No, this is not another blog about my boss. This is just stuff I've been learning; little things God's been showing me during our time together in the morning.
Lately I have begun to know that in order to truly understand the New Testament, I must become familiar with the Old Testament. There are a lot of things not said in the gospels, I think because they were just understood during those times and we have lost the meaning of them throughout the centuries. Today theology students can tell me what they're taught to know. Some things are totally up for debate.
Why did Jesus hush the demons before they could proclaim Him as the Lord?
Did Jesus always know He came for the Gentiles as well as the Jews?
What does it mean when Jesus says He did not come to judge (John 12:47) but before then He'd told everyone that's why God sent Him (John 5:22; John 9:39)?
What was Jesus writing in the sand when the Pharisees and the scribes brought the adulterous woman to Him for judgment?
Here is where I think knowledge of the OT helps make things clear. The other day I stumbled upon Jeremiah 17:13:
“Those who turn away from you will be written in the dust.”
Perhaps Jesus was writing names? Was He adding these men to the “list” of those who have forsaken God? Was He taunting them? Perhaps the Pharisees went home that day, thought over the situation with the sinful woman, and remembered Jesus writing in the dirt, and then were reminded of this verse in the Holy Scriptures and burned with anger over the audacity of the Carpenter Boy from Nowhere.
Or perhaps, as my Bible suggests, this situation never happened.
I read Yancey's entire book, “The Jesus I Never Knew” and didn't realize that what he was saying was, as Madeleine L'Engle simply put it, “The Jews expected Jesus to be a political leader like King David.” They didn't realize He was God. And who would, considering the way He presented Himself: the omniscient, omnipotent, eternal God being born as a baby who had to learn how to walk, talk, read, and who had to have His diapers changed. Even His disciples didn't know Him for who He really is.
Yesterday morning I was reading Mark 4:35-41 and the language used struck me as familiar.
The disciples and Jesus are in a boat crossing (I'm assuming) the Sea of Galilee. There is a storm so big their boat starts to sink and Jesus is sleeping away at the stern, probably exhausted after many days of intense ministry. The disciples are terrified and wake Him up, “We're going to die! How can you sleep?” they tell him (that was add-libbing, not a quote).
“[Jesus] got up, rebuked the wind, and said, 'Quiet! Be still!' Then the wind died down and it was completely calm.” vs 39
“Be still,” He said.
I have spent a lot of time lately in Psalm 46 because God is teaching me to be still. The psalm begins, “God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.” From there the Sons of Korah imagine a scene of ultimate terror: the earth is falling apart! Nations are terrified! Earthly kingdoms are proven impermanent. Through all of this they rest secure in the knowledge of Almighty God.
At the end of the psalm, God tells us to be still and know that He is God. In the story in Mark God, as Jesus, tells the wind and the waves to be still. He then asks the disciples, “Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?” And the disciples were terrified and responded, “Who is this? Even the wind and the waves obey Him!”
He is God!
Jesus gave the disciples the opportunity to “be still” in the storm and know that He is God. They did not know, but the storm did! The storm knew the voice of its Creator when He spoke.
I pray I learn to be still and know that He is God. I want to be in the midst of a storm and know He is God. I want that kind of faith. But is it possible that when I'm in a storm and cannot recognize the Lord with me, He will tell it to be still, thus revealing His presence to me?
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Friday, April 25, 2008
Redeemed
A couple weeks after “the incident” with my boss I was told to put fly line on reels again. This requires that I use a little machine (the best name I can come up with is a “reel machine”) with a foot peddle that is used to spin a little motor which has a crank attached to it. I lock a reel into the crank and spin backing onto the reel. Then I tie fly line to the backing and spin that onto the reel. The backing always comes on a nice little spool so I can hold it between my fingers as it spins onto the reel but the fly line Grigg had me using this day did not come on a spool – it was just a coil of line. There were spools available to put the fly line onto but the spools were too big to fit in my hand and if they were even slightly bumped they broke open, at which point all the fly line unwound and – poof! – I had a rat’s nest on my hands which took plenty of time to untangle. I found the easiest way to deal with this unspooled fly line was to unwind it, stretching it out across the floor. I would still have occasional tangles to deal with but no rat’s nests.
Through the morning I worked on these reels consistently and as quickly as I could. Productivity is important to Grigg and if I go slower than he has deemed productive, he will take the task away from me.
