On Sunday I visited Household of Faith Community Church to see my young friend, Kaleb, get baptized. While I was there I took the time to seek out a woman for whom I used to baby sit many years ago. When I called Lauri Tauscher’s name, she looked at me blankly for a moment, then recognition registered on her face and she joyfully wrapped her arms around me in one of the longest hugs of my life. She then took me to see her two older kids, the two I used to watch, and we stood and talked for awhile.
I’m not sure Lauri knows much about the past ten years of my life but I don’t think she really cares, either. At one point I mentioned “messing up my life” and she quickly turned to face me, looked me in the eye, and said, “You did not mess up your life. God is sovereign and He has always been in control.”
I have turned that over in my mind many times since she said that. I wonder that I could say, “God is almighty, God is omnipresent, God is in control,” and not understand that He was those things in my life even before I knew Him. It really is a change in perspective for me. I guess I figured that, since I had chosen to live without Him, He had chosen not to control my life. But a God who is sovereign can do naught but control my life.
This morning I read in Genesis, “…the God Who has been my shepherd all my life to this day…” 48:15. I think I would normally have thought, “How nice for Jacob,” but this time, with Lauri’s words still ringing in my head, I realized this is true for me as well; the Lord has been my shepherd all my life.
My friend Tiffany once shared a story of shepherds and their flocks. If a shepherd has a wayward sheep who constantly breaks away from the flock, the shepherd will break the sheep’s leg so it cannot walk on its own, then carry the sheep around on his shoulders until the leg is healed. By the time the sheep can walk on its own again, it has come to know its shepherd intimately and no longer attempts to stray.
This may seem, to some, a very inhumane way to deal with an animal, but I’m sure shepherds tried many ways to cure their flocks of this habit until they found one that worked. I doubt that any shepherd liked to break his sheep’s leg but knew that, in order to form that bond of trust that would keep the sheep alive, it had to be done.
In the Bible, God’s people are frequently referred to as sheep:
“For He is our God, and we are the people of His pasture, and the sheep of His hand.” Psalm 95:7
“For thus says the Lord God, ‘Behold, I Myself will search for My sheep and seek them out. As a shepherd cares for his herd in the day when he is among his scattered sheep, so I will care for My sheep and will deliver them from all the places to which they were scattered on a cloudy and gloomy day.’ ” Isaiah 34:11-12
“And you are My sheep, human sheep of My pasture, and I am your God, declares the Lord GOD.” Ezekiel 34:31
I have always been God’s sheep, and He has always been my Shepherd. He did not want to be the Shepherd from Whom I continually bolted from and so He allowed my legs to be broken so I could not walk without Him. Then, in the moment of my need, He gathered me up in His arms and laid me across His shoulders. What a beautiful picture of God’s faithfulness!
When Lauri reminded me that God was sovereign even when I didn’t know Him, I remembered one of the final verses of Genesis, “ ‘And as for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good in order to bring about this present result…’ ” 50:20. Years ago I shook my fist at God and turned my back on Him, living my life as opposite from how the Bible instructs as possible. On the surface it would seem that each step took me further and further from God, but in reality He was orchestrating everything until I was in a position to recognize Him as my Good Shepherd.
There’s a lot in my past that I have yet to forgive myself for. If I understand that God has always been sovereign in my life and recognize that the goal of life is not to live a stainless life but only to know and follow Jesus Christ, then I know I can forgive myself for what I have done and see these things not as “messing up my life” but “the steps that led me to Life.”
“ ‘My sheep hear My voice, and I know them, and they follow Me; and I give eternal life to them, and they shall never perish; and no one shall snatch them out of My hand. My Father, who has given them to Me, is greater than all; and no one is able to snatch them out of the Father’s hand. I and the Father are one.’ ” John 10:27-30
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Lonely
I woke up this morning and realized that I am really lonely. It is at times like this that my singleness seems to become a suffocating burden. I laid in bed and talked to God, telling Him that I am just too lonely. I told Him that I feel as though He will withhold marriage until I have mastered this overbearing feeling of loneliness. He knows, however, that I cannot master this. What is the point of being so lonely?
