A Sory Shared

I have just gotten back from four days spent with students. I am slightly dazed but very happy; it was a good trip. “What makes a trip good,” you ask? A good trip is one in which the Lord takes the lead and students are invited and challenged to a lifelong journey in relationship with Christ and His church (it is our mission, after all).

We began with a day on the challenge course, moved on to rock climbing, enjoyed a day on the river, and capped it with a lovely hike. Interwoven into the trip were analogies, quiet times to read our Bibles, and shared testimonies.

The trip seemed to speed by. On the morning of the rock climbing day we had a glorious thunder and lightning storm (for those of you in OR, do you remember the storm on Monday morning? I’m not going to forget it!). We were on the east side of Mt Hood but caught a good bit of rain. No one complained; instead, everyone expressed awe and delight at the storm. By the time we left for the rock site, the storm was over and blue was filling the sky.

Every chance I got I spent talking to students, “Do you have any siblings?” “What are your top 5 favorite musicians?” For the incoming seniors, “Do you have any plans for after high school?” Questions like these reveal what students home lives are like, what they’re filling their minds with, and whether or not they’re thinking about their futures, as well as a host of other details. It also helps build rapport between us and the students.

That evening I was given the opportunity to share my testimony. I shared with students the brokenness that I’d come from and the life that knowing Jesus had brought me. I shared about my current struggle with depression, and the hope and joy I’m discovering in the midst of it.

After I shared, we sat around the camp fire. One of the girls – we’ll call her Sarah – approached me and asked if she could speak to me. I could tell she was agitated. “Sure,” I said, “Do you want to go for a walk?” She said yes, and we walked away. Almost immediately Sarah began crying, telling me that she felt she could relate to my testimony, then poured out to me the story of her life. I listened carefully as she spoke but in the back of my mind I was thinking, “Oh no! What do I say? God, please give me wisdom.” It was humbling to be singled out for a conversation of this magnitude.

Sarah was looking for someone to listen to her, to sympathize with her struggles, and agree that what she’s struggling with is hard. She did ask for advice on how to grow closer to God, and I was more than willing to share a few simple ideas: some books that might make the Bible more interesting and a CD of scripture set to music. I also encouraged her to make time to read her Bible. Before we rejoined the group, I asked Sarah if I could pray for her. We stood there under the darkening sky, arms around each others’ shoulders, and I prayed that the Lord would draw her close, comfort her, and continue molding her into a Godly woman.

It is amazing to me that, in recycling my pain, Sarah was able to relate to me and find the courage to talk about her struggles. It reminds me of the importance of sharing our burdens with others because, in doing so, we are giving them permission to share their burdens with us. Praise the Lord for our burdens and thus our opportunities to connect with others in their pain.

A New Name

I walked into the dimly-lit auditorium. I could smell the fragrance of scented candles; the stage was lined with a foot-thick border of variously shaped votives. A lamp sat in each back corner of the stage, on the right providing light for two colorful canvases and on the left lighting up the keys of an upright piano where sat a young, thin man. Next to him sat three more young men, one with a guitar, one with a drum, and one sitting with only a microphone. Brightly colored drapes – purple and yellow – were attached to each side of the stage and swooped down to splash color across the floor before the stage. There were three projectors; the main projector portrayed the image of a stained glass window across the back of the stage; the other two projectors were focused on the walls to left and right and contained short bits of scripture.

I found a seat near the front, as I had been instructed to do. I was alone and so felt a little awkward but after being single for over 5 years I’ve learned to brave the awkwardness. I would miss out on many experiences in life if I was unwilling to brave the awkwardness.

Bono from U2 suddenly appeared on the main projector, explaining and then playing his song, “I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For”. Then the projector turned dark and we heard the sound of a storm, thunder cracking and popping, and birds calling out to one another. Suddenly we were being bombarded by the angry, overwhelming sounds of the city: sirens, traffic, many people talking at once. Then a great bell tolling, evoking a sense of reverence. Silence.

Sarah Baldwin, “university pastor and dean of spiritual life at George Fox”, as my itinerary from the Kaleo youth conference stated, stood up and invited everyone who had decided to attend the “Creative Worship” break-out session to experience Shalom, worship at George Fox University.

I enjoyed worshiping with these people, though I was merely one of the masses to them. The young artist worked on her canvas, and I noticed that she was barefoot, and I felt thrilled by her freedom. The young man with only a microphone stood up and tap danced as we sang. Our final song was an a cappella rendition of “This Little Light of Mine.” I have never experienced that song sung so heart fully before. The tap dancer then read for us Matthew 3:16-17.

Finally, Sarah stepped back up on the stage. She spoke to us for a bit and asked, “What is the inner name you go by? Is it ‘Anxious’? ‘Afraid’? ‘Overwhelmed’? Take some time to think about that then I invite you to come down and write that name on the projector. And then, if you wish, we will give you a new name. The name God has given you.”

My mind skimmed through the past few days. Wednesday was the beginning of Lent. I want to take Lent seriously this year, fully immerse myself in this period of time before we celebrate the resurrection of our Lord. I had already heard that Lent was not about showing the world how pious we Christians are or proving how self-disciplined we are. On Thursday evening at Bible study, Cora challenged us to think about what it is we’re holding onto the keeps us from fully receiving the love of Christ.

I entered into my time with the Lord on Friday morning with a sense of expectancy but also hesitancy and unpreparedness. I came before Him naked: I had no agenda, no perfect Bible verses picked out, no spiritual book with all the answers to run to. I had only Him and me.

And He spoke to my heart. He brought up many conversations I’ve had recently with people who love me and know me. He showed me that they all answer the same thing but I have clothed myself with an identity that has become too small and tattered but that I refuse to take off. This old identity I am wearing is pinching and rubbing in all the wrong places, causing me discomfort and pain, causing lack of sleep at night and a sense of being constantly overwhelmed and unhappy. My friends are simply trying to help me take off the old and put on the new, but the old has become such a habit for me I’m having a hard time believing there is a new.

