”In this you greatly rejoice, even though now for a little while, if necessary, you will have been distressed by various trials, that the proof of your faith, being more precious than gold which is perishable, even though tested by fire, may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.” 1 Peter 1:6-7
I would first like to recognize that my trials have not been persecution and possible torture or death because of what I believe. The early Christians and current Christians who face these sorts of trials are greatly admired. My trials are far shallower than theirs but they are still refining me and bringing praise and glory and honor to my God.
For two years now I have struggled with depression, anxiety, and insomnia. The combination has left me drained and feeling absolutely useless. As a result I have struggled with guilt and blame, which has only increased my anxiety and thus my depression. As I face this autumn, once again the dread is back. It is not, however, as bad as it has been in the past; thank God for man's ability to manipulate chemicals so I can feel better (I began anti-depressant in May). I am in a different place today; I'm looking forward to a fall and winter in which I have the energy to be involved in the life Christ has called me to live.
In the midst of the storm I clung to Romans 8:28; now, as I step out of the clouds, I can see the silver lining. This depression has impacted me in ways I never would have expected. Good ways. I want to share these good ways because I remember sitting on my bed crying out to the Lord, “How can this possibly glorify You?”
Deeper faith: “...fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith...” Hebrews 12:2
As I struggled with depression, I also struggled with my faith. It was depression that brought me to Christ in the first place; to return to that place of sadness and anger has been scary. I often wondered if I had somehow failed Christ and, as a result, had missed out on His healing powers in my life. Worse, I wondered if Christ had failed me. But I clung to Him nonetheless, and, as a result, have experienced His love in tangible ways I never would have known had I not walked through this storm. I look back now and see that walking with the Lord through depression has built for me a solid foundation on which to stand.
Joy: “Weeping may last for the night, but a shout of joy comes in the morning.” Psalm 30:5
I am amazingly aware of a deep sense of joy inside of me, and I am incredibly thankful for it (there are not enough adjectives out there to express this properly). Having felt a desperate lack of joy for so long, I have completely embraced this new joy and allowed mirth free reign in my life. When you see me laughing, know that the joy I am experiencing is deep because I have fought for it for nearly two years.
Sleep: “In peace I will both lie down an d sleep, for You alone make me to dwell in safety.” Psalm 4:8
I am thankful for every good night's sleep I get. I didn't realize before how precious sleep can be but after having gone without it (almost completely) for a year, I now know how valuable it is and I praise God for how easily I slip into sleep these days.
Impact on others: “Bear one another's burdens, and thus fulfill the law of Christ.” Galatians 6:2
One of the mistakes I made early on was to isolate myself because I didn't want others to have to “put up with” me. I've hated to admit that I was struggling, but I suppose that's pride. It is good for the Body of Christ to step up and love one another as we wrestle through the hard times. True, it is hard for people to watch their loved one struggle but it is an opportunity for people to grow in compassion, empathy, patience, and many other Godly qualities. I have had a few close friends walk with me through this depression, praying for me, crying with me, holding me, and watching out for me. I think each of these people would admit that it was a trial to walk alongside me during this dark time, but also that there was much they learned from it.
Then there are the girls I have come across who also struggle with depression. It has been an honor and a blessing to speak into their lives, to be able to connect on such a deep level, to share something that many other people just can't relate to, and to talk about our struggles with our faith in all of this. If this were the only reason God had me walk through depression, I'd be satisfied. Yet, in His omniscient goodness, that is not the only reason.
Patience and Perseverance: “And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope...” Romans 5:3-4
It takes time for the Lord to transform us, and it's rarely a pleasant process (I can hear the gold screaming as it faces the furnace). In this process, as the things I've already mentioned have been revealed to me, I see more clearly than ever before the value of patience and perseverance. I must learn to stand in the discomfort or the pain and know that this truly is good. If I can stand firm and face my trials with patience and perseverance, I will experience much healing that cannot happen when I try to escape (through addictions, numbness, certain behaviors, etc). Also, I will experience the love of God in tangible ways as He walks with me through the fire.
Reevaluate my life: “Be still and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in all the earth.” Psalm 46:10
Depression has caused me to dramatically slow down my life. While that has been very frustrating to me, the Lord has used it to make me reevaluate my motives and to realign my desires to His. Why was I trying so hard to do as much as I could? So I could prove myself. And what does God think about that? “All the ways of a man are clean in his own sight, but the Lord weighs the motives” (Proverbs 16:2). “...And all of our righteous deeds are like a filthy garment...” (Isaiah 64:6). Yikes! Scary! Once our executive director at YD Adventures told us that, if ministry is getting in the way of our relationship with God, He will take us out of it. I think that's exactly what God did, slowing me down so I could come back to a place of experiencing His love and serving Him out of love instead of a sense of obligation.
