged but grew and festered around the bandage. It is time now to take off the old bandage and re-examine the wound so it can be bandaged and heal properly.
Satan does not want me to have victory over my past. God is warning me that Satan is going to do what he can to distract me and wear me down. My only chance of resisting Satan is by facing – actually embracing wholeheartedly – something I anticipate will be enormously painful. That is the image of the bull charging me and me diving through the barbed wire fence.
I have spent a lot of time meditating and praying (and observing my life) and believe that what God is asking me to embrace wholeheartedly is the body of Christ. I cannot stand alone; one who stands alone is an easy target. However, I do not trust people. We have all been hurt numerous times by people in our lives and I have reacted to the pain caused by others by building walls between me and everyone else. I do most of my struggling alone and open up to very few people. I have also begun to realize that it’s not just other people I don’t trust; I have a tendency to sabotage my relationships through anger, selfishness, and being overly dramatic. I am convinced that, when people begin to know the true me, they will reject me. Instead of giving people the opportunity to love me through this crap, I reject myself and deny myself their companionship and love, knowing that I don’t deserve it and will only hurt them if I try to be their friend.
The body of Christ is the image of Christ on earth. True, we don’t always do a terrific job of reflecting Christ and I’m not saying that I will never be hurt again. People hurt people, but Christ will always be there offering forgiveness and love and healing, and asking us to do the same in His name.
These are not just pretty words; I have begun “diving through the barbed wire” by confessing my sins to fellow sisters in Christ whom I know and love. I am looking into finding a Christian counselor. I am looking at joining some support groups that help people deal with addictions, sin, and the wounds caused by others people’s addictions and sins.
For a long time now the image of a beautiful horse running with freedom, power, and grace has captivated my imagination. I would like to claim that as a vision of who I will become as these wounds are tended and healed.
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Canyonview RAP
A couple weeks ago I was worried that I wasn’t going to be on very many trips. Now I’m wondering if I’ll have the energy for all the trips I’m scheduled for. Yay! That makes me happy.
Last week I was the trip coordinator for a River Adventure Program (RAP) for the first time ever. Canyonview, a horse camp down in Silverton, runs an adventure camp every summer and they hire us to do all the fun stuff. This summer was our first RAP together and, since I had led their trips for the past few years, I requested to lead this one as well. I was excited both to be on a RAP (they’re one of our best trips) and to be the trip coordinator for it.
Five students and 3 Canyonview staff joined us for this trip. We had one returning student and I remember her being remarkably strong in the Lord for a person her age. The other 4 were a conglomeration of believers, non-believers, mature, and not-so-mature. Of the 3 Canyonview staff, 2 had been on trips with us before; they have become familiar, comfortable people to work with and I know that their staff and our staff share the common goal of wanting to see kids come to know and grow in the Lord.
I think I set the bar too high for myself on this trip. Not only was I going to do a fantastic job as the trip leader but I was going to have one-on-ones with all the students and we were going to have amazingly spiritual conversations. Instead, at the end of the trip I felt as though I had been very disconnected from the group as a whole and my being on the trip was basically a waste of everyone’s time.
I’ve had ample time to process the trip and discuss it with a few of my co-workers. I now realize that I did a very good job on this trip. I proved myself flexible to our schedule, decisive, willing to listen to advice, sensitive to the needs of the group, and able to engage spiritually when it was important. Still, I made some mistakes that I get learn from: precautions to take in order to avoid logistical mishaps, being firm with students without letting their attitudes get to me, and not taking my guide stick out of the water just before Shark’s Hole when my crew is not balanced.
Ah, yes. Shark’s Hole. I had one strong paddler and three not-so-strong paddlers. I knew Shark’s Hole would have a special punch to it so I prepared for the hole by taking my guide stick out of the water and ducking into the boat (I am not a coward; this hole will literally launch me toward the front of the boat causing much pain on impact). The boat almost magically swung to the left and, when we hit the hole, the boat stopped and my entire right side kept going. We spent the next 10 minutes or so fishing people out of the river and checking to be sure everyone was ok.
The highlight of this trip for me was the Flagpole Hike. We started hiking from our campsite and climbed (hiked upwards) to the top of the canyon. It’s a steep, long hike and challenging for most people. When everyone reached the top you could feel the relief. DONE! And so high up! You get a beautiful view of the Deschutes River canyon as well as various mountains (Sisters, Jefferson, Three Finger Jack, to name a few). While we were up there I took some time to share part of my testimony with the group. We had been reading Colossians and earlier that day had discussed Col 2:8. I shared with these students how sold out I once was on what the world believes to be “only normal” such as sex before marriage, evolution, getting drunk, etc. I told them to look around and compare the view at the top of the canyon with the view they had while standing by the river. God’s view, I told them, is even greater than what we were experiencing up at the flagpole; He is the Creator of all we could see and more. He knows everything going on in our lives and even our hearts. He knows what is right for us and has shared that with us in His Word.
Well, I hope that’s how what I shared came across because that’s certainly what I intended to say. More than anything I hope that what I shared brought glory to God.
I am now preparing for two trips almost back-to-back. I will be coordinating Mosaic’s first trip with YD Adventures this coming week and the following week I will be coordinating the Sunrise Baptist Rope Rock Raft. There’s a possibility I may be on (but not coordinating) the Warner backpacking trip and I will be finishing off my summer with a stacked RAP (yes! They gave me another RAP to coordinate!!).