“Why are you in despair, O my soul? And why have you become disturbed within me?” Psalm 42:5a
I’m around people all the time. Really I’m quite social but superficial society is not something that appeases my loneliness. If someone asks how I am I’m quite willing to be vulnerable but it’s usually at that moment that someone else walks in and the conversation is side-tracked. There’s no opportunity for depth in these situations.
The people I spend time with expect vulnerability from me but I can’t just sit down and pour my heart out just like that. I need a chance to warm up. I need some encouragement. I don’t actually think my struggles are important to other people so I have to get used to the thought that they actually do care before I can open up.
The part that baffles me the most is that, when I finally realize that I need company, everyone disappears. This never fails to happen. Friends will always tell you, “I’ll be there whenever you need me,” but it’s never really true; I can’t actually expect anyone to be there for me. I try calling and emailing but everyone’s busy.
Really I’m too picky. There are few people I’m willing to take this loneliness to. With most people I fear being a burden. With others I’m afraid of being misunderstood.
God, I’m lonely. For someone who seeks solitude, this is really confusing. How do I get out?
“Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him for the help of His presence.” Psalm 42:5b
I reach out to God but He’s not a magician who just fixes my problems. I reach out to Him and still I feel lonely. Then I feel like I must be doing something wrong. This is challenging to my faith. Where is God?
“I will say to God my rock, ‘Why have You forgotten me? Why do I go mourning because of the oppression of the enemy?’ ” Psalm 42:9
What struggle is this? Is it Satan whispering “lonely” into my ear, trying to make me believe I am alone? Is it Satan who is trying to keep me in the dark? Trying to keep alone so I cannot be supported by the body of Christ? I can hide in this darkness and continue in despair and be led toward sin or I can seek the light and see God be glorified (John 3:19-21).
“O send out Your light and Your truth, let them lead me; let them bring me to Your holy hill, and to Your dwelling places. Then I will go to the alter of God, to my exceeding joy; and upon the lyre I will praise You, O God, my God.” Psalm 42:3-4
“Why are you in despair, O my soul? And why have you become disturbed within me?” Psalm 42:5a
I’m around people all the time. Really I’m quite social but superficial society is not something that appeases my loneliness. If someone asks how I am I’m quite willing to be vulnerable but it’s usually at that moment that someone else walks in and the conversation is side-tracked. There’s no opportunity for depth in these situations.
The people I spend time with expect vulnerability from me but I can’t just sit down and pour my heart out just like that. I need a chance to warm up. I need some encouragement. I don’t actually think my struggles are important to other people so I have to get used to the thought that they actually do care before I can open up.
The part that baffles me the most is that, when I finally realize that I need company, everyone disappears. This never fails to happen. Friends will always tell you, “I’ll be there whenever you need me,” but it’s never really true; I can’t actually expect anyone to be there for me. I try calling and emailing but everyone’s busy.
Really I’m too picky. There are few people I’m willing to take this loneliness to. With most people I fear being a burden. With others I’m afraid of being misunderstood.
God, I’m lonely. For someone who seeks solitude, this is really confusing. How do I get out?
“Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him for the help of His presence.” Psalm 42:5b
I reach out to God but He’s not a magician who just fixes my problems. I reach out to Him and still I feel lonely. Then I feel like I must be doing something wrong. This is challenging to my faith. Where is God?
“I will say to God my rock, ‘Why have You forgotten me? Why do I go mourning because of the oppression of the enemy?’ ” Psalm 42:9
What struggle is this? Is it Satan whispering “lonely” into my ear, trying to make me believe I am alone? Is it Satan who is trying to keep me in the dark? Trying to keep alone so I cannot be supported by the body of Christ? I can hide in this darkness and continue in despair and be led toward sin or I can seek the light and see God be glorified (John 3:19-21).