When I stopped to take a break, Dave went back to check my work. He came back to the break room to tell me, “You’ve been averaging about 10 reels an hour. I can do between 20 and 30 an hour. You need to catch up to that.” He didn’t really say it kindly.
I went back and worked at a speed that left me feeling frantic and stressed. I got up to 17 an hour and felt like a failure. Dave came out and saw me stretching fly line across the floor and said, “It’s easier if you use those spools. No wonder you’re going so slow.” But I explained how the fly line tended to tangle a lot more if I used the spools. Still, he didn’t seem satisfied with my work.
After awhile I began to realize that the level of stress I felt came from my unhealthy fear of Dave Grigg. I did not want the punishment of hearing all my faults (even as made-up in the mind of Dave Grigg as they were) laid out for me and set to the tune of blame and self-righteous indignation. I spent a few days praying that God would help me take Dave off the throne of wrathful deity in my heart, allowing God complete Kingship once again.
We ran out of backing a couple days later and I was set free from the task for a few weeks. Recently we got backing and more fly line in and I was asked to continue this task.
I began the task with trepidation, worrying that I still wouldn’t be able to go fast enough (even though the new fly line came on a spool) and that Dave would get frustrated with me again. Then I began making up conversations with him in which he approached me to give me a “talking to” but I had a few words for him in retaliation. When I was through bashing Dave I moved on to other people and incidences in my life that are a frustration.
And so I discovered that stress can open the door for Satan to harass me.
I realized after a few hours of this that I hadn’t had a positive thought all morning. I begin praying for help. Every time the bad thoughts began, I had to stop them and begin praying again. It takes a lot of discipline at a level which I can’t seem to keep up so the day never got any better for me.
That evening I read a verse suggested for our discussion at home community:
“Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.” 1 Peter 5:6
It was interesting to read that after my day at work so I continued to read and found: “And the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm, and steadfast.” 1 Peter 5:10.
For some reason I found comfort in these words and I knew I would need some sort of defense the next day at work. However, I remembered that one of the things Dave had expressed disgruntlement about was my reading my Bible on the job (“I’m glad you’re in the Word but you shouldn’t do it on my time.”) I knew, but he didn’t know, that all I do is open my Bible, glance at the verse, then leave the Bible open to remind me of what I am focusing on. I don’t sit there and spend 5 minutes looking for something juicy to read and then spend another 15 minutes meditating on this juicy stuff and then, with a final 5 minute prayer, get back to work.
The next day I approached Dave and asked him if I could have my Bible out and told him what it is I do with it. He then wanted to know what was going on that made me need to seek defense in God’s word. I couldn’t tell him that he had caused so much stress for me that Satan had found an open door with which to harass me so I told him about something else going on in my life which was sufficiently juicy enough that he was satisfied. We prayed and he let me go, complete with gracious permission granted to have my Bible open.
I need to stop the attitude toward this man!
As I worked, I timed myself and, as I had noticed the day before, I was consistently finishing almost 10 reels every 20 minutes! I was so proud I went and told Dave at the end of the day how well I was doing. His response was, “Now do you want to see who can do it faster?” (Another thing he was angry with me about that one day was that I had denied him the opportunity to compete with me over who could bag these little fly boxes faster. I was new and he was making me nervous and I told him I wasn’t very competitive.)
“Let’s do it!” I said.
We dragged Krista out of her office and went out to the warehouse. I gave her my watch so she could use the stopwatch to time us. First I went, then Dave. I was sure he would kick my butt (he was sure he’d kick my butt too). I beat him by 5 seconds!
So there you have it; Raychel has been redeemed in the eyes of Dave Grigg. I’m so relieved God requires faith, not works.
Through the morning I worked on these reels consistently and as quickly as I could. Productivity is important to Grigg and if I go slower than he has deemed productive, he will take the task away from me.
When I stopped to take a break, Dave went back to check my work. He came back to the break room to tell me, “You’ve been averaging about 10 reels an hour. I can do between 20 and 30 an hour. You need to catch up to that.” He didn’t really say it kindly.
I went back and worked at a speed that left me feeling frantic and stressed. I got up to 17 an hour and felt like a failure. Dave came out and saw me stretching fly line across the floor and said, “It’s easier if you use those spools. No wonder you’re going so slow.” But I explained how the fly line tended to tangle a lot more if I used the spools. Still, he didn’t seem satisfied with my work.