Then I heard Jesus say, “Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you, and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart; and you shall find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy, and My burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30

Friday morning the Lord showed me that I carry a burden that is not my own but that I’ve claimed as my own. It’s the burden of guilt: guilt for everything I say or don’t say, do or don’t do, guilt that I get tired and need to rest, guilt that I have to create boundaries between myself and others, guilt that I feel overwhelmed by all the expectations and appointments and obligations, guilt that I cannot love the way I think a Christian is supposed to love.

“What is the inner name you go by?”

“Guilty,” I wrote on the projector.

As I walked away, Sarah handed me a nametag:

“Hello my name is Beloved.”

I clutched my new name, walked back to my seat, and began to sob. I just stood there with tears coursing down my face. For me, this nametag is an affirmation of what God has been trying to tell me for a long time.

“It was for freedom that Christ set us free; therefore keep standing firm and do not be subject again to a yoke of slavery.” Galatians 5:1

“If therefore the Son shall make you free, you shall be free indeed.” John 8:36

“For you have not received a spirit of slavery leading to fear [or guilt] again, but you have received a spirit of adoption as sons by which we cry out, ‘Abba! Father!’ The Spirit Himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God…” Romans 8:15-16

For Lent this year I am giving up this old identity; I am giving up being “Guilty”. That doesn’t mean I won’t apologize or feel bad when I’m wrong; it means I will try my best not to hold onto it. In other words, I am going to recognize that this is Jesus’ burden and He’s already got it; it rests squarely on His more-than-capable shoulders. That’s why it’s so light for those who come to Him.

“There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has set you free from the law of sin and of death. For what the Law could not do, weak as it was through the flesh, God did: sending His own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and as an offering for sin, He condemned sin in the flesh, in order that the requirement of the Law might be fulfilled in us, who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit.” Romans 8:1-4

“For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish, but have eternal life.” John 3:16

“See how great a love the Father has bestowed upon us, that we should be called children of God; and such we are.” 1 John 3:1a

I am not Guilty. I am Beloved.

Sovereignty and Sheep

On Sunday I visited Household of Faith Community Church to see my young friend, Kaleb, get baptized. While I was there I took the time to seek out a woman for whom I used to baby sit many years ago. When I called Lauri Tauscher’s name, she looked at me blankly for a moment, then recognition registered on her face and she joyfully wrapped her arms around me in one of the longest hugs of my life. She then took me to see her two older kids, the two I used to watch, and we stood and talked for awhile.

I’m not sure Lauri knows much about the past ten years of my life but I don’t think she really cares, either. At one point I mentioned “messing up my life” and she quickly turned to face me, looked me in the eye, and said, “You did not mess up your life. God is sovereign and He has always been in control.”

I have turned that over in my mind many times since she said that. I wonder that I could say, “God is almighty, God is omnipresent, God is in control,” and not understand that He was those things in my life even before I knew Him. It really is a change in perspective for me. I guess I figured that, since I had chosen to live without Him, He had chosen not to control my life. But a God who is sovereign can do naught but control my life.

This morning I read in Genesis, “…the God Who has been my shepherd all my life to this day…” 48:15. I think I would normally have thought, “How nice for Jacob,” but this time, with Lauri’s words still ringing in my head, I realized this is true for me as well; the Lord has been my shepherd all my life.

My friend Tiffany once shared a story of shepherds and their flocks. If a shepherd has a wayward sheep who constantly breaks away from the flock, the shepherd will break the sheep’s leg so it cannot walk on its own, then carry the sheep around on his shoulders until the leg is healed. By the time the sheep can walk on its own again, it has come to know its shepherd intimately and no longer attempts to stray.

This may seem, to some, a very inhumane way to deal with an animal, but I’m sure shepherds tried many ways to cure their flocks of this habit until they found one that worked. I doubt that any shepherd liked to break his sheep’s leg but knew that, in order to form that bond of trust that would keep the sheep alive, it had to be done.

In the Bible, God’s people are frequently referred to as sheep:

“For He is our God, and we are the people of His pasture, and the sheep of His hand.” Psalm 95:7


“For thus says the Lord God, ‘Behold, I Myself will search for My sheep and seek them out. As a shepherd cares for his herd in the day when he is among his scattered sheep, so I will care for My sheep and will deliver them from all the places to which they were scattered on a cloudy and gloomy day.’ ” Isaiah 34:11-12


“And you are My sheep, human sheep of My pasture, and I am your God, declares the Lord GOD.” Ezekiel 34:31

I have always been God’s sheep, and He has always been my Shepherd. He did not want to be the Shepherd from Whom I continually bolted from and so He allowed my legs to be broken so I could not walk without Him. Then, in the moment of my need, He gathered me up in His arms and laid me across His shoulders. What a beautiful picture of God’s faithfulness!

When Lauri reminded me that God was sovereign even when I didn’t know Him, I remembered one of the final verses of Genesis, “ ‘And as for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good in order to bring about this present result…’ ” 50:20. Years ago I shook my fist at God and turned my back on Him, living my life as opposite from how the Bible instructs as possible. On the surface it would seem that each step took me further and further from God, but in reality He was orchestrating everything until I was in a position to recognize Him as my Good Shepherd.

There’s a lot in my past that I have yet to forgive myself for. If I understand that God has always been sovereign in my life and recognize that the goal of life is not to live a stainless life but only to know and follow Jesus Christ, then I know I can forgive myself for what I have done and see these things not as “messing up my life” but “the steps that led me to Life.”

“ ‘My sheep hear My voice, and I know them, and they follow Me; and I give eternal life to them, and they shall never perish; and no one shall snatch them out of My hand. My Father, who has given them to Me, is greater than all; and no one is able to snatch them out of the Father’s hand. I and the Father are one.’ ” John 10:27-30

Lonely

I woke up this morning and realized that I am really lonely. It is at times like this that my singleness seems to become a suffocating burden. I laid in bed and talked to God, telling Him that I am just too lonely. I told Him that I feel as though He will withhold marriage until I have mastered this overbearing feeling of loneliness. He knows, however, that I cannot master this. What is the point of being so lonely?

“Why are you in despair, O my soul? And why have you become disturbed within me?” Psalm 42:5a

I’m around people all the time. Really I’m quite social but superficial society is not something that appeases my loneliness. If someone asks how I am I’m quite willing to be vulnerable but it’s usually at that moment that someone else walks in and the conversation is side-tracked. There’s no opportunity for depth in these situations.