Please pray for the YD Adventures staff and that their energy is kept up as we press into the busiest part of our summer. Also that they stay connected with our Lord; ministry is difficult enough as is; to do it without preparing by spending time in the word and in prayer is nearly impossible (but young people don’t always realize that). Please pray that we work together in unity as the body of Christ, that we exemplify the love of Christ, and that students’ hearts are open and receptive to the gospel. Please pray for me that when I make mistakes I learn from them instead of fret over them, and pray that the Lord’s Spirit rejuvenates me and prepares me for each trip.
Thank you! I look forward to sharing with you what the Lord has done.
Last week I was the trip coordinator for a River Adventure Program (RAP) for the first time ever. Canyonview, a horse camp down in Silverton, runs an adventure camp every summer and they hire us to do all the fun stuff. This summer was our first RAP together and, since I had led their trips for the past few years, I requested to lead this one as well. I was excited both to be on a RAP (they’re one of our best trips) and to be the trip coordinator for it.
Five students and 3 Canyonview staff joined us for this trip. We had one returning student and I remember her being remarkably strong in the Lord for a person her age. The other 4 were a conglomeration of believers, non-believers, mature, and not-so-mature. Of the 3 Canyonview staff, 2 had been on trips with us before; they have become familiar, comfortable people to work with and I know that their staff and our staff share the common goal of wanting to see kids come to know and grow in the Lord.
I think I set the bar too high for myself on this trip. Not only was I going to do a fantastic job as the trip leader but I was going to have one-on-ones with all the students and we were going to have amazingly spiritual conversations. Instead, at the end of the trip I felt as though I had been very disconnected from the group as a whole and my being on the trip was basically a waste of everyone’s time.
I’ve had ample time to process the trip and discuss it with a few of my co-workers. I now realize that I did a very good job on this trip. I proved myself flexible to our schedule, decisive, willing to listen to advice, sensitive to the needs of the group, and able to engage spiritually when it was important. Still, I made some mistakes that I get learn from: precautions to take in order to avoid logistical mishaps, being firm with students without letting their attitudes get to me, and not taking my guide stick out of the water just before Shark’s Hole when my crew is not balanced.
Ah, yes. Shark’s Hole. I had one strong paddler and three not-so-strong paddlers. I knew Shark’s Hole would have a special punch to it so I prepared for the hole by taking my guide stick out of the water and ducking into the boat (I am not a coward; this hole will literally launch me toward the front of the boat causing much pain on impact). The boat almost magically swung to the left and, when we hit the hole, the boat stopped and my entire right side kept going. We spent the next 10 minutes or so fishing people out of the river and checking to be sure everyone was ok.
The highlight of this trip for me was the Flagpole Hike. We started hiking from our campsite and climbed (hiked upwards) to the top of the canyon. It’s a steep, long hike and challenging for most people. When everyone reached the top you could feel the relief. DONE! And so high up! You get a beautiful view of the Deschutes River canyon as well as various mountains (Sisters, Jefferson, Three Finger Jack, to name a few). While we were up there I took some time to share part of my testimony with the group. We had been reading Colossians and earlier that day had discussed Col 2:8. I shared with these students how sold out I once was on what the world believes to be “only normal” such as sex before marriage, evolution, getting drunk, etc. I told them to look around and compare the view at the top of the canyon with the view they had while standing by the river. God’s view, I told them, is even greater than what we were experiencing up at the flagpole; He is the Creator of all we could see and more. He knows everything going on in our lives and even our hearts. He knows what is right for us and has shared that with us in His Word.
Well, I hope that’s how what I shared came across because that’s certainly what I intended to say. More than anything I hope that what I shared brought glory to God.
I am now preparing for two trips almost back-to-back. I will be coordinating Mosaic’s first trip with YD Adventures this coming week and the following week I will be coordinating the Sunrise Baptist Rope Rock Raft. There’s a possibility I may be on (but not coordinating) the Warner backpacking trip and I will be finishing off my summer with a stacked RAP (yes! They gave me another RAP to coordinate!!).
Please pray for the YD Adventures staff and that their energy is kept up as we press into the busiest part of our summer. Also that they stay connected with our Lord; ministry is difficult enough as is; to do it without preparing by spending time in the word and in prayer is nearly impossible (but young people don’t always realize that). Please pray that we work together in unity as the body of Christ, that we exemplify the love of Christ, and that students’ hearts are open and receptive to the gospel. Please pray for me that when I make mistakes I learn from them instead of fret over them, and pray that the Lord’s Spirit rejuvenates me and prepares me for each trip.
Thank you! I look forward to sharing with you what the Lord has done.
Monday, July 5, 2010
The Dream
Back in March I had a dream. I have reason to believe that this dream is significant, full of meaning, and from God. Here it is.
The Dream: I was standing in a field administering first aid to a horse with an old wound in its hindquarters. I felt guilty because I should have taken care of it a long time ago and now the wound had grown and festered around the bandage. I had no idea what to do; all I could think about was how much this was going to hurt.
I was standing in the same field but the horse was gone. I sensed the presence of a bull and knew I had to avoid it. Suddenly is was charging me. I was scared and had to keep dodging him as he continuously came after me. In my attempts to avoid being gored by the bull I found myself within reach of a barbed wire fence and realized that my only chance was to jump through the fence. I flung myself through the barbed wire fence, expecting to be injured, but I came though unscathed.
Next I was talking to guy I've met twice for the first time. He invited me to go somewhere with him and his friend and suddenly we walked into a church-like building and found seats. The seats we sat at were just three seats isolated from all the other rows. His friend wandered off but a friend of mine appeared, excited that I had finally come. The people on the stage called 12 people down from the seating area and asked them each to read a chapter and come back to share it with the group. I woke up during the long silence before they came up to speak.
