I think I wounded my dad today. Of course, I didn’t mean to; I was so caught up in myself I really wasn’t thinking of him at all. The only thing I did was ask him not to call me a nickname he sometimes uses on me. I hate this nickname because it’s the same nickname my last two boyfriends used on me - Baby. It’s like nails on chalkboard for me. The problem is, I’m not really sure if I asked him not to use to because it honestly bothers me or because the last time I told him I didn’t like it he told me to get over it. Is it more that my pride is upset or that I honestly detest that nickname?
He told me again today to get over it. Actually he said, “You need to let go.”
I responded, “I need you to stop calling me that.”
“No, you need to let go,” he repeated.
“I need you to stop calling me that.”
“Ok, but you also need to let go and heal from the past.”
“I’m dealing with that,” I told him and then he got up and left the room. Immediately I felt guilty of just making the gulf between us even wider and being stubborn just for pride’s sake.
On Sunday my pastor talked about Eph 6:1-4. For me this passage only brought up the same questions I asked myself in January. Am I being dishonorable to my parents by moving out? My brother lost his temper, picked me up, and threw me against a metal bed frame and then to the floor. I hurt the next and had bruises where people shouldn’t have bruises - on my lower back.
I remember, after the fight ended, my dad, holding me in his arms, as though to say, “Don’t worry, baby, you’re safe where your daddy is.” But he was there! The whole time! And I got hurt! And every night for years before that I locked my bedroom door when I slept because I worried that I was going to say the wrong thing and Asher was going to come in during the night and murder me! As he held me I just felt really awkward because I knew that it was going to take more than a hug to deal with this abuse.
It was the next day that I told my parents, either Asher moves out or I’m moving out, but I’m not living with someone whom I’m afraid might hurt me. I think my dad took that as, “I don’t trust you to keep me safe in your household,” because his response was a snarled, “Then move out.”
Did I do the right thing? One of the Ten Commandments is “Honor your father and your mother…” (Deut 5:16). Paul repeats this assertion in his letter to the Ephesians. Have I dishonored my parents when I moved out? For some reason my dad chose to take my decision very personal.
I know, I started out talking about a nickname. My relationship with my dad is just really awkward right now and I’m trying to take steps to change that (and I’m sure he is as well) and none of us are real good at sitting down and just dealing with the conflict.
Maybe that’s what needs to happen; a conversation about us, him and I. Oh, man, that’s going to take a lot more courage than I have!
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Friday, July 4, 2008
Time to Choose the Truth
I just spent three rounds of the song “Sweetly Broken” by Jeremy Riddle crying, laughing, wordlessly worshiping God. Now I’m going to share with you why.
My summer has been incredibly difficult so far. You may be thinking, “Summer just started, dear.” For me, summer started on May 15(ish) when training for YD started. We have a ton of fun but there’s a lot of work involved and I think Satan starts attacking us right away, whether it’s stroking our pride or telling us we’re not good enough to be there.
At some point near the end of training, God spoke to me though James 1:21-25, reminding me that He spent the fall and winter months teaching me who He was, and now He was calling me to live that knowledge out in faith, being sure that He is everywhere, almighty, faithful, just, loving, all those glorious things I read about. I wasn’t quite sure how that was supposed to look, except that I should trust Him while on trips and be bold and faithful and speak to kids the Truth that He taught me.
However, I’ve been going around crippled, believing that God is who He says He is but not believing I am who He says I am. I’ve been feeling very uncomfortable whenever one of my YD friends let it be known that they believed in me, had faith in God working through me, or if someone complimented something about me. I just couldn’t believe it; I thought, “They have no idea. I’m so not worth their kindness. I’m a mess. I am unacceptably worthless.”
It doesn’t help that I’ve been exhausted. I always get over emotional and start believing all sorts of awful things when I’m tired. However, this time it spilled over and I found myself sitting in my room wondering why one friend said I was loved and special but, I thought, her actions said otherwise. One distant part of me kept screaming, “Lies! You’re believing lies!” But a louder part of me said, “Christians have to say you’re special and loved. The truth is you’re not worth her time, her love, even the words she uses to tell you good things.”
Suddenly it struck me that a few months ago, while visiting with a friend, I told her that I’d finally discovered which voice is the Holy Spirit’s. “It’s the one that tells me I’m doing things right,” I told her. I meant the voice that affirms, that says good things to me, not the voice that condemns me or makes me feel insecure or tells me I’m worthy only of loathing.
