”In this you greatly rejoice, even though now for a little while, if necessary, you will have been distressed by various trials, that the proof of your faith, being more precious than gold which is perishable, even though tested by fire, may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.” 1 Peter 1:6-7
I would first like to recognize that my trials have not been persecution and possible torture or death because of what I believe. The early Christians and current Christians who face these sorts of trials are greatly admired. My trials are far shallower than theirs but they are still refining me and bringing praise and glory and honor to my God.
For two years now I have struggled with depression, anxiety, and insomnia. The combination has left me drained and feeling absolutely useless. As a result I have struggled with guilt and blame, which has only increased my anxiety and thus my depression. As I face this autumn, once again the dread is back. It is not, however, as bad as it has been in the past; thank God for man's ability to manipulate chemicals so I can feel better (I began anti-depressant in May). I am in a different place today; I'm looking forward to a fall and winter in which I have the energy to be involved in the life Christ has called me to live.
In the midst of the storm I clung to Romans 8:28; now, as I step out of the clouds, I can see the silver lining. This depression has impacted me in ways I never would have expected. Good ways. I want to share these good ways because I remember sitting on my bed crying out to the Lord, “How can this possibly glorify You?”
Deeper faith: “...fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith...” Hebrews 12:2
As I struggled with depression, I also struggled with my faith. It was depression that brought me to Christ in the first place; to return to that place of sadness and anger has been scary. I often wondered if I had somehow failed Christ and, as a result, had missed out on His healing powers in my life. Worse, I wondered if Christ had failed me. But I clung to Him nonetheless, and, as a result, have experienced His love in tangible ways I never would have known had I not walked through this storm. I look back now and see that walking with the Lord through depression has built for me a solid foundation on which to stand.
Joy: “Weeping may last for the night, but a shout of joy comes in the morning.” Psalm 30:5
I am amazingly aware of a deep sense of joy inside of me, and I am incredibly thankful for it (there are not enough adjectives out there to express this properly). Having felt a desperate lack of joy for so long, I have completely embraced this new joy and allowed mirth free reign in my life. When you see me laughing, know that the joy I am experiencing is deep because I have fought for it for nearly two years.
Sleep: “In peace I will both lie down an d sleep, for You alone make me to dwell in safety.” Psalm 4:8
I am thankful for every good night's sleep I get. I didn't realize before how precious sleep can be but after having gone without it (almost completely) for a year, I now know how valuable it is and I praise God for how easily I slip into sleep these days.
Impact on others: “Bear one another's burdens, and thus fulfill the law of Christ.” Galatians 6:2
One of the mistakes I made early on was to isolate myself because I didn't want others to have to “put up with” me. I've hated to admit that I was struggling, but I suppose that's pride. It is good for the Body of Christ to step up and love one another as we wrestle through the hard times. True, it is hard for people to watch their loved one struggle but it is an opportunity for people to grow in compassion, empathy, patience, and many other Godly qualities. I have had a few close friends walk with me through this depression, praying for me, crying with me, holding me, and watching out for me. I think each of these people would admit that it was a trial to walk alongside me during this dark time, but also that there was much they learned from it.
Then there are the girls I have come across who also struggle with depression. It has been an honor and a blessing to speak into their lives, to be able to connect on such a deep level, to share something that many other people just can't relate to, and to talk about our struggles with our faith in all of this. If this were the only reason God had me walk through depression, I'd be satisfied. Yet, in His omniscient goodness, that is not the only reason.
Patience and Perseverance: “And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope...” Romans 5:3-4
It takes time for the Lord to transform us, and it's rarely a pleasant process (I can hear the gold screaming as it faces the furnace). In this process, as the things I've already mentioned have been revealed to me, I see more clearly than ever before the value of patience and perseverance. I must learn to stand in the discomfort or the pain and know that this truly is good. If I can stand firm and face my trials with patience and perseverance, I will experience much healing that cannot happen when I try to escape (through addictions, numbness, certain behaviors, etc). Also, I will experience the love of God in tangible ways as He walks with me through the fire.
Reevaluate my life: “Be still and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in all the earth.” Psalm 46:10
Depression has caused me to dramatically slow down my life. While that has been very frustrating to me, the Lord has used it to make me reevaluate my motives and to realign my desires to His. Why was I trying so hard to do as much as I could? So I could prove myself. And what does God think about that? “All the ways of a man are clean in his own sight, but the Lord weighs the motives” (Proverbs 16:2). “...And all of our righteous deeds are like a filthy garment...” (Isaiah 64:6). Yikes! Scary! Once our executive director at YD Adventures told us that, if ministry is getting in the way of our relationship with God, He will take us out of it. I think that's exactly what God did, slowing me down so I could come back to a place of experiencing His love and serving Him out of love instead of a sense of obligation.
To be continued... right? “The Lord is not slow about His promise, as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, no wishing for any to perish but for all to come to repentance.” 2 Peter 3:9
I laughed the first time I read that verse. It's just one of those verses that reminds me that it's not all about me. God has this perfect, beautiful plan and, in truth, it's not us being patient with Him, but the opposite; He is so utterly patient with us. As I grow to reflect my Lord more and more clearly, one thing I desire is for people to see me in the trials and say, “That woman has no fear. She trusts her God to do good. I want to know Christ too.”
Saturday, October 22, 2011
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Delight in the Lord
Before I became a lover of Christ, I thought of Christianity as a bunch of rules. And not just rules but contemptible rules. What's wrong with sex before marriage? Everyone's doing it; it's normal. What's wrong with getting drunk? You're only hurting yourself. What's wrong with cursing? It's just words. To me, Christians were a bunch of ridiculously narrow-minded hypocrites and their inane “laws” constraining.
Then I fell in love with Christ.
As a new believer, I realized that I am a sinner but I also realized it would be too easy to simply conform in order to look like a good Christian instead of allowing Christ to change my heart so I told God, “I will change nothing unless You ask it of me.”
Before I barge ahead and arrogantly claim to have done just that, I must admit that it is not as simple as I originally thought. In my naivete, I thought God would speak and Raychel would change. But sometimes God wants to change things Raychel doesn't want to admit are a problem and sometimes God wants to use people to address Raychel's problems and Raychel insolently balks at what they say.
Oh, Pride, you can only bring me death!
Well, Christ has asked for a lot of change from me. He has asked me to follow His laws closely, the first of which is, “You shall have no other gods before Me (Exodus 20:3).
I have given my life to loving God with everything I have; He has become my Treasure, my All in All. I am delighting myself in the Lord, and He is giving me the desires of my heart (Psalm 37:4).
Amazingly, what I desire seems to be changing. As Christ becomes my treasure, as I find my joy rooted more and more deeply in Him, a process occurs and I find myself being transformed by the renewing of my mind (Romans 12:2). No joke! If you look back at Romans 11:33-36 you'll notice the love language Paul is using toward God, then you'll notice that he subsequently launches into this idea that if we present our bodies as living and holy sacrifices – and, honestly, who doesn't sacrifice himself for his treasure? - then, in this worship, we will be transformed by the renewing of our minds so that we may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect (these verses, by the way, define worship).
If God is my treasure, and my mind is being renewed to know what His will is, it goes to follow that my desires will begin to align themselves to His will.
And now I no longer see His law as constraining (for the most part) but liberating. Why?
A friend once used an analogy that really helps illustrate what I think happens.
Imagine the Law is like a line drawn in the ground. If you cross the line, you've broken the rules. There are many people – such as myself, before I knew Christ – who don't see any reason to stay on one side of the line. There are many people who strive to stay on the right side of the line but have the perspective that it is restraining their freedom, so they try to get as close to it as they possibly can without crossing it.
Then there are people who see the line and know it was not put there to keep them from freedom, but to give them freedom. This line teaches them how to love God, themselves, and others with all their heart, mind, and strength (because that, in essence, is the Law, right?). Instead of dwelling on how to get as close to the line as they possibly can, these people turn around and see all the freedom God has put right there at their fingertips.
Instead of seeing “how far they can go without actually having sex” with their boyfriend or girlfriend, just because the Bible does not condone sex outside of marriage, they enjoy the relationship they can have with one another, maybe really digging into those conversations they're not too distracted to have or delighting in simply holding each others' hand, because they recognize that that's the best way they can love one another.
Instead of not getting drunk just because the Bible says not to, they realize that their bodies are a temple of God and so truly enjoy the presence of the Holy Spirit in their lives, and do what they can to cultivate their awareness of Him.
Instead of avoiding foul language just because the Bible says to, they hold their tongues because they are saving breath to find new words with which to praise the Lord, which not only glorifies Him but causes others to take notice that what comes out of their mouths is different from the way other people speak (I stand convicted; my mouth is not clean: I gossip, whine, and curse. But as I write this I am discovering a reason for watching my tongue that is grounded in my delight in the Lord. I hope to see change.).
Christianity is not about strident rules, but about a relationship with One who is perfect and can satisfy our every need and desire. It is about discovering that true life comes in and through and for Christ alone. It is about allowing Him to transform us so that our lives can reflect the one true God. It is about discovering the life-giving freedom to love Him, to love ourselves, and to love others.
The reality I live in is merely a shadow of what I've just written about, but I look forward to continuing in the process of being transformed by the renewing of my mind and discovering where His will and my desires are aligning. I hope and pray that you, also, will delight yourself in the Lord and see a radical difference in what you desire so that your life can point to Christ Jesus, our Lord.
Then I fell in love with Christ.
As a new believer, I realized that I am a sinner but I also realized it would be too easy to simply conform in order to look like a good Christian instead of allowing Christ to change my heart so I told God, “I will change nothing unless You ask it of me.”
Before I barge ahead and arrogantly claim to have done just that, I must admit that it is not as simple as I originally thought. In my naivete, I thought God would speak and Raychel would change. But sometimes God wants to change things Raychel doesn't want to admit are a problem and sometimes God wants to use people to address Raychel's problems and Raychel insolently balks at what they say.
Oh, Pride, you can only bring me death!
Well, Christ has asked for a lot of change from me. He has asked me to follow His laws closely, the first of which is, “You shall have no other gods before Me (Exodus 20:3).
I have given my life to loving God with everything I have; He has become my Treasure, my All in All. I am delighting myself in the Lord, and He is giving me the desires of my heart (Psalm 37:4).
Amazingly, what I desire seems to be changing. As Christ becomes my treasure, as I find my joy rooted more and more deeply in Him, a process occurs and I find myself being transformed by the renewing of my mind (Romans 12:2). No joke! If you look back at Romans 11:33-36 you'll notice the love language Paul is using toward God, then you'll notice that he subsequently launches into this idea that if we present our bodies as living and holy sacrifices – and, honestly, who doesn't sacrifice himself for his treasure? - then, in this worship, we will be transformed by the renewing of our minds so that we may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect (these verses, by the way, define worship).
If God is my treasure, and my mind is being renewed to know what His will is, it goes to follow that my desires will begin to align themselves to His will.
And now I no longer see His law as constraining (for the most part) but liberating. Why?
A friend once used an analogy that really helps illustrate what I think happens.
Imagine the Law is like a line drawn in the ground. If you cross the line, you've broken the rules. There are many people – such as myself, before I knew Christ – who don't see any reason to stay on one side of the line. There are many people who strive to stay on the right side of the line but have the perspective that it is restraining their freedom, so they try to get as close to it as they possibly can without crossing it.
Then there are people who see the line and know it was not put there to keep them from freedom, but to give them freedom. This line teaches them how to love God, themselves, and others with all their heart, mind, and strength (because that, in essence, is the Law, right?). Instead of dwelling on how to get as close to the line as they possibly can, these people turn around and see all the freedom God has put right there at their fingertips.
Instead of seeing “how far they can go without actually having sex” with their boyfriend or girlfriend, just because the Bible does not condone sex outside of marriage, they enjoy the relationship they can have with one another, maybe really digging into those conversations they're not too distracted to have or delighting in simply holding each others' hand, because they recognize that that's the best way they can love one another.
Instead of not getting drunk just because the Bible says not to, they realize that their bodies are a temple of God and so truly enjoy the presence of the Holy Spirit in their lives, and do what they can to cultivate their awareness of Him.
Instead of avoiding foul language just because the Bible says to, they hold their tongues because they are saving breath to find new words with which to praise the Lord, which not only glorifies Him but causes others to take notice that what comes out of their mouths is different from the way other people speak (I stand convicted; my mouth is not clean: I gossip, whine, and curse. But as I write this I am discovering a reason for watching my tongue that is grounded in my delight in the Lord. I hope to see change.).
Christianity is not about strident rules, but about a relationship with One who is perfect and can satisfy our every need and desire. It is about discovering that true life comes in and through and for Christ alone. It is about allowing Him to transform us so that our lives can reflect the one true God. It is about discovering the life-giving freedom to love Him, to love ourselves, and to love others.
The reality I live in is merely a shadow of what I've just written about, but I look forward to continuing in the process of being transformed by the renewing of my mind and discovering where His will and my desires are aligning. I hope and pray that you, also, will delight yourself in the Lord and see a radical difference in what you desire so that your life can point to Christ Jesus, our Lord.
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Holy Trinity
This past spring YD Adventures had the honor of working with the 8th grade graduating class of Holy Trinity for a multi-day challenge course. We stayed at luxurious Camp Eagle Fern and ate delicious food cooked by their staff. It’s not often we’re this spoiled!
As the trip coordinator, I was the one who outlined what challenge course elements and other activities we would be doing throughout the trip. I started working on my itinerary by praying, “Lord, what would You have me do?” I felt a sense of urgency toward sharing the gospel with these students as soon as possible so, on the very first night, I planned a gospel presentation. After more prayer, I scheduled one of my coworkers – Dave – to be the one to share the good news with these students.
Dave did an amazing job, sharing the gospel interactively so students would realize that they need to make a personal decision to follow Jesus. My favorite part was when Jerry jumped up and said, “Dave, I’ve decided that you’re going to be a vegetarian!” Dave responded, “Well, Jerry, you can’t make that decision for me. I’m going to have to make it for myself.” Jerry said, “Oh, you mean I can’t decide for you whether or not you’re a vegetarian or whether or not you’re saved?” “That’s right, it’s a decision I need to make on my own for myself.”
We challenged students emotionally, physically, and spiritually throughout this trip. On the last day, we led the kids on a hike. Becky asked them to take a rock and think about what is keeping them from following Jesus, attaching that significance to the rock. When we got the top, we shared what keeps us from Jesus, and threw our rocks over the edge, declaring ourselves freed of that burden.