“O send out Your light and Your truth, let them lead me; let them bring me to Your holy hill, and to Your dwelling places. Then I will go to the alter of God, to my exceeding joy; and upon the lyre I will praise You, O God, my God.” Psalm 42:3-4
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Praise and Prayer
I want to start my prayer page by praising God. October 30th marks my 5th Christian birthday. I have the memory of that dreary autumn day firmly lodged in my head, and I also have a journal entry to mark that day forever as the day I found Life. I had been struggling with depression for many months and had finally reached the end of my rope. Just a few weeks previously I had told a friend that I didn’t know how much longer I could take it. She had replied, “Jesus can help you with that.”
I had grown up in a Christian family but had never really taken God seriously. Being a Christian was just the cool thing to do until I grew up and realized how much it restricted me (or at least that’s how I saw it then). I told God that if He wanted me, He’d have to come down and speak right to my face. God didn’t answer my request the way I demanded Him to and so I rebelled, turned my back on Him, and, in time, came to mock Christians and even the idea of there being a God.
I hadn’t liked my friend’s answer but it took root and grew until this day a few weeks later, when I sat on my bed and recorded my first prayer: “God, I don’t want to fake it this time. If I’m going to do this, I really want to know You. Let’s do this for real this time.”
God wouldn’t answer the prayer of my youth because it was made in pride and arrogance. I know now that He had to wait for me to be completely broken so I could understand how much I need Him. When I finally prayed out of this understanding, God showed up and changed my life. The tears of despair became tears of joy. I could smile again and my laughter lost its malicious edge. I began to hope and look forward to the days ahead. I saw His fingerprints everywhere I looked and began to experience the God I had put my faith in, leading me to deeper and deeper faith.
There’s a new (as of this summer) song playing on Christian radio that reminds me of that first year after I came to know the Lord. When I hear it, the memories flood my mind and I feel joy fit to burst and sometimes find myself crying. I want to share that song with you. Here’s a link to a slideshow on you tube: Born Again by Third Day
I ask that you praise the Lord with me as I celebrate 5 years as His child. Also, please pray that I continue to learn what it means to be His child, the love lavished on me, the faithful promises He has made. I hope someday to have so much confidence in who He says I am that I can finally throw all fears to the wind and simply serve Him.
Please pray also for my financial support; I need to raise about $300 in monthly commitments to be at full support. If you feel led to join my financial team or to increase the amount you are already giving, you can click on this link: support page
Finally, praise God that I am on staff with YD Adventures year-round now and pray that I learn how to do my job well and that I have wisdom in what responsibilities to take on here in the office.
Thank you for your prayers and your support! I appreciate that God has placed each of you in my life. It’s an incredible journey and I’m glad the Lord has not asked me to walk it alone.
I had grown up in a Christian family but had never really taken God seriously. Being a Christian was just the cool thing to do until I grew up and realized how much it restricted me (or at least that’s how I saw it then). I told God that if He wanted me, He’d have to come down and speak right to my face. God didn’t answer my request the way I demanded Him to and so I rebelled, turned my back on Him, and, in time, came to mock Christians and even the idea of there being a God.
I hadn’t liked my friend’s answer but it took root and grew until this day a few weeks later, when I sat on my bed and recorded my first prayer: “God, I don’t want to fake it this time. If I’m going to do this, I really want to know You. Let’s do this for real this time.”
God wouldn’t answer the prayer of my youth because it was made in pride and arrogance. I know now that He had to wait for me to be completely broken so I could understand how much I need Him. When I finally prayed out of this understanding, God showed up and changed my life. The tears of despair became tears of joy. I could smile again and my laughter lost its malicious edge. I began to hope and look forward to the days ahead. I saw His fingerprints everywhere I looked and began to experience the God I had put my faith in, leading me to deeper and deeper faith.
There’s a new (as of this summer) song playing on Christian radio that reminds me of that first year after I came to know the Lord. When I hear it, the memories flood my mind and I feel joy fit to burst and sometimes find myself crying. I want to share that song with you. Here’s a link to a slideshow on you tube: Born Again by Third Day
I ask that you praise the Lord with me as I celebrate 5 years as His child. Also, please pray that I continue to learn what it means to be His child, the love lavished on me, the faithful promises He has made. I hope someday to have so much confidence in who He says I am that I can finally throw all fears to the wind and simply serve Him.