The Dream: I was standing in a field administering first aid to a horse with an old wound in its hindquarters. I felt guilty because I should have taken care of it a long time ago and now the wound had grown and festered around the bandage. I had no idea what to do; all I could think about was how much this was going to hurt.
I was standing in the same field but the horse was gone. I sensed the presence of a bull and knew I had to avoid it. Suddenly is was charging me. I was scared and had to keep dodging him as he continuously came after me. In my attempts to avoid being gored by the bull I found myself within reach of a barbed wire fence and realized that my only chance was to jump through the fence. I flung myself through the barbed wire fence, expecting to be injured, but I came though unscathed.
Next I was talking to guy I've met twice for the first time. He invited me to go somewhere with him and his friend and suddenly we walked into a church-like building and found seats. The seats we sat at were just three seats isolated from all the other rows. His friend wandered off but a friend of mine appeared, excited that I had finally come. The people on the stage called 12 people down from the seating area and asked them each to read a chapter and come back to share it with the group. I woke up during the long silence before they came up to speak.
Friday, May 28, 2010
Praise and Prayer Update
Hello friends! It seems as though there are certain things that the Christian lifestyle revolves around but that we (I) don’t give the highest priority to. One of those things is prayer. Our staffing coordinator has committed to make praying for our staff a priority this year. Our director always mentions the importance of prayer in our ministry (since it is God at work and we need to rely on that). Also, Chris Adsit, author of this summer’s devotional, “Personal Disciple Making” is a huge advocate for relying first on prayer (“Prayer is the foundation of our discipling strategy because Jesus is the One who causes the growth.”) I think I’m getting it; prayer is our first and most important step of obedience, because it’s God who does the real work. After – and only after – we pray can we truly be available for the work He has for us. Thus, I wanted to take some time to share what’s going on at YD Adventures and how you can be praying for us.
Our new summer staff have finished their first week of raft training as well as low ropes challenge course training. They are doing well! Last night they left for rock climbing training (I will be joining them tonight). They have to learn how to tie certain knots and how to facilitate a climbing as well as a rappel station. Our second year summer staff will be learning how to send students on rappel and preparing their rappel talks (Rappelling presents a very, very teachable moment. If you’ve ever backed off a cliff, you know exactly what I mean).
Next week on Tuesday summer staff and trainers will be leaving for Point Runs/Raft 2, which is part of our raft training on the Deschutes River. They will be staying out there until Sunday night, making this one of the most difficult parts of training since no one sleeps well and each of them will be working hard every day that week. Please pray for endurance and perseverance for our summer staff and trainers.
Please pray that each of the summer staff continue to be molded and formed into humble, Spirit-filled vessels that the Lord will use this summer to bring teens to Him. I just want to say that we have an awesome crew working for the Lord at YD Adventures this summer. Thank You, Jesus!
In the month of June we have some very special trips coming up. NW Passages is a group of adults who go through a special 3-year discipleship program and who come to enjoy a day on the challenge course with us at the end of their first year. It’s odd facilitating people who are older than most of us but it’s an honor to kick off our season with people who are so dedicated to following the Lord. We will likely use this trip to help train our first year summer staff, giving them an opportunity to see how we run a challenge course.
Also in June is a trip with students from an alternative school. Please be praying that these students’ hearts will be tender and ready to hear and receive the gospel. Please pray for one-on-one opportunities for staff to share with these students and that staff would recognize, boldly snatch, and be intentional with these opportunities.
We have a camp in WA joining us for a rafting/IK (inflatable kayak) trip. Pray that we can come alongside the camp’s staff to live out and present the gospel to these teens. We are taking another camp’s staff rock climbing; please pray that this day aids in preparing them for a summer of ministry. Last, we have a multiday trip with a local church; please pray that the Creator of the heavens and earth reveals Himself tangibly on this trip and that their need for Jesus and His unconditional love for them is made clear.
My own personal prayer/praise requests are:
I have injured my arm. Looks like I strained the muscles responsible for pulling and twisting my wrist. If this doesn’t heal quickly and completely I will not be guiding this summer, which would be a bummer. However, I believe in the sovereignty of our Lord and that, if He keeps me off the river this summer, it is to serve His purposes. Still, please pray that it does heal quickly so I can guide.
I have had no trouble sleeping for some weeks now – praise the Lord! Please pray that this continues.
This year I am acting as the female summer staff coordinator. I am responsible for connecting with and discipling these ladies throughout the summer. What an honor! Please pray that I put these ladies’ comforts and needs before my own. Please pray that I learn how to serve in this capacity. Please pray that I approach this in humility as I have just as much to learn from them as they have from me.
Our new summer staff have finished their first week of raft training as well as low ropes challenge course training. They are doing well! Last night they left for rock climbing training (I will be joining them tonight). They have to learn how to tie certain knots and how to facilitate a climbing as well as a rappel station. Our second year summer staff will be learning how to send students on rappel and preparing their rappel talks (Rappelling presents a very, very teachable moment. If you’ve ever backed off a cliff, you know exactly what I mean).
Next week on Tuesday summer staff and trainers will be leaving for Point Runs/Raft 2, which is part of our raft training on the Deschutes River. They will be staying out there until Sunday night, making this one of the most difficult parts of training since no one sleeps well and each of them will be working hard every day that week. Please pray for endurance and perseverance for our summer staff and trainers.
Please pray that each of the summer staff continue to be molded and formed into humble, Spirit-filled vessels that the Lord will use this summer to bring teens to Him. I just want to say that we have an awesome crew working for the Lord at YD Adventures this summer. Thank You, Jesus!