Later, as we looked over response cards from students, we found that 21 out of 22 students made a decision for Christ: 14 first-time commitments and 7 rededications. Praise the Lord!! What a harvest!
As the trip coordinator, I was the one who outlined what challenge course elements and other activities we would be doing throughout the trip. I started working on my itinerary by praying, “Lord, what would You have me do?” I felt a sense of urgency toward sharing the gospel with these students as soon as possible so, on the very first night, I planned a gospel presentation. After more prayer, I scheduled one of my coworkers – Dave – to be the one to share the good news with these students.
Dave did an amazing job, sharing the gospel interactively so students would realize that they need to make a personal decision to follow Jesus. My favorite part was when Jerry jumped up and said, “Dave, I’ve decided that you’re going to be a vegetarian!” Dave responded, “Well, Jerry, you can’t make that decision for me. I’m going to have to make it for myself.” Jerry said, “Oh, you mean I can’t decide for you whether or not you’re a vegetarian or whether or not you’re saved?” “That’s right, it’s a decision I need to make on my own for myself.”
We challenged students emotionally, physically, and spiritually throughout this trip. On the last day, we led the kids on a hike. Becky asked them to take a rock and think about what is keeping them from following Jesus, attaching that significance to the rock. When we got the top, we shared what keeps us from Jesus, and threw our rocks over the edge, declaring ourselves freed of that burden.
Later, as we looked over response cards from students, we found that 21 out of 22 students made a decision for Christ: 14 first-time commitments and 7 rededications. Praise the Lord!! What a harvest!
A Sory Shared
I have just gotten back from four days spent with students. I am slightly dazed but very happy; it was a good trip. “What makes a trip good,” you ask? A good trip is one in which the Lord takes the lead and students are invited and challenged to a lifelong journey in relationship with Christ and His church (it is our mission, after all). 
We began with a day on the challenge course, moved on to rock climbing, enjoyed a day on the river, and capped it with a lovely hike. Interwoven into the trip were analogies, quiet times to read our Bibles, and shared testimonies.
The trip seemed to speed by. On the morning of the rock climbing day we had a glorious thunder and lightning storm (for those of you in OR, do you remember the storm on Monday morning? I’m not going to forget it!). We were on the east side of Mt Hood but caught a good bit of rain. No one complained; instead, everyone expressed awe and delight at the storm. By the time we left for the rock site, the storm was over and blue was filling the sky.
Every chance I got I spent talking to students, “Do you have any siblings?” “What are your top 5 favorite musicians?” For the incoming seniors, “Do you have any plans for after high school?” Questions like these reveal what students home lives are like, what they’re filling their minds with, and whether or not they’re thinking about their futures, as well as a host of other details. It also helps build rapport between us and the students.
That evening I was given the opportunity to share my testimony. I shared with students the brokenness that I’d come from and the life that knowing Jesus had brought me. I shared about my current struggle with depression, and the hope and joy I’m discovering in the midst of it.
After I shared, we sat around the camp fire. One of the girls – we’ll call her Sarah – approached me and asked if she could speak to me. I could tell she was agitated. “Sure,” I said, “Do you want to go for a walk?” She said yes, and we walked away. Almost immediately Sarah began crying, telling me that she felt she could relate to my testimony, then poured out to me the story of her life. I listened carefully as she spoke but in the back of my mind I was thinking, “Oh no! What do I say? God, please give me wisdom.” It was humbling to be singled out for a conversation of this magnitude.
Sarah was looking for someone to listen to her, to sympathize with her struggles, and agree that what she’s struggling with is hard. She did ask for advice on how to grow closer to God, and I was more than willing to share a few simple ideas: some books that might make the Bible more interesting and a CD of scripture set to music. I also encouraged her to make time to read her Bible. Before we rejoined the group, I asked Sarah if I could pray for her. We stood there under the darkening sky, arms around each others’ shoulders, and I prayed that the Lord would draw her close, comfort her, and continue molding her into a Godly woman.
It is amazing to me that, in recycling my pain, Sarah was able to relate to me and find the courage to talk about her struggles. It reminds me of the importance of sharing our burdens with others because, in doing so, we are giving them permission to share their burdens with us. Praise the Lord for our burdens and thus our opportunities to connect with others in their pain.
We began with a day on the challenge course, moved on to rock climbing, enjoyed a day on the river, and capped it with a lovely hike. Interwoven into the trip were analogies, quiet times to read our Bibles, and shared testimonies.
The trip seemed to speed by. On the morning of the rock climbing day we had a glorious thunder and lightning storm (for those of you in OR, do you remember the storm on Monday morning? I’m not going to forget it!). We were on the east side of Mt Hood but caught a good bit of rain. No one complained; instead, everyone expressed awe and delight at the storm. By the time we left for the rock site, the storm was over and blue was filling the sky.
Every chance I got I spent talking to students, “Do you have any siblings?” “What are your top 5 favorite musicians?” For the incoming seniors, “Do you have any plans for after high school?” Questions like these reveal what students home lives are like, what they’re filling their minds with, and whether or not they’re thinking about their futures, as well as a host of other details. It also helps build rapport between us and the students.
That evening I was given the opportunity to share my testimony. I shared with students the brokenness that I’d come from and the life that knowing Jesus had brought me. I shared about my current struggle with depression, and the hope and joy I’m discovering in the midst of it.
After I shared, we sat around the camp fire. One of the girls – we’ll call her Sarah – approached me and asked if she could speak to me. I could tell she was agitated. “Sure,” I said, “Do you want to go for a walk?” She said yes, and we walked away. Almost immediately Sarah began crying, telling me that she felt she could relate to my testimony, then poured out to me the story of her life. I listened carefully as she spoke but in the back of my mind I was thinking, “Oh no! What do I say? God, please give me wisdom.” It was humbling to be singled out for a conversation of this magnitude.
Sarah was looking for someone to listen to her, to sympathize with her struggles, and agree that what she’s struggling with is hard. She did ask for advice on how to grow closer to God, and I was more than willing to share a few simple ideas: some books that might make the Bible more interesting and a CD of scripture set to music. I also encouraged her to make time to read her Bible. Before we rejoined the group, I asked Sarah if I could pray for her. We stood there under the darkening sky, arms around each others’ shoulders, and I prayed that the Lord would draw her close, comfort her, and continue molding her into a Godly woman.
It is amazing to me that, in recycling my pain, Sarah was able to relate to me and find the courage to talk about her struggles. It reminds me of the importance of sharing our burdens with others because, in doing so, we are giving them permission to share their burdens with us. Praise the Lord for our burdens and thus our opportunities to connect with others in their pain.
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Armor
This was a homework assignment for counseling. I just thought I'd share. :)
She jerked awake at the sound of her alarm clock and groaned. She’d already hit the snooze button twice; she’d better just get up this time. She stretched, and then rolled her feet onto the floor, wiping the sleep from her eyes. A new day. Ugh.
In the bathroom, Ray Ann took stock of herself as the water in the shower heated up. Two arms, two legs, the proper number of fingers and toes. Hair still reddish and curly, mussed from sleep. Eyes still brown. Yup, another typical day.
After the shower, Ray Ann headed back to her bedroom. As she opened the door, her eyes caught on the treasure chest placed in the corner of her room. She smiled whimsically to herself, knowing what was in there. She approached the chest reverently, settling down on her knees before it. She opened it and looked longingly at the contents: one belt, a breastplate, shoes, helmet, shield, and sword. She had received these items when she had pledged her life to the King, though not in order to defend His life; He needed no defense. It was part of her inheritance upon joining His family, and she was told to wear it and stand firm.
At first she had put it on every morning. It felt clumsy and awkward and made her feel a little silly. She couldn’t seem to learn to wear it skillfully. For awhile she just carried it around with her but it was heavy and seemed to do her no good so, finally, reluctantly, she’d stopped getting it out of the treasure chest every morning, stopped putting it on, stopped trying to learn how to wear it; she had failed.
Today, as she gazed upon it, she ran her hands over it gently, remembering.
One morning after she had stopped wearing the armor, her beloved King had come to her. She had fallen on her face in fear and wonder but He had drawn her up on His lap. “Ray Ann,” He said, “Do you know that I love you?”
“Yes, my Lord,” she’d responded.
“Do you believe it is the Truth?”
“Of course I do.”
“Do you believe that nothing can separate you from My love?”
“Yes, yes I do,” she had said, eagerly.
“Child, take this belt of Truth and remember always that I am for you.” So saying, He had buckled the belt around her waist.
“Ray Ann, did you exchange the filthy garments of your past transgressions for the bright breastplate of My righteousness?”
“I did, My Lord.”
“Do you understand that My righteousness was bought for you through the blood of My Son?”
“Yes, Lord, I do.”
“Put this breastplate on and remember that you are not wearing your past mistakes, but My righteousness.”
“Yes, Lord.” He had assisted her in buckling the breastplate in place.
“Ray Ann, do you know that, wherever you go, you take My peace with you?”
“I’m not sure I understand that, my Lord.”
“That’s ok, child. Slip on these shoes and know that, as you live your life, if you praise My name, many of the people I place in your path will come to understand that I sent My Son in order to reconcile them to Myself. Will you do that?”
“Yes, Lord, I promise.”
“Ray Ann, do you know what pleases Me more than anything?”
“What, Lord?”
“Faith. Take this shield and remember to lift it up when My enemy attacks you with his lies. Have faith that I have done everything in My power – My almighty, infinite power – to make you Mine and he can do nothing to change that.”
“Yes, Lord, I will do that.”
“Ray Ann, do you believe that My Son’s blood has saved you?”
“I believe it, Lord.”
“When you first came to Me, you were sealed by My Holy Spirit. This helmet represents that anointing; it is the Helmet of Salvation.” He had gently placed the helmet upon her head; she could feel it pressed firmly against her forehead.
“Thank You, my Lord,” she whispered.
“With the anointing of My Spirit comes the ability to learn how to use the Sword of the Spirit. This, child, is My word. Keep these words on your heart by meditating on them, memorizing them, and sharing them with other people. This is the way you practice sword fighting.” He had placed His sword in her hands and she held it reverently.
“I will do it, Lord. I will work hard to learn how to wield Your sword.”
“Lastly, child…” He paused.
“Yes, my Lord? Anything.”
“Call Me Father. You are My child. You may call upon Me for anything. And please ask; I want to give good gifts to My children. I am generous and full of lovingkindness. Remember these things always. I am never far, Beloved.”
As the memory faded, she continued, for a moment, to kneel before the treasure chest, stroking the armor and smiling to herself. Then she stood and reached resolutely into the chest, picked up the Belt of Truth, and buckled it around her waist. Next, the Breastplate of Righteousness was put in place. Then she slipped on the Shoes that prepared her to spread the gospel of peace. Next, she picked up the Shield of Faith and the Sword of the Spirit. And the Helmet of Salvation, well, that never came off; it was a part of her now, a seal that marked her as a Child of God. Thus crowned and garbed, Ray Ann boldly strode from her room.
Armor
She jerked awake at the sound of her alarm clock and groaned. She’d already hit the snooze button twice; she’d better just get up this time. She stretched, and then rolled her feet onto the floor, wiping the sleep from her eyes. A new day. Ugh.
In the bathroom, Ray Ann took stock of herself as the water in the shower heated up. Two arms, two legs, the proper number of fingers and toes. Hair still reddish and curly, mussed from sleep. Eyes still brown. Yup, another typical day.
After the shower, Ray Ann headed back to her bedroom. As she opened the door, her eyes caught on the treasure chest placed in the corner of her room. She smiled whimsically to herself, knowing what was in there. She approached the chest reverently, settling down on her knees before it. She opened it and looked longingly at the contents: one belt, a breastplate, shoes, helmet, shield, and sword. She had received these items when she had pledged her life to the King, though not in order to defend His life; He needed no defense. It was part of her inheritance upon joining His family, and she was told to wear it and stand firm.
At first she had put it on every morning. It felt clumsy and awkward and made her feel a little silly. She couldn’t seem to learn to wear it skillfully. For awhile she just carried it around with her but it was heavy and seemed to do her no good so, finally, reluctantly, she’d stopped getting it out of the treasure chest every morning, stopped putting it on, stopped trying to learn how to wear it; she had failed.
Today, as she gazed upon it, she ran her hands over it gently, remembering.
One morning after she had stopped wearing the armor, her beloved King had come to her. She had fallen on her face in fear and wonder but He had drawn her up on His lap. “Ray Ann,” He said, “Do you know that I love you?”
“Yes, my Lord,” she’d responded.
“Do you believe it is the Truth?”
“Of course I do.”
“Do you believe that nothing can separate you from My love?”
“Yes, yes I do,” she had said, eagerly.
“Child, take this belt of Truth and remember always that I am for you.” So saying, He had buckled the belt around her waist.
“Ray Ann, did you exchange the filthy garments of your past transgressions for the bright breastplate of My righteousness?”
“I did, My Lord.”
“Do you understand that My righteousness was bought for you through the blood of My Son?”
“Yes, Lord, I do.”
“Put this breastplate on and remember that you are not wearing your past mistakes, but My righteousness.”
“Yes, Lord.” He had assisted her in buckling the breastplate in place.
“Ray Ann, do you know that, wherever you go, you take My peace with you?”
“I’m not sure I understand that, my Lord.”
“That’s ok, child. Slip on these shoes and know that, as you live your life, if you praise My name, many of the people I place in your path will come to understand that I sent My Son in order to reconcile them to Myself. Will you do that?”
“Yes, Lord, I promise.”
“Ray Ann, do you know what pleases Me more than anything?”
“What, Lord?”
“Faith. Take this shield and remember to lift it up when My enemy attacks you with his lies. Have faith that I have done everything in My power – My almighty, infinite power – to make you Mine and he can do nothing to change that.”
“Yes, Lord, I will do that.”
“Ray Ann, do you believe that My Son’s blood has saved you?”
“I believe it, Lord.”
“When you first came to Me, you were sealed by My Holy Spirit. This helmet represents that anointing; it is the Helmet of Salvation.” He had gently placed the helmet upon her head; she could feel it pressed firmly against her forehead.
“Thank You, my Lord,” she whispered.
“With the anointing of My Spirit comes the ability to learn how to use the Sword of the Spirit. This, child, is My word. Keep these words on your heart by meditating on them, memorizing them, and sharing them with other people. This is the way you practice sword fighting.” He had placed His sword in her hands and she held it reverently.