The people I spend time with expect vulnerability from me but I can’t just sit down and pour my heart out just like that. I need a chance to warm up. I need some encouragement. I don’t actually think my struggles are important to other people so I have to get used to the thought that they actually do care before I can open up.

The part that baffles me the most is that, when I finally realize that I need company, everyone disappears. This never fails to happen. Friends will always tell you, “I’ll be there whenever you need me,” but it’s never really true; I can’t actually expect anyone to be there for me. I try calling and emailing but everyone’s busy.

Really I’m too picky. There are few people I’m willing to take this loneliness to. With most people I fear being a burden. With others I’m afraid of being misunderstood.

God, I’m lonely. For someone who seeks solitude, this is really confusing. How do I get out?

“Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him for the help of His presence.” Psalm 42:5b

I reach out to God but He’s not a magician who just fixes my problems. I reach out to Him and still I feel lonely. Then I feel like I must be doing something wrong. This is challenging to my faith. Where is God?

“I will say to God my rock, ‘Why have You forgotten me? Why do I go mourning because of the oppression of the enemy?’ ” Psalm 42:9

What struggle is this? Is it Satan whispering “lonely” into my ear, trying to make me believe I am alone? Is it Satan who is trying to keep me in the dark? Trying to keep alone so I cannot be supported by the body of Christ? I can hide in this darkness and continue in despair and be led toward sin or I can seek the light and see God be glorified (John 3:19-21).

“O send out Your light and Your truth, let them lead me; let them bring me to Your holy hill, and to Your dwelling places. Then I will go to the alter of God, to my exceeding joy; and upon the lyre I will praise You, O God, my God.” Psalm 42:3-4

Praise and Prayer

I want to start my prayer page by praising God. October 30th marks my 5th Christian birthday. I have the memory of that dreary autumn day firmly lodged in my head, and I also have a journal entry to mark that day forever as the day I found Life. I had been struggling with depression for many months and had finally reached the end of my rope. Just a few weeks previously I had told a friend that I didn’t know how much longer I could take it. She had replied, “Jesus can help you with that.”

I had grown up in a Christian family but had never really taken God seriously. Being a Christian was just the cool thing to do until I grew up and realized how much it restricted me (or at least that’s how I saw it then). I told God that if He wanted me, He’d have to come down and speak right to my face. God didn’t answer my request the way I demanded Him to and so I rebelled, turned my back on Him, and, in time, came to mock Christians and even the idea of there being a God.

I hadn’t liked my friend’s answer but it took root and grew until this day a few weeks later, when I sat on my bed and recorded my first prayer: “God, I don’t want to fake it this time. If I’m going to do this, I really want to know You. Let’s do this for real this time.”

God wouldn’t answer the prayer of my youth because it was made in pride and arrogance. I know now that He had to wait for me to be completely broken so I could understand how much I need Him. When I finally prayed out of this understanding, God showed up and changed my life. The tears of despair became tears of joy. I could smile again and my laughter lost its malicious edge. I began to hope and look forward to the days ahead. I saw His fingerprints everywhere I looked and began to experience the God I had put my faith in, leading me to deeper and deeper faith.

There’s a new (as of this summer) song playing on Christian radio that reminds me of that first year after I came to know the Lord. When I hear it, the memories flood my mind and I feel joy fit to burst and sometimes find myself crying. I want to share that song with you. Here’s a link to a slideshow on you tube: Born Again by Third Day

I ask that you praise the Lord with me as I celebrate 5 years as His child. Also, please pray that I continue to learn what it means to be His child, the love lavished on me, the faithful promises He has made. I hope someday to have so much confidence in who He says I am that I can finally throw all fears to the wind and simply serve Him.

Please pray also for my financial support; I need to raise about $300 in monthly commitments to be at full support. If you feel led to join my financial team or to increase the amount you are already giving, you can click on this link: support page

Finally, praise God that I am on staff with YD Adventures year-round now and pray that I learn how to do my job well and that I have wisdom in what responsibilities to take on here in the office.

Thank you for your prayers and your support! I appreciate that God has placed each of you in my life. It’s an incredible journey and I’m glad the Lord has not asked me to walk it alone.

Prayer Request

Hey friends!

I am on a trip starting Fri morning until Sun afternoon. The group is local to the Canby area. Please be praying for the group and the YD staff. Here are my specific prayer requests:

1. That students are challenged to live their faith/take their faith deeper.
2. Discernment for staff to see where God has been working in these students' lives.
3. Ability for staff to join God in this work.
4. That the Lord continues the good work He began during (and probably long before) the missions trip these kids were on earlier this summer.
5. That the Lord would reveal Himself in awesome and wonderful ways.

Thank you! I appreciate your willingness to pray!

Adventure

My solo day today was spent on Angel’s Rest in the Gorge. The hike up was awesome but not as satisfying as I’d hoped. I wanted to talk to God the whole way up - like one would a friend one is hiking with - but kept fantasizing about things instead. I have a problem with my imagination; it’s always running away with me.

One thing was established on the way up. During 4th of July weekend, I believe God gave me a hint of something my future may hold. However, it’s a long way off, if it ever happens at all. I can’t disclose what, exactly, He has told me but I can tell you that it scares me. Not in a “that’s a horrible thing I hope it never happens!” way but in a “Is that even possible?” way. But with the knowledge that He may call me to something I see as impossible, I know that all things are possible through Christ who strengthens me.

On our way up to Angel’s Rest I told Him, “I will go.” To which He responded, “Be still.”

The God of heaven and earth is the most exasperating individual in all of eternity! It seems to me as though that is the most frequent answer to all my prayers. Sometimes I want to ask, “What is this ‘Be still’ crap?”

Thankfully “Be still” is not the same thing as “Do nothing.” For now I will “Be still” while continuing to do ministry through YD Adventures, finding a part time job to pay off my debt, and serving the Lord in other small but meaningful ways. I can only do the things He has set before me to do and wait until He tells me to take the next step.