To be continued... right? “The Lord is not slow about His promise, as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, no wishing for any to perish but for all to come to repentance.” 2 Peter 3:9
I laughed the first time I read that verse. It's just one of those verses that reminds me that it's not all about me. God has this perfect, beautiful plan and, in truth, it's not us being patient with Him, but the opposite; He is so utterly patient with us. As I grow to reflect my Lord more and more clearly, one thing I desire is for people to see me in the trials and say, “That woman has no fear. She trusts her God to do good. I want to know Christ too.”
Saturday, October 22, 2011
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Delight in the Lord
Before I became a lover of Christ, I thought of Christianity as a bunch of rules. And not just rules but contemptible rules. What's wrong with sex before marriage? Everyone's doing it; it's normal. What's wrong with getting drunk? You're only hurting yourself. What's wrong with cursing? It's just words. To me, Christians were a bunch of ridiculously narrow-minded hypocrites and their inane “laws” constraining.
Then I fell in love with Christ.
As a new believer, I realized that I am a sinner but I also realized it would be too easy to simply conform in order to look like a good Christian instead of allowing Christ to change my heart so I told God, “I will change nothing unless You ask it of me.”
Before I barge ahead and arrogantly claim to have done just that, I must admit that it is not as simple as I originally thought. In my naivete, I thought God would speak and Raychel would change. But sometimes God wants to change things Raychel doesn't want to admit are a problem and sometimes God wants to use people to address Raychel's problems and Raychel insolently balks at what they say.
Oh, Pride, you can only bring me death!
Well, Christ has asked for a lot of change from me. He has asked me to follow His laws closely, the first of which is, “You shall have no other gods before Me (Exodus 20:3).
I have given my life to loving God with everything I have; He has become my Treasure, my All in All. I am delighting myself in the Lord, and He is giving me the desires of my heart (Psalm 37:4).
Amazingly, what I desire seems to be changing. As Christ becomes my treasure, as I find my joy rooted more and more deeply in Him, a process occurs and I find myself being transformed by the renewing of my mind (Romans 12:2). No joke! If you look back at Romans 11:33-36 you'll notice the love language Paul is using toward God, then you'll notice that he subsequently launches into this idea that if we present our bodies as living and holy sacrifices – and, honestly, who doesn't sacrifice himself for his treasure? - then, in this worship, we will be transformed by the renewing of our minds so that we may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect (these verses, by the way, define worship).
If God is my treasure, and my mind is being renewed to know what His will is, it goes to follow that my desires will begin to align themselves to His will.
And now I no longer see His law as constraining (for the most part) but liberating. Why?
A friend once used an analogy that really helps illustrate what I think happens.
Imagine the Law is like a line drawn in the ground. If you cross the line, you've broken the rules. There are many people – such as myself, before I knew Christ – who don't see any reason to stay on one side of the line. There are many people who strive to stay on the right side of the line but have the perspective that it is restraining their freedom, so they try to get as close to it as they possibly can without crossing it.
Then there are people who see the line and know it was not put there to keep them from freedom, but to give them freedom. This line teaches them how to love God, themselves, and others with all their heart, mind, and strength (because that, in essence, is the Law, right?). Instead of dwelling on how to get as close to the line as they possibly can, these people turn around and see all the freedom God has put right there at their fingertips.
Instead of seeing “how far they can go without actually having sex” with their boyfriend or girlfriend, just because the Bible does not condone sex outside of marriage, they enjoy the relationship they can have with one another, maybe really digging into those conversations they're not too distracted to have or delighting in simply holding each others' hand, because they recognize that that's the best way they can love one another.
Instead of not getting drunk just because the Bible says not to, they realize that their bodies are a temple of God and so truly enjoy the presence of the Holy Spirit in their lives, and do what they can to cultivate their awareness of Him.
Instead of avoiding foul language just because the Bible says to, they hold their tongues because they are saving breath to find new words with which to praise the Lord, which not only glorifies Him but causes others to take notice that what comes out of their mouths is different from the way other people speak (I stand convicted; my mouth is not clean: I gossip, whine, and curse. But as I write this I am discovering a reason for watching my tongue that is grounded in my delight in the Lord. I hope to see change.).