“I will do it, Lord. I will work hard to learn how to wield Your sword.”
“Lastly, child…” He paused.
“Yes, my Lord? Anything.”
“Call Me Father. You are My child. You may call upon Me for anything. And please ask; I want to give good gifts to My children. I am generous and full of lovingkindness. Remember these things always. I am never far, Beloved.”
As the memory faded, she continued, for a moment, to kneel before the treasure chest, stroking the armor and smiling to herself. Then she stood and reached resolutely into the chest, picked up the Belt of Truth, and buckled it around her waist. Next, the Breastplate of Righteousness was put in place. Then she slipped on the Shoes that prepared her to spread the gospel of peace. Next, she picked up the Shield of Faith and the Sword of the Spirit. And the Helmet of Salvation, well, that never came off; it was a part of her now, a seal that marked her as a Child of God. Thus crowned and garbed, Ray Ann boldly strode from her room.
Monday, January 24, 2011
Lonely: An Invitation
I felt loneliness slip over me like a too-small frock; it made me feel tight, trapped, inhibited. I had done something stupid again. What a loser! What an idiot! Am I destined always to push others away? Am I such a jerk, such a coward? Will no one ever know me as the person I long to be?
I railed against my cage, screamed to be heard. This is not who I am! Listen! Please listen! Yet what does it matter who listens? Loneliness is not caused by a lack of listeners but by the inability to know myself, share that intimacy with others and, in turn, know them. I am misunderstood because I cannot understand; lost in a darkness created by my own blindness.
Yet the Bible clearly says, “Even the darkness is not dark to You, and the night is as bright as the day. Darkness and light are alike to You. (Psalm 139:12)” So at least there is One who can see into my darkness, One who knows me.
The other day I realized that if I have given all of me to my God, then He owns even my loneliness. Doesn’t that mean my loneliness is shared? At that point, it becomes a little less lonely. And lest I think I am entirely misunderstood, I need only stretch my mind as far as my Bible, and remember how alone Jesus was as He walked the path to Calvary with the blood-stained cross upon His shoulders. No one stuck by Him; no one knew Him; no one wanted to be known by Him. Even God abandoned Him. It was the loneliest moment in all of history.
I knelt down and I stretched out my hand. It did not touch flesh but, instead, found my guitar. With that I can play music; I can worship the One who walked the loneliest road, and triumphed over darkness so I can forever be united to my Father. Loneliness, after all, is a call to worship, an invitation to seek the Creator’s heart in order to know my own. I can offer up my loneliness, this too-small frock and, in exchange, receive a well-fitted garment with plenty of room to breathe, grow, and live.
As the new garment settles over me, the panic subsides. The darkness fades and the light reveals that the cage I rail against is not even locked; I can leave as I please. Now it is up to me. Will I embrace the freedom offered me as a child of God or will I waste my life in a cage? Will I hide myself behind the loneliness or will I allow Him to use it to show me myself, so I can be known and, in turn, know?
“Search me, O God, and know my heart; try me and know my anxious thoughts; and see if there be any hurtful way in me, and lead me in the everlasting way.” Psalm 139:23-24
I railed against my cage, screamed to be heard. This is not who I am! Listen! Please listen! Yet what does it matter who listens? Loneliness is not caused by a lack of listeners but by the inability to know myself, share that intimacy with others and, in turn, know them. I am misunderstood because I cannot understand; lost in a darkness created by my own blindness.
Yet the Bible clearly says, “Even the darkness is not dark to You, and the night is as bright as the day. Darkness and light are alike to You. (Psalm 139:12)” So at least there is One who can see into my darkness, One who knows me.
The other day I realized that if I have given all of me to my God, then He owns even my loneliness. Doesn’t that mean my loneliness is shared? At that point, it becomes a little less lonely. And lest I think I am entirely misunderstood, I need only stretch my mind as far as my Bible, and remember how alone Jesus was as He walked the path to Calvary with the blood-stained cross upon His shoulders. No one stuck by Him; no one knew Him; no one wanted to be known by Him. Even God abandoned Him. It was the loneliest moment in all of history.
I knelt down and I stretched out my hand. It did not touch flesh but, instead, found my guitar. With that I can play music; I can worship the One who walked the loneliest road, and triumphed over darkness so I can forever be united to my Father. Loneliness, after all, is a call to worship, an invitation to seek the Creator’s heart in order to know my own. I can offer up my loneliness, this too-small frock and, in exchange, receive a well-fitted garment with plenty of room to breathe, grow, and live.
As the new garment settles over me, the panic subsides. The darkness fades and the light reveals that the cage I rail against is not even locked; I can leave as I please. Now it is up to me. Will I embrace the freedom offered me as a child of God or will I waste my life in a cage? Will I hide myself behind the loneliness or will I allow Him to use it to show me myself, so I can be known and, in turn, know?
“Search me, O God, and know my heart; try me and know my anxious thoughts; and see if there be any hurtful way in me, and lead me in the everlasting way.” Psalm 139:23-24
Friday, September 17, 2010
The Holiness of God by R.C. Sproul
I just finished “The Holiness of God” recently and I thought I’d write up a quick “report” about it, though I didn’t think of it until after I finished the book so I’m not equipped to do a lengthy, in-depth critique. I’ll just share the two things that stood out the most.
In the chapter “Holy, Holy, Holy” Sproul teaches out of Isaiah 6:
“Isaiah explained it this way: ‘My eyes have seen the King, the LORD Almighty.’ He saw the holiness of God. For the first time in his life Isaiah really understood who God was. At the same instant, for the first time Isaiah really understood who Isaiah was.” p 45-46
I LOVE this. It is only through knowing God that we come to an understanding of who we are. In Proverbs we read, “The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom, and the knowledge of the Holy One is understanding” (Proverbs 9:10). Or, as A.W. Tozer says: “What comes into our minds when we think about God is the most important thing about us” (Knowledge of the Holy, p 1).
Know God, know God, know God. When we have a true grasp of who God is, we are humbled and no longer feel as though we have any right to judge anyone else, for we understand that no one measures up to His holiness (Psalm 143:2, Romans 3:23), especially ourselves. At the same time, when we truly know God, we know that what He says about us is the ultimate truth about us, and we learn that we are His beloved Children (John 1:12, Romans 8:16, 1 John 3:1), His created image on earth (Genesis 1:26, 2:7), and that we are fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14).
The other thing that stood out to me in this book is from the very last chapter, “God in the Hands of Angry Sinners”:
“[Semi-Pelagianism] entertains delusions about man’s ability to incline himself to God, to make ‘decisions’ to be born again. It declares that fallen man who is at enmity with God can be persuaded to be reconciled even before his sinful heart is changed. It has people who are not born again seeing a kingdom Christ declared could not be seen and entering a kingdom that cannot be entered without rebirth. Evangelicals today have unconverted sinners who are dead in trespasses and sin bringing themselves to life by choosing to be born again. Christ made it clear that dead people cannot choose anything, that flesh profits nothing and that a person must be born of the Spirit before he can even see the kingdom of God, let alone enter it. The failure of modern evangelicalism is the failure to understand the holiness of God. If that one point were grasped, there would be no more talk of mortal enemies of Christ coming to Jesus by their own power” p 232.
I have no idea what to make of this. As far as I know, my whole job relies on our preaching the Gospel and giving students the chance to make decisions for Christ. If Sproul is right, are these “decisions” a load of BS?
I looked up “Pelagianism” on one of my favorite websites, http://bible.org , and found an article by Bob Deffinbaugh on “The Helplessness of Humanity”. In it he says:
“Because it is God Who saves men, we may proclaim the gospel boldly knowing that those whom He has chosen will be saved. And when we pray, we need not pray that men will have the intellectual ability to believe, or that their wills may be open to divine instruction, but that God will give them life, effectually call them, and draw them to Himself. If it is ultimately God Who saves men, then we can plead with Him for the souls of men, knowing His desire to save (cf. 1 Timothy 2:4), knowing He delights to answer our prayers (1 John 5:14-15), and knowing He is able to save any whom He chooses (cf. Acts 9:1-22)… In evangelism, as in every area of Christian living, we are never commanded to be successful, but only to be submissive to His will and obedient to His word (Isaiah 6:8-10).”
So perhaps the idea isn’t that sharing the gospel and giving people an opportunity to respond is useless but that we should share the gospel and then trust God to do the work He promises to do and is already doing. This certainly seems to line up with what Paul says in Ephesians 2:8: “For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God…” Even our faith in the risen Savior is a gift from God’s own hand.
I’m still unable to fully articulate what I think about this, probably because I’m not fully sure what I believe about it. I welcome your thoughts and sharing of scripture, fellow gift-receivers of God.
In the chapter “Holy, Holy, Holy” Sproul teaches out of Isaiah 6:
“Isaiah explained it this way: ‘My eyes have seen the King, the LORD Almighty.’ He saw the holiness of God. For the first time in his life Isaiah really understood who God was. At the same instant, for the first time Isaiah really understood who Isaiah was.” p 45-46
I LOVE this. It is only through knowing God that we come to an understanding of who we are. In Proverbs we read, “The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom, and the knowledge of the Holy One is understanding” (Proverbs 9:10). Or, as A.W. Tozer says: “What comes into our minds when we think about God is the most important thing about us” (Knowledge of the Holy, p 1).
Know God, know God, know God. When we have a true grasp of who God is, we are humbled and no longer feel as though we have any right to judge anyone else, for we understand that no one measures up to His holiness (Psalm 143:2, Romans 3:23), especially ourselves. At the same time, when we truly know God, we know that what He says about us is the ultimate truth about us, and we learn that we are His beloved Children (John 1:12, Romans 8:16, 1 John 3:1), His created image on earth (Genesis 1:26, 2:7), and that we are fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14).
The other thing that stood out to me in this book is from the very last chapter, “God in the Hands of Angry Sinners”:
“[Semi-Pelagianism] entertains delusions about man’s ability to incline himself to God, to make ‘decisions’ to be born again. It declares that fallen man who is at enmity with God can be persuaded to be reconciled even before his sinful heart is changed. It has people who are not born again seeing a kingdom Christ declared could not be seen and entering a kingdom that cannot be entered without rebirth. Evangelicals today have unconverted sinners who are dead in trespasses and sin bringing themselves to life by choosing to be born again. Christ made it clear that dead people cannot choose anything, that flesh profits nothing and that a person must be born of the Spirit before he can even see the kingdom of God, let alone enter it. The failure of modern evangelicalism is the failure to understand the holiness of God. If that one point were grasped, there would be no more talk of mortal enemies of Christ coming to Jesus by their own power” p 232.
I have no idea what to make of this. As far as I know, my whole job relies on our preaching the Gospel and giving students the chance to make decisions for Christ. If Sproul is right, are these “decisions” a load of BS?
I looked up “Pelagianism” on one of my favorite websites, http://bible.org , and found an article by Bob Deffinbaugh on “The Helplessness of Humanity”. In it he says:
“Because it is God Who saves men, we may proclaim the gospel boldly knowing that those whom He has chosen will be saved. And when we pray, we need not pray that men will have the intellectual ability to believe, or that their wills may be open to divine instruction, but that God will give them life, effectually call them, and draw them to Himself. If it is ultimately God Who saves men, then we can plead with Him for the souls of men, knowing His desire to save (cf. 1 Timothy 2:4), knowing He delights to answer our prayers (1 John 5:14-15), and knowing He is able to save any whom He chooses (cf. Acts 9:1-22)… In evangelism, as in every area of Christian living, we are never commanded to be successful, but only to be submissive to His will and obedient to His word (Isaiah 6:8-10).”
So perhaps the idea isn’t that sharing the gospel and giving people an opportunity to respond is useless but that we should share the gospel and then trust God to do the work He promises to do and is already doing. This certainly seems to line up with what Paul says in Ephesians 2:8: “For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God…” Even our faith in the risen Savior is a gift from God’s own hand.
I’m still unable to fully articulate what I think about this, probably because I’m not fully sure what I believe about it. I welcome your thoughts and sharing of scripture, fellow gift-receivers of God.
Saturday, August 7, 2010
The Dream: Interpretation
When I gave my life to Christ all my sins were forgiven and I became alive in Christ. That was on the spiritual level. On the physical/emotional level, I have never fully addressed my sins and how they have effected how I think, feel, and live. I admit that I am hindered from the freedom, authority, and power I should have in Christ and find myself bogged down by guilt, fear, and depression. It is my sin that has entangled me and keeps me from running the race set before me with endurance (Heb 12:1). That is the image of the wound on the horse’s hindquarters that was bandaged but grew and festered around the bandage. It is time now to take off the old bandage and re-examine the wound so it can be bandaged and heal properly.
Satan does not want me to have victory over my past. God is warning me that Satan is going to do what he can to distract me and wear me down. My only chance of resisting Satan is by facing – actually embracing wholeheartedly – something I anticipate will be enormously painful. That is the image of the bull charging me and me diving through the barbed wire fence.
I have spent a lot of time meditating and praying (and observing my life) and believe that what God is asking me to embrace wholeheartedly is the body of Christ. I cannot stand alone; one who stands alone is an easy target. However, I do not trust people. We have all been hurt numerous times by people in our lives and I have reacted to the pain caused by others by building walls between me and everyone else. I do most of my struggling alone and open up to very few people. I have also begun to realize that it’s not just other people I don’t trust; I have a tendency to sabotage my relationships through anger, selfishness, and being overly dramatic. I am convinced that, when people begin to know the true me, they will reject me. Instead of giving people the opportunity to love me through this crap, I reject myself and deny myself their companionship and love, knowing that I don’t deserve it and will only hurt them if I try to be their friend.
The body of Christ is the image of Christ on earth. True, we don’t always do a terrific job of reflecting Christ and I’m not saying that I will never be hurt again. People hurt people, but Christ will always be there offering forgiveness and love and healing, and asking us to do the same in His name.
These are not just pretty words; I have begun “diving through the barbed wire” by confessing my sins to fellow sisters in Christ whom I know and love. I am looking into finding a Christian counselor. I am looking at joining some support groups that help people deal with addictions, sin, and the wounds caused by others people’s addictions and sins.
For a long time now the image of a beautiful horse running with freedom, power, and grace has captivated my imagination. I would like to claim that as a vision of who I will become as these wounds are tended and healed.