In the month of June we have some very special trips coming up. NW Passages is a group of adults who go through a special 3-year discipleship program and who come to enjoy a day on the challenge course with us at the end of their first year. It’s odd facilitating people who are older than most of us but it’s an honor to kick off our season with people who are so dedicated to following the Lord. We will likely use this trip to help train our first year summer staff, giving them an opportunity to see how we run a challenge course.
Also in June is a trip with students from an alternative school. Please be praying that these students’ hearts will be tender and ready to hear and receive the gospel. Please pray for one-on-one opportunities for staff to share with these students and that staff would recognize, boldly snatch, and be intentional with these opportunities.
We have a camp in WA joining us for a rafting/IK (inflatable kayak) trip. Pray that we can come alongside the camp’s staff to live out and present the gospel to these teens. We are taking another camp’s staff rock climbing; please pray that this day aids in preparing them for a summer of ministry. Last, we have a multiday trip with a local church; please pray that the Creator of the heavens and earth reveals Himself tangibly on this trip and that their need for Jesus and His unconditional love for them is made clear.
My own personal prayer/praise requests are:
I have injured my arm. Looks like I strained the muscles responsible for pulling and twisting my wrist. If this doesn’t heal quickly and completely I will not be guiding this summer, which would be a bummer. However, I believe in the sovereignty of our Lord and that, if He keeps me off the river this summer, it is to serve His purposes. Still, please pray that it does heal quickly so I can guide.
I have had no trouble sleeping for some weeks now – praise the Lord! Please pray that this continues.
This year I am acting as the female summer staff coordinator. I am responsible for connecting with and discipling these ladies throughout the summer. What an honor! Please pray that I put these ladies’ comforts and needs before my own. Please pray that I learn how to serve in this capacity. Please pray that I approach this in humility as I have just as much to learn from them as they have from me.
Monday, February 22, 2010
A New Name
I walked into the dimly-lit auditorium. I could smell the fragrance of scented candles; the stage was lined with a foot-thick border of variously shaped votives. A lamp sat in each back corner of the stage, on the right providing light for two colorful canvases and on the left lighting up the keys of an upright piano where sat a young, thin man. Next to him sat three more young men, one with a guitar, one with a drum, and one sitting with only a microphone. Brightly colored drapes – purple and yellow – were attached to each side of the stage and swooped down to splash color across the floor before the stage. There were three projectors; the main projector portrayed the image of a stained glass window across the back of the stage; the other two projectors were focused on the walls to left and right and contained short bits of scripture.
I found a seat near the front, as I had been instructed to do. I was alone and so felt a little awkward but after being single for over 5 years I’ve learned to brave the awkwardness. I would miss out on many experiences in life if I was unwilling to brave the awkwardness.
Bono from U2 suddenly appeared on the main projector, explaining and then playing his song, “I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For”. Then the projector turned dark and we heard the sound of a storm, thunder cracking and popping, and birds calling out to one another. Suddenly we were being bombarded by the angry, overwhelming sounds of the city: sirens, traffic, many people talking at once. Then a great bell tolling, evoking a sense of reverence. Silence.
Sarah Baldwin, “university pastor and dean of spiritual life at George Fox”, as my itinerary from the Kaleo youth conference stated, stood up and invited everyone who had decided to attend the “Creative Worship” break-out session to experience Shalom, worship at George Fox University.
I enjoyed worshiping with these people, though I was merely one of the masses to them. The young artist worked on her canvas, and I noticed that she was barefoot, and I felt thrilled by her freedom. The young man with only a microphone stood up and tap danced as we sang. Our final song was an a cappella rendition of “This Little Light of Mine.” I have never experienced that song sung so heart fully before. The tap dancer then read for us Matthew 3:16-17.
Finally, Sarah stepped back up on the stage. She spoke to us for a bit and asked, “What is the inner name you go by? Is it ‘Anxious’? ‘Afraid’? ‘Overwhelmed’? Take some time to think about that then I invite you to come down and write that name on the projector. And then, if you wish, we will give you a new name. The name God has given you.”
My mind skimmed through the past few days. Wednesday was the beginning of Lent. I want to take Lent seriously this year, fully immerse myself in this period of time before we celebrate the resurrection of our Lord. I had already heard that Lent was not about showing the world how pious we Christians are or proving how self-disciplined we are. On Thursday evening at Bible study, Cora challenged us to think about what it is we’re holding onto the keeps us from fully receiving the love of Christ.
I entered into my time with the Lord on Friday morning with a sense of expectancy but also hesitancy and unpreparedness. I came before Him naked: I had no agenda, no perfect Bible verses picked out, no spiritual book with all the answers to run to. I had only Him and me.
And He spoke to my heart. He brought up many conversations I’ve had recently with people who love me and know me. He showed me that they all answer the same thing but I have clothed myself with an identity that has become too small and tattered but that I refuse to take off. This old identity I am wearing is pinching and rubbing in all the wrong places, causing me discomfort and pain, causing lack of sleep at night and a sense of being constantly overwhelmed and unhappy. My friends are simply trying to help me take off the old and put on the new, but the old has become such a habit for me I’m having a hard time believing there is a new.
Then I heard Jesus say, “Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you, and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart; and you shall find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy, and My burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30
Friday morning the Lord showed me that I carry a burden that is not my own but that I’ve claimed as my own. It’s the burden of guilt: guilt for everything I say or don’t say, do or don’t do, guilt that I get tired and need to rest, guilt that I have to create boundaries between myself and others, guilt that I feel overwhelmed by all the expectations and appointments and obligations, guilt that I cannot love the way I think a Christian is supposed to love.
“What is the inner name you go by?”
“Guilty,” I wrote on the projector.
As I walked away, Sarah handed me a nametag:
“Hello my name is Beloved.”