After awhile I began to realize that the level of stress I felt came from my unhealthy fear of Dave Grigg. I did not want the punishment of hearing all my faults (even as made-up in the mind of Dave Grigg as they were) laid out for me and set to the tune of blame and self-righteous indignation. I spent a few days praying that God would help me take Dave off the throne of wrathful deity in my heart, allowing God complete Kingship once again.
We ran out of backing a couple days later and I was set free from the task for a few weeks. Recently we got backing and more fly line in and I was asked to continue this task.
I began the task with trepidation, worrying that I still wouldn’t be able to go fast enough (even though the new fly line came on a spool) and that Dave would get frustrated with me again. Then I began making up conversations with him in which he approached me to give me a “talking to” but I had a few words for him in retaliation. When I was through bashing Dave I moved on to other people and incidences in my life that are a frustration.
And so I discovered that stress can open the door for Satan to harass me.
I realized after a few hours of this that I hadn’t had a positive thought all morning. I begin praying for help. Every time the bad thoughts began, I had to stop them and begin praying again. It takes a lot of discipline at a level which I can’t seem to keep up so the day never got any better for me.
That evening I read a verse suggested for our discussion at home community:
“Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.” 1 Peter 5:6
It was interesting to read that after my day at work so I continued to read and found: “And the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm, and steadfast.” 1 Peter 5:10.
For some reason I found comfort in these words and I knew I would need some sort of defense the next day at work. However, I remembered that one of the things Dave had expressed disgruntlement about was my reading my Bible on the job (“I’m glad you’re in the Word but you shouldn’t do it on my time.”) I knew, but he didn’t know, that all I do is open my Bible, glance at the verse, then leave the Bible open to remind me of what I am focusing on. I don’t sit there and spend 5 minutes looking for something juicy to read and then spend another 15 minutes meditating on this juicy stuff and then, with a final 5 minute prayer, get back to work.
The next day I approached Dave and asked him if I could have my Bible out and told him what it is I do with it. He then wanted to know what was going on that made me need to seek defense in God’s word. I couldn’t tell him that he had caused so much stress for me that Satan had found an open door with which to harass me so I told him about something else going on in my life which was sufficiently juicy enough that he was satisfied. We prayed and he let me go, complete with gracious permission granted to have my Bible open.
I need to stop the attitude toward this man!
As I worked, I timed myself and, as I had noticed the day before, I was consistently finishing almost 10 reels every 20 minutes! I was so proud I went and told Dave at the end of the day how well I was doing. His response was, “Now do you want to see who can do it faster?” (Another thing he was angry with me about that one day was that I had denied him the opportunity to compete with me over who could bag these little fly boxes faster. I was new and he was making me nervous and I told him I wasn’t very competitive.)
“Let’s do it!” I said.
We dragged Krista out of her office and went out to the warehouse. I gave her my watch so she could use the stopwatch to time us. First I went, then Dave. I was sure he would kick my butt (he was sure he’d kick my butt too). I beat him by 5 seconds!
So there you have it; Raychel has been redeemed in the eyes of Dave Grigg. I’m so relieved God requires faith, not works.
Saturday, April 19, 2008
Grace and Mercy
A couple weekends ago God was speaking to me about something I didn't really want to hear. I've been reading through the Gospels again (you really can't do that too much or too often) but this time much, much more slowly than ever before and the Bible I've been using is a chronological one. One morning I read a part from Luke 4 after Jesus went to His home town and read and taught from Isaiah:
“All spoke well of Him and were amazed at the gracious words that came from His lips. 'Isn't this Joseph's son?' they asked.
“Jesus said to them, 'Surely you will quote this proverb to me: “Physician, heal yourself! Do here in your hometown what we have heard that you did in Capernaum.”' Luke 4:22-23
My parents are proud to share that when I was a baby they had me dedicated and the one who did the dedication was the founder of their church, John Robert Stevens. They also love to brag that my dedication became something special for my dad; JRS laid hands on my dad and prophesied that he would be a prophet of love.
I've heard this over and over throughout my life but over the years it has lost its special flavor and become moldy and unpalatable.
A prophet of love, eh? Show me, dad, where's the love in your family? How do you show your love to your family? Oh, wait, you messed up, didn't you.
“Physician, heal yourself!”
I'm pretty sure I want as much ammo against my dad as possible so I have excuses not to engage in a relationship with him. But then God started showing me about the difference between grace and mercy.