I’ll tell you one thing; my life has not ceased being an adventure since I gave it to Christ. It’s not always easy or fun but it’s frequently challenging and always worth living. Jesus did, after all, tell us that He came so we could have life to the full (John 10:10).

But that takes believing in and following Jesus. God created us for Himself and so we can never have life to the full as long as we are living it for ourselves. “Be still,” He tells us, “and know that I am God.” What does it mean to know He is God? It means to understand that He is Lord and Creator, that He holds all power and all our rights, that He is the author of our faith and the inventor of grace, that He is love, and then to respond by bending our knees and bowing our heads in surrender and proclaiming, “He is God!”

I write this and at the same time realize that I have to go through this process daily. I am only human and it is a struggle to give up my selfishness and let Christ rule in my heart. But I would rather have God’s adventure for my life than my own selfish ways any day.

Light

“If God allows the sun to shine upon you moment by moment, without intermission, will not God let His life shine upon you every moment? And why have you not experienced it? Because you have not trusted God for it, and you do not surrender yourself absolutely to God in that trust.” *Murray, 8

“In Him was life, and the life was the light of men. And the light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not comprehend it.” John 1:4-5

What the light reveals in us is death (“… for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God…” Romans 3:23; “For the wages of sin is death…” Romans 6:23a). We do not trust God so we close all the blinds of our soul, hoping to shut out the light (“And this is the judgment, that the light is come into the world, and men loved the darkness rather than the light; for their deeds were evil” John 3:19). What we don’t realize is that we are hiding nothing from the light; it sees all (“Even the darkness is not dark to You, and the night is as bright as the day. Darkness and light are alike to You.” Psalm 139:12). We are merely blinding ourselves from the light and what it reveals, effectively keeping us from discovering the life this light provides.

“…but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 6:23b

“There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has set you free from the law of sin and of death.” Romans 8:1-2

“…I came that they might have life, and might have it abundantly.” John 10:10b

* “Absolute Surrender” by Andrew Murray

Controlled By Love?

My decision to do lectio with 2 Cor 5:14-15 this morning was made because verse 15 says, “…they who live should no longer live for themselves…” because I very much so want to learn, in my heart, that life does not revolve around me.

And so I read:

“For the love of Christ controls us, having concluded this, that one died for all, therefore all died; and He died for all, that they who live should no longer live for themselves, but for Him who died and rose again on their behalf.”

That very first line, “For the love of Christ controls us…” struck me hard. I am controlled by my lusts and passions, by my hates. I am a slave to sin! If only I was controlled by the love of Christ!

Although I don’t think I fully grasp the next part, “…that one died for all, therefore all died…” it did strike me as I read it and the part after, “… and He died for all..” that God died. That should be the most momentous occasion in all of history! Good thing it was “only” God in the flesh that died; if His Spirit were destroyed (which is impossible), we would all be snuffed out, “…for in Him we live and move and exist…” Acts 17:28. Without God, we cannot exist.

How do I accept the sacrifice of God dying on my behalf (I am not controlled by His love but by sin thus I deserve death but His death gave me life if I choose to accept His sacrifice, which I have.)? I suppose, simply (“simple” in theory), that I would die to myself and live for Him, thus living controlled by His love.

It actually kind of shocks me, thinking about it now, how I have accepted His death on my behalf and yet do not live controlled by His love. What a slap in God’s face!

Today

"Oh Lord, You have searched me and known me." Psalm 139:1


Today I invited God to see the rotten core inside me...


...and He told me He loves me.

From My Journal

“Oh Lord, You have searched me and known.” Psalm 139:1

During yesterday’s lectio divina I heard God speak through this verse about the intimacy He and I have with one another. Through this verse today He spoke to me of the Holy Spirit; I was reaching inside myself to hear Him and I thought, “Why would I do that? Where is God?” I remembered the Holy Spirit and then Romans 8:26-27 came to mind.

Lord, I am kneeling here wondering how I could give You my life then snatch it back; how could I give You my life then build walls so You can’t have it? When I try to do this lectio, when I try to be quiet before You, I sense those walls. And even though I built them, I am powerless to knock them down. I can do nothing; You must do it.

So I give You my walls.

Letter to a Friend

About support, I am feeling frustrated and impatient. I am closer to my goal by not by any effort of my own. I know this sounds ungrateful but I really wish some of MY efforts were paying off. I am told to keep calling, keep emailing, keep harassing people about meetings and money and pledges and meanwhile God is doing His own thing… over there. He recently asked me to “be still and wait” but how do I balance that with this whole support raising thing (rhetorical question: I don’t expect an answer)? How much being still and waiting do I do and how much support raising do I do?

About the other stuff… maybe I should warn you now that I love to write and I’m definitely a talker. Sorry?

I received another coupon from eHarmony the other day and am strongly tempted to sign up. I have been praying about it but don’t feel as though any specific answer is forthcoming. I do feel that God asking me to “be still and wait” was to incorporate my entire life, not just support raising. I want to feel a peace about eHarmony before I sign up but the temptation is getting too strong and I will probably cave before I get any solid direction from God.

I realized this morning that I feel ashamed to be struggling with this marriage thing again/still. I’m ashamed to want marriage when it’s not even on the horizon, as if I should have figured out by now that it’s not for me and I am a fool to think otherwise. Somehow it’s been lodged in my head that there must be something wrong with me because no man wants me; I’m not sexy enough, smart enough, mysterious enough, feminine enough, strong enough, etc. In my head I know that I really just don’t understand that God loves me. I spent some time this morning looking up scripture about His love but it all seemed so impersonal, as though none of it was written for me, about me, to me.

I read a few chapters in “Passion and Purity” as well this morning and one thing Elliot wrote caught my eye, “My heart was saying, ‘Lord take away this longing or give me that for which I long.’ The Lord was answering, ‘I must teach you to long for something better.’” And then she quoted from Deut 8:3, “And He humbled you and let you be hungry, and fed you with manna which you did not know, nor did your father know, that He might make you understand that man does not live by bread alone, but man lives by everything that proceeds out of the mouth of the Lord.”

James 1:2 came to mind at one point this morning, “Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials.” I know my trials are not life-or-death but they are making me ask questions, “What is it I am seeking? What is it I want? What do I need?” These questions will help me strip down to the very core of my desires so I can see how much I need God and how satisfying - and true! - is His everlasting love for me.