Christianity is not about strident rules, but about a relationship with One who is perfect and can satisfy our every need and desire. It is about discovering that true life comes in and through and for Christ alone. It is about allowing Him to transform us so that our lives can reflect the one true God. It is about discovering the life-giving freedom to love Him, to love ourselves, and to love others.
The reality I live in is merely a shadow of what I've just written about, but I look forward to continuing in the process of being transformed by the renewing of my mind and discovering where His will and my desires are aligning. I hope and pray that you, also, will delight yourself in the Lord and see a radical difference in what you desire so that your life can point to Christ Jesus, our Lord.
Then I fell in love with Christ.
As a new believer, I realized that I am a sinner but I also realized it would be too easy to simply conform in order to look like a good Christian instead of allowing Christ to change my heart so I told God, “I will change nothing unless You ask it of me.”
Before I barge ahead and arrogantly claim to have done just that, I must admit that it is not as simple as I originally thought. In my naivete, I thought God would speak and Raychel would change. But sometimes God wants to change things Raychel doesn't want to admit are a problem and sometimes God wants to use people to address Raychel's problems and Raychel insolently balks at what they say.
Oh, Pride, you can only bring me death!
Well, Christ has asked for a lot of change from me. He has asked me to follow His laws closely, the first of which is, “You shall have no other gods before Me (Exodus 20:3).
I have given my life to loving God with everything I have; He has become my Treasure, my All in All. I am delighting myself in the Lord, and He is giving me the desires of my heart (Psalm 37:4).
Amazingly, what I desire seems to be changing. As Christ becomes my treasure, as I find my joy rooted more and more deeply in Him, a process occurs and I find myself being transformed by the renewing of my mind (Romans 12:2). No joke! If you look back at Romans 11:33-36 you'll notice the love language Paul is using toward God, then you'll notice that he subsequently launches into this idea that if we present our bodies as living and holy sacrifices – and, honestly, who doesn't sacrifice himself for his treasure? - then, in this worship, we will be transformed by the renewing of our minds so that we may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect (these verses, by the way, define worship).
If God is my treasure, and my mind is being renewed to know what His will is, it goes to follow that my desires will begin to align themselves to His will.
And now I no longer see His law as constraining (for the most part) but liberating. Why?
A friend once used an analogy that really helps illustrate what I think happens.
Imagine the Law is like a line drawn in the ground. If you cross the line, you've broken the rules. There are many people – such as myself, before I knew Christ – who don't see any reason to stay on one side of the line. There are many people who strive to stay on the right side of the line but have the perspective that it is restraining their freedom, so they try to get as close to it as they possibly can without crossing it.
Then there are people who see the line and know it was not put there to keep them from freedom, but to give them freedom. This line teaches them how to love God, themselves, and others with all their heart, mind, and strength (because that, in essence, is the Law, right?). Instead of dwelling on how to get as close to the line as they possibly can, these people turn around and see all the freedom God has put right there at their fingertips.
Instead of seeing “how far they can go without actually having sex” with their boyfriend or girlfriend, just because the Bible does not condone sex outside of marriage, they enjoy the relationship they can have with one another, maybe really digging into those conversations they're not too distracted to have or delighting in simply holding each others' hand, because they recognize that that's the best way they can love one another.
Instead of not getting drunk just because the Bible says not to, they realize that their bodies are a temple of God and so truly enjoy the presence of the Holy Spirit in their lives, and do what they can to cultivate their awareness of Him.
Instead of avoiding foul language just because the Bible says to, they hold their tongues because they are saving breath to find new words with which to praise the Lord, which not only glorifies Him but causes others to take notice that what comes out of their mouths is different from the way other people speak (I stand convicted; my mouth is not clean: I gossip, whine, and curse. But as I write this I am discovering a reason for watching my tongue that is grounded in my delight in the Lord. I hope to see change.).
Christianity is not about strident rules, but about a relationship with One who is perfect and can satisfy our every need and desire. It is about discovering that true life comes in and through and for Christ alone. It is about allowing Him to transform us so that our lives can reflect the one true God. It is about discovering the life-giving freedom to love Him, to love ourselves, and to love others.
The reality I live in is merely a shadow of what I've just written about, but I look forward to continuing in the process of being transformed by the renewing of my mind and discovering where His will and my desires are aligning. I hope and pray that you, also, will delight yourself in the Lord and see a radical difference in what you desire so that your life can point to Christ Jesus, our Lord.
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