Satan does not want me to have victory over my past. God is warning me that Satan is going to do what he can to distract me and wear me down. My only chance of resisting Satan is by facing – actually embracing wholeheartedly – something I anticipate will be enormously painful. That is the image of the bull charging me and me diving through the barbed wire fence.
I have spent a lot of time meditating and praying (and observing my life) and believe that what God is asking me to embrace wholeheartedly is the body of Christ. I cannot stand alone; one who stands alone is an easy target. However, I do not trust people. We have all been hurt numerous times by people in our lives and I have reacted to the pain caused by others by building walls between me and everyone else. I do most of my struggling alone and open up to very few people. I have also begun to realize that it’s not just other people I don’t trust; I have a tendency to sabotage my relationships through anger, selfishness, and being overly dramatic. I am convinced that, when people begin to know the true me, they will reject me. Instead of giving people the opportunity to love me through this crap, I reject myself and deny myself their companionship and love, knowing that I don’t deserve it and will only hurt them if I try to be their friend.
The body of Christ is the image of Christ on earth. True, we don’t always do a terrific job of reflecting Christ and I’m not saying that I will never be hurt again. People hurt people, but Christ will always be there offering forgiveness and love and healing, and asking us to do the same in His name.
These are not just pretty words; I have begun “diving through the barbed wire” by confessing my sins to fellow sisters in Christ whom I know and love. I am looking into finding a Christian counselor. I am looking at joining some support groups that help people deal with addictions, sin, and the wounds caused by others people’s addictions and sins.
For a long time now the image of a beautiful horse running with freedom, power, and grace has captivated my imagination. I would like to claim that as a vision of who I will become as these wounds are tended and healed.
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Canyonview RAP
A couple weeks ago I was worried that I wasn’t going to be on very many trips. Now I’m wondering if I’ll have the energy for all the trips I’m scheduled for. Yay! That makes me happy.
Last week I was the trip coordinator for a River Adventure Program (RAP) for the first time ever. Canyonview, a horse camp down in Silverton, runs an adventure camp every summer and they hire us to do all the fun stuff. This summer was our first RAP together and, since I had led their trips for the past few years, I requested to lead this one as well. I was excited both to be on a RAP (they’re one of our best trips) and to be the trip coordinator for it.
Five students and 3 Canyonview staff joined us for this trip. We had one returning student and I remember her being remarkably strong in the Lord for a person her age. The other 4 were a conglomeration of believers, non-believers, mature, and not-so-mature. Of the 3 Canyonview staff, 2 had been on trips with us before; they have become familiar, comfortable people to work with and I know that their staff and our staff share the common goal of wanting to see kids come to know and grow in the Lord.
I think I set the bar too high for myself on this trip. Not only was I going to do a fantastic job as the trip leader but I was going to have one-on-ones with all the students and we were going to have amazingly spiritual conversations. Instead, at the end of the trip I felt as though I had been very disconnected from the group as a whole and my being on the trip was basically a waste of everyone’s time.
I’ve had ample time to process the trip and discuss it with a few of my co-workers. I now realize that I did a very good job on this trip. I proved myself flexible to our schedule, decisive, willing to listen to advice, sensitive to the needs of the group, and able to engage spiritually when it was important. Still, I made some mistakes that I get learn from: precautions to take in order to avoid logistical mishaps, being firm with students without letting their attitudes get to me, and not taking my guide stick out of the water just before Shark’s Hole when my crew is not balanced.
Ah, yes. Shark’s Hole. I had one strong paddler and three not-so-strong paddlers. I knew Shark’s Hole would have a special punch to it so I prepared for the hole by taking my guide stick out of the water and ducking into the boat (I am not a coward; this hole will literally launch me toward the front of the boat causing much pain on impact). The boat almost magically swung to the left and, when we hit the hole, the boat stopped and my entire right side kept going. We spent the next 10 minutes or so fishing people out of the river and checking to be sure everyone was ok.
The highlight of this trip for me was the Flagpole Hike. We started hiking from our campsite and climbed (hiked upwards) to the top of the canyon. It’s a steep, long hike and challenging for most people. When everyone reached the top you could feel the relief. DONE! And so high up! You get a beautiful view of the Deschutes River canyon as well as various mountains (Sisters, Jefferson, Three Finger Jack, to name a few). While we were up there I took some time to share part of my testimony with the group. We had been reading Colossians and earlier that day had discussed Col 2:8. I shared with these students how sold out I once was on what the world believes to be “only normal” such as sex before marriage, evolution, getting drunk, etc. I told them to look around and compare the view at the top of the canyon with the view they had while standing by the river. God’s view, I told them, is even greater than what we were experiencing up at the flagpole; He is the Creator of all we could see and more. He knows everything going on in our lives and even our hearts. He knows what is right for us and has shared that with us in His Word.
Well, I hope that’s how what I shared came across because that’s certainly what I intended to say. More than anything I hope that what I shared brought glory to God.
I am now preparing for two trips almost back-to-back. I will be coordinating Mosaic’s first trip with YD Adventures this coming week and the following week I will be coordinating the Sunrise Baptist Rope Rock Raft. There’s a possibility I may be on (but not coordinating) the Warner backpacking trip and I will be finishing off my summer with a stacked RAP (yes! They gave me another RAP to coordinate!!).
Please pray for the YD Adventures staff and that their energy is kept up as we press into the busiest part of our summer. Also that they stay connected with our Lord; ministry is difficult enough as is; to do it without preparing by spending time in the word and in prayer is nearly impossible (but young people don’t always realize that). Please pray that we work together in unity as the body of Christ, that we exemplify the love of Christ, and that students’ hearts are open and receptive to the gospel. Please pray for me that when I make mistakes I learn from them instead of fret over them, and pray that the Lord’s Spirit rejuvenates me and prepares me for each trip.
Thank you! I look forward to sharing with you what the Lord has done.
Last week I was the trip coordinator for a River Adventure Program (RAP) for the first time ever. Canyonview, a horse camp down in Silverton, runs an adventure camp every summer and they hire us to do all the fun stuff. This summer was our first RAP together and, since I had led their trips for the past few years, I requested to lead this one as well. I was excited both to be on a RAP (they’re one of our best trips) and to be the trip coordinator for it.
Five students and 3 Canyonview staff joined us for this trip. We had one returning student and I remember her being remarkably strong in the Lord for a person her age. The other 4 were a conglomeration of believers, non-believers, mature, and not-so-mature. Of the 3 Canyonview staff, 2 had been on trips with us before; they have become familiar, comfortable people to work with and I know that their staff and our staff share the common goal of wanting to see kids come to know and grow in the Lord.
I think I set the bar too high for myself on this trip. Not only was I going to do a fantastic job as the trip leader but I was going to have one-on-ones with all the students and we were going to have amazingly spiritual conversations. Instead, at the end of the trip I felt as though I had been very disconnected from the group as a whole and my being on the trip was basically a waste of everyone’s time.
I’ve had ample time to process the trip and discuss it with a few of my co-workers. I now realize that I did a very good job on this trip. I proved myself flexible to our schedule, decisive, willing to listen to advice, sensitive to the needs of the group, and able to engage spiritually when it was important. Still, I made some mistakes that I get learn from: precautions to take in order to avoid logistical mishaps, being firm with students without letting their attitudes get to me, and not taking my guide stick out of the water just before Shark’s Hole when my crew is not balanced.
Ah, yes. Shark’s Hole. I had one strong paddler and three not-so-strong paddlers. I knew Shark’s Hole would have a special punch to it so I prepared for the hole by taking my guide stick out of the water and ducking into the boat (I am not a coward; this hole will literally launch me toward the front of the boat causing much pain on impact). The boat almost magically swung to the left and, when we hit the hole, the boat stopped and my entire right side kept going. We spent the next 10 minutes or so fishing people out of the river and checking to be sure everyone was ok.
The highlight of this trip for me was the Flagpole Hike. We started hiking from our campsite and climbed (hiked upwards) to the top of the canyon. It’s a steep, long hike and challenging for most people. When everyone reached the top you could feel the relief. DONE! And so high up! You get a beautiful view of the Deschutes River canyon as well as various mountains (Sisters, Jefferson, Three Finger Jack, to name a few). While we were up there I took some time to share part of my testimony with the group. We had been reading Colossians and earlier that day had discussed Col 2:8. I shared with these students how sold out I once was on what the world believes to be “only normal” such as sex before marriage, evolution, getting drunk, etc. I told them to look around and compare the view at the top of the canyon with the view they had while standing by the river. God’s view, I told them, is even greater than what we were experiencing up at the flagpole; He is the Creator of all we could see and more. He knows everything going on in our lives and even our hearts. He knows what is right for us and has shared that with us in His Word.
Well, I hope that’s how what I shared came across because that’s certainly what I intended to say. More than anything I hope that what I shared brought glory to God.
I am now preparing for two trips almost back-to-back. I will be coordinating Mosaic’s first trip with YD Adventures this coming week and the following week I will be coordinating the Sunrise Baptist Rope Rock Raft. There’s a possibility I may be on (but not coordinating) the Warner backpacking trip and I will be finishing off my summer with a stacked RAP (yes! They gave me another RAP to coordinate!!).
Please pray for the YD Adventures staff and that their energy is kept up as we press into the busiest part of our summer. Also that they stay connected with our Lord; ministry is difficult enough as is; to do it without preparing by spending time in the word and in prayer is nearly impossible (but young people don’t always realize that). Please pray that we work together in unity as the body of Christ, that we exemplify the love of Christ, and that students’ hearts are open and receptive to the gospel. Please pray for me that when I make mistakes I learn from them instead of fret over them, and pray that the Lord’s Spirit rejuvenates me and prepares me for each trip.
Thank you! I look forward to sharing with you what the Lord has done.
Monday, July 5, 2010
The Dream
Back in March I had a dream. I have reason to believe that this dream is significant, full of meaning, and from God. Here it is.
The Dream: I was standing in a field administering first aid to a horse with an old wound in its hindquarters. I felt guilty because I should have taken care of it a long time ago and now the wound had grown and festered around the bandage. I had no idea what to do; all I could think about was how much this was going to hurt.
I was standing in the same field but the horse was gone. I sensed the presence of a bull and knew I had to avoid it. Suddenly is was charging me. I was scared and had to keep dodging him as he continuously came after me. In my attempts to avoid being gored by the bull I found myself within reach of a barbed wire fence and realized that my only chance was to jump through the fence. I flung myself through the barbed wire fence, expecting to be injured, but I came though unscathed.
Next I was talking to guy I've met twice for the first time. He invited me to go somewhere with him and his friend and suddenly we walked into a church-like building and found seats. The seats we sat at were just three seats isolated from all the other rows. His friend wandered off but a friend of mine appeared, excited that I had finally come. The people on the stage called 12 people down from the seating area and asked them each to read a chapter and come back to share it with the group. I woke up during the long silence before they came up to speak.
The Dream: I was standing in a field administering first aid to a horse with an old wound in its hindquarters. I felt guilty because I should have taken care of it a long time ago and now the wound had grown and festered around the bandage. I had no idea what to do; all I could think about was how much this was going to hurt.
I was standing in the same field but the horse was gone. I sensed the presence of a bull and knew I had to avoid it. Suddenly is was charging me. I was scared and had to keep dodging him as he continuously came after me. In my attempts to avoid being gored by the bull I found myself within reach of a barbed wire fence and realized that my only chance was to jump through the fence. I flung myself through the barbed wire fence, expecting to be injured, but I came though unscathed.
Next I was talking to guy I've met twice for the first time. He invited me to go somewhere with him and his friend and suddenly we walked into a church-like building and found seats. The seats we sat at were just three seats isolated from all the other rows. His friend wandered off but a friend of mine appeared, excited that I had finally come. The people on the stage called 12 people down from the seating area and asked them each to read a chapter and come back to share it with the group. I woke up during the long silence before they came up to speak.
Friday, May 28, 2010
Praise and Prayer Update
Hello friends! It seems as though there are certain things that the Christian lifestyle revolves around but that we (I) don’t give the highest priority to. One of those things is prayer. Our staffing coordinator has committed to make praying for our staff a priority this year. Our director always mentions the importance of prayer in our ministry (since it is God at work and we need to rely on that). Also, Chris Adsit, author of this summer’s devotional, “Personal Disciple Making” is a huge advocate for relying first on prayer (“Prayer is the foundation of our discipling strategy because Jesus is the One who causes the growth.”) I think I’m getting it; prayer is our first and most important step of obedience, because it’s God who does the real work. After – and only after – we pray can we truly be available for the work He has for us. Thus, I wanted to take some time to share what’s going on at YD Adventures and how you can be praying for us.
Our new summer staff have finished their first week of raft training as well as low ropes challenge course training. They are doing well! Last night they left for rock climbing training (I will be joining them tonight). They have to learn how to tie certain knots and how to facilitate a climbing as well as a rappel station. Our second year summer staff will be learning how to send students on rappel and preparing their rappel talks (Rappelling presents a very, very teachable moment. If you’ve ever backed off a cliff, you know exactly what I mean).
Next week on Tuesday summer staff and trainers will be leaving for Point Runs/Raft 2, which is part of our raft training on the Deschutes River. They will be staying out there until Sunday night, making this one of the most difficult parts of training since no one sleeps well and each of them will be working hard every day that week. Please pray for endurance and perseverance for our summer staff and trainers.
Please pray that each of the summer staff continue to be molded and formed into humble, Spirit-filled vessels that the Lord will use this summer to bring teens to Him. I just want to say that we have an awesome crew working for the Lord at YD Adventures this summer. Thank You, Jesus!
In the month of June we have some very special trips coming up. NW Passages is a group of adults who go through a special 3-year discipleship program and who come to enjoy a day on the challenge course with us at the end of their first year. It’s odd facilitating people who are older than most of us but it’s an honor to kick off our season with people who are so dedicated to following the Lord. We will likely use this trip to help train our first year summer staff, giving them an opportunity to see how we run a challenge course.
Also in June is a trip with students from an alternative school. Please be praying that these students’ hearts will be tender and ready to hear and receive the gospel. Please pray for one-on-one opportunities for staff to share with these students and that staff would recognize, boldly snatch, and be intentional with these opportunities.
We have a camp in WA joining us for a rafting/IK (inflatable kayak) trip. Pray that we can come alongside the camp’s staff to live out and present the gospel to these teens. We are taking another camp’s staff rock climbing; please pray that this day aids in preparing them for a summer of ministry. Last, we have a multiday trip with a local church; please pray that the Creator of the heavens and earth reveals Himself tangibly on this trip and that their need for Jesus and His unconditional love for them is made clear.