Grace is God's (and our) ability to forgive. Mercy is what that relationship looks like after the forgiveness happens. Grace and mercy are both a two-way street.
In order to accept God's grace, we must recognize that we have been living in sin, that God has every right and reason to reject us, but that, if we accept His forgiveness, we can receive His grace and live in a right relationship to Him. The “right relationship” is mercy. Once we have accepted His grace, we can have a relationship with Him through prayer, reading our Bibles, and fellowship. But we must be able to accept that His grace gives us the opportunity to relate to Him, and then be willing to spend time developing that relationship. God never withholds grace or mercy from us; what He wants more than anything is relationships with His children.
Then He tells us to forgive and live in “right relationships” with one another. I have been working on extending grace to my dad but I have been very unwilling to extend mercy. In other words, I am withholding myself from a relationship with him – in a sense, punishing him for being a weird and distant father.
This doesn't mean that our relationship should look like every perfect father-daughter relationship, or should be everything he ever dreamed it could be. God can give all of Himself. Often we cannot – and I think that's alright. When my dad calls me “baby” or kisses me on the back of the neck, he makes me feel uncomfortable; we're not that close and I can't pretend that we are so I have every right to ask him to stop. Still, I should find time to sit down at a meal with him and have a conversation, maybe call his phone every once in a while to see how he's doing.
I don't need any more ammo against my dad; what I need is to obey my Lord and remember what it cost Him to give us Himself. He wanted relationships with us so badly that He was willing to give up His Son's life. His Son asked us to be like the Father, forgiving and being merciful to one another.
“Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.” Luke 6:36
I'm not giving myself excuses but it's really hard to put into practice. When I'm around my dad I feel nearly repelled by him; I want nothing to do with him at all. A friend of mine recently said, “Pray about that specifically! Pray about it a lot.” And so I shall.
I finished “Bright Evening Star” by Madeleine L'Engle and I strongly recommend it. I have requested another of her books from the library because I liked this one so much.
“All spoke well of Him and were amazed at the gracious words that came from His lips. 'Isn't this Joseph's son?' they asked.
“Jesus said to them, 'Surely you will quote this proverb to me: “Physician, heal yourself! Do here in your hometown what we have heard that you did in Capernaum.”' Luke 4:22-23
My parents are proud to share that when I was a baby they had me dedicated and the one who did the dedication was the founder of their church, John Robert Stevens. They also love to brag that my dedication became something special for my dad; JRS laid hands on my dad and prophesied that he would be a prophet of love.
I've heard this over and over throughout my life but over the years it has lost its special flavor and become moldy and unpalatable.
A prophet of love, eh? Show me, dad, where's the love in your family? How do you show your love to your family? Oh, wait, you messed up, didn't you.
“Physician, heal yourself!”
I'm pretty sure I want as much ammo against my dad as possible so I have excuses not to engage in a relationship with him. But then God started showing me about the difference between grace and mercy.
Grace is God's (and our) ability to forgive. Mercy is what that relationship looks like after the forgiveness happens. Grace and mercy are both a two-way street.
In order to accept God's grace, we must recognize that we have been living in sin, that God has every right and reason to reject us, but that, if we accept His forgiveness, we can receive His grace and live in a right relationship to Him. The “right relationship” is mercy. Once we have accepted His grace, we can have a relationship with Him through prayer, reading our Bibles, and fellowship. But we must be able to accept that His grace gives us the opportunity to relate to Him, and then be willing to spend time developing that relationship. God never withholds grace or mercy from us; what He wants more than anything is relationships with His children.
Then He tells us to forgive and live in “right relationships” with one another. I have been working on extending grace to my dad but I have been very unwilling to extend mercy. In other words, I am withholding myself from a relationship with him – in a sense, punishing him for being a weird and distant father.
This doesn't mean that our relationship should look like every perfect father-daughter relationship, or should be everything he ever dreamed it could be. God can give all of Himself. Often we cannot – and I think that's alright. When my dad calls me “baby” or kisses me on the back of the neck, he makes me feel uncomfortable; we're not that close and I can't pretend that we are so I have every right to ask him to stop. Still, I should find time to sit down at a meal with him and have a conversation, maybe call his phone every once in a while to see how he's doing.