So I am choosing to exult in these trials. I’ll still cry and struggle and feel anger and frustration but I know He’s working something deep down inside of me; I know that He is creating in me a pure hunger for the Bread of Life.

And now it sounds like I think I’m all cool and all that. It’s not true! I still have so much to struggle through. But I think just writing this letter has been a great way of processing all my thoughts and feelings. Thank you for reading. : )

Be Still and Wait... Some More

I hate that I am so limited in my understanding that often, when God is doing something in my life, I totally take it the wrong way. He’s certainly teaching me wisdom but, man, I’m used to catching on a lot faster than this! And it’s not that I’m stupid but more likely that the lessons He’s teaching me are hard ones that will need to be learned over and over throughout my life and to greater depths at each learning.

Lately God has been revealing to me sin after sin after sin. At each revelation I develop an elaborate plan to tackle this newly revealed sin and eradicate it from my life. The next day He reveals something new and I’m like, “Really? Ok, how do we deal with this one?” And then the next day it’s still something else and I start to feel overwhelmed because I’m trying to remember to pray on my knees, love everyone, never get snappy, feed the poor, clothe the naked, surrender my desire to be married, pray more, fast from everything I like (coffee, wine, chocolate, ice cream, eating out, bathing… j/k) and, seriously, who wouldn’t be overwhelmed? Meanwhile I’m supposed to be working on my support but - hello! - who has time? I have to fix all my sins! I have to get rid of all these other distractions.

And, really, that’s all they are - distractions. I can conceive a million plans to “fix all my sins” but is that what God’s really asking of me? Is that really why He’s showing me these things? Am I really being faithful if I’m constantly being distracted from what’s been set before me?

Fund raising to join the team at YD Adventures is what’s been set before me. If all these other things are just distractions, why is God showing them to me?

I don’t know. But I have learned a few things lately.

When I lost my job at Bella Café I looked at what I had left to raise to reach my goal and thought, “Pshaw, that’s nothing. If I put my nose to the grindstone, I’ll be done by February.” So I did just that. And have as yet to raise a single penny from my own efforts. “Get to work,” I tell myself. “Be faithful,” I remind myself. But I haven’t had a single appointment in over a month!

I am closer to my goal but it’s trickling in and everything that’s come in thus far has had nothing to do with me and everything to do with God alone. Do you know how frustrating this is?? I’m not trying to be a jerk, I just wish some of MY efforts were paying off. I feel like all I’m doing is wasting my time!

The final straw came Thurs night at Bible study. All evening I’d been hearing God say, “Be still and wait…” and was contemplating whether or not “be still” and “wait” are ever found in the same verse when a friend asked me how I was doing on support ministry. I began to vent and worked myself up until I said, “I want to call up our support coach and tell her ‘IT’S NOT WORKING!!!!’” The capitals indicate that I was screaming. I heard other people in the room say, “Whoa!” and a few friends came out of the kitchen to check and make sure everything was ok. “Crap,” I thought to myself, “that was immature. Way to go, Raychel.” My friend began to talk while I brooded in self-pity but then I suddenly realized my friend had just said…

“… What did you just say?” I asked.

“Put me down for 100 a month. The Lord’s really put you on my heart and I think I need to be supporting you.” I just sat there, completely dazed.

“Is this what I get for throwing a temper tantrum?” I silently asked God. But I knew that was wrong. I was not being rewarded for screaming. This was probably the most humbling “support raising meeting” in all of history. God was being faithful in the midst of my doubting. He is steadfast and good and I am a sick little human whose efforts are futile. Everything comes from God.

I went home, got on e-Sword and did a search for “be still and wait”. I had it on the ESV version and found myself staring at Psalm 37:7, “Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him…” Then verse 8 goes on to say, “Refrain from anger and forsake wrath! Fret not yourself; it tends only to evil.”

Here is a choice set before me. I can choose to “be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him” or I can be all stressed out and take things into my own hands. The first choice is what God is asking of me. It’s difficult because I like tangible tasks producing tangible results and that’s not what support raising is yielding right now, but it’s what God is asking. The second choice is plain disobedience, which is the essence of sin. It will not yield the results I’m looking for and will probably cause me to harden my heart toward God.

I’m not stupid so I know which one I’ll choose.

My pastor spoke last week of “baby steps” toward the person we want to be or the things we want to get better at. What “baby steps” are required in being still and waiting? I think Psalm 37 provides that answer when it says, “Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness. Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust Him, and He will act.” vs3-5

What better direction do I need?

I still don’t know why He keeps showing me all the areas in which I sin but I do know that developing elaborate plans to “fix all my sins” is just me taking things into my own hands, no matter how Godly the façade I try to hide it under. Just be still before the Lord, Raychel, and wait patiently for Him. Trust Him. Commit your way to Him. Set your eyes on Him and allow Him to be the center.

That’s it. I seriously don’t know anything else, only what He’s asked me to do. Funny, it’s the same lesson He was teaching me a year ago… Be still and wait…

Proverbs 7:1-4

“My son, keep my words, and treasure my commandments within you. Keep my commandments and live, and my teaching as the apple of your eye. Bind them on your fingers; write them on the tablet of your heart. Say to wisdom, ‘You are my sister,’ and call understanding your intimate friend…” Proverbs 7:1-4

“Do not judge lest you be judged.” Matt 7:1

“You shall not take vengeance, nor bear any grudge against the sons of your people, but you shall love your neighbor as yourself; I am the Lord.” Leviticus 19:18

“And I shall delight in Thy commandments, which I love.” Psalm 119:47

One thing I have found that does not change between employees at Bella’s and those at Starbucks is the attitude toward customers; they all bitch about customers the same. It might be that the customer doesn’t talk loudly enough, wants whip cream on a nonfat mocha, or didn’t ask for ham on their sandwich and has an attitude when they receive a ham sandwich; it really doesn’t matter; the baristas always get pissy.

I’m trying so hard not to develop this same attitude. It’s hard! I have to bite back comments frequently.

Every time one forms in my mind I know my coworker will get a kick out of it but then I think about what might have made the customer behave that way and I realize that I am being judgmental and unloving.