I clutched my new name, walked back to my seat, and began to sob. I just stood there with tears coursing down my face. For me, this nametag is an affirmation of what God has been trying to tell me for a long time.
“It was for freedom that Christ set us free; therefore keep standing firm and do not be subject again to a yoke of slavery.” Galatians 5:1
“If therefore the Son shall make you free, you shall be free indeed.” John 8:36
“For you have not received a spirit of slavery leading to fear [or guilt] again, but you have received a spirit of adoption as sons by which we cry out, ‘Abba! Father!’ The Spirit Himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God…” Romans 8:15-16
For Lent this year I am giving up this old identity; I am giving up being “Guilty”. That doesn’t mean I won’t apologize or feel bad when I’m wrong; it means I will try my best not to hold onto it. In other words, I am going to recognize that this is Jesus’ burden and He’s already got it; it rests squarely on His more-than-capable shoulders. That’s why it’s so light for those who come to Him.
“There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has set you free from the law of sin and of death. For what the Law could not do, weak as it was through the flesh, God did: sending His own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and as an offering for sin, He condemned sin in the flesh, in order that the requirement of the Law might be fulfilled in us, who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit.” Romans 8:1-4
“For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish, but have eternal life.” John 3:16
“See how great a love the Father has bestowed upon us, that we should be called children of God; and such we are.” 1 John 3:1a
I am not Guilty. I am Beloved.
I found a seat near the front, as I had been instructed to do. I was alone and so felt a little awkward but after being single for over 5 years I’ve learned to brave the awkwardness. I would miss out on many experiences in life if I was unwilling to brave the awkwardness.
Bono from U2 suddenly appeared on the main projector, explaining and then playing his song, “I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For”. Then the projector turned dark and we heard the sound of a storm, thunder cracking and popping, and birds calling out to one another. Suddenly we were being bombarded by the angry, overwhelming sounds of the city: sirens, traffic, many people talking at once. Then a great bell tolling, evoking a sense of reverence. Silence.
Sarah Baldwin, “university pastor and dean of spiritual life at George Fox”, as my itinerary from the Kaleo youth conference stated, stood up and invited everyone who had decided to attend the “Creative Worship” break-out session to experience Shalom, worship at George Fox University.
I enjoyed worshiping with these people, though I was merely one of the masses to them. The young artist worked on her canvas, and I noticed that she was barefoot, and I felt thrilled by her freedom. The young man with only a microphone stood up and tap danced as we sang. Our final song was an a cappella rendition of “This Little Light of Mine.” I have never experienced that song sung so heart fully before. The tap dancer then read for us Matthew 3:16-17.
Finally, Sarah stepped back up on the stage. She spoke to us for a bit and asked, “What is the inner name you go by? Is it ‘Anxious’? ‘Afraid’? ‘Overwhelmed’? Take some time to think about that then I invite you to come down and write that name on the projector. And then, if you wish, we will give you a new name. The name God has given you.”
My mind skimmed through the past few days. Wednesday was the beginning of Lent. I want to take Lent seriously this year, fully immerse myself in this period of time before we celebrate the resurrection of our Lord. I had already heard that Lent was not about showing the world how pious we Christians are or proving how self-disciplined we are. On Thursday evening at Bible study, Cora challenged us to think about what it is we’re holding onto the keeps us from fully receiving the love of Christ.
I entered into my time with the Lord on Friday morning with a sense of expectancy but also hesitancy and unpreparedness. I came before Him naked: I had no agenda, no perfect Bible verses picked out, no spiritual book with all the answers to run to. I had only Him and me.
And He spoke to my heart. He brought up many conversations I’ve had recently with people who love me and know me. He showed me that they all answer the same thing but I have clothed myself with an identity that has become too small and tattered but that I refuse to take off. This old identity I am wearing is pinching and rubbing in all the wrong places, causing me discomfort and pain, causing lack of sleep at night and a sense of being constantly overwhelmed and unhappy. My friends are simply trying to help me take off the old and put on the new, but the old has become such a habit for me I’m having a hard time believing there is a new.
Then I heard Jesus say, “Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you, and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart; and you shall find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy, and My burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30
Friday morning the Lord showed me that I carry a burden that is not my own but that I’ve claimed as my own. It’s the burden of guilt: guilt for everything I say or don’t say, do or don’t do, guilt that I get tired and need to rest, guilt that I have to create boundaries between myself and others, guilt that I feel overwhelmed by all the expectations and appointments and obligations, guilt that I cannot love the way I think a Christian is supposed to love.
“What is the inner name you go by?”
“Guilty,” I wrote on the projector.
As I walked away, Sarah handed me a nametag:
“Hello my name is Beloved.”
I clutched my new name, walked back to my seat, and began to sob. I just stood there with tears coursing down my face. For me, this nametag is an affirmation of what God has been trying to tell me for a long time.
“It was for freedom that Christ set us free; therefore keep standing firm and do not be subject again to a yoke of slavery.” Galatians 5:1
“If therefore the Son shall make you free, you shall be free indeed.” John 8:36
“For you have not received a spirit of slavery leading to fear [or guilt] again, but you have received a spirit of adoption as sons by which we cry out, ‘Abba! Father!’ The Spirit Himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God…” Romans 8:15-16
For Lent this year I am giving up this old identity; I am giving up being “Guilty”. That doesn’t mean I won’t apologize or feel bad when I’m wrong; it means I will try my best not to hold onto it. In other words, I am going to recognize that this is Jesus’ burden and He’s already got it; it rests squarely on His more-than-capable shoulders. That’s why it’s so light for those who come to Him.