Please pray also for my financial support; I need to raise about $300 in monthly commitments to be at full support. If you feel led to join my financial team or to increase the amount you are already giving, you can click on this link: support page
Finally, praise God that I am on staff with YD Adventures year-round now and pray that I learn how to do my job well and that I have wisdom in what responsibilities to take on here in the office.
Thank you for your prayers and your support! I appreciate that God has placed each of you in my life. It’s an incredible journey and I’m glad the Lord has not asked me to walk it alone.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Prayer Request
Hey friends!
I am on a trip starting Fri morning until Sun afternoon. The group is local to the Canby area. Please be praying for the group and the YD staff. Here are my specific prayer requests:
1. That students are challenged to live their faith/take their faith deeper.
2. Discernment for staff to see where God has been working in these students' lives.
3. Ability for staff to join God in this work.
4. That the Lord continues the good work He began during (and probably long before) the missions trip these kids were on earlier this summer.
5. That the Lord would reveal Himself in awesome and wonderful ways.
Thank you! I appreciate your willingness to pray!
I am on a trip starting Fri morning until Sun afternoon. The group is local to the Canby area. Please be praying for the group and the YD staff. Here are my specific prayer requests:
1. That students are challenged to live their faith/take their faith deeper.
2. Discernment for staff to see where God has been working in these students' lives.
3. Ability for staff to join God in this work.
4. That the Lord continues the good work He began during (and probably long before) the missions trip these kids were on earlier this summer.
5. That the Lord would reveal Himself in awesome and wonderful ways.
Thank you! I appreciate your willingness to pray!
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Adventure
My solo day today was spent on Angel’s Rest in the Gorge. The hike up was awesome but not as satisfying as I’d hoped. I wanted to talk to God the whole way up - like one would a friend one is hiking with - but kept fantasizing about things instead. I have a problem with my imagination; it’s always running away with me.
One thing was established on the way up. During 4th of July weekend, I believe God gave me a hint of something my future may hold. However, it’s a long way off, if it ever happens at all. I can’t disclose what, exactly, He has told me but I can tell you that it scares me. Not in a “that’s a horrible thing I hope it never happens!” way but in a “Is that even possible?” way. But with the knowledge that He may call me to something I see as impossible, I know that all things are possible through Christ who strengthens me.
On our way up to Angel’s Rest I told Him, “I will go.” To which He responded, “Be still.”
The God of heaven and earth is the most exasperating individual in all of eternity! It seems to me as though that is the most frequent answer to all my prayers. Sometimes I want to ask, “What is this ‘Be still’ crap?”
Thankfully “Be still” is not the same thing as “Do nothing.” For now I will “Be still” while continuing to do ministry through YD Adventures, finding a part time job to pay off my debt, and serving the Lord in other small but meaningful ways. I can only do the things He has set before me to do and wait until He tells me to take the next step.
I’ll tell you one thing; my life has not ceased being an adventure since I gave it to Christ. It’s not always easy or fun but it’s frequently challenging and always worth living. Jesus did, after all, tell us that He came so we could have life to the full (John 10:10).
But that takes believing in and following Jesus. God created us for Himself and so we can never have life to the full as long as we are living it for ourselves. “Be still,” He tells us, “and know that I am God.” What does it mean to know He is God? It means to understand that He is Lord and Creator, that He holds all power and all our rights, that He is the author of our faith and the inventor of grace, that He is love, and then to respond by bending our knees and bowing our heads in surrender and proclaiming, “He is God!”
I write this and at the same time realize that I have to go through this process daily. I am only human and it is a struggle to give up my selfishness and let Christ rule in my heart. But I would rather have God’s adventure for my life than my own selfish ways any day.
One thing was established on the way up. During 4th of July weekend, I believe God gave me a hint of something my future may hold. However, it’s a long way off, if it ever happens at all. I can’t disclose what, exactly, He has told me but I can tell you that it scares me. Not in a “that’s a horrible thing I hope it never happens!” way but in a “Is that even possible?” way. But with the knowledge that He may call me to something I see as impossible, I know that all things are possible through Christ who strengthens me.