Keep reminding me, Lord. Please help me not to fall into the trap of complaining about every customer’s little idiosyncrasies. Allow me the privilege of seeing things more from their perspective and just loving them because they’re my neighbors.

It’s not just to be like Jesus but because I love You and I love Your commandments. You’ve said these things for a reason; let Your words not fall on deaf ears.

Deep Calls to Deep

I think I am very blessed because occasionally, as I stumble down the road of life, I remember to follow my heart. It’s becoming more frequent but for now I can only be glad for the rare times that it happens.

This summer I decided to begin reading through Proverbs, one chapter every day, each chapter corresponding to the day of the month. I wasn’t sure what to expect but I thought I’d try, at least. I have found this book to be a pleasure to read. It’s delightful to read something out of Proverbs and be reminded of something Jesus said; it’s exciting to find that I am that familiar with the Bible.

On Sunday I read:

“The purposes of a man’s heart are deep waters, but a man of understanding draws them out.” Proverbs 20:5

First I was reminded of Psalm 42:7;

“Deep calls to deep in the sound of Your waterfalls; all Your waves and breakers have swept over me.”

Then I thought, is this man of understanding supposed to be Jesus?

So I checked to see if that verse referenced any other verses and found that it did:

“He reached down from on high and took hold of me; He drew me out of deep waters.” Psalm 18:16

I suddenly felt the desire to be alone with these verses somewhere where I could hear the crash of water, the roar of the deep. The desire was nearly overwhelming and I knew I would have to find the chance to escape as soon as possible. I called Cora Monday afternoon to get a few ideas and Tuesday I embarked on a mini adventure at Silver Falls State Park.

I left the Emersons’ just past 7:00, just as the sun lifted her warm, brazen face over the mountains and began to fight off the cold and the clouds. It was a beautiful morning but too early to know who the victor would be, sun or clouds, and I found myself wondering whether I’d brought enough clothes. The drive took longer than I expected but I love the country so I leaned into the curves of the road with zeal and wound my way to the park.

I reached the trail head and gazed along the path. I’d been to Silver Falls State Park only once, about three years ago, so today I would be exploring. I spent some time feeling indecisive; where should I start? Where should I go? I first tried Upper North Falls but, once I got there, decided that was not where I was meant to be. I finally decided on North Falls and took off along the Canyon Trail.

It was short but sweet. The path followed alongside the creek. I walked along, staring at the forest, until I came upon a set of stairs. I walked down the stairs, wondering when I would cross the creek and how close the waterfall was, then realized that the creek was plunging downward right beside me. The stairs ended and the path curved abruptly back on itself. The trail seemed to be carved out of rock that jutted out over the path. If I was taller, I would have to stoop. The trees blocking my view of the waterfall thinned and I saw that all the water shot out of a small fissure of rock and tumbled 136 feet to a dark pool below. Looking up, it seemed as if the forest ended abruptly. How can the forest sit on that slab of rock? I wondered, for just below the forest a rock cliff protruded, like a child’s pouty lower lip, and rolled back in to create a cavern-like indentation. The path was etched through the back of the cavern, behind the waterfall.

I was delighted. Ideally, I had wanted to sit behind a waterfall, but short of a 5 mile hike along Eagle Creek in the Gorge, I had no idea where to find a waterfall I could sit behind. God had provided. There were even little benches set up inside the cavern.

I “set up camp” on one bench, pulling out my journal, Bible, and pens. I opened my journal and wrote:

“Deep calls to deep in the sound of Thy waterfalls; all Thy breakers and Thy waves have rolled over me.”

Pushing me down, pushing, pushing, encouraging me toward the depths of my own heart.
Who are you? What are you doing here?

Pushing. Deeper.

I must search the deep.

I thought of the time I got stuck in a riptide at Rockaway Beach. The surf had pounded against me, pushing me down. But I had a pfd on and I could only go down so far before I popped back up.

Then I thought of the time I listened to a speaker from Imago Dei tell of an experience he had while surfing. A wave had crashed over him and pulled him down, down, down. Somewhere down there, under the ocean, time stopped for the intrepid surfer and he experienced God; the deep pounded around him like a heartbeat of enormous proportions. He did not fear; God is love.

All Thy breakers and Thy waves have rolled over me, pushing me down.

I don’t want a life jacket for this; I don’t want to hover at the surface.

My voice sounded small next to the roar of the waterfall. I was attempting lectio divina, “sacred reading”. It was sacred; God was there. I invited Him to be a part of what I was doing and then I corrected myself:

No, I’m asking that I can share this with You; that You’ll let me be a part of what You’re doing.

Deep calls to deep… it’s the searching of the Holy Spirit within my own soul. “Do you trust Me?” He asks. Mostly I do, Lord. In my mind, certainly. In my heart? Mostly.

“He reached down and took hold of me; He drew me out of deep waters.” Psalm 18:16

I was here reminded of the lyrics of my current theme song:

Whatever You’re doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there’s peace
And though it’s hard to surrender
To what I can’t see
I’m giving in to something heavenly

Except I’m lacking the peace part I wrote.

I began to think of how, in training, we learned that if ever we got stuck swimming in a low head dam, we would need to allow the current to sweep us to the bottom of the river, then crawl along the bottom until we were free of the swirling current. That is the only way out. Horror story! I think it would be natural for any human (who wasn’t in counter panic) to try and fight their way out. I would probably swim my hardest to try and get out - and get wrapped up in all the debris also stuck in the churning waters.

I am stuck in chaotic, churning waters. I’m struggling, constantly struggling, trying to find the surface. In my attempts I am merely entangling myself worse than before, creating more sin and attempting to avoid facing the consequences thereof.

This song by Sanctus Real uses the word “surrender”. Have I done that? I’m experiencing the chaos but not so much the peace. If I surrender, I am assured that He will reach down from on high and take hold of me and draw me out of deep waters. Why? Because He delights in me (Psalm 18:19b). So simple.

Deep calls to deep. The Holy Spirit is present. Surrender to Jesus, to God, and let Him draw me out. Me! The King of heaven and earth asks me to surrender so He can draw the Raychel He created out of deep waters and allow her to stand, free of sin, and live a life worthy of the calling of Jesus.