My own personal prayer/praise requests are:
I have injured my arm. Looks like I strained the muscles responsible for pulling and twisting my wrist. If this doesn’t heal quickly and completely I will not be guiding this summer, which would be a bummer. However, I believe in the sovereignty of our Lord and that, if He keeps me off the river this summer, it is to serve His purposes. Still, please pray that it does heal quickly so I can guide.
I have had no trouble sleeping for some weeks now – praise the Lord! Please pray that this continues.
This year I am acting as the female summer staff coordinator. I am responsible for connecting with and discipling these ladies throughout the summer. What an honor! Please pray that I put these ladies’ comforts and needs before my own. Please pray that I learn how to serve in this capacity. Please pray that I approach this in humility as I have just as much to learn from them as they have from me.
Our new summer staff have finished their first week of raft training as well as low ropes challenge course training. They are doing well! Last night they left for rock climbing training (I will be joining them tonight). They have to learn how to tie certain knots and how to facilitate a climbing as well as a rappel station. Our second year summer staff will be learning how to send students on rappel and preparing their rappel talks (Rappelling presents a very, very teachable moment. If you’ve ever backed off a cliff, you know exactly what I mean).
Next week on Tuesday summer staff and trainers will be leaving for Point Runs/Raft 2, which is part of our raft training on the Deschutes River. They will be staying out there until Sunday night, making this one of the most difficult parts of training since no one sleeps well and each of them will be working hard every day that week. Please pray for endurance and perseverance for our summer staff and trainers.
Please pray that each of the summer staff continue to be molded and formed into humble, Spirit-filled vessels that the Lord will use this summer to bring teens to Him. I just want to say that we have an awesome crew working for the Lord at YD Adventures this summer. Thank You, Jesus!
In the month of June we have some very special trips coming up. NW Passages is a group of adults who go through a special 3-year discipleship program and who come to enjoy a day on the challenge course with us at the end of their first year. It’s odd facilitating people who are older than most of us but it’s an honor to kick off our season with people who are so dedicated to following the Lord. We will likely use this trip to help train our first year summer staff, giving them an opportunity to see how we run a challenge course.
Also in June is a trip with students from an alternative school. Please be praying that these students’ hearts will be tender and ready to hear and receive the gospel. Please pray for one-on-one opportunities for staff to share with these students and that staff would recognize, boldly snatch, and be intentional with these opportunities.
We have a camp in WA joining us for a rafting/IK (inflatable kayak) trip. Pray that we can come alongside the camp’s staff to live out and present the gospel to these teens. We are taking another camp’s staff rock climbing; please pray that this day aids in preparing them for a summer of ministry. Last, we have a multiday trip with a local church; please pray that the Creator of the heavens and earth reveals Himself tangibly on this trip and that their need for Jesus and His unconditional love for them is made clear.
My own personal prayer/praise requests are:
I have injured my arm. Looks like I strained the muscles responsible for pulling and twisting my wrist. If this doesn’t heal quickly and completely I will not be guiding this summer, which would be a bummer. However, I believe in the sovereignty of our Lord and that, if He keeps me off the river this summer, it is to serve His purposes. Still, please pray that it does heal quickly so I can guide.
I have had no trouble sleeping for some weeks now – praise the Lord! Please pray that this continues.
This year I am acting as the female summer staff coordinator. I am responsible for connecting with and discipling these ladies throughout the summer. What an honor! Please pray that I put these ladies’ comforts and needs before my own. Please pray that I learn how to serve in this capacity. Please pray that I approach this in humility as I have just as much to learn from them as they have from me.
Monday, February 22, 2010
A New Name
I walked into the dimly-lit auditorium. I could smell the fragrance of scented candles; the stage was lined with a foot-thick border of variously shaped votives. A lamp sat in each back corner of the stage, on the right providing light for two colorful canvases and on the left lighting up the keys of an upright piano where sat a young, thin man. Next to him sat three more young men, one with a guitar, one with a drum, and one sitting with only a microphone. Brightly colored drapes – purple and yellow – were attached to each side of the stage and swooped down to splash color across the floor before the stage. There were three projectors; the main projector portrayed the image of a stained glass window across the back of the stage; the other two projectors were focused on the walls to left and right and contained short bits of scripture.
I found a seat near the front, as I had been instructed to do. I was alone and so felt a little awkward but after being single for over 5 years I’ve learned to brave the awkwardness. I would miss out on many experiences in life if I was unwilling to brave the awkwardness.
Bono from U2 suddenly appeared on the main projector, explaining and then playing his song, “I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For”. Then the projector turned dark and we heard the sound of a storm, thunder cracking and popping, and birds calling out to one another. Suddenly we were being bombarded by the angry, overwhelming sounds of the city: sirens, traffic, many people talking at once. Then a great bell tolling, evoking a sense of reverence. Silence.
Sarah Baldwin, “university pastor and dean of spiritual life at George Fox”, as my itinerary from the Kaleo youth conference stated, stood up and invited everyone who had decided to attend the “Creative Worship” break-out session to experience Shalom, worship at George Fox University.
I enjoyed worshiping with these people, though I was merely one of the masses to them. The young artist worked on her canvas, and I noticed that she was barefoot, and I felt thrilled by her freedom. The young man with only a microphone stood up and tap danced as we sang. Our final song was an a cappella rendition of “This Little Light of Mine.” I have never experienced that song sung so heart fully before. The tap dancer then read for us Matthew 3:16-17.
Finally, Sarah stepped back up on the stage. She spoke to us for a bit and asked, “What is the inner name you go by? Is it ‘Anxious’? ‘Afraid’? ‘Overwhelmed’? Take some time to think about that then I invite you to come down and write that name on the projector. And then, if you wish, we will give you a new name. The name God has given you.”
My mind skimmed through the past few days. Wednesday was the beginning of Lent. I want to take Lent seriously this year, fully immerse myself in this period of time before we celebrate the resurrection of our Lord. I had already heard that Lent was not about showing the world how pious we Christians are or proving how self-disciplined we are. On Thursday evening at Bible study, Cora challenged us to think about what it is we’re holding onto the keeps us from fully receiving the love of Christ.
I entered into my time with the Lord on Friday morning with a sense of expectancy but also hesitancy and unpreparedness. I came before Him naked: I had no agenda, no perfect Bible verses picked out, no spiritual book with all the answers to run to. I had only Him and me.
And He spoke to my heart. He brought up many conversations I’ve had recently with people who love me and know me. He showed me that they all answer the same thing but I have clothed myself with an identity that has become too small and tattered but that I refuse to take off. This old identity I am wearing is pinching and rubbing in all the wrong places, causing me discomfort and pain, causing lack of sleep at night and a sense of being constantly overwhelmed and unhappy. My friends are simply trying to help me take off the old and put on the new, but the old has become such a habit for me I’m having a hard time believing there is a new.
Then I heard Jesus say, “Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you, and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart; and you shall find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy, and My burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30
Friday morning the Lord showed me that I carry a burden that is not my own but that I’ve claimed as my own. It’s the burden of guilt: guilt for everything I say or don’t say, do or don’t do, guilt that I get tired and need to rest, guilt that I have to create boundaries between myself and others, guilt that I feel overwhelmed by all the expectations and appointments and obligations, guilt that I cannot love the way I think a Christian is supposed to love.
“What is the inner name you go by?”
“Guilty,” I wrote on the projector.
As I walked away, Sarah handed me a nametag:
“Hello my name is Beloved.”
I clutched my new name, walked back to my seat, and began to sob. I just stood there with tears coursing down my face. For me, this nametag is an affirmation of what God has been trying to tell me for a long time.
“It was for freedom that Christ set us free; therefore keep standing firm and do not be subject again to a yoke of slavery.” Galatians 5:1
“If therefore the Son shall make you free, you shall be free indeed.” John 8:36
“For you have not received a spirit of slavery leading to fear [or guilt] again, but you have received a spirit of adoption as sons by which we cry out, ‘Abba! Father!’ The Spirit Himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God…” Romans 8:15-16
For Lent this year I am giving up this old identity; I am giving up being “Guilty”. That doesn’t mean I won’t apologize or feel bad when I’m wrong; it means I will try my best not to hold onto it. In other words, I am going to recognize that this is Jesus’ burden and He’s already got it; it rests squarely on His more-than-capable shoulders. That’s why it’s so light for those who come to Him.
“There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has set you free from the law of sin and of death. For what the Law could not do, weak as it was through the flesh, God did: sending His own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and as an offering for sin, He condemned sin in the flesh, in order that the requirement of the Law might be fulfilled in us, who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit.” Romans 8:1-4
“For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish, but have eternal life.” John 3:16
“See how great a love the Father has bestowed upon us, that we should be called children of God; and such we are.” 1 John 3:1a
I am not Guilty. I am Beloved.
I found a seat near the front, as I had been instructed to do. I was alone and so felt a little awkward but after being single for over 5 years I’ve learned to brave the awkwardness. I would miss out on many experiences in life if I was unwilling to brave the awkwardness.
Bono from U2 suddenly appeared on the main projector, explaining and then playing his song, “I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For”. Then the projector turned dark and we heard the sound of a storm, thunder cracking and popping, and birds calling out to one another. Suddenly we were being bombarded by the angry, overwhelming sounds of the city: sirens, traffic, many people talking at once. Then a great bell tolling, evoking a sense of reverence. Silence.
Sarah Baldwin, “university pastor and dean of spiritual life at George Fox”, as my itinerary from the Kaleo youth conference stated, stood up and invited everyone who had decided to attend the “Creative Worship” break-out session to experience Shalom, worship at George Fox University.
I enjoyed worshiping with these people, though I was merely one of the masses to them. The young artist worked on her canvas, and I noticed that she was barefoot, and I felt thrilled by her freedom. The young man with only a microphone stood up and tap danced as we sang. Our final song was an a cappella rendition of “This Little Light of Mine.” I have never experienced that song sung so heart fully before. The tap dancer then read for us Matthew 3:16-17.
Finally, Sarah stepped back up on the stage. She spoke to us for a bit and asked, “What is the inner name you go by? Is it ‘Anxious’? ‘Afraid’? ‘Overwhelmed’? Take some time to think about that then I invite you to come down and write that name on the projector. And then, if you wish, we will give you a new name. The name God has given you.”
My mind skimmed through the past few days. Wednesday was the beginning of Lent. I want to take Lent seriously this year, fully immerse myself in this period of time before we celebrate the resurrection of our Lord. I had already heard that Lent was not about showing the world how pious we Christians are or proving how self-disciplined we are. On Thursday evening at Bible study, Cora challenged us to think about what it is we’re holding onto the keeps us from fully receiving the love of Christ.
I entered into my time with the Lord on Friday morning with a sense of expectancy but also hesitancy and unpreparedness. I came before Him naked: I had no agenda, no perfect Bible verses picked out, no spiritual book with all the answers to run to. I had only Him and me.
And He spoke to my heart. He brought up many conversations I’ve had recently with people who love me and know me. He showed me that they all answer the same thing but I have clothed myself with an identity that has become too small and tattered but that I refuse to take off. This old identity I am wearing is pinching and rubbing in all the wrong places, causing me discomfort and pain, causing lack of sleep at night and a sense of being constantly overwhelmed and unhappy. My friends are simply trying to help me take off the old and put on the new, but the old has become such a habit for me I’m having a hard time believing there is a new.
Then I heard Jesus say, “Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you, and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart; and you shall find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy, and My burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30
Friday morning the Lord showed me that I carry a burden that is not my own but that I’ve claimed as my own. It’s the burden of guilt: guilt for everything I say or don’t say, do or don’t do, guilt that I get tired and need to rest, guilt that I have to create boundaries between myself and others, guilt that I feel overwhelmed by all the expectations and appointments and obligations, guilt that I cannot love the way I think a Christian is supposed to love.
“What is the inner name you go by?”
“Guilty,” I wrote on the projector.
As I walked away, Sarah handed me a nametag:
“Hello my name is Beloved.”
I clutched my new name, walked back to my seat, and began to sob. I just stood there with tears coursing down my face. For me, this nametag is an affirmation of what God has been trying to tell me for a long time.
“It was for freedom that Christ set us free; therefore keep standing firm and do not be subject again to a yoke of slavery.” Galatians 5:1
“If therefore the Son shall make you free, you shall be free indeed.” John 8:36
“For you have not received a spirit of slavery leading to fear [or guilt] again, but you have received a spirit of adoption as sons by which we cry out, ‘Abba! Father!’ The Spirit Himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God…” Romans 8:15-16
For Lent this year I am giving up this old identity; I am giving up being “Guilty”. That doesn’t mean I won’t apologize or feel bad when I’m wrong; it means I will try my best not to hold onto it. In other words, I am going to recognize that this is Jesus’ burden and He’s already got it; it rests squarely on His more-than-capable shoulders. That’s why it’s so light for those who come to Him.
“There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has set you free from the law of sin and of death. For what the Law could not do, weak as it was through the flesh, God did: sending His own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and as an offering for sin, He condemned sin in the flesh, in order that the requirement of the Law might be fulfilled in us, who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit.” Romans 8:1-4
“For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish, but have eternal life.” John 3:16
“See how great a love the Father has bestowed upon us, that we should be called children of God; and such we are.” 1 John 3:1a
I am not Guilty. I am Beloved.
Friday, November 20, 2009
The Difference Between Then and Now
I’m not sure how to share this; I’m not sure I’ve got the words yet, but I have a strong desire to share what I’m going through. Maybe people will understand; maybe they won’t. I don’t really think that matters; people like me who take the time to write things don’t do so in order that other people will understand, but so that the we, the writers, can better understand. That’s why my journal is one of the most important things about me.
When someone tells you they are struggling with depression, what do you think? Do you see someone laying in a darkened room, unwilling to get up, and thinking dark thoughts of death? Someone who can’t smile and possibly never stops crying?
My first thought when I woke up this morning was, “Now I’m going to have to get out of bed,” but it wasn’t too difficult to do so. Then I found myself in the bathroom thinking, “Maybe I made it all up. I’m doing fine.” And I worried that I was a liar.
The thing about depression is that it tricks you. It can come and go so that one moment you’re laughing and the next you feel hurt and abandoned and you want to find some dark place to crawl into and cry. Then you feel fine again and you think, “Well, I don’t know what that was. I shouldn’t tell anyone, though, because I’m fine now.”
