I had the luxury of going up to the Long Beach Peninsula in WA this past spring. My parents own some lovely bay front property in Oysterville and I occasionally snag the opportunity to go up there alone and pray. I especially try to do this before the YD summer kicks off. I love solo retreats but I remember the last one I took; I had high expectations which weren’t met and I was extremely disappointed. I made up my mind then that I would never go into my retreats with my own agenda again. Instead, I would go in prayerfully and ready to accept what God had for me.
I mentioned this at our Southgate women’s Bible study and it was suggested to me that I go into this solo retreat with only the expectation of letting the Lord enjoy me. I liked this idea and prayed for days, “Lord, what can I do to make sure You can enjoy me?” The only direction I got from the Lord was, “Know that I am good.” Thus, I left Friday morning with only the ideas “God is good” and “let Him enjoy me” on my heart.
(Hahaha, as I type this, the song “God is Good” by Enter the Worship Circle just started playing on my computer. Awesome!)
God is good! He is far too good for my mind or imagination to comprehend.
After I got settled into the trailer and had walked out to say hello to the Willapa Bay I settled down with my Bible and a couple devotional books, including “The Calvary Road” by Roy Hession. Our director at YD Adventures had been encouraging us to read the interview in the back of this book and so I opened it up and began to read. I didn’t get very far before something that I still think is incredible happened. Here’s my journal entry from that moment:
From “The Calvary Road” p 112:
“And I remember one of them said, ‘Roy, you need to repent.’ I said, ‘Where do I need to repent?’ In all honesty I didn’t know - I was working so hard, I was praying so much, I was preaching so strong, doing so much.”
I read this and no further before I felt the urge to get down on my face and repent for trying so hard. It felt ridiculous and over dramatic but who really cares? No one’s here! So I wept and repented for trying and admitted that I don’t know how not to. I asked, “When can I start living as a child of God? Why am I waiting until I’m perfect?” Then I admitted to feeling bad that I have to take, take, take but suddenly realized that You are infinite so You can give, give, give and that’s what You want; that’s what You’re asking for.
So, Lord, teach me to stop trying and start taking. Screw perfectionism. I’m just going to take because You’re offering and I’m going to keep taking until I’m overflowing and then I’m going to GIVE what You’ve GIVEN me and I’m going to revel in the joy of TAKING and not TRYING!
I then left for the beach and watched the sun set, giddy with joy and feeling as though a huge weight had been taken from my shoulders. The rest of the weekend God confirmed that message to me through the Bible and books I was reading.
One conversation Jesus and I had on the beach was about His blood. Roy Hession writes a lot about being cleansed by the blood of Jesus. Deep down inside I always had the impression that, although Jesus gave His blood freely, it was my responsibility to wash myself. I was so confused as to how to actually “apply the blood” that I rarely felt as though my sins had been cleansed by His blood. As the sun was disappearing behind our slowly revolving earth, Jesus told me that I am not responsible for scrubbing myself clean. I need only surrender myself to Him, ask to be cleansed by His blood; He’ll do all the washing. No more trying.
I’d been reading through Romans for many weeks by the time I went to WA for my retreat. Here’s another piece to my journal:
Haha! I feel like I just found the proper meaning of this verse:
“He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him up for us all, how will He not also with Him freely give us all things?” Romans 8:32
You don’t want us to try and do it on our own. You want us to take. You are freely giving us all things.
Give, give, give, that’s what the God I know does. Lord, I pray to receive your gifts freely. Open my hands and teach me to take from You. Disallow me to try any longer. If I belong to You - which I do - then I shall receive every good thing from You.
“Every good thing bestowed and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation, or shifting shadow.” James 1:17
The Bible is riddled with God offering us free gifts. I think I always just looked at this and thought, “That’s nice of Him,” without actually receiving any of these gifts. Here He is: infinite, omnipotent, sovereign, and I’m rejecting His gifts (postulating: ) “because I might need them later.”
I need them now!
“For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life through Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 6:23
The same day I opened up “Prayer” by Richard Foster and read:
“Instead of striving to make this or that happen, we learn trust in a heavenly Father who loves to give. This does not promote inactivity, but it does promote dependent activity. No longer do we take things into our own hands. Rather, we place all things into divine hands and then act out of inner promptings.” p 96
Later I read psalm 145. This verse stuck out:
“Thou dost open Thy hand, and dost satisfy the desire of every living thing.” vs. 16
To this I responded:
I imagine shy, flighty birds finding One whose peace and goodness is such that they are willing to sit in and eat from His hand. And I think that’s true and Your hand is always open and we are always invited to eat from it. What I desire is to stay and never leave.