I don't need any more ammo against my dad; what I need is to obey my Lord and remember what it cost Him to give us Himself. He wanted relationships with us so badly that He was willing to give up His Son's life. His Son asked us to be like the Father, forgiving and being merciful to one another.
“Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.” Luke 6:36
I'm not giving myself excuses but it's really hard to put into practice. When I'm around my dad I feel nearly repelled by him; I want nothing to do with him at all. A friend of mine recently said, “Pray about that specifically! Pray about it a lot.” And so I shall.
I finished “Bright Evening Star” by Madeleine L'Engle and I strongly recommend it. I have requested another of her books from the library because I liked this one so much.
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
Challenging Possibilities
I have started reading the book “Bright Evening Star” by Madeleine L’Engle, in which she contemplates the Incarnation. It’s a wonderful book! I’m loving every word. She talks about discoveries in science: Galileo’s theory that the earth is not actually the center of the universe; Bruno’s claim of the existence of a plurality of worlds and their eternity; Darwin’s theory of evolution.
“Our growth in knowledge changed our understanding of the universe, but surely it neither changed nor threatened God…Could God love us as much if we were merely a planet in an ordinary solar system in a spiral galaxy, instead of the center of the universe? To some people it seemed that the intimate God who loves us, knows us, blesses us, could not be great enough to cope with the billions of galaxies flying away from us and still have attention for us creatures. But yes! Yes, our God is great enough to love us despite the enormity of Creation.”
I once read most of the book “The Case for a Creator” and I remember coming away with the feeling that God wants me to know I am not at the center of the universe. All things revolve around Him and His love and His holiness; all things are sustained by His omnipotence and His omniscience and His self-existence.
She considers the question of free will a little and makes this comment:
“When it was believed that everything was already predetermined, from the beginning to the end, free will was more of an empty phrase than a challenging possibility.”
I consider the term “challenging possibility” and remember that Jesus said, “Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.” (Matt 5:48). Maybe a wee bit more than “challenging” but Jesus didn’t say it for no reason. Then I remember that He said, “With God all things are possible” (Matt 19:26).
Speaking of challenging possibilities, the other day I discovered that I actually like my boss. It was a surprise to me. And a few days later he told me I was doing a good job! And that he and Krista will miss me when I go! And now, every once in awhile, they make comments about how maybe I should abandon ministry and stay with them.
My church has just resumed going through the book of Ephesians, picking back up in chapter 4. Three words were defined for us on Sunday.
Humility: setting aside what could be yours for the benefit of another
Gentleness: cutting someone a break, especially when they don’t deserve it
Patience: making allowances for someone else’s shortcomings
Free will.
Imagine – instead of grasping for power, authority, etc – being humble, gentle, and patient. Imagine the Body of Christ being knit together as one. Imagine my boss and me not only tolerating each other, not only getting along but sharing life, walking alongside each other, holding each other up... seeing Jesus in one another (no way!).
“Our growth in knowledge changed our understanding of the universe, but surely it neither changed nor threatened God…Could God love us as much if we were merely a planet in an ordinary solar system in a spiral galaxy, instead of the center of the universe? To some people it seemed that the intimate God who loves us, knows us, blesses us, could not be great enough to cope with the billions of galaxies flying away from us and still have attention for us creatures. But yes! Yes, our God is great enough to love us despite the enormity of Creation.”
I once read most of the book “The Case for a Creator” and I remember coming away with the feeling that God wants me to know I am not at the center of the universe. All things revolve around Him and His love and His holiness; all things are sustained by His omnipotence and His omniscience and His self-existence.
She considers the question of free will a little and makes this comment:
“When it was believed that everything was already predetermined, from the beginning to the end, free will was more of an empty phrase than a challenging possibility.”
I consider the term “challenging possibility” and remember that Jesus said, “Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.” (Matt 5:48). Maybe a wee bit more than “challenging” but Jesus didn’t say it for no reason. Then I remember that He said, “With God all things are possible” (Matt 19:26).
Speaking of challenging possibilities, the other day I discovered that I actually like my boss. It was a surprise to me. And a few days later he told me I was doing a good job! And that he and Krista will miss me when I go! And now, every once in awhile, they make comments about how maybe I should abandon ministry and stay with them.
My church has just resumed going through the book of Ephesians, picking back up in chapter 4. Three words were defined for us on Sunday.
Humility: setting aside what could be yours for the benefit of another
Gentleness: cutting someone a break, especially when they don’t deserve it
Patience: making allowances for someone else’s shortcomings
Free will.