Over five years ago I struggled with depression. It got pretty bad. I’m not sure how I hid it so well but I was recently reconnected with my Starbucks manager from that time and I asked him if I could explain everything that had been going on and he replied that he hadn’t noticed anything was wrong. I had apparently and effectively hidden my depression from everyone around me (except maybe my mom; I think she knew something was up).
I didn’t feel as though I had anyone to turn to; I was alone in the world. Every evening I came home and consumed a bottle of wine because without it I couldn’t fall asleep. I would wake up in the middle of the night sobbing for no reason except that’s how I felt inside. In the morning I would wake up and get out of bed like a robot, going to work and plastering that super fake Starbucks girl smile on my face. I spent the whole day hating everyone around me for everything they said to me and wishing - just wishing - I had someone to talk to. But I was convinced there was no one. I fantasized about death, imagining how much easier it would be if I just ended it all; but I knew that was too selfish and I could never pull it off.
It was during that time that I gave my life to Christ. I have never regretted my decision. Christ has given me life that I never want to go without again. When I imagine life without Him, I can only imagine a bleak and hopeless world that I don’t ever want to go back to.
So what now? I recognize the symptoms, though it’s not nearly as bad as it was five years ago. How does Christ make a difference in all this today? That’s what I’m really wondering. He’s with me; He’s giving me life. So how is this time different from last time?
Yesterday I cried for four hours. What set it off was an irrational feeling of abandonment from everyone. I had this hopeless feeling inside me and I knew I had to cut off all my friendships and stop trying to reach out to people before they could hurt me anymore. At the same time there was a small voice inside me (the Holy Spirit?) that said, “No! That’s all wrong! You are loved! Now is the time to reach out to the body of Christ. Do not lock them out.” I resisted this voice for as long as I could (it’s easier to believe there is no one than to muster the courage to ask for help). Finally, I sent out emails requesting prayer and I called my mom and told her what was going on. We talked for a long time and I just cried.
I was home alone nearly all day. I think that was God’s doing, putting me in a position where I would reach out for help for the first time in my life. I texted Jami and Shelli to see when they’d be home. Jami decided to call me back instead of text me (I think God did that on purpose as well) and could tell right away that I was not ok. She insisted that she could come home and within 45 minutes she was there, just sitting beside me. I knew I was loved. I received emails, and phone calls, and hugs from the people I live with, and all these things reminded me that I am loved.
And so, one big difference between then and now is that I have people to turn to - wonderful, tangible people.
Another difference - the biggest difference - is that I have hope. I know Christ - I know my God and my Creator - and that brings me much joy and hope. I know that everything has a purpose and this season of tears is meant to test and purify my faith (1 Peter 1:3-9). What an awesome thing! I am never alone because of this God; I always have Someone to turn to. I have the Holy Spirit as a seal of God’s establishing me in Christ (2 Cor 1:21-22), which means the Truth is always being whispered into my heart. Indeed, the Truth lives and reigns inside me!
Really I think that’s the only difference between then and now. It was Christ who placed in me the desire to seek fellowship, to seek a church and belong to a ministry.
Please don’t think I’ve got this “figured out”. Right now I feel fine so it’s easy to talk and write about hope and joy and all that; it’s easy to sound as though everything’s going to be all right. It won’t always be this easy. There will be moments of pure darkness when I can’t understand the light and I want to inflict the same pain I think others are trying to inflict on me, times when the Holy Spirit is a mere whisper and Satan is raging and blocking everything else out. But still the Holy Spirit will be whispering and the battle has already been won and I will learn to step out of the darkness and abide in the Light. And through this process, I pray that Jesus Christ is glorified, because that’s all that really matters.
Well, I hope this is suitably dramatic for you. I’m a little embarrassed to post it but I’m going to do it anyway. Please be praying for me!
When someone tells you they are struggling with depression, what do you think? Do you see someone laying in a darkened room, unwilling to get up, and thinking dark thoughts of death? Someone who can’t smile and possibly never stops crying?
My first thought when I woke up this morning was, “Now I’m going to have to get out of bed,” but it wasn’t too difficult to do so. Then I found myself in the bathroom thinking, “Maybe I made it all up. I’m doing fine.” And I worried that I was a liar.
The thing about depression is that it tricks you. It can come and go so that one moment you’re laughing and the next you feel hurt and abandoned and you want to find some dark place to crawl into and cry. Then you feel fine again and you think, “Well, I don’t know what that was. I shouldn’t tell anyone, though, because I’m fine now.”
Over five years ago I struggled with depression. It got pretty bad. I’m not sure how I hid it so well but I was recently reconnected with my Starbucks manager from that time and I asked him if I could explain everything that had been going on and he replied that he hadn’t noticed anything was wrong. I had apparently and effectively hidden my depression from everyone around me (except maybe my mom; I think she knew something was up).
I didn’t feel as though I had anyone to turn to; I was alone in the world. Every evening I came home and consumed a bottle of wine because without it I couldn’t fall asleep. I would wake up in the middle of the night sobbing for no reason except that’s how I felt inside. In the morning I would wake up and get out of bed like a robot, going to work and plastering that super fake Starbucks girl smile on my face. I spent the whole day hating everyone around me for everything they said to me and wishing - just wishing - I had someone to talk to. But I was convinced there was no one. I fantasized about death, imagining how much easier it would be if I just ended it all; but I knew that was too selfish and I could never pull it off.
It was during that time that I gave my life to Christ. I have never regretted my decision. Christ has given me life that I never want to go without again. When I imagine life without Him, I can only imagine a bleak and hopeless world that I don’t ever want to go back to.
So what now? I recognize the symptoms, though it’s not nearly as bad as it was five years ago. How does Christ make a difference in all this today? That’s what I’m really wondering. He’s with me; He’s giving me life. So how is this time different from last time?
Yesterday I cried for four hours. What set it off was an irrational feeling of abandonment from everyone. I had this hopeless feeling inside me and I knew I had to cut off all my friendships and stop trying to reach out to people before they could hurt me anymore. At the same time there was a small voice inside me (the Holy Spirit?) that said, “No! That’s all wrong! You are loved! Now is the time to reach out to the body of Christ. Do not lock them out.” I resisted this voice for as long as I could (it’s easier to believe there is no one than to muster the courage to ask for help). Finally, I sent out emails requesting prayer and I called my mom and told her what was going on. We talked for a long time and I just cried.
I was home alone nearly all day. I think that was God’s doing, putting me in a position where I would reach out for help for the first time in my life. I texted Jami and Shelli to see when they’d be home. Jami decided to call me back instead of text me (I think God did that on purpose as well) and could tell right away that I was not ok. She insisted that she could come home and within 45 minutes she was there, just sitting beside me. I knew I was loved. I received emails, and phone calls, and hugs from the people I live with, and all these things reminded me that I am loved.
And so, one big difference between then and now is that I have people to turn to - wonderful, tangible people.
Another difference - the biggest difference - is that I have hope. I know Christ - I know my God and my Creator - and that brings me much joy and hope. I know that everything has a purpose and this season of tears is meant to test and purify my faith (1 Peter 1:3-9). What an awesome thing! I am never alone because of this God; I always have Someone to turn to. I have the Holy Spirit as a seal of God’s establishing me in Christ (2 Cor 1:21-22), which means the Truth is always being whispered into my heart. Indeed, the Truth lives and reigns inside me!
Really I think that’s the only difference between then and now. It was Christ who placed in me the desire to seek fellowship, to seek a church and belong to a ministry.
Please don’t think I’ve got this “figured out”. Right now I feel fine so it’s easy to talk and write about hope and joy and all that; it’s easy to sound as though everything’s going to be all right. It won’t always be this easy. There will be moments of pure darkness when I can’t understand the light and I want to inflict the same pain I think others are trying to inflict on me, times when the Holy Spirit is a mere whisper and Satan is raging and blocking everything else out. But still the Holy Spirit will be whispering and the battle has already been won and I will learn to step out of the darkness and abide in the Light. And through this process, I pray that Jesus Christ is glorified, because that’s all that really matters.
Well, I hope this is suitably dramatic for you. I’m a little embarrassed to post it but I’m going to do it anyway. Please be praying for me!
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Sovereignty and Sheep
On Sunday I visited Household of Faith Community Church to see my young friend, Kaleb, get baptized. While I was there I took the time to seek out a woman for whom I used to baby sit many years ago. When I called Lauri Tauscher’s name, she looked at me blankly for a moment, then recognition registered on her face and she joyfully wrapped her arms around me in one of the longest hugs of my life. She then took me to see her two older kids, the two I used to watch, and we stood and talked for awhile.
I’m not sure Lauri knows much about the past ten years of my life but I don’t think she really cares, either. At one point I mentioned “messing up my life” and she quickly turned to face me, looked me in the eye, and said, “You did not mess up your life. God is sovereign and He has always been in control.”
I have turned that over in my mind many times since she said that. I wonder that I could say, “God is almighty, God is omnipresent, God is in control,” and not understand that He was those things in my life even before I knew Him. It really is a change in perspective for me. I guess I figured that, since I had chosen to live without Him, He had chosen not to control my life. But a God who is sovereign can do naught but control my life.
This morning I read in Genesis, “…the God Who has been my shepherd all my life to this day…” 48:15. I think I would normally have thought, “How nice for Jacob,” but this time, with Lauri’s words still ringing in my head, I realized this is true for me as well; the Lord has been my shepherd all my life.
My friend Tiffany once shared a story of shepherds and their flocks. If a shepherd has a wayward sheep who constantly breaks away from the flock, the shepherd will break the sheep’s leg so it cannot walk on its own, then carry the sheep around on his shoulders until the leg is healed. By the time the sheep can walk on its own again, it has come to know its shepherd intimately and no longer attempts to stray.
This may seem, to some, a very inhumane way to deal with an animal, but I’m sure shepherds tried many ways to cure their flocks of this habit until they found one that worked. I doubt that any shepherd liked to break his sheep’s leg but knew that, in order to form that bond of trust that would keep the sheep alive, it had to be done.
In the Bible, God’s people are frequently referred to as sheep:
“For He is our God, and we are the people of His pasture, and the sheep of His hand.” Psalm 95:7
“For thus says the Lord God, ‘Behold, I Myself will search for My sheep and seek them out. As a shepherd cares for his herd in the day when he is among his scattered sheep, so I will care for My sheep and will deliver them from all the places to which they were scattered on a cloudy and gloomy day.’ ” Isaiah 34:11-12
“And you are My sheep, human sheep of My pasture, and I am your God, declares the Lord GOD.” Ezekiel 34:31
I have always been God’s sheep, and He has always been my Shepherd. He did not want to be the Shepherd from Whom I continually bolted from and so He allowed my legs to be broken so I could not walk without Him. Then, in the moment of my need, He gathered me up in His arms and laid me across His shoulders. What a beautiful picture of God’s faithfulness!
When Lauri reminded me that God was sovereign even when I didn’t know Him, I remembered one of the final verses of Genesis, “ ‘And as for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good in order to bring about this present result…’ ” 50:20. Years ago I shook my fist at God and turned my back on Him, living my life as opposite from how the Bible instructs as possible. On the surface it would seem that each step took me further and further from God, but in reality He was orchestrating everything until I was in a position to recognize Him as my Good Shepherd.
There’s a lot in my past that I have yet to forgive myself for. If I understand that God has always been sovereign in my life and recognize that the goal of life is not to live a stainless life but only to know and follow Jesus Christ, then I know I can forgive myself for what I have done and see these things not as “messing up my life” but “the steps that led me to Life.”
“ ‘My sheep hear My voice, and I know them, and they follow Me; and I give eternal life to them, and they shall never perish; and no one shall snatch them out of My hand. My Father, who has given them to Me, is greater than all; and no one is able to snatch them out of the Father’s hand. I and the Father are one.’ ” John 10:27-30
I’m not sure Lauri knows much about the past ten years of my life but I don’t think she really cares, either. At one point I mentioned “messing up my life” and she quickly turned to face me, looked me in the eye, and said, “You did not mess up your life. God is sovereign and He has always been in control.”
I have turned that over in my mind many times since she said that. I wonder that I could say, “God is almighty, God is omnipresent, God is in control,” and not understand that He was those things in my life even before I knew Him. It really is a change in perspective for me. I guess I figured that, since I had chosen to live without Him, He had chosen not to control my life. But a God who is sovereign can do naught but control my life.
This morning I read in Genesis, “…the God Who has been my shepherd all my life to this day…” 48:15. I think I would normally have thought, “How nice for Jacob,” but this time, with Lauri’s words still ringing in my head, I realized this is true for me as well; the Lord has been my shepherd all my life.
My friend Tiffany once shared a story of shepherds and their flocks. If a shepherd has a wayward sheep who constantly breaks away from the flock, the shepherd will break the sheep’s leg so it cannot walk on its own, then carry the sheep around on his shoulders until the leg is healed. By the time the sheep can walk on its own again, it has come to know its shepherd intimately and no longer attempts to stray.
This may seem, to some, a very inhumane way to deal with an animal, but I’m sure shepherds tried many ways to cure their flocks of this habit until they found one that worked. I doubt that any shepherd liked to break his sheep’s leg but knew that, in order to form that bond of trust that would keep the sheep alive, it had to be done.
In the Bible, God’s people are frequently referred to as sheep:
“For He is our God, and we are the people of His pasture, and the sheep of His hand.” Psalm 95:7
“For thus says the Lord God, ‘Behold, I Myself will search for My sheep and seek them out. As a shepherd cares for his herd in the day when he is among his scattered sheep, so I will care for My sheep and will deliver them from all the places to which they were scattered on a cloudy and gloomy day.’ ” Isaiah 34:11-12
“And you are My sheep, human sheep of My pasture, and I am your God, declares the Lord GOD.” Ezekiel 34:31
I have always been God’s sheep, and He has always been my Shepherd. He did not want to be the Shepherd from Whom I continually bolted from and so He allowed my legs to be broken so I could not walk without Him. Then, in the moment of my need, He gathered me up in His arms and laid me across His shoulders. What a beautiful picture of God’s faithfulness!
When Lauri reminded me that God was sovereign even when I didn’t know Him, I remembered one of the final verses of Genesis, “ ‘And as for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good in order to bring about this present result…’ ” 50:20. Years ago I shook my fist at God and turned my back on Him, living my life as opposite from how the Bible instructs as possible. On the surface it would seem that each step took me further and further from God, but in reality He was orchestrating everything until I was in a position to recognize Him as my Good Shepherd.