Then from Romans I read:
“But as for Israel He says, ‘All the day long I have stretched out my hands to a disobedient and obstinate people.” Romans 10:21
I always thought of God’s hand stretching palm side down, as though to take our hand. After reading Psalm 145 I see in my mind God stretching out cupped hands saying, “It’s free! Take it!” He’s holding out a free gift, urging us to take it.
Still later I read:
“For the scripture says, ‘Whoever believes in Him will not be disappointed.’ For there is no distinction between Jew and Greek; for the same Lord is Lord of all, abounding in riches for all who call upon Him; for ‘Whoever will call upon the name of the Lord will be saved.’” Romans 10:11-13
Then:
“It is so often self who tries to live the Christian life (the mere fact that we use the word ‘try’ indicates that it is self who has the responsibility)” The Calvary Road p 22
“… the only life that pleases God and that can be victorious is His life - never our own life, no matter how hard we try.” The Calvary Road p 25
The message is very clear. No more trying. Let be continually broken before You, continually washed in the blood. Lord, this is what I want to take with me from this weekend; no more trying; not “I” but Christ in me and through me.
I think I need to keep in mind that this is still a process. I have much to learn and many old habits You need to break. Ah, brokenness!
Since that weekend I have experientially learned that this is indeed a process. I have forgotten to ask for God’s infinite gifts; I have tried really hard; I have been prideful; I have failed. I have even been enormously frustrated with myself for not remembering to do it right. But each time I “fail” I take one step closer to better understanding that what God offers is free, infinite, and available whenever I ask for it. Each time I “fail” I take one step closer to remembering that I need only ask and He will give.
I have explained as much of this through scripture as I can because 1. That’s how God explained it to me and 2. As God says in Isaiah 55:10-11, “For the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and do not return there without watering the earth, and making it bear and sprout, and furnishing seed to the sower and bread to the eater; so shall My word be which goes forth from My mouth; it shall not return to Me empty, without accomplishing what I desire, and without succeeding in the matter for which I sent it.”
Monday, June 15, 2009
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Our Bodies
“My legs are too short”… “I’m so fat”… “My calves are too big”… “I have thunder thighs” … “There’s this roll of fat around my midsection I can’t get rid of”.
And so we go, if not externally then internally. Right, ladies?
I’ve been having a thought lately. The point was made to me recently through the book of James that, to God, all sin is equal whereas mankind rates sin. Rape is worse than adultery; murder is worse than verbally attacking someone; driving drunk is worse than driving over the speed limit, etc. But Christians learn to understand that, if all sin is equal in the eyes of God then committing adultery is just as bad as rape which is just as bad as verbally attacking someone which is just as bad as… Sin is sin and all sin must be repented of.
I think we do a similar thing with out bodies. Someone, somewhere, somehow, has created a standard. If you don’t fit into this standard, you’re not gorgeous. We are always comparing our bodies to other people‘s - women being worse, I think, then men (men maybe do this more with other things?) and I, personally, being one of the worst I know - listing all our “shortcomings” and beating ourselves up for not living up to this “standard”.
What if we understood that the true judge of beauty is God? What standard, then, must we live up to? He created our bodies; has God ever done anything less then perfectly? I would say not!
I am tired of trying to live my life to shallow standards created by mankind. Free me, Lord, to see my body as one of Your perfect creations. And, Lord, set my thinking straight; the purpose of my body is as one tool to serve You and see You glorified. It is nothing more than that. My body is not what brings me life, joy, or freedom; only You do can do that.
The correlation between the two is only that mankind creates these standards and then we live by them, believing them to be true, while God is calling us to live by His standards, which are Truth. I want to live by God’s standards and not man’s.
Oh, one more thing: God may do things perfectly but we forever fall short of perfection. Thus, He may have created a perfect body to house your spirit; still, if you are glutinous or lazy or just don't have time to take care of yourself, you may get fat. Or, if you're starving yourself to fit into man's standard, your body is equally unhealthy to any fat person's. I encourage you to take care of your body! It's the temple of God's Holy Spirit!
And so we go, if not externally then internally. Right, ladies?
I’ve been having a thought lately. The point was made to me recently through the book of James that, to God, all sin is equal whereas mankind rates sin. Rape is worse than adultery; murder is worse than verbally attacking someone; driving drunk is worse than driving over the speed limit, etc. But Christians learn to understand that, if all sin is equal in the eyes of God then committing adultery is just as bad as rape which is just as bad as verbally attacking someone which is just as bad as… Sin is sin and all sin must be repented of.