“I love You, oh Lord, my strength.
The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge.
He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.
I call to the Lord, who is worthy of praise, and I am saved from my enemies…
“He reached down from on high and took hold of me; he drew me out of deep waters.
He rescued me from my powerful enemy, from my foes, who were too strong for me.
They confronted me in the day of my disaster, but the Lord was my support.
He brought me out into a spacious place; He rescued me because He delighted in me.”
Psalm 18:1-3, 16-19

Grace and Mercy

A couple weekends ago God was speaking to me about something I didn't really want to hear. I've been reading through the Gospels again (you really can't do that too much or too often) but this time much, much more slowly than ever before and the Bible I've been using is a chronological one. One morning I read a part from Luke 4 after Jesus went to His home town and read and taught from Isaiah:

“All spoke well of Him and were amazed at the gracious words that came from His lips. 'Isn't this Joseph's son?' they asked.
“Jesus said to them, 'Surely you will quote this proverb to me: “Physician, heal yourself! Do here in your hometown what we have heard that you did in Capernaum.”' Luke 4:22-23

My parents are proud to share that when I was a baby they had me dedicated and the one who did the dedication was the founder of their church, John Robert Stevens. They also love to brag that my dedication became something special for my dad; JRS laid hands on my dad and prophesied that he would be a prophet of love.

I've heard this over and over throughout my life but over the years it has lost its special flavor and become moldy and unpalatable.

A prophet of love, eh? Show me, dad, where's the love in your family? How do you show your love to your family? Oh, wait, you messed up, didn't you.

“Physician, heal yourself!”

I'm pretty sure I want as much ammo against my dad as possible so I have excuses not to engage in a relationship with him. But then God started showing me about the difference between grace and mercy.

Grace is God's (and our) ability to forgive. Mercy is what that relationship looks like after the forgiveness happens. Grace and mercy are both a two-way street.

In order to accept God's grace, we must recognize that we have been living in sin, that God has every right and reason to reject us, but that, if we accept His forgiveness, we can receive His grace and live in a right relationship to Him. The “right relationship” is mercy. Once we have accepted His grace, we can have a relationship with Him through prayer, reading our Bibles, and fellowship. But we must be able to accept that His grace gives us the opportunity to relate to Him, and then be willing to spend time developing that relationship. God never withholds grace or mercy from us; what He wants more than anything is relationships with His children.

Then He tells us to forgive and live in “right relationships” with one another. I have been working on extending grace to my dad but I have been very unwilling to extend mercy. In other words, I am withholding myself from a relationship with him – in a sense, punishing him for being a weird and distant father.

This doesn't mean that our relationship should look like every perfect father-daughter relationship, or should be everything he ever dreamed it could be. God can give all of Himself. Often we cannot – and I think that's alright. When my dad calls me “baby” or kisses me on the back of the neck, he makes me feel uncomfortable; we're not that close and I can't pretend that we are so I have every right to ask him to stop. Still, I should find time to sit down at a meal with him and have a conversation, maybe call his phone every once in a while to see how he's doing.

I don't need any more ammo against my dad; what I need is to obey my Lord and remember what it cost Him to give us Himself. He wanted relationships with us so badly that He was willing to give up His Son's life. His Son asked us to be like the Father, forgiving and being merciful to one another.

“Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.” Luke 6:36

I'm not giving myself excuses but it's really hard to put into practice. When I'm around my dad I feel nearly repelled by him; I want nothing to do with him at all. A friend of mine recently said, “Pray about that specifically! Pray about it a lot.” And so I shall.

I finished “Bright Evening Star” by Madeleine L'Engle and I strongly recommend it. I have requested another of her books from the library because I liked this one so much.

Be Still

My job at the warehouse has been very interesting. My boss is a character and the job itself has been physically difficult. When I first started this job I told myself I was going to work my butt off – and I have!! I have worked fast and hard and never once complained about anything. I’ve been so very proud of myself for my performance; except for YD, I have never before purposefully and consistently worked as hard as I can.

But I felt as if something were wrong. My boss never told me, “Good job.” He never said, “You worked really hard today, thank you.” This has been on my mind quite a bit and I finally came to the conclusion that he didn’t affirm easily and so I decided to be secure in the knowledge that I am working as hard as I can.

Meanwhile, I have stored up stories for whoever wants to hear them. I mean, the guy (my boss) is just a nut! It wasn’t long after I met him that he became firmly established in my mind as a fool. There’s just no other way to describe him. I delighted in sharing with people all the quirky and crazy things he had to say.

Like one morning as he was showing me how to put together fly reels. “I’ve been thinking about why God put you here,” he said to me.

“Oh yeah?”

“I think you’re here so I can help you heal from all the bad male relationships in your past,” he arrogantly proclaimed. Ok.

One day, just as I was leaving, we started talking about Christian books (i.e. “Confessions” by Augustine or “Mere Christianity” by C.S. Lewis). “I’m just reading the Bible right now because I feel like I have to make up for 30 years of not reading it,” he told me.

“Then you should definitely be reading the Bible.”

“First I want to know what Jesus said. Then I want to become familiar with the words of Paul. Then I want to see what the prophets had to say to people who didn’t want to follow God so I know how to curse sinners.” !!!!!!!!

Monday I was asked to put together some fly line. I had just finished the task (I thought), my cd was nearly over (less than 30 seconds), and it was just past 11:00 (break time!) so I thought, “I’ll just enjoy the end of this song and then go ask for a break.” I had just leaned back on the counter when Dave walked in. Crap! I was quick to tell him that I had just finished my task and hadn’t been leaning long but I was pretty sure he didn’t believe me. But I shrugged it off.

The next morning when I showed up the first thing Dave said was, “There’s one line sitting back there on the bench. I thought I asked you to do all of them?”

I felt myself become instantly defensive. “I thought I did do them all. I’ll go check.” I marched back there feeling self-righteous and defiant only to find that I had, indeed, forgotten one whole line. My memory of the day before, leaning on the counter, came back to me. Another thought flashed across my mind as well. I once heard Dave say about someone, “I just don’t see Jesus in his life.” I kind of get the feeling he says the same thing about me when I’m not around. I know Jesus is very much so in my life but having someone not believe that kind of bugs me (esp. a fool like him, right?). I had another realization but hold on a moment and allow me to mention something else.