There’s a lot in my past that I have yet to forgive myself for. If I understand that God has always been sovereign in my life and recognize that the goal of life is not to live a stainless life but only to know and follow Jesus Christ, then I know I can forgive myself for what I have done and see these things not as “messing up my life” but “the steps that led me to Life.”
“ ‘My sheep hear My voice, and I know them, and they follow Me; and I give eternal life to them, and they shall never perish; and no one shall snatch them out of My hand. My Father, who has given them to Me, is greater than all; and no one is able to snatch them out of the Father’s hand. I and the Father are one.’ ” John 10:27-30
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Lonely
I woke up this morning and realized that I am really lonely. It is at times like this that my singleness seems to become a suffocating burden. I laid in bed and talked to God, telling Him that I am just too lonely. I told Him that I feel as though He will withhold marriage until I have mastered this overbearing feeling of loneliness. He knows, however, that I cannot master this. What is the point of being so lonely?
“Why are you in despair, O my soul? And why have you become disturbed within me?” Psalm 42:5a
I’m around people all the time. Really I’m quite social but superficial society is not something that appeases my loneliness. If someone asks how I am I’m quite willing to be vulnerable but it’s usually at that moment that someone else walks in and the conversation is side-tracked. There’s no opportunity for depth in these situations.
The people I spend time with expect vulnerability from me but I can’t just sit down and pour my heart out just like that. I need a chance to warm up. I need some encouragement. I don’t actually think my struggles are important to other people so I have to get used to the thought that they actually do care before I can open up.
The part that baffles me the most is that, when I finally realize that I need company, everyone disappears. This never fails to happen. Friends will always tell you, “I’ll be there whenever you need me,” but it’s never really true; I can’t actually expect anyone to be there for me. I try calling and emailing but everyone’s busy.
Really I’m too picky. There are few people I’m willing to take this loneliness to. With most people I fear being a burden. With others I’m afraid of being misunderstood.
God, I’m lonely. For someone who seeks solitude, this is really confusing. How do I get out?
“Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him for the help of His presence.” Psalm 42:5b
I reach out to God but He’s not a magician who just fixes my problems. I reach out to Him and still I feel lonely. Then I feel like I must be doing something wrong. This is challenging to my faith. Where is God?
“I will say to God my rock, ‘Why have You forgotten me? Why do I go mourning because of the oppression of the enemy?’ ” Psalm 42:9
What struggle is this? Is it Satan whispering “lonely” into my ear, trying to make me believe I am alone? Is it Satan who is trying to keep me in the dark? Trying to keep alone so I cannot be supported by the body of Christ? I can hide in this darkness and continue in despair and be led toward sin or I can seek the light and see God be glorified (John 3:19-21).
“O send out Your light and Your truth, let them lead me; let them bring me to Your holy hill, and to Your dwelling places. Then I will go to the alter of God, to my exceeding joy; and upon the lyre I will praise You, O God, my God.” Psalm 42:3-4
“Why are you in despair, O my soul? And why have you become disturbed within me?” Psalm 42:5a
I’m around people all the time. Really I’m quite social but superficial society is not something that appeases my loneliness. If someone asks how I am I’m quite willing to be vulnerable but it’s usually at that moment that someone else walks in and the conversation is side-tracked. There’s no opportunity for depth in these situations.
The people I spend time with expect vulnerability from me but I can’t just sit down and pour my heart out just like that. I need a chance to warm up. I need some encouragement. I don’t actually think my struggles are important to other people so I have to get used to the thought that they actually do care before I can open up.
The part that baffles me the most is that, when I finally realize that I need company, everyone disappears. This never fails to happen. Friends will always tell you, “I’ll be there whenever you need me,” but it’s never really true; I can’t actually expect anyone to be there for me. I try calling and emailing but everyone’s busy.
Really I’m too picky. There are few people I’m willing to take this loneliness to. With most people I fear being a burden. With others I’m afraid of being misunderstood.
God, I’m lonely. For someone who seeks solitude, this is really confusing. How do I get out?
“Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him for the help of His presence.” Psalm 42:5b
I reach out to God but He’s not a magician who just fixes my problems. I reach out to Him and still I feel lonely. Then I feel like I must be doing something wrong. This is challenging to my faith. Where is God?
“I will say to God my rock, ‘Why have You forgotten me? Why do I go mourning because of the oppression of the enemy?’ ” Psalm 42:9
What struggle is this? Is it Satan whispering “lonely” into my ear, trying to make me believe I am alone? Is it Satan who is trying to keep me in the dark? Trying to keep alone so I cannot be supported by the body of Christ? I can hide in this darkness and continue in despair and be led toward sin or I can seek the light and see God be glorified (John 3:19-21).
“O send out Your light and Your truth, let them lead me; let them bring me to Your holy hill, and to Your dwelling places. Then I will go to the alter of God, to my exceeding joy; and upon the lyre I will praise You, O God, my God.” Psalm 42:3-4
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Praise and Prayer
I want to start my prayer page by praising God. October 30th marks my 5th Christian birthday. I have the memory of that dreary autumn day firmly lodged in my head, and I also have a journal entry to mark that day forever as the day I found Life. I had been struggling with depression for many months and had finally reached the end of my rope. Just a few weeks previously I had told a friend that I didn’t know how much longer I could take it. She had replied, “Jesus can help you with that.”
I had grown up in a Christian family but had never really taken God seriously. Being a Christian was just the cool thing to do until I grew up and realized how much it restricted me (or at least that’s how I saw it then). I told God that if He wanted me, He’d have to come down and speak right to my face. God didn’t answer my request the way I demanded Him to and so I rebelled, turned my back on Him, and, in time, came to mock Christians and even the idea of there being a God.
I hadn’t liked my friend’s answer but it took root and grew until this day a few weeks later, when I sat on my bed and recorded my first prayer: “God, I don’t want to fake it this time. If I’m going to do this, I really want to know You. Let’s do this for real this time.”
God wouldn’t answer the prayer of my youth because it was made in pride and arrogance. I know now that He had to wait for me to be completely broken so I could understand how much I need Him. When I finally prayed out of this understanding, God showed up and changed my life. The tears of despair became tears of joy. I could smile again and my laughter lost its malicious edge. I began to hope and look forward to the days ahead. I saw His fingerprints everywhere I looked and began to experience the God I had put my faith in, leading me to deeper and deeper faith.
There’s a new (as of this summer) song playing on Christian radio that reminds me of that first year after I came to know the Lord. When I hear it, the memories flood my mind and I feel joy fit to burst and sometimes find myself crying. I want to share that song with you. Here’s a link to a slideshow on you tube: Born Again by Third Day
I ask that you praise the Lord with me as I celebrate 5 years as His child. Also, please pray that I continue to learn what it means to be His child, the love lavished on me, the faithful promises He has made. I hope someday to have so much confidence in who He says I am that I can finally throw all fears to the wind and simply serve Him.
Please pray also for my financial support; I need to raise about $300 in monthly commitments to be at full support. If you feel led to join my financial team or to increase the amount you are already giving, you can click on this link: support page
Finally, praise God that I am on staff with YD Adventures year-round now and pray that I learn how to do my job well and that I have wisdom in what responsibilities to take on here in the office.
Thank you for your prayers and your support! I appreciate that God has placed each of you in my life. It’s an incredible journey and I’m glad the Lord has not asked me to walk it alone.
I had grown up in a Christian family but had never really taken God seriously. Being a Christian was just the cool thing to do until I grew up and realized how much it restricted me (or at least that’s how I saw it then). I told God that if He wanted me, He’d have to come down and speak right to my face. God didn’t answer my request the way I demanded Him to and so I rebelled, turned my back on Him, and, in time, came to mock Christians and even the idea of there being a God.
I hadn’t liked my friend’s answer but it took root and grew until this day a few weeks later, when I sat on my bed and recorded my first prayer: “God, I don’t want to fake it this time. If I’m going to do this, I really want to know You. Let’s do this for real this time.”
God wouldn’t answer the prayer of my youth because it was made in pride and arrogance. I know now that He had to wait for me to be completely broken so I could understand how much I need Him. When I finally prayed out of this understanding, God showed up and changed my life. The tears of despair became tears of joy. I could smile again and my laughter lost its malicious edge. I began to hope and look forward to the days ahead. I saw His fingerprints everywhere I looked and began to experience the God I had put my faith in, leading me to deeper and deeper faith.
There’s a new (as of this summer) song playing on Christian radio that reminds me of that first year after I came to know the Lord. When I hear it, the memories flood my mind and I feel joy fit to burst and sometimes find myself crying. I want to share that song with you. Here’s a link to a slideshow on you tube: Born Again by Third Day
I ask that you praise the Lord with me as I celebrate 5 years as His child. Also, please pray that I continue to learn what it means to be His child, the love lavished on me, the faithful promises He has made. I hope someday to have so much confidence in who He says I am that I can finally throw all fears to the wind and simply serve Him.
Please pray also for my financial support; I need to raise about $300 in monthly commitments to be at full support. If you feel led to join my financial team or to increase the amount you are already giving, you can click on this link: support page
Finally, praise God that I am on staff with YD Adventures year-round now and pray that I learn how to do my job well and that I have wisdom in what responsibilities to take on here in the office.
Thank you for your prayers and your support! I appreciate that God has placed each of you in my life. It’s an incredible journey and I’m glad the Lord has not asked me to walk it alone.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Prayer Request
Hey friends!
I am on a trip starting Fri morning until Sun afternoon. The group is local to the Canby area. Please be praying for the group and the YD staff. Here are my specific prayer requests:
1. That students are challenged to live their faith/take their faith deeper.
2. Discernment for staff to see where God has been working in these students' lives.
3. Ability for staff to join God in this work.
4. That the Lord continues the good work He began during (and probably long before) the missions trip these kids were on earlier this summer.
5. That the Lord would reveal Himself in awesome and wonderful ways.
Thank you! I appreciate your willingness to pray!
I am on a trip starting Fri morning until Sun afternoon. The group is local to the Canby area. Please be praying for the group and the YD staff. Here are my specific prayer requests:
1. That students are challenged to live their faith/take their faith deeper.
2. Discernment for staff to see where God has been working in these students' lives.
3. Ability for staff to join God in this work.
4. That the Lord continues the good work He began during (and probably long before) the missions trip these kids were on earlier this summer.
5. That the Lord would reveal Himself in awesome and wonderful ways.
Thank you! I appreciate your willingness to pray!
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Adventure
My solo day today was spent on Angel’s Rest in the Gorge. The hike up was awesome but not as satisfying as I’d hoped. I wanted to talk to God the whole way up - like one would a friend one is hiking with - but kept fantasizing about things instead. I have a problem with my imagination; it’s always running away with me.
One thing was established on the way up. During 4th of July weekend, I believe God gave me a hint of something my future may hold. However, it’s a long way off, if it ever happens at all. I can’t disclose what, exactly, He has told me but I can tell you that it scares me. Not in a “that’s a horrible thing I hope it never happens!” way but in a “Is that even possible?” way. But with the knowledge that He may call me to something I see as impossible, I know that all things are possible through Christ who strengthens me.
On our way up to Angel’s Rest I told Him, “I will go.” To which He responded, “Be still.”
The God of heaven and earth is the most exasperating individual in all of eternity! It seems to me as though that is the most frequent answer to all my prayers. Sometimes I want to ask, “What is this ‘Be still’ crap?”
Thankfully “Be still” is not the same thing as “Do nothing.” For now I will “Be still” while continuing to do ministry through YD Adventures, finding a part time job to pay off my debt, and serving the Lord in other small but meaningful ways. I can only do the things He has set before me to do and wait until He tells me to take the next step.
I’ll tell you one thing; my life has not ceased being an adventure since I gave it to Christ. It’s not always easy or fun but it’s frequently challenging and always worth living. Jesus did, after all, tell us that He came so we could have life to the full (John 10:10).
But that takes believing in and following Jesus. God created us for Himself and so we can never have life to the full as long as we are living it for ourselves. “Be still,” He tells us, “and know that I am God.” What does it mean to know He is God? It means to understand that He is Lord and Creator, that He holds all power and all our rights, that He is the author of our faith and the inventor of grace, that He is love, and then to respond by bending our knees and bowing our heads in surrender and proclaiming, “He is God!”
I write this and at the same time realize that I have to go through this process daily. I am only human and it is a struggle to give up my selfishness and let Christ rule in my heart. But I would rather have God’s adventure for my life than my own selfish ways any day.
One thing was established on the way up. During 4th of July weekend, I believe God gave me a hint of something my future may hold. However, it’s a long way off, if it ever happens at all. I can’t disclose what, exactly, He has told me but I can tell you that it scares me. Not in a “that’s a horrible thing I hope it never happens!” way but in a “Is that even possible?” way. But with the knowledge that He may call me to something I see as impossible, I know that all things are possible through Christ who strengthens me.
On our way up to Angel’s Rest I told Him, “I will go.” To which He responded, “Be still.”
The God of heaven and earth is the most exasperating individual in all of eternity! It seems to me as though that is the most frequent answer to all my prayers. Sometimes I want to ask, “What is this ‘Be still’ crap?”
Thankfully “Be still” is not the same thing as “Do nothing.” For now I will “Be still” while continuing to do ministry through YD Adventures, finding a part time job to pay off my debt, and serving the Lord in other small but meaningful ways. I can only do the things He has set before me to do and wait until He tells me to take the next step.
I’ll tell you one thing; my life has not ceased being an adventure since I gave it to Christ. It’s not always easy or fun but it’s frequently challenging and always worth living. Jesus did, after all, tell us that He came so we could have life to the full (John 10:10).
But that takes believing in and following Jesus. God created us for Himself and so we can never have life to the full as long as we are living it for ourselves. “Be still,” He tells us, “and know that I am God.” What does it mean to know He is God? It means to understand that He is Lord and Creator, that He holds all power and all our rights, that He is the author of our faith and the inventor of grace, that He is love, and then to respond by bending our knees and bowing our heads in surrender and proclaiming, “He is God!”
I write this and at the same time realize that I have to go through this process daily. I am only human and it is a struggle to give up my selfishness and let Christ rule in my heart. But I would rather have God’s adventure for my life than my own selfish ways any day.