I think we do a similar thing with out bodies. Someone, somewhere, somehow, has created a standard. If you don’t fit into this standard, you’re not gorgeous. We are always comparing our bodies to other people‘s - women being worse, I think, then men (men maybe do this more with other things?) and I, personally, being one of the worst I know - listing all our “shortcomings” and beating ourselves up for not living up to this “standard”.
What if we understood that the true judge of beauty is God? What standard, then, must we live up to? He created our bodies; has God ever done anything less then perfectly? I would say not!
I am tired of trying to live my life to shallow standards created by mankind. Free me, Lord, to see my body as one of Your perfect creations. And, Lord, set my thinking straight; the purpose of my body is as one tool to serve You and see You glorified. It is nothing more than that. My body is not what brings me life, joy, or freedom; only You do can do that.
The correlation between the two is only that mankind creates these standards and then we live by them, believing them to be true, while God is calling us to live by His standards, which are Truth. I want to live by God’s standards and not man’s.
Oh, one more thing: God may do things perfectly but we forever fall short of perfection. Thus, He may have created a perfect body to house your spirit; still, if you are glutinous or lazy or just don't have time to take care of yourself, you may get fat. Or, if you're starving yourself to fit into man's standard, your body is equally unhealthy to any fat person's. I encourage you to take care of your body! It's the temple of God's Holy Spirit!
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Controlled By Love?
My decision to do lectio with 2 Cor 5:14-15 this morning was made because verse 15 says, “…they who live should no longer live for themselves…” because I very much so want to learn, in my heart, that life does not revolve around me.
And so I read:
“For the love of Christ controls us, having concluded this, that one died for all, therefore all died; and He died for all, that they who live should no longer live for themselves, but for Him who died and rose again on their behalf.”
That very first line, “For the love of Christ controls us…” struck me hard. I am controlled by my lusts and passions, by my hates. I am a slave to sin! If only I was controlled by the love of Christ!
Although I don’t think I fully grasp the next part, “…that one died for all, therefore all died…” it did strike me as I read it and the part after, “… and He died for all..” that God died. That should be the most momentous occasion in all of history! Good thing it was “only” God in the flesh that died; if His Spirit were destroyed (which is impossible), we would all be snuffed out, “…for in Him we live and move and exist…” Acts 17:28. Without God, we cannot exist.
How do I accept the sacrifice of God dying on my behalf (I am not controlled by His love but by sin thus I deserve death but His death gave me life if I choose to accept His sacrifice, which I have.)? I suppose, simply (“simple” in theory), that I would die to myself and live for Him, thus living controlled by His love.
It actually kind of shocks me, thinking about it now, how I have accepted His death on my behalf and yet do not live controlled by His love. What a slap in God’s face!
And so I read:
“For the love of Christ controls us, having concluded this, that one died for all, therefore all died; and He died for all, that they who live should no longer live for themselves, but for Him who died and rose again on their behalf.”
That very first line, “For the love of Christ controls us…” struck me hard. I am controlled by my lusts and passions, by my hates. I am a slave to sin! If only I was controlled by the love of Christ!
Although I don’t think I fully grasp the next part, “…that one died for all, therefore all died…” it did strike me as I read it and the part after, “… and He died for all..” that God died. That should be the most momentous occasion in all of history! Good thing it was “only” God in the flesh that died; if His Spirit were destroyed (which is impossible), we would all be snuffed out, “…for in Him we live and move and exist…” Acts 17:28. Without God, we cannot exist.
How do I accept the sacrifice of God dying on my behalf (I am not controlled by His love but by sin thus I deserve death but His death gave me life if I choose to accept His sacrifice, which I have.)? I suppose, simply (“simple” in theory), that I would die to myself and live for Him, thus living controlled by His love.
It actually kind of shocks me, thinking about it now, how I have accepted His death on my behalf and yet do not live controlled by His love. What a slap in God’s face!
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Today
"Oh Lord, You have searched me and known me." Psalm 139:1
Today I invited God to see the rotten core inside me...
...and He told me He loves me.
Today I invited God to see the rotten core inside me...
...and He told me He loves me.
Friday, February 27, 2009
From My Journal
“Oh Lord, You have searched me and known.” Psalm 139:1
During yesterday’s lectio divina I heard God speak through this verse about the intimacy He and I have with one another. Through this verse today He spoke to me of the Holy Spirit; I was reaching inside myself to hear Him and I thought, “Why would I do that? Where is God?” I remembered the Holy Spirit and then Romans 8:26-27 came to mind.