On our way up to Angel’s Rest I told Him, “I will go.” To which He responded, “Be still.”
The God of heaven and earth is the most exasperating individual in all of eternity! It seems to me as though that is the most frequent answer to all my prayers. Sometimes I want to ask, “What is this ‘Be still’ crap?”
Thankfully “Be still” is not the same thing as “Do nothing.” For now I will “Be still” while continuing to do ministry through YD Adventures, finding a part time job to pay off my debt, and serving the Lord in other small but meaningful ways. I can only do the things He has set before me to do and wait until He tells me to take the next step.
I’ll tell you one thing; my life has not ceased being an adventure since I gave it to Christ. It’s not always easy or fun but it’s frequently challenging and always worth living. Jesus did, after all, tell us that He came so we could have life to the full (John 10:10).
But that takes believing in and following Jesus. God created us for Himself and so we can never have life to the full as long as we are living it for ourselves. “Be still,” He tells us, “and know that I am God.” What does it mean to know He is God? It means to understand that He is Lord and Creator, that He holds all power and all our rights, that He is the author of our faith and the inventor of grace, that He is love, and then to respond by bending our knees and bowing our heads in surrender and proclaiming, “He is God!”
I write this and at the same time realize that I have to go through this process daily. I am only human and it is a struggle to give up my selfishness and let Christ rule in my heart. But I would rather have God’s adventure for my life than my own selfish ways any day.
Friday, July 10, 2009
Light
“If God allows the sun to shine upon you moment by moment, without intermission, will not God let His life shine upon you every moment? And why have you not experienced it? Because you have not trusted God for it, and you do not surrender yourself absolutely to God in that trust.” *Murray, 8
“In Him was life, and the life was the light of men. And the light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not comprehend it.” John 1:4-5
What the light reveals in us is death (“… for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God…” Romans 3:23; “For the wages of sin is death…” Romans 6:23a). We do not trust God so we close all the blinds of our soul, hoping to shut out the light (“And this is the judgment, that the light is come into the world, and men loved the darkness rather than the light; for their deeds were evil” John 3:19). What we don’t realize is that we are hiding nothing from the light; it sees all (“Even the darkness is not dark to You, and the night is as bright as the day. Darkness and light are alike to You.” Psalm 139:12). We are merely blinding ourselves from the light and what it reveals, effectively keeping us from discovering the life this light provides.
“…but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 6:23b
“There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has set you free from the law of sin and of death.” Romans 8:1-2
“…I came that they might have life, and might have it abundantly.” John 10:10b
* “Absolute Surrender” by Andrew Murray
“In Him was life, and the life was the light of men. And the light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not comprehend it.” John 1:4-5
What the light reveals in us is death (“… for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God…” Romans 3:23; “For the wages of sin is death…” Romans 6:23a). We do not trust God so we close all the blinds of our soul, hoping to shut out the light (“And this is the judgment, that the light is come into the world, and men loved the darkness rather than the light; for their deeds were evil” John 3:19). What we don’t realize is that we are hiding nothing from the light; it sees all (“Even the darkness is not dark to You, and the night is as bright as the day. Darkness and light are alike to You.” Psalm 139:12). We are merely blinding ourselves from the light and what it reveals, effectively keeping us from discovering the life this light provides.
“…but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 6:23b
“There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has set you free from the law of sin and of death.” Romans 8:1-2
“…I came that they might have life, and might have it abundantly.” John 10:10b
* “Absolute Surrender” by Andrew Murray
Monday, June 15, 2009
Ebenezer
I had the luxury of going up to the Long Beach Peninsula in WA this past spring. My parents own some lovely bay front property in Oysterville and I occasionally snag the opportunity to go up there alone and pray. I especially try to do this before the YD summer kicks off. I love solo retreats but I remember the last one I took; I had high expectations which weren’t met and I was extremely disappointed. I made up my mind then that I would never go into my retreats with my own agenda again. Instead, I would go in prayerfully and ready to accept what God had for me.