Imagine – instead of grasping for power, authority, etc – being humble, gentle, and patient. Imagine the Body of Christ being knit together as one. Imagine my boss and me not only tolerating each other, not only getting along but sharing life, walking alongside each other, holding each other up... seeing Jesus in one another (no way!).
Sometimes (most of the time) the only reason I don't live this way is because I don't trust God; I don't fully understand that He has a plan and if I surrender to it, all things will come out right.
I look back at that day Dave was angry with me and I'm so glad for how I trusted God. It's a moment to marvel at and feel excited about and be proud of.
I have to go.Friday, February 29, 2008
Be Still
My job at the warehouse has been very interesting. My boss is a character and the job itself has been physically difficult. When I first started this job I told myself I was going to work my butt off – and I have!! I have worked fast and hard and never once complained about anything. I’ve been so very proud of myself for my performance; except for YD, I have never before purposefully and consistently worked as hard as I can.
But I felt as if something were wrong. My boss never told me, “Good job.” He never said, “You worked really hard today, thank you.” This has been on my mind quite a bit and I finally came to the conclusion that he didn’t affirm easily and so I decided to be secure in the knowledge that I am working as hard as I can.
Meanwhile, I have stored up stories for whoever wants to hear them. I mean, the guy (my boss) is just a nut! It wasn’t long after I met him that he became firmly established in my mind as a fool. There’s just no other way to describe him. I delighted in sharing with people all the quirky and crazy things he had to say.
Like one morning as he was showing me how to put together fly reels. “I’ve been thinking about why God put you here,” he said to me.
“Oh yeah?”
“I think you’re here so I can help you heal from all the bad male relationships in your past,” he arrogantly proclaimed. Ok.
One day, just as I was leaving, we started talking about Christian books (i.e. “Confessions” by Augustine or “Mere Christianity” by C.S. Lewis). “I’m just reading the Bible right now because I feel like I have to make up for 30 years of not reading it,” he told me.
“Then you should definitely be reading the Bible.”
“First I want to know what Jesus said. Then I want to become familiar with the words of Paul. Then I want to see what the prophets had to say to people who didn’t want to follow God so I know how to curse sinners.” !!!!!!!!
Monday I was asked to put together some fly line. I had just finished the task (I thought), my cd was nearly over (less than 30 seconds), and it was just past 11:00 (break time!) so I thought, “I’ll just enjoy the end of this song and then go ask for a break.” I had just leaned back on the counter when Dave walked in. Crap! I was quick to tell him that I had just finished my task and hadn’t been leaning long but I was pretty sure he didn’t believe me. But I shrugged it off.
The next morning when I showed up the first thing Dave said was, “There’s one line sitting back there on the bench. I thought I asked you to do all of them?”
I felt myself become instantly defensive. “I thought I did do them all. I’ll go check.” I marched back there feeling self-righteous and defiant only to find that I had, indeed, forgotten one whole line. My memory of the day before, leaning on the counter, came back to me. Another thought flashed across my mind as well. I once heard Dave say about someone, “I just don’t see Jesus in his life.” I kind of get the feeling he says the same thing about me when I’m not around. I know Jesus is very much so in my life but having someone not believe that kind of bugs me (esp. a fool like him, right?). I had another realization but hold on a moment and allow me to mention something else.
My book study group is currently going through “Mere Christianity”. One of the chapters we discussed Monday evening was about pride; C.S. Lewis considers it “the great sin”. We went around and mentioned one area in which we struggle with pride. Like so many people, pride is one of my hugest problems, but I couldn’t come up with a single example at that moment. So I prayed, “Lord, show me.” The next morning I prayed the same thing again, along with, “… and humble me,” at the same time thinking, “Alright, I’m in for it now!” I mean, you don’t usually pray for humility and then later (in the humble moment) think, “Sweet, God’s answering my prayer!”
Anyway, my realization was that God was answering my prayer. I’m pretty sure the man “doesn’t see Jesus in my life”; the day before he caught me leaning up against a counter; now I was being confronted with a stupid mistake I’d made (and he really did seem unusually upset over such a small thing). God was purposefully making me look like a fool to this man whom I thought was a fool. How humiliating!
Another thing suddenly struck me. When I was job hunting it occasionally occurred to me that I had never mastered the art of submitting to my bosses. It was like God was just kind of reminding me that that was an area in which I really needed to work and I would always push the thought away, “I’m not there yet,” I would think.