Lord, I am kneeling here wondering how I could give You my life then snatch it back; how could I give You my life then build walls so You can’t have it? When I try to do this lectio, when I try to be quiet before You, I sense those walls. And even though I built them, I am powerless to knock them down. I can do nothing; You must do it.
So I give You my walls.
During yesterday’s lectio divina I heard God speak through this verse about the intimacy He and I have with one another. Through this verse today He spoke to me of the Holy Spirit; I was reaching inside myself to hear Him and I thought, “Why would I do that? Where is God?” I remembered the Holy Spirit and then Romans 8:26-27 came to mind.
Lord, I am kneeling here wondering how I could give You my life then snatch it back; how could I give You my life then build walls so You can’t have it? When I try to do this lectio, when I try to be quiet before You, I sense those walls. And even though I built them, I am powerless to knock them down. I can do nothing; You must do it.
So I give You my walls.
Monday, February 23, 2009
My BMI
A week ago Monday I showed up at the gym to get my Body Mass Index (BMI) officially measured. It was costing me $10 but the results would finally put my mind at ease and so was worth it. You see, over a year ago I signed up with a website called http://www.calledsparkpeople.com/ to track my calories consumed while eating and burned while exercising to see if I could lose the weight that I felt was plaguing me. Spark people suggested that people of my height should weigh anywhere from 100-130 lbs. At the time I weighed 155 lbs and felt that 135 was a plausible goal.
And so I began the hard work of tracking every morsel of food that went in my mouth and every step I took in cardio exercise. I added lifting weights to my exercise repertoire and measured my hips, waste, and neck so I could track the inches I lost (because muscle weighs more than fat so weight is not always a good indication of how your health is increasing). I began to add more fruits, vegetables, and whole grains to my diet and controlled my portions a lot better (like eating 2 cookies instead of 16).
I swear the first 10 lbs melted off like butter; it was exciting and fun and I felt skinny and sexy. The next 5 were a little bit more difficult (cuz I moved from a house with no junk food to a house with girls who can bake some darn good cookies). The last 5 were pretty much impossible and then summer started and I didn’t want to bother with trying to lose weight, doing outdoor adventure stuff, and working with teenagers all at once so the weight loss was put on hold.
As summer came to a close I found that I had only gained 2 lbs. I was excited to get back to work and lose the last 7 lbs to finally reach my goal weight.
But weeks, and then months went by and that last 7 lbs has proven to be very stubborn. I tried hard to cut back on what I was eating but every time I did I found I was hungry. Really, 7 lbs is not worth being hungry and cranky for and anyway I don’t really think going hungry in order to lose a few pounds is all that smart.
My friends have been telling me I look great and have gone so far as to say that if I lost any more weight I would be too skinny (to which I still must respond, “Yeah, right.”). My feelings have been mixed: am I not trying hard enough to get these last lbs off or is 135 lbs an unreasonable goal for me? I finally decided to get my BMI measured and answer the question that way.
When I say I got my BMI measured I am saying that a professional did a test to figure out how much of my body was made up of fat. About 5 years ago I had the skin fold test done and my trainer told me I was 30% fat (which is considered obese). At Club Fit they use the Bioelectric Impedance method, which is not nearly as painful as it sounds. It’s a picky test so I couldn’t eat or drink beforehand but still had to be hydrated, had to be well-rested, couldn’t work out before hand and had to take off all my jewelry. Claire, the nice trainer girl who was helping me, put some sort of magnetic strip things on my hands and feet and then sent an electric current through my body. The machine measured how long it took for the current to get from one end to the other and then spit out a number. We took that number back to the computer, entered it along with my height, gender, and weight, and out popped my body fat percentage.
As we did all this, Claire was telling me about the program and explaining that my results would be saved in the computer so I could be tested again in the future and compare the results with the ones from today to see how much fat I’d… “Oh, you’re 20.9% fat. That’s really good. Healthy body fat for women ranges from 18% to 25%.” She seemed surprised by the results. I was surprised by the results!
I was so surprised by the results, I walked back to the locker room and cried. I was sure I would measure between 26 and 29%. And to think I was feeling like such a failure for not getting that last 7 lbs off!
It’s been a week now and I’m still processing these results. I’ve heard many people throughout my life say that those weight charts weren’t accurate for everyone but I thought they were just trying to find excuses. I just looked up one of those weight charts and it told me I should weigh between 99 and 121 lbs. Could you imagine me at 99 lbs?! I guess my bone structure really is that different, and I’m not just trying to find excuses for my size!