I mentioned this at our Southgate women’s Bible study and it was suggested to me that I go into this solo retreat with only the expectation of letting the Lord enjoy me. I liked this idea and prayed for days, “Lord, what can I do to make sure You can enjoy me?” The only direction I got from the Lord was, “Know that I am good.” Thus, I left Friday morning with only the ideas “God is good” and “let Him enjoy me” on my heart.
(Hahaha, as I type this, the song “God is Good” by Enter the Worship Circle just started playing on my computer. Awesome!)
God is good! He is far too good for my mind or imagination to comprehend.
After I got settled into the trailer and had walked out to say hello to the Willapa Bay I settled down with my Bible and a couple devotional books, including “The Calvary Road” by Roy Hession. Our director at YD Adventures had been encouraging us to read the interview in the back of this book and so I opened it up and began to read. I didn’t get very far before something that I still think is incredible happened. Here’s my journal entry from that moment:
From “The Calvary Road” p 112:
“And I remember one of them said, ‘Roy, you need to repent.’ I said, ‘Where do I need to repent?’ In all honesty I didn’t know - I was working so hard, I was praying so much, I was preaching so strong, doing so much.”
I read this and no further before I felt the urge to get down on my face and repent for trying so hard. It felt ridiculous and over dramatic but who really cares? No one’s here! So I wept and repented for trying and admitted that I don’t know how not to. I asked, “When can I start living as a child of God? Why am I waiting until I’m perfect?” Then I admitted to feeling bad that I have to take, take, take but suddenly realized that You are infinite so You can give, give, give and that’s what You want; that’s what You’re asking for.
So, Lord, teach me to stop trying and start taking. Screw perfectionism. I’m just going to take because You’re offering and I’m going to keep taking until I’m overflowing and then I’m going to GIVE what You’ve GIVEN me and I’m going to revel in the joy of TAKING and not TRYING!
I then left for the beach and watched the sun set, giddy with joy and feeling as though a huge weight had been taken from my shoulders. The rest of the weekend God confirmed that message to me through the Bible and books I was reading.
One conversation Jesus and I had on the beach was about His blood. Roy Hession writes a lot about being cleansed by the blood of Jesus. Deep down inside I always had the impression that, although Jesus gave His blood freely, it was my responsibility to wash myself. I was so confused as to how to actually “apply the blood” that I rarely felt as though my sins had been cleansed by His blood. As the sun was disappearing behind our slowly revolving earth, Jesus told me that I am not responsible for scrubbing myself clean. I need only surrender myself to Him, ask to be cleansed by His blood; He’ll do all the washing. No more trying.
I’d been reading through Romans for many weeks by the time I went to WA for my retreat. Here’s another piece to my journal:
Haha! I feel like I just found the proper meaning of this verse:
“He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him up for us all, how will He not also with Him freely give us all things?” Romans 8:32
You don’t want us to try and do it on our own. You want us to take. You are freely giving us all things.
Give, give, give, that’s what the God I know does. Lord, I pray to receive your gifts freely. Open my hands and teach me to take from You. Disallow me to try any longer. If I belong to You - which I do - then I shall receive every good thing from You.
“Every good thing bestowed and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation, or shifting shadow.” James 1:17
The Bible is riddled with God offering us free gifts. I think I always just looked at this and thought, “That’s nice of Him,” without actually receiving any of these gifts. Here He is: infinite, omnipotent, sovereign, and I’m rejecting His gifts (postulating: ) “because I might need them later.”
I need them now!
“For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life through Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 6:23
The same day I opened up “Prayer” by Richard Foster and read:
“Instead of striving to make this or that happen, we learn trust in a heavenly Father who loves to give. This does not promote inactivity, but it does promote dependent activity. No longer do we take things into our own hands. Rather, we place all things into divine hands and then act out of inner promptings.” p 96
Later I read psalm 145. This verse stuck out:
“Thou dost open Thy hand, and dost satisfy the desire of every living thing.” vs. 16
To this I responded:
I imagine shy, flighty birds finding One whose peace and goodness is such that they are willing to sit in and eat from His hand. And I think that’s true and Your hand is always open and we are always invited to eat from it. What I desire is to stay and never leave.