Which voice am I listening to right now? Why? It may be loud but even if Satan is screaming, he can’t drown out the Truth.
Suddenly, I got angry. I began to yell at Satan, telling him I am sick of his lies and that I refuse to believe them anymore. I told Satan that in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ he it was time he left me alone. Then I began to pray, asking God, “Who am I, then?”
I remembered a sheet of paper I received from my church that had all the “Who I Am in Christ” statements done in calligraphy by a friend of mine. I had set these statements aside because I was letting God teach me who He is, without the distraction of who that makes me. I grabbed it off my shelf and began to read, pray, and rejoice over them.
The very first statement is, “I am accepted.” The tears of joy came right away. For a long time now I have been carrying around this burden of believing I am unacceptable. I can’t receive the compliments my friends give because I think they don’t realize how unworthy I am. I always think, “You don’t know how lazy I am. I never pull my weight! Everyone works harder than me. You don’t know how hateful I am. You don’t know how unsure I am. Everyone else is worthy of these compliments, but I’m not.” This is something I discovered just the other day, that I can’t receive good things from my friends; as I realized it I asked God, “Do I accept Your love for me? Do I accept the things You say about me?” I couldn’t answer this question for myself; I needed God to show me.
So this day He showed me; I have been believing the lies of Satan over the Truths of God. Do you know what this means? I am being disobedient to God! I am not believing what the Word of God says!
To believe what Satan says over what God says - what a tragedy! No wonder I feel crippled. No wonder I feel inhibited.
On my myspace profile I stole a quote from Nichole Nordeman, “Did I choose to love?” Now is the time to choose the Truths of the Bible over the lies of Satan. I already know God is who He says He is. What is holding me back from believing I am who He says I am? Nothing! Except me! I must choose to believe God!
It’s so humbling when I think about it. Jesus wants us to submit to Him and believe in Him and this means believing in these good things He boldly proclaims about us. We don’t deserve it but it’s true nonetheless. Waiting until I deserve it is a waste of time because it’s true now. What am I waiting for?
I pray everyday to serve my Lord. How can I do that if I am handicapped by lies? The Truth sets me free so I can serve my Lord unreservedly, uninhibitedly. I am accepted as a vessel of the Holy Spirit, a voice of the Lord, a servant of Jesus, a child of God, a friend and disciple of Jesus. I am secure, freed of all condemnation by the blood Jesus shed on the cross, knowing that all things work toward the good of those who believe and love God, unable to be separated from the love of God, confident that God will complete the good works He has begun in me. I am significant, a branch of Jesus Christ and a channel of His life, a temple of God, seated with Jesus in the heavenly realm. These are but a few of the bold claims Jesus and His disciples have claimed about me.
I am FREE!!!!
Lord Jesus Christ, I pray You help me to believe the claims You’ve made to the depths of my soul. Help me to choose Your Truths over Satan’s lies, reminding me of who You say I am. Help me to live these things out, learning to boldly live as one loved and cherished by You.
Sweetly Broken by Jeremy Riddle
To the cross I look,
To the cross I cling
Of its suffering I do drink,
Of its work I do sing
For on it my Savior,
Both bruised and crushed
Showed that God is love
And God is just.
At the cross You beckon me
You draw me gently to my knees, and I am
Lost for words, so lost in love,
I’m sweetly broken, wholly surrendered
What a priceless gift,
Undeserved life
Have I been given
Through Christ crucified.
You’ve called me out of death,
You’ve called me into life
And I was under Your wrath,
Now through the cross I’m reconciled.
My summer has been incredibly difficult so far. You may be thinking, “Summer just started, dear.” For me, summer started on May 15(ish) when training for YD started. We have a ton of fun but there’s a lot of work involved and I think Satan starts attacking us right away, whether it’s stroking our pride or telling us we’re not good enough to be there.
At some point near the end of training, God spoke to me though James 1:21-25, reminding me that He spent the fall and winter months teaching me who He was, and now He was calling me to live that knowledge out in faith, being sure that He is everywhere, almighty, faithful, just, loving, all those glorious things I read about. I wasn’t quite sure how that was supposed to look, except that I should trust Him while on trips and be bold and faithful and speak to kids the Truth that He taught me.
However, I’ve been going around crippled, believing that God is who He says He is but not believing I am who He says I am. I’ve been feeling very uncomfortable whenever one of my YD friends let it be known that they believed in me, had faith in God working through me, or if someone complimented something about me. I just couldn’t believe it; I thought, “They have no idea. I’m so not worth their kindness. I’m a mess. I am unacceptably worthless.”