But everyday I have the nagging worry that Claire did something wrong or I was dehydrated or my stomach wasn’t empty enough or something else happened to mess with the results and that I really am still over weight.
My whole life I have lived in hopes that I was not the girl who didn’t fit into the weight charts. I wanted to lose weight and be slim and pretty. Now I don’t care; now I just wish no one had created a mold that we all had to force ourselves into. I’m healthy! What more can I ask for? Yet it’s going to take a long time to actually believe it. I’m so used to seeing myself as the chubby girl.
And so I began the hard work of tracking every morsel of food that went in my mouth and every step I took in cardio exercise. I added lifting weights to my exercise repertoire and measured my hips, waste, and neck so I could track the inches I lost (because muscle weighs more than fat so weight is not always a good indication of how your health is increasing). I began to add more fruits, vegetables, and whole grains to my diet and controlled my portions a lot better (like eating 2 cookies instead of 16).
I swear the first 10 lbs melted off like butter; it was exciting and fun and I felt skinny and sexy. The next 5 were a little bit more difficult (cuz I moved from a house with no junk food to a house with girls who can bake some darn good cookies). The last 5 were pretty much impossible and then summer started and I didn’t want to bother with trying to lose weight, doing outdoor adventure stuff, and working with teenagers all at once so the weight loss was put on hold.
As summer came to a close I found that I had only gained 2 lbs. I was excited to get back to work and lose the last 7 lbs to finally reach my goal weight.
But weeks, and then months went by and that last 7 lbs has proven to be very stubborn. I tried hard to cut back on what I was eating but every time I did I found I was hungry. Really, 7 lbs is not worth being hungry and cranky for and anyway I don’t really think going hungry in order to lose a few pounds is all that smart.
My friends have been telling me I look great and have gone so far as to say that if I lost any more weight I would be too skinny (to which I still must respond, “Yeah, right.”). My feelings have been mixed: am I not trying hard enough to get these last lbs off or is 135 lbs an unreasonable goal for me? I finally decided to get my BMI measured and answer the question that way.
When I say I got my BMI measured I am saying that a professional did a test to figure out how much of my body was made up of fat. About 5 years ago I had the skin fold test done and my trainer told me I was 30% fat (which is considered obese). At Club Fit they use the Bioelectric Impedance method, which is not nearly as painful as it sounds. It’s a picky test so I couldn’t eat or drink beforehand but still had to be hydrated, had to be well-rested, couldn’t work out before hand and had to take off all my jewelry. Claire, the nice trainer girl who was helping me, put some sort of magnetic strip things on my hands and feet and then sent an electric current through my body. The machine measured how long it took for the current to get from one end to the other and then spit out a number. We took that number back to the computer, entered it along with my height, gender, and weight, and out popped my body fat percentage.
As we did all this, Claire was telling me about the program and explaining that my results would be saved in the computer so I could be tested again in the future and compare the results with the ones from today to see how much fat I’d… “Oh, you’re 20.9% fat. That’s really good. Healthy body fat for women ranges from 18% to 25%.” She seemed surprised by the results. I was surprised by the results!
I was so surprised by the results, I walked back to the locker room and cried. I was sure I would measure between 26 and 29%. And to think I was feeling like such a failure for not getting that last 7 lbs off!
It’s been a week now and I’m still processing these results. I’ve heard many people throughout my life say that those weight charts weren’t accurate for everyone but I thought they were just trying to find excuses. I just looked up one of those weight charts and it told me I should weigh between 99 and 121 lbs. Could you imagine me at 99 lbs?! I guess my bone structure really is that different, and I’m not just trying to find excuses for my size!
But everyday I have the nagging worry that Claire did something wrong or I was dehydrated or my stomach wasn’t empty enough or something else happened to mess with the results and that I really am still over weight.
My whole life I have lived in hopes that I was not the girl who didn’t fit into the weight charts. I wanted to lose weight and be slim and pretty. Now I don’t care; now I just wish no one had created a mold that we all had to force ourselves into. I’m healthy! What more can I ask for? Yet it’s going to take a long time to actually believe it. I’m so used to seeing myself as the chubby girl.