My book study group is currently going through “Mere Christianity”. One of the chapters we discussed Monday evening was about pride; C.S. Lewis considers it “the great sin”. We went around and mentioned one area in which we struggle with pride. Like so many people, pride is one of my hugest problems, but I couldn’t come up with a single example at that moment. So I prayed, “Lord, show me.” The next morning I prayed the same thing again, along with, “… and humble me,” at the same time thinking, “Alright, I’m in for it now!” I mean, you don’t usually pray for humility and then later (in the humble moment) think, “Sweet, God’s answering my prayer!”

Anyway, my realization was that God was answering my prayer. I’m pretty sure the man “doesn’t see Jesus in my life”; the day before he caught me leaning up against a counter; now I was being confronted with a stupid mistake I’d made (and he really did seem unusually upset over such a small thing). God was purposefully making me look like a fool to this man whom I thought was a fool. How humiliating!

Another thing suddenly struck me. When I was job hunting it occasionally occurred to me that I had never mastered the art of submitting to my bosses. It was like God was just kind of reminding me that that was an area in which I really needed to work and I would always push the thought away, “I’m not there yet,” I would think.

My pastor’s sermon from a couple weeks ago blazed into my mind and I remember him saying that when God wants us to learn something in particular, He keeps us in that situation or ones like it so we can learn.

Had I ever “submitted” to Dave as my boss? Heck no! I’d decided early on that he was just a kook. Who submits to a kook?

Of course I was looking like a fool! I may continue to look like a fool the entire time I know him. As I wrote in my journal Tuesday afternoon, “What’s important is that I learn to submit to the man when he reprimands me and be humble about my mistakes.”

But the realizations were not done with me yet. I was reflecting on how, lately, I look at people as they speak to me and think about how much God loves them. I don’t feel that way about Dave. But during book study we discussed something C.S. Lewis said: “Do not waste your time bothering whether you ‘love’ your neighbor; act as if you did. As soon as we do this we find one of the great secrets. When you are behaving as if you loved someone, you will presently come to love him.”

It now appeared as if my mission at W.W. Grigg was to learn humility, submission, and to love the unlovable.

I felt as though I really needed to open my Bible to something about fruits of the Spirit. Just as I was about to flip it open I felt God say, “Here, let me do that.” So I let it flip open at random and read the first thing I set eyes on. Haha, get this: “I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful.” John 15:1-2. More fruitful!! Whoo-hoo!! I’m being pruned!! At this point, I couldn’t wait to be pruned.

As the day progressed, I was told I’d made quite a few more mistakes. I took it cheerfully, now that I knew what was going on. I really felt like the Spirit was urging me to tell Dave I was sorry for all the mistakes I’d been making but I never found a moment in which to do so. I determined to say it the next day.

Here’s what I wrote in my journal the next morning:

I think this is all part of being still and coming to know that You are God. There is nothing to fear in this situation; there should be no pride or arrogance; there’s no cause for a self righteous attitude. You are pruning me and helping the gifts of Your Spirit to flourish. You are teaching me to rely on You. You are teaching me to stop worrying, stressing, feeling angry, etc., and just know You’re there taking care of everything.

“[The Spirit] comes from the Father, who looked down with unspeakable good pleasure on the humiliation and obedience and self-sacrifice of Christ, as the highest proof of his surrender to him.”

“[Christ] desires to manifest his likeness in us and to give us a full share of all that is his.” (quotes from “The Prayer Life” by Andrew Murray)

The words from the first sentence seem familiar to me; I think that’s what You are working on in me. You are doing this so the second sentence can be true.

How could I not be excited about being pruned? I just read those verses again and I am so excited! Of course, it’s the actual sitting in the moment that is hard. Probably when I get to work Dave will say something that will trigger anger, frustration, something.

When I got to work, I continued to feel urged by the Spirit to apologize for all the mistakes I’d been making. I finally went into Dave’s office and did that. Phew! I got an ear full! Dave just started telling me that there were other people who wanted the job, that when he walked in and saw me leaning on the bench the other day he was done with me, that he needs people who are willing to work hard and I wasn’t doing that, He was glad I was reading the Word but when he comes in and finds that I’m doing it on his time that frustrates him, and on and on and on.

I just stood there and ate it. I ate it all. This whole time I thought I was working my butt off and have been feeling very proud of myself and I just ate it. How terribly painful!

Then the tirade morphed. He began telling me that He didn’t have time to spend with God, that he couldn’t sleep at night because he was trying to figure out the next step for his business before he went bankrupt, that he was still struggling over the fact that Krista had been pregnant but God took the baby away.

At one point he was done and I felt the Spirit urge me to offer to pray for him. So I told home I would be praying for him. That wasn’t good enough for God so He roused Dave into more talking until I finally had the courage to say, “Can I pray for you right now?” I hate praying out loud in front of people! After I prayed he told me that was the best thing to happen all day “so far”. I told him I want to work hard for him, then the conversation was over and I went back out to the warehouse.

I spent the rest of the day in silence, thinking hard and feeling like crap. I still think I’ve been working hard this whole time and God just put blinders on Dave’s eyes so all this would happen. I fully believe that it serves a purpose that is quite possibly beyond me. I will work as hard as I can but I think the biggest change will be in my attitude toward Dave and he may (or may not and there’s nothing I can do about it) see this as a change in my performance.

As I left for the day I told Dave thank you for being honest with me. He started telling me about how when he walks into the warehouse he gets a snapshot of things from the past and he’s just enabled so many people and been backed into corners and had to learn how to bite back (I think that may have been an apology). Then he said he’s told Mary earlier that never has he received an offer of prayer from someone he’d just bitten. “That was really cool,” he said.

I am learning humility, submission, and to love the unlovable. Apparently Dave needed to see Jesus and somehow, through my painful learning process, he did. I can only hope.

I am learning humility, submission, and to love the unlovable, and all of this is teaching me to be still and know that He is God.

And I have so, so far to go. But what an amazing journey!