It doesn’t help that I’ve been exhausted. I always get over emotional and start believing all sorts of awful things when I’m tired. However, this time it spilled over and I found myself sitting in my room wondering why one friend said I was loved and special but, I thought, her actions said otherwise. One distant part of me kept screaming, “Lies! You’re believing lies!” But a louder part of me said, “Christians have to say you’re special and loved. The truth is you’re not worth her time, her love, even the words she uses to tell you good things.”
Suddenly it struck me that a few months ago, while visiting with a friend, I told her that I’d finally discovered which voice is the Holy Spirit’s. “It’s the one that tells me I’m doing things right,” I told her. I meant the voice that affirms, that says good things to me, not the voice that condemns me or makes me feel insecure or tells me I’m worthy only of loathing.
Which voice am I listening to right now? Why? It may be loud but even if Satan is screaming, he can’t drown out the Truth.
Suddenly, I got angry. I began to yell at Satan, telling him I am sick of his lies and that I refuse to believe them anymore. I told Satan that in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ he it was time he left me alone. Then I began to pray, asking God, “Who am I, then?”
I remembered a sheet of paper I received from my church that had all the “Who I Am in Christ” statements done in calligraphy by a friend of mine. I had set these statements aside because I was letting God teach me who He is, without the distraction of who that makes me. I grabbed it off my shelf and began to read, pray, and rejoice over them.
The very first statement is, “I am accepted.” The tears of joy came right away. For a long time now I have been carrying around this burden of believing I am unacceptable. I can’t receive the compliments my friends give because I think they don’t realize how unworthy I am. I always think, “You don’t know how lazy I am. I never pull my weight! Everyone works harder than me. You don’t know how hateful I am. You don’t know how unsure I am. Everyone else is worthy of these compliments, but I’m not.” This is something I discovered just the other day, that I can’t receive good things from my friends; as I realized it I asked God, “Do I accept Your love for me? Do I accept the things You say about me?” I couldn’t answer this question for myself; I needed God to show me.
So this day He showed me; I have been believing the lies of Satan over the Truths of God. Do you know what this means? I am being disobedient to God! I am not believing what the Word of God says!
To believe what Satan says over what God says - what a tragedy! No wonder I feel crippled. No wonder I feel inhibited.
On my myspace profile I stole a quote from Nichole Nordeman, “Did I choose to love?” Now is the time to choose the Truths of the Bible over the lies of Satan. I already know God is who He says He is. What is holding me back from believing I am who He says I am? Nothing! Except me! I must choose to believe God!
It’s so humbling when I think about it. Jesus wants us to submit to Him and believe in Him and this means believing in these good things He boldly proclaims about us. We don’t deserve it but it’s true nonetheless. Waiting until I deserve it is a waste of time because it’s true now. What am I waiting for?
I pray everyday to serve my Lord. How can I do that if I am handicapped by lies? The Truth sets me free so I can serve my Lord unreservedly, uninhibitedly. I am accepted as a vessel of the Holy Spirit, a voice of the Lord, a servant of Jesus, a child of God, a friend and disciple of Jesus. I am secure, freed of all condemnation by the blood Jesus shed on the cross, knowing that all things work toward the good of those who believe and love God, unable to be separated from the love of God, confident that God will complete the good works He has begun in me. I am significant, a branch of Jesus Christ and a channel of His life, a temple of God, seated with Jesus in the heavenly realm. These are but a few of the bold claims Jesus and His disciples have claimed about me.
I am FREE!!!!
Lord Jesus Christ, I pray You help me to believe the claims You’ve made to the depths of my soul. Help me to choose Your Truths over Satan’s lies, reminding me of who You say I am. Help me to live these things out, learning to boldly live as one loved and cherished by You.
Sweetly Broken by Jeremy Riddle
To the cross I look,
To the cross I cling
Of its suffering I do drink,
Of its work I do sing
For on it my Savior,
Both bruised and crushed
Showed that God is love
And God is just.
At the cross You beckon me
You draw me gently to my knees, and I am
Lost for words, so lost in love,
I’m sweetly broken, wholly surrendered
What a priceless gift,
Undeserved life
Have I been given
Through Christ crucified.
You’ve called me out of death,
You’ve called me into life
And I was under Your wrath,
Now through the cross I’m reconciled.
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