Then from Romans I read:
“But as for Israel He says, ‘All the day long I have stretched out my hands to a disobedient and obstinate people.” Romans 10:21
I always thought of God’s hand stretching palm side down, as though to take our hand. After reading Psalm 145 I see in my mind God stretching out cupped hands saying, “It’s free! Take it!” He’s holding out a free gift, urging us to take it.
Still later I read:
“For the scripture says, ‘Whoever believes in Him will not be disappointed.’ For there is no distinction between Jew and Greek; for the same Lord is Lord of all, abounding in riches for all who call upon Him; for ‘Whoever will call upon the name of the Lord will be saved.’” Romans 10:11-13
Then:
“It is so often self who tries to live the Christian life (the mere fact that we use the word ‘try’ indicates that it is self who has the responsibility)” The Calvary Road p 22
“… the only life that pleases God and that can be victorious is His life - never our own life, no matter how hard we try.” The Calvary Road p 25
The message is very clear. No more trying. Let be continually broken before You, continually washed in the blood. Lord, this is what I want to take with me from this weekend; no more trying; not “I” but Christ in me and through me.
I think I need to keep in mind that this is still a process. I have much to learn and many old habits You need to break. Ah, brokenness!
Since that weekend I have experientially learned that this is indeed a process. I have forgotten to ask for God’s infinite gifts; I have tried really hard; I have been prideful; I have failed. I have even been enormously frustrated with myself for not remembering to do it right. But each time I “fail” I take one step closer to better understanding that what God offers is free, infinite, and available whenever I ask for it. Each time I “fail” I take one step closer to remembering that I need only ask and He will give.
I have explained as much of this through scripture as I can because 1. That’s how God explained it to me and 2. As God says in Isaiah 55:10-11, “For the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and do not return there without watering the earth, and making it bear and sprout, and furnishing seed to the sower and bread to the eater; so shall My word be which goes forth from My mouth; it shall not return to Me empty, without accomplishing what I desire, and without succeeding in the matter for which I sent it.”
I mentioned this at our Southgate women’s Bible study and it was suggested to me that I go into this solo retreat with only the expectation of letting the Lord enjoy me. I liked this idea and prayed for days, “Lord, what can I do to make sure You can enjoy me?” The only direction I got from the Lord was, “Know that I am good.” Thus, I left Friday morning with only the ideas “God is good” and “let Him enjoy me” on my heart.
(Hahaha, as I type this, the song “God is Good” by Enter the Worship Circle just started playing on my computer. Awesome!)
God is good! He is far too good for my mind or imagination to comprehend.
After I got settled into the trailer and had walked out to say hello to the Willapa Bay I settled down with my Bible and a couple devotional books, including “The Calvary Road” by Roy Hession. Our director at YD Adventures had been encouraging us to read the interview in the back of this book and so I opened it up and began to read. I didn’t get very far before something that I still think is incredible happened. Here’s my journal entry from that moment:
From “The Calvary Road” p 112:
“And I remember one of them said, ‘Roy, you need to repent.’ I said, ‘Where do I need to repent?’ In all honesty I didn’t know - I was working so hard, I was praying so much, I was preaching so strong, doing so much.”
I read this and no further before I felt the urge to get down on my face and repent for trying so hard. It felt ridiculous and over dramatic but who really cares? No one’s here! So I wept and repented for trying and admitted that I don’t know how not to. I asked, “When can I start living as a child of God? Why am I waiting until I’m perfect?” Then I admitted to feeling bad that I have to take, take, take but suddenly realized that You are infinite so You can give, give, give and that’s what You want; that’s what You’re asking for.
So, Lord, teach me to stop trying and start taking. Screw perfectionism. I’m just going to take because You’re offering and I’m going to keep taking until I’m overflowing and then I’m going to GIVE what You’ve GIVEN me and I’m going to revel in the joy of TAKING and not TRYING!
I then left for the beach and watched the sun set, giddy with joy and feeling as though a huge weight had been taken from my shoulders. The rest of the weekend God confirmed that message to me through the Bible and books I was reading.