My pastor’s sermon from a couple weeks ago blazed into my mind and I remember him saying that when God wants us to learn something in particular, He keeps us in that situation or ones like it so we can learn.
Had I ever “submitted” to Dave as my boss? Heck no! I’d decided early on that he was just a kook. Who submits to a kook?
Of course I was looking like a fool! I may continue to look like a fool the entire time I know him. As I wrote in my journal Tuesday afternoon, “What’s important is that I learn to submit to the man when he reprimands me and be humble about my mistakes.”
But the realizations were not done with me yet. I was reflecting on how, lately, I look at people as they speak to me and think about how much God loves them. I don’t feel that way about Dave. But during book study we discussed something C.S. Lewis said: “Do not waste your time bothering whether you ‘love’ your neighbor; act as if you did. As soon as we do this we find one of the great secrets. When you are behaving as if you loved someone, you will presently come to love him.”
It now appeared as if my mission at W.W. Grigg was to learn humility, submission, and to love the unlovable.
I felt as though I really needed to open my Bible to something about fruits of the Spirit. Just as I was about to flip it open I felt God say, “Here, let me do that.” So I let it flip open at random and read the first thing I set eyes on. Haha, get this: “I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful.” John 15:1-2. More fruitful!! Whoo-hoo!! I’m being pruned!! At this point, I couldn’t wait to be pruned.
As the day progressed, I was told I’d made quite a few more mistakes. I took it cheerfully, now that I knew what was going on. I really felt like the Spirit was urging me to tell Dave I was sorry for all the mistakes I’d been making but I never found a moment in which to do so. I determined to say it the next day.
Here’s what I wrote in my journal the next morning:
I think this is all part of being still and coming to know that You are God. There is nothing to fear in this situation; there should be no pride or arrogance; there’s no cause for a self righteous attitude. You are pruning me and helping the gifts of Your Spirit to flourish. You are teaching me to rely on You. You are teaching me to stop worrying, stressing, feeling angry, etc., and just know You’re there taking care of everything.
“[The Spirit] comes from the Father, who looked down with unspeakable good pleasure on the humiliation and obedience and self-sacrifice of Christ, as the highest proof of his surrender to him.”
“[Christ] desires to manifest his likeness in us and to give us a full share of all that is his.” (quotes from “The Prayer Life” by Andrew Murray)
The words from the first sentence seem familiar to me; I think that’s what You are working on in me. You are doing this so the second sentence can be true.
How could I not be excited about being pruned? I just read those verses again and I am so excited! Of course, it’s the actual sitting in the moment that is hard. Probably when I get to work Dave will say something that will trigger anger, frustration, something.
When I got to work, I continued to feel urged by the Spirit to apologize for all the mistakes I’d been making. I finally went into Dave’s office and did that. Phew! I got an ear full! Dave just started telling me that there were other people who wanted the job, that when he walked in and saw me leaning on the bench the other day he was done with me, that he needs people who are willing to work hard and I wasn’t doing that, He was glad I was reading the Word but when he comes in and finds that I’m doing it on his time that frustrates him, and on and on and on.
I just stood there and ate it. I ate it all. This whole time I thought I was working my butt off and have been feeling very proud of myself and I just ate it. How terribly painful!
Then the tirade morphed. He began telling me that He didn’t have time to spend with God, that he couldn’t sleep at night because he was trying to figure out the next step for his business before he went bankrupt, that he was still struggling over the fact that Krista had been pregnant but God took the baby away.
At one point he was done and I felt the Spirit urge me to offer to pray for him. So I told home I would be praying for him. That wasn’t good enough for God so He roused Dave into more talking until I finally had the courage to say, “Can I pray for you right now?” I hate praying out loud in front of people! After I prayed he told me that was the best thing to happen all day “so far”. I told him I want to work hard for him, then the conversation was over and I went back out to the warehouse.
I spent the rest of the day in silence, thinking hard and feeling like crap. I still think I’ve been working hard this whole time and God just put blinders on Dave’s eyes so all this would happen. I fully believe that it serves a purpose that is quite possibly beyond me. I will work as hard as I can but I think the biggest change will be in my attitude toward Dave and he may (or may not and there’s nothing I can do about it) see this as a change in my performance.
As I left for the day I told Dave thank you for being honest with