“There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has set you free from the law of sin and of death. For what the Law could not do, weak as it was through the flesh, God did: sending His own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and as an offering for sin, He condemned sin in the flesh, in order that the requirement of the Law might be fulfilled in us, who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit.” Romans 8:1-4
“For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish, but have eternal life.” John 3:16
“See how great a love the Father has bestowed upon us, that we should be called children of God; and such we are.” 1 John 3:1a
I am not Guilty. I am Beloved.
Friday, November 20, 2009
The Difference Between Then and Now
I’m not sure how to share this; I’m not sure I’ve got the words yet, but I have a strong desire to share what I’m going through. Maybe people will understand; maybe they won’t. I don’t really think that matters; people like me who take the time to write things don’t do so in order that other people will understand, but so that the we, the writers, can better understand. That’s why my journal is one of the most important things about me.
When someone tells you they are struggling with depression, what do you think? Do you see someone laying in a darkened room, unwilling to get up, and thinking dark thoughts of death? Someone who can’t smile and possibly never stops crying?
My first thought when I woke up this morning was, “Now I’m going to have to get out of bed,” but it wasn’t too difficult to do so. Then I found myself in the bathroom thinking, “Maybe I made it all up. I’m doing fine.” And I worried that I was a liar.
The thing about depression is that it tricks you. It can come and go so that one moment you’re laughing and the next you feel hurt and abandoned and you want to find some dark place to crawl into and cry. Then you feel fine again and you think, “Well, I don’t know what that was. I shouldn’t tell anyone, though, because I’m fine now.”
Over five years ago I struggled with depression. It got pretty bad. I’m not sure how I hid it so well but I was recently reconnected with my Starbucks manager from that time and I asked him if I could explain everything that had been going on and he replied that he hadn’t noticed anything was wrong. I had apparently and effectively hidden my depression from everyone around me (except maybe my mom; I think she knew something was up).
I didn’t feel as though I had anyone to turn to; I was alone in the world. Every evening I came home and consumed a bottle of wine because without it I couldn’t fall asleep. I would wake up in the middle of the night sobbing for no reason except that’s how I felt inside. In the morning I would wake up and get out of bed like a robot, going to work and plastering that super fake Starbucks girl smile on my face. I spent the whole day hating everyone around me for everything they said to me and wishing - just wishing - I had someone to talk to. But I was convinced there was no one. I fantasized about death, imagining how much easier it would be if I just ended it all; but I knew that was too selfish and I could never pull it off.
It was during that time that I gave my life to Christ. I have never regretted my decision. Christ has given me life that I never want to go without again. When I imagine life without Him, I can only imagine a bleak and hopeless world that I don’t ever want to go back to.
So what now? I recognize the symptoms, though it’s not nearly as bad as it was five years ago. How does Christ make a difference in all this today? That’s what I’m really wondering. He’s with me; He’s giving me life. So how is this time different from last time?
Yesterday I cried for four hours. What set it off was an irrational feeling of abandonment from everyone. I had this hopeless feeling inside me and I knew I had to cut off all my friendships and stop trying to reach out to people before they could hurt me anymore. At the same time there was a small voice inside me (the Holy Spirit?) that said, “No! That’s all wrong! You are loved! Now is the time to reach out to the body of Christ. Do not lock them out.” I resisted this voice for as long as I could (it’s easier to believe there is no one than to muster the courage to ask for help). Finally, I sent out emails requesting prayer and I called my mom and told her what was going on. We talked for a long time and I just cried.
I was home alone nearly all day. I think that was God’s doing, putting me in a position where I would reach out for help for the first time in my life. I texted Jami and Shelli to see when they’d be home. Jami decided to call me back instead of text me (I think God did that on purpose as well) and could tell right away that I was not ok. She insisted that she could come home and within 45 minutes she was there, just sitting beside me. I knew I was loved. I received emails, and phone calls, and hugs from the people I live with, and all these things reminded me that I am loved.
And so, one big difference between then and now is that I have people to turn to - wonderful, tangible people.
Another difference - the biggest difference - is that I have hope. I know Christ - I know my God and my Creator - and that brings me much joy and hope. I know that everything has a purpose and this season of tears is meant to test and purify my faith (1 Peter 1:3-9). What an awesome thing! I am never alone because of this God; I always have Someone to turn to. I have the Holy Spirit as a seal of God’s establishing me in Christ (2 Cor 1:21-22), which means the Truth is always being whispered into my heart. Indeed, the Truth lives and reigns inside me!
Really I think that’s the only difference between then and now. It was Christ who placed in me the desire to seek fellowship, to seek a church and belong to a ministry.
Please don’t think I’ve got this “figured out”. Right now I feel fine so it’s easy to talk and write about hope and joy and all that; it’s easy to sound as though everything’s going to be all right. It won’t always be this easy. There will be moments of pure darkness when I can’t understand the light and I want to inflict the same pain I think others are trying to inflict on me, times when the Holy Spirit is a mere whisper and Satan is raging and blocking everything else out. But still the Holy Spirit will be whispering and the battle has already been won and I will learn to step out of the darkness and abide in the Light. And through this process, I pray that Jesus Christ is glorified, because that’s all that really matters.
Well, I hope this is suitably dramatic for you. I’m a little embarrassed to post it but I’m going to do it anyway. Please be praying for me!
When someone tells you they are struggling with depression, what do you think? Do you see someone laying in a darkened room, unwilling to get up, and thinking dark thoughts of death? Someone who can’t smile and possibly never stops crying?
My first thought when I woke up this morning was, “Now I’m going to have to get out of bed,” but it wasn’t too difficult to do so. Then I found myself in the bathroom thinking, “Maybe I made it all up. I’m doing fine.” And I worried that I was a liar.