One conversation Jesus and I had on the beach was about His blood. Roy Hession writes a lot about being cleansed by the blood of Jesus. Deep down inside I always had the impression that, although Jesus gave His blood freely, it was my responsibility to wash myself. I was so confused as to how to actually “apply the blood” that I rarely felt as though my sins had been cleansed by His blood. As the sun was disappearing behind our slowly revolving earth, Jesus told me that I am not responsible for scrubbing myself clean. I need only surrender myself to Him, ask to be cleansed by His blood; He’ll do all the washing. No more trying.
I’d been reading through Romans for many weeks by the time I went to WA for my retreat. Here’s another piece to my journal:
Haha! I feel like I just found the proper meaning of this verse:
“He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him up for us all, how will He not also with Him freely give us all things?” Romans 8:32
You don’t want us to try and do it on our own. You want us to take. You are freely giving us all things.
Give, give, give, that’s what the God I know does. Lord, I pray to receive your gifts freely. Open my hands and teach me to take from You. Disallow me to try any longer. If I belong to You - which I do - then I shall receive every good thing from You.
“Every good thing bestowed and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation, or shifting shadow.” James 1:17
The Bible is riddled with God offering us free gifts. I think I always just looked at this and thought, “That’s nice of Him,” without actually receiving any of these gifts. Here He is: infinite, omnipotent, sovereign, and I’m rejecting His gifts (postulating: ) “because I might need them later.”
I need them now!
“For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life through Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 6:23
The same day I opened up “Prayer” by Richard Foster and read:
“Instead of striving to make this or that happen, we learn trust in a heavenly Father who loves to give. This does not promote inactivity, but it does promote dependent activity. No longer do we take things into our own hands. Rather, we place all things into divine hands and then act out of inner promptings.” p 96
Later I read psalm 145. This verse stuck out:
“Thou dost open Thy hand, and dost satisfy the desire of every living thing.” vs. 16
To this I responded:
I imagine shy, flighty birds finding One whose peace and goodness is such that they are willing to sit in and eat from His hand. And I think that’s true and Your hand is always open and we are always invited to eat from it. What I desire is to stay and never leave.
Then from Romans I read:
“But as for Israel He says, ‘All the day long I have stretched out my hands to a disobedient and obstinate people.” Romans 10:21
I always thought of God’s hand stretching palm side down, as though to take our hand. After reading Psalm 145 I see in my mind God stretching out cupped hands saying, “It’s free! Take it!” He’s holding out a free gift, urging us to take it.
Still later I read:
“For the scripture says, ‘Whoever believes in Him will not be disappointed.’ For there is no distinction between Jew and Greek; for the same Lord is Lord of all, abounding in riches for all who call upon Him; for ‘Whoever will call upon the name of the Lord will be saved.’” Romans 10:11-13
Then:
“It is so often self who tries to live the Christian life (the mere fact that we use the word ‘try’ indicates that it is self who has the responsibility)” The Calvary Road p 22
“… the only life that pleases God and that can be victorious is His life - never our own life, no matter how hard we try.” The Calvary Road p 25
The message is very clear. No more trying. Let be continually broken before You, continually washed in the blood. Lord, this is what I want to take with me from this weekend; no more trying; not “I” but Christ in me and through me.
I think I need to keep in mind that this is still a process. I have much to learn and many old habits You need to break. Ah, brokenness!
Since that weekend I have experientially learned that this is indeed a process. I have forgotten to ask for God’s infinite gifts; I have tried really hard; I have been prideful; I have failed. I have even been enormously frustrated with myself for not remembering to do it right. But each time I “fail” I take one step closer to better understanding that what God offers is free, infinite, and available whenever I ask for it. Each time I “fail” I take one step closer to remembering that I need only ask and He will give.
I have explained as much of this through scripture as I can because 1. That’s how God explained it to me and 2. As God says in Isaiah 55:10-11, “For the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and do not return there without watering the earth, and making it bear and sprout, and furnishing seed to the sower and bread to the eater; so shall My word be which goes forth from My mouth; it shall not return to Me empty, without accomplishing what I desire, and without succeeding in the matter for which I sent it.”
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