Letter to a Friend
About support, I am feeling frustrated and impatient. I am closer to my goal by not by any effort of my own. I know this sounds ungrateful but I really wish some of MY efforts were paying off. I am told to keep calling, keep emailing, keep harassing people about meetings and money and pledges and meanwhile God is doing His own thing… over there. He recently asked me to “be still and wait” but how do I balance that with this whole support raising thing (rhetorical question: I don’t expect an answer)? How much being still and waiting do I do and how much support raising do I do?
About the other stuff… maybe I should warn you now that I love to write and I’m definitely a talker. Sorry?
I received another coupon from eHarmony the other day and am strongly tempted to sign up. I have been praying about it but don’t feel as though any specific answer is forthcoming. I do feel that God asking me to “be still and wait” was to incorporate my entire life, not just support raising. I want to feel a peace about eHarmony before I sign up but the temptation is getting too strong and I will probably cave before I get any solid direction from God.
I realized this morning that I feel ashamed to be struggling with this marriage thing again/still. I’m ashamed to want marriage when it’s not even on the horizon, as if I should have figured out by now that it’s not for me and I am a fool to think otherwise. Somehow it’s been lodged in my head that there must be something wrong with me because no man wants me; I’m not sexy enough, smart enough, mysterious enough, feminine enough, strong enough, etc. In my head I know that I really just don’t understand that God loves me. I spent some time this morning looking up scripture about His love but it all seemed so impersonal, as though none of it was written for me, about me, to me.
I read a few chapters in “Passion and Purity” as well this morning and one thing Elliot wrote caught my eye, “My heart was saying, ‘Lord take away this longing or give me that for which I long.’ The Lord was answering, ‘I must teach you to long for something better.’” And then she quoted from Deut 8:3, “And He humbled you and let you be hungry, and fed you with manna which you did not know, nor did your father know, that He might make you understand that man does not live by bread alone, but man lives by everything that proceeds out of the mouth of the Lord.”
James 1:2 came to mind at one point this morning, “Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials.” I know my trials are not life-or-death but they are making me ask questions, “What is it I am seeking? What is it I want? What do I need?” These questions will help me strip down to the very core of my desires so I can see how much I need God and how satisfying - and true! - is His everlasting love for me.
So I am choosing to exult in these trials. I’ll still cry and struggle and feel anger and frustration but I know He’s working something deep down inside of me; I know that He is creating in me a pure hunger for the Bread of Life.
And now it sounds like I think I’m all cool and all that. It’s not true! I still have so much to struggle through. But I think just writing this letter has been a great way of processing all my thoughts and feelings. Thank you for reading. : )
About the other stuff… maybe I should warn you now that I love to write and I’m definitely a talker. Sorry?
I received another coupon from eHarmony the other day and am strongly tempted to sign up. I have been praying about it but don’t feel as though any specific answer is forthcoming. I do feel that God asking me to “be still and wait” was to incorporate my entire life, not just support raising. I want to feel a peace about eHarmony before I sign up but the temptation is getting too strong and I will probably cave before I get any solid direction from God.
I realized this morning that I feel ashamed to be struggling with this marriage thing again/still. I’m ashamed to want marriage when it’s not even on the horizon, as if I should have figured out by now that it’s not for me and I am a fool to think otherwise. Somehow it’s been lodged in my head that there must be something wrong with me because no man wants me; I’m not sexy enough, smart enough, mysterious enough, feminine enough, strong enough, etc. In my head I know that I really just don’t understand that God loves me. I spent some time this morning looking up scripture about His love but it all seemed so impersonal, as though none of it was written for me, about me, to me.
I read a few chapters in “Passion and Purity” as well this morning and one thing Elliot wrote caught my eye, “My heart was saying, ‘Lord take away this longing or give me that for which I long.’ The Lord was answering, ‘I must teach you to long for something better.’” And then she quoted from Deut 8:3, “And He humbled you and let you be hungry, and fed you with manna which you did not know, nor did your father know, that He might make you understand that man does not live by bread alone, but man lives by everything that proceeds out of the mouth of the Lord.”
James 1:2 came to mind at one point this morning, “Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials.” I know my trials are not life-or-death but they are making me ask questions, “What is it I am seeking? What is it I want? What do I need?” These questions will help me strip down to the very core of my desires so I can see how much I need God and how satisfying - and true! - is His everlasting love for me.
So I am choosing to exult in these trials. I’ll still cry and struggle and feel anger and frustration but I know He’s working something deep down inside of me; I know that He is creating in me a pure hunger for the Bread of Life.
And now it sounds like I think I’m all cool and all that. It’s not true! I still have so much to struggle through. But I think just writing this letter has been a great way of processing all my thoughts and feelings. Thank you for reading. : )
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