The thing about depression is that it tricks you. It can come and go so that one moment you’re laughing and the next you feel hurt and abandoned and you want to find some dark place to crawl into and cry. Then you feel fine again and you think, “Well, I don’t know what that was. I shouldn’t tell anyone, though, because I’m fine now.”
Over five years ago I struggled with depression. It got pretty bad. I’m not sure how I hid it so well but I was recently reconnected with my Starbucks manager from that time and I asked him if I could explain everything that had been going on and he replied that he hadn’t noticed anything was wrong. I had apparently and effectively hidden my depression from everyone around me (except maybe my mom; I think she knew something was up).
I didn’t feel as though I had anyone to turn to; I was alone in the world. Every evening I came home and consumed a bottle of wine because without it I couldn’t fall asleep. I would wake up in the middle of the night sobbing for no reason except that’s how I felt inside. In the morning I would wake up and get out of bed like a robot, going to work and plastering that super fake Starbucks girl smile on my face. I spent the whole day hating everyone around me for everything they said to me and wishing - just wishing - I had someone to talk to. But I was convinced there was no one. I fantasized about death, imagining how much easier it would be if I just ended it all; but I knew that was too selfish and I could never pull it off.
It was during that time that I gave my life to Christ. I have never regretted my decision. Christ has given me life that I never want to go without again. When I imagine life without Him, I can only imagine a bleak and hopeless world that I don’t ever want to go back to.
So what now? I recognize the symptoms, though it’s not nearly as bad as it was five years ago. How does Christ make a difference in all this today? That’s what I’m really wondering. He’s with me; He’s giving me life. So how is this time different from last time?
Yesterday I cried for four hours. What set it off was an irrational feeling of abandonment from everyone. I had this hopeless feeling inside me and I knew I had to cut off all my friendships and stop trying to reach out to people before they could hurt me anymore. At the same time there was a small voice inside me (the Holy Spirit?) that said, “No! That’s all wrong! You are loved! Now is the time to reach out to the body of Christ. Do not lock them out.” I resisted this voice for as long as I could (it’s easier to believe there is no one than to muster the courage to ask for help). Finally, I sent out emails requesting prayer and I called my mom and told her what was going on. We talked for a long time and I just cried.
I was home alone nearly all day. I think that was God’s doing, putting me in a position where I would reach out for help for the first time in my life. I texted Jami and Shelli to see when they’d be home. Jami decided to call me back instead of text me (I think God did that on purpose as well) and could tell right away that I was not ok. She insisted that she could come home and within 45 minutes she was there, just sitting beside me. I knew I was loved. I received emails, and phone calls, and hugs from the people I live with, and all these things reminded me that I am loved.
And so, one big difference between then and now is that I have people to turn to - wonderful, tangible people.
Another difference - the biggest difference - is that I have hope. I know Christ - I know my God and my Creator - and that brings me much joy and hope. I know that everything has a purpose and this season of tears is meant to test and purify my faith (1 Peter 1:3-9). What an awesome thing! I am never alone because of this God; I always have Someone to turn to. I have the Holy Spirit as a seal of God’s establishing me in Christ (2 Cor 1:21-22), which means the Truth is always being whispered into my heart. Indeed, the Truth lives and reigns inside me!
Really I think that’s the only difference between then and now. It was Christ who placed in me the desire to seek fellowship, to seek a church and belong to a ministry.
Please don’t think I’ve got this “figured out”. Right now I feel fine so it’s easy to talk and write about hope and joy and all that; it’s easy to sound as though everything’s going to be all right. It won’t always be this easy. There will be moments of pure darkness when I can’t understand the light and I want to inflict the same pain I think others are trying to inflict on me, times when the Holy Spirit is a mere whisper and Satan is raging and blocking everything else out. But still the Holy Spirit will be whispering and the battle has already been won and I will learn to step out of the darkness and abide in the Light. And through this process, I pray that Jesus Christ is glorified, because that’s all that really matters.
Well, I hope this is suitably dramatic for you. I’m a little embarrassed to post it but I’m going to do it anyway. Please be praying for me!
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Sovereignty and Sheep
On Sunday I visited Household of Faith Community Church to see my young friend, Kaleb, get baptized. While I was there I took the time to seek out a woman for whom I used to baby sit many years ago. When I called Lauri Tauscher’s name, she looked at me blankly for a moment, then recognition registered on her face and she joyfully wrapped her arms around me in one of the longest hugs of my life. She then took me to see her two older kids, the two I used to watch, and we stood and talked for awhile.
I’m not sure Lauri knows much about the past ten years of my life but I don’t think she really cares, either. At one point I mentioned “messing up my life” and she quickly turned to face me, looked me in the eye, and said, “You did not mess up your life. God is sovereign and He has always been in control.”
I have turned that over in my mind many times since she said that. I wonder that I could say, “God is almighty, God is omnipresent, God is in control,” and not understand that He was those things in my life even before I knew Him. It really is a change in perspective for me. I guess I figured that, since I had chosen to live without Him, He had chosen not to control my life. But a God who is sovereign can do naught but control my life.
This morning I read in Genesis, “…the God Who has been my shepherd all my life to this day…” 48:15. I think I would normally have thought, “How nice for Jacob,” but this time, with Lauri’s words still ringing in my head, I realized this is true for me as well; the Lord has been my shepherd all my life.
My friend Tiffany once shared a story of shepherds and their flocks. If a shepherd has a wayward sheep who constantly breaks away from the flock, the shepherd will break the sheep’s leg so it cannot walk on its own, then carry the sheep around on his shoulders until the leg is healed. By the time the sheep can walk on its own again, it has come to know its shepherd intimately and no longer attempts to stray.