Friday, July 10, 2009
Light
“If God allows the sun to shine upon you moment by moment, without intermission, will not God let His life shine upon you every moment? And why have you not experienced it? Because you have not trusted God for it, and you do not surrender yourself absolutely to God in that trust.” *Murray, 8
“In Him was life, and the life was the light of men. And the light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not comprehend it.” John 1:4-5
What the light reveals in us is death (“… for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God…” Romans 3:23; “For the wages of sin is death…” Romans 6:23a). We do not trust God so we close all the blinds of our soul, hoping to shut out the light (“And this is the judgment, that the light is come into the world, and men loved the darkness rather than the light; for their deeds were evil” John 3:19). What we don’t realize is that we are hiding nothing from the light; it sees all (“Even the darkness is not dark to You, and the night is as bright as the day. Darkness and light are alike to You.” Psalm 139:12). We are merely blinding ourselves from the light and what it reveals, effectively keeping us from discovering the life this light provides.
“…but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 6:23b
“There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has set you free from the law of sin and of death.” Romans 8:1-2
“…I came that they might have life, and might have it abundantly.” John 10:10b
* “Absolute Surrender” by Andrew Murray
“In Him was life, and the life was the light of men. And the light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not comprehend it.” John 1:4-5
What the light reveals in us is death (“… for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God…” Romans 3:23; “For the wages of sin is death…” Romans 6:23a). We do not trust God so we close all the blinds of our soul, hoping to shut out the light (“And this is the judgment, that the light is come into the world, and men loved the darkness rather than the light; for their deeds were evil” John 3:19). What we don’t realize is that we are hiding nothing from the light; it sees all (“Even the darkness is not dark to You, and the night is as bright as the day. Darkness and light are alike to You.” Psalm 139:12). We are merely blinding ourselves from the light and what it reveals, effectively keeping us from discovering the life this light provides.
“…but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 6:23b
“There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has set you free from the law of sin and of death.” Romans 8:1-2
“…I came that they might have life, and might have it abundantly.” John 10:10b
* “Absolute Surrender” by Andrew Murray
Monday, June 15, 2009
Ebenezer
I had the luxury of going up to the Long Beach Peninsula in WA this past spring. My parents own some lovely bay front property in Oysterville and I occasionally snag the opportunity to go up there alone and pray. I especially try to do this before the YD summer kicks off. I love solo retreats but I remember the last one I took; I had high expectations which weren’t met and I was extremely disappointed. I made up my mind then that I would never go into my retreats with my own agenda again. Instead, I would go in prayerfully and ready to accept what God had for me.
I mentioned this at our Southgate women’s Bible study and it was suggested to me that I go into this solo retreat with only the expectation of letting the Lord enjoy me. I liked this idea and prayed for days, “Lord, what can I do to make sure You can enjoy me?” The only direction I got from the Lord was, “Know that I am good.” Thus, I left Friday morning with only the ideas “God is good” and “let Him enjoy me” on my heart.
(Hahaha, as I type this, the song “God is Good” by Enter the Worship Circle just started playing on my computer. Awesome!)
God is good! He is far too good for my mind or imagination to comprehend.
After I got settled into the trailer and had walked out to say hello to the Willapa Bay I settled down with my Bible and a couple devotional books, including “The Calvary Road” by Roy Hession. Our director at YD Adventures had been encouraging us to read the interview in the back of this book and so I opened it up and began to read. I didn’t get very far before something that I still think is incredible happened. Here’s my journal entry from that moment:
From “The Calvary Road” p 112:
“And I remember one of them said, ‘Roy, you need to repent.’ I said, ‘Where do I need to repent?’ In all honesty I didn’t know - I was working so hard, I was praying so much, I was preaching so strong, doing so much.”
I read this and no further before I felt the urge to get down on my face and repent for trying so hard. It felt ridiculous and over dramatic but who really cares? No one’s here! So I wept and repented for trying and admitted that I don’t know how not to. I asked, “When can I start living as a child of God? Why am I waiting until I’m perfect?” Then I admitted to feeling bad that I have to take, take, take but suddenly realized that You are infinite so You can give, give, give and that’s what You want; that’s what You’re asking for.
So, Lord, teach me to stop trying and start taking. Screw perfectionism. I’m just going to take because You’re offering and I’m going to keep taking until I’m overflowing and then I’m going to GIVE what You’ve GIVEN me and I’m going to revel in the joy of TAKING and not TRYING!
I then left for the beach and watched the sun set, giddy with joy and feeling as though a huge weight had been taken from my shoulders. The rest of the weekend God confirmed that message to me through the Bible and books I was reading.
One conversation Jesus and I had on the beach was about His blood. Roy Hession writes a lot about being cleansed by the blood of Jesus. Deep down inside I always had the impression that, although Jesus gave His blood freely, it was my responsibility to wash myself. I was so confused as to how to actually “apply the blood” that I rarely felt as though my sins had been cleansed by His blood. As the sun was disappearing behind our slowly revolving earth, Jesus told me that I am not responsible for scrubbing myself clean. I need only surrender myself to Him, ask to be cleansed by His blood; He’ll do all the washing. No more trying.
I’d been reading through Romans for many weeks by the time I went to WA for my retreat. Here’s another piece to my journal:
Haha! I feel like I just found the proper meaning of this verse:
“He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him up for us all, how will He not also with Him freely give us all things?” Romans 8:32
You don’t want us to try and do it on our own. You want us to take. You are freely giving us all things.
Give, give, give, that’s what the God I know does. Lord, I pray to receive your gifts freely. Open my hands and teach me to take from You. Disallow me to try any longer. If I belong to You - which I do - then I shall receive every good thing from You.
“Every good thing bestowed and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation, or shifting shadow.” James 1:17
The Bible is riddled with God offering us free gifts. I think I always just looked at this and thought, “That’s nice of Him,” without actually receiving any of these gifts. Here He is: infinite, omnipotent, sovereign, and I’m rejecting His gifts (postulating: ) “because I might need them later.”
I need them now!
“For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life through Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 6:23
The same day I opened up “Prayer” by Richard Foster and read:
“Instead of striving to make this or that happen, we learn trust in a heavenly Father who loves to give. This does not promote inactivity, but it does promote dependent activity. No longer do we take things into our own hands. Rather, we place all things into divine hands and then act out of inner promptings.” p 96
Later I read psalm 145. This verse stuck out:
“Thou dost open Thy hand, and dost satisfy the desire of every living thing.” vs. 16
To this I responded:
I imagine shy, flighty birds finding One whose peace and goodness is such that they are willing to sit in and eat from His hand. And I think that’s true and Your hand is always open and we are always invited to eat from it. What I desire is to stay and never leave.
Then from Romans I read:
“But as for Israel He says, ‘All the day long I have stretched out my hands to a disobedient and obstinate people.” Romans 10:21
I always thought of God’s hand stretching palm side down, as though to take our hand. After reading Psalm 145 I see in my mind God stretching out cupped hands saying, “It’s free! Take it!” He’s holding out a free gift, urging us to take it.
Still later I read:
“For the scripture says, ‘Whoever believes in Him will not be disappointed.’ For there is no distinction between Jew and Greek; for the same Lord is Lord of all, abounding in riches for all who call upon Him; for ‘Whoever will call upon the name of the Lord will be saved.’” Romans 10:11-13
Then:
“It is so often self who tries to live the Christian life (the mere fact that we use the word ‘try’ indicates that it is self who has the responsibility)” The Calvary Road p 22
“… the only life that pleases God and that can be victorious is His life - never our own life, no matter how hard we try.” The Calvary Road p 25
The message is very clear. No more trying. Let be continually broken before You, continually washed in the blood. Lord, this is what I want to take with me from this weekend; no more trying; not “I” but Christ in me and through me.
I think I need to keep in mind that this is still a process. I have much to learn and many old habits You need to break. Ah, brokenness!
Since that weekend I have experientially learned that this is indeed a process. I have forgotten to ask for God’s infinite gifts; I have tried really hard; I have been prideful; I have failed. I have even been enormously frustrated with myself for not remembering to do it right. But each time I “fail” I take one step closer to better understanding that what God offers is free, infinite, and available whenever I ask for it. Each time I “fail” I take one step closer to remembering that I need only ask and He will give.
I have explained as much of this through scripture as I can because 1. That’s how God explained it to me and 2. As God says in Isaiah 55:10-11, “For the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and do not return there without watering the earth, and making it bear and sprout, and furnishing seed to the sower and bread to the eater; so shall My word be which goes forth from My mouth; it shall not return to Me empty, without accomplishing what I desire, and without succeeding in the matter for which I sent it.”
I mentioned this at our Southgate women’s Bible study and it was suggested to me that I go into this solo retreat with only the expectation of letting the Lord enjoy me. I liked this idea and prayed for days, “Lord, what can I do to make sure You can enjoy me?” The only direction I got from the Lord was, “Know that I am good.” Thus, I left Friday morning with only the ideas “God is good” and “let Him enjoy me” on my heart.
(Hahaha, as I type this, the song “God is Good” by Enter the Worship Circle just started playing on my computer. Awesome!)
God is good! He is far too good for my mind or imagination to comprehend.
After I got settled into the trailer and had walked out to say hello to the Willapa Bay I settled down with my Bible and a couple devotional books, including “The Calvary Road” by Roy Hession. Our director at YD Adventures had been encouraging us to read the interview in the back of this book and so I opened it up and began to read. I didn’t get very far before something that I still think is incredible happened. Here’s my journal entry from that moment:
From “The Calvary Road” p 112:
“And I remember one of them said, ‘Roy, you need to repent.’ I said, ‘Where do I need to repent?’ In all honesty I didn’t know - I was working so hard, I was praying so much, I was preaching so strong, doing so much.”
I read this and no further before I felt the urge to get down on my face and repent for trying so hard. It felt ridiculous and over dramatic but who really cares? No one’s here! So I wept and repented for trying and admitted that I don’t know how not to. I asked, “When can I start living as a child of God? Why am I waiting until I’m perfect?” Then I admitted to feeling bad that I have to take, take, take but suddenly realized that You are infinite so You can give, give, give and that’s what You want; that’s what You’re asking for.
So, Lord, teach me to stop trying and start taking. Screw perfectionism. I’m just going to take because You’re offering and I’m going to keep taking until I’m overflowing and then I’m going to GIVE what You’ve GIVEN me and I’m going to revel in the joy of TAKING and not TRYING!
I then left for the beach and watched the sun set, giddy with joy and feeling as though a huge weight had been taken from my shoulders. The rest of the weekend God confirmed that message to me through the Bible and books I was reading.
One conversation Jesus and I had on the beach was about His blood. Roy Hession writes a lot about being cleansed by the blood of Jesus. Deep down inside I always had the impression that, although Jesus gave His blood freely, it was my responsibility to wash myself. I was so confused as to how to actually “apply the blood” that I rarely felt as though my sins had been cleansed by His blood. As the sun was disappearing behind our slowly revolving earth, Jesus told me that I am not responsible for scrubbing myself clean. I need only surrender myself to Him, ask to be cleansed by His blood; He’ll do all the washing. No more trying.
I’d been reading through Romans for many weeks by the time I went to WA for my retreat. Here’s another piece to my journal:
Haha! I feel like I just found the proper meaning of this verse:
“He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him up for us all, how will He not also with Him freely give us all things?” Romans 8:32
You don’t want us to try and do it on our own. You want us to take. You are freely giving us all things.
Give, give, give, that’s what the God I know does. Lord, I pray to receive your gifts freely. Open my hands and teach me to take from You. Disallow me to try any longer. If I belong to You - which I do - then I shall receive every good thing from You.
“Every good thing bestowed and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation, or shifting shadow.” James 1:17
The Bible is riddled with God offering us free gifts. I think I always just looked at this and thought, “That’s nice of Him,” without actually receiving any of these gifts. Here He is: infinite, omnipotent, sovereign, and I’m rejecting His gifts (postulating: ) “because I might need them later.”
I need them now!
“For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life through Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 6:23
The same day I opened up “Prayer” by Richard Foster and read:
“Instead of striving to make this or that happen, we learn trust in a heavenly Father who loves to give. This does not promote inactivity, but it does promote dependent activity. No longer do we take things into our own hands. Rather, we place all things into divine hands and then act out of inner promptings.” p 96
Later I read psalm 145. This verse stuck out:
“Thou dost open Thy hand, and dost satisfy the desire of every living thing.” vs. 16
To this I responded:
I imagine shy, flighty birds finding One whose peace and goodness is such that they are willing to sit in and eat from His hand. And I think that’s true and Your hand is always open and we are always invited to eat from it. What I desire is to stay and never leave.
Then from Romans I read:
“But as for Israel He says, ‘All the day long I have stretched out my hands to a disobedient and obstinate people.” Romans 10:21
I always thought of God’s hand stretching palm side down, as though to take our hand. After reading Psalm 145 I see in my mind God stretching out cupped hands saying, “It’s free! Take it!” He’s holding out a free gift, urging us to take it.
Still later I read:
“For the scripture says, ‘Whoever believes in Him will not be disappointed.’ For there is no distinction between Jew and Greek; for the same Lord is Lord of all, abounding in riches for all who call upon Him; for ‘Whoever will call upon the name of the Lord will be saved.’” Romans 10:11-13
Then:
“It is so often self who tries to live the Christian life (the mere fact that we use the word ‘try’ indicates that it is self who has the responsibility)” The Calvary Road p 22
“… the only life that pleases God and that can be victorious is His life - never our own life, no matter how hard we try.” The Calvary Road p 25
The message is very clear. No more trying. Let be continually broken before You, continually washed in the blood. Lord, this is what I want to take with me from this weekend; no more trying; not “I” but Christ in me and through me.
I think I need to keep in mind that this is still a process. I have much to learn and many old habits You need to break. Ah, brokenness!
Since that weekend I have experientially learned that this is indeed a process. I have forgotten to ask for God’s infinite gifts; I have tried really hard; I have been prideful; I have failed. I have even been enormously frustrated with myself for not remembering to do it right. But each time I “fail” I take one step closer to better understanding that what God offers is free, infinite, and available whenever I ask for it. Each time I “fail” I take one step closer to remembering that I need only ask and He will give.
I have explained as much of this through scripture as I can because 1. That’s how God explained it to me and 2. As God says in Isaiah 55:10-11, “For the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and do not return there without watering the earth, and making it bear and sprout, and furnishing seed to the sower and bread to the eater; so shall My word be which goes forth from My mouth; it shall not return to Me empty, without accomplishing what I desire, and without succeeding in the matter for which I sent it.”
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