This may seem, to some, a very inhumane way to deal with an animal, but I’m sure shepherds tried many ways to cure their flocks of this habit until they found one that worked. I doubt that any shepherd liked to break his sheep’s leg but knew that, in order to form that bond of trust that would keep the sheep alive, it had to be done.
In the Bible, God’s people are frequently referred to as sheep:
“For He is our God, and we are the people of His pasture, and the sheep of His hand.” Psalm 95:7
“For thus says the Lord God, ‘Behold, I Myself will search for My sheep and seek them out. As a shepherd cares for his herd in the day when he is among his scattered sheep, so I will care for My sheep and will deliver them from all the places to which they were scattered on a cloudy and gloomy day.’ ” Isaiah 34:11-12
“And you are My sheep, human sheep of My pasture, and I am your God, declares the Lord GOD.” Ezekiel 34:31
I have always been God’s sheep, and He has always been my Shepherd. He did not want to be the Shepherd from Whom I continually bolted from and so He allowed my legs to be broken so I could not walk without Him. Then, in the moment of my need, He gathered me up in His arms and laid me across His shoulders. What a beautiful picture of God’s faithfulness!
When Lauri reminded me that God was sovereign even when I didn’t know Him, I remembered one of the final verses of Genesis, “ ‘And as for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good in order to bring about this present result…’ ” 50:20. Years ago I shook my fist at God and turned my back on Him, living my life as opposite from how the Bible instructs as possible. On the surface it would seem that each step took me further and further from God, but in reality He was orchestrating everything until I was in a position to recognize Him as my Good Shepherd.
There’s a lot in my past that I have yet to forgive myself for. If I understand that God has always been sovereign in my life and recognize that the goal of life is not to live a stainless life but only to know and follow Jesus Christ, then I know I can forgive myself for what I have done and see these things not as “messing up my life” but “the steps that led me to Life.”
“ ‘My sheep hear My voice, and I know them, and they follow Me; and I give eternal life to them, and they shall never perish; and no one shall snatch them out of My hand. My Father, who has given them to Me, is greater than all; and no one is able to snatch them out of the Father’s hand. I and the Father are one.’ ” John 10:27-30
I’m not sure Lauri knows much about the past ten years of my life but I don’t think she really cares, either. At one point I mentioned “messing up my life” and she quickly turned to face me, looked me in the eye, and said, “You did not mess up your life. God is sovereign and He has always been in control.”
I have turned that over in my mind many times since she said that. I wonder that I could say, “God is almighty, God is omnipresent, God is in control,” and not understand that He was those things in my life even before I knew Him. It really is a change in perspective for me. I guess I figured that, since I had chosen to live without Him, He had chosen not to control my life. But a God who is sovereign can do naught but control my life.
This morning I read in Genesis, “…the God Who has been my shepherd all my life to this day…” 48:15. I think I would normally have thought, “How nice for Jacob,” but this time, with Lauri’s words still ringing in my head, I realized this is true for me as well; the Lord has been my shepherd all my life.
My friend Tiffany once shared a story of shepherds and their flocks. If a shepherd has a wayward sheep who constantly breaks away from the flock, the shepherd will break the sheep’s leg so it cannot walk on its own, then carry the sheep around on his shoulders until the leg is healed. By the time the sheep can walk on its own again, it has come to know its shepherd intimately and no longer attempts to stray.
This may seem, to some, a very inhumane way to deal with an animal, but I’m sure shepherds tried many ways to cure their flocks of this habit until they found one that worked. I doubt that any shepherd liked to break his sheep’s leg but knew that, in order to form that bond of trust that would keep the sheep alive, it had to be done.
In the Bible, God’s people are frequently referred to as sheep:
“For He is our God, and we are the people of His pasture, and the sheep of His hand.” Psalm 95:7
“For thus says the Lord God, ‘Behold, I Myself will search for My sheep and seek them out. As a shepherd cares for his herd in the day when he is among his scattered sheep, so I will care for My sheep and will deliver them from all the places to which they were scattered on a cloudy and gloomy day.’ ” Isaiah 34:11-12
“And you are My sheep, human sheep of My pasture, and I am your God, declares the Lord GOD.” Ezekiel 34:31
I have always been God’s sheep, and He has always been my Shepherd. He did not want to be the Shepherd from Whom I continually bolted from and so He allowed my legs to be broken so I could not walk without Him. Then, in the moment of my need, He gathered me up in His arms and laid me across His shoulders. What a beautiful picture of God’s faithfulness!
When Lauri reminded me that God was sovereign even when I didn’t know Him, I remembered one of the final verses of Genesis, “ ‘And as for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good in order to bring about this present result…’ ” 50:20. Years ago I shook my fist at God and turned my back on Him, living my life as opposite from how the Bible instructs as possible. On the surface it would seem that each step took me further and further from God, but in reality He was orchestrating everything until I was in a position to recognize Him as my Good Shepherd.
There’s a lot in my past that I have yet to forgive myself for. If I understand that God has always been sovereign in my life and recognize that the goal of life is not to live a stainless life but only to know and follow Jesus Christ, then I know I can forgive myself for what I have done and see these things not as “messing up my life” but “the steps that led me to Life.”
“ ‘My sheep hear My voice, and I know them, and they follow Me; and I give eternal life to them, and they shall never perish; and no one shall snatch them out of My hand. My Father, who has given them to Me, is greater than all; and no one is able to snatch them out of the Father’s hand. I and the Father are one.’ ” John 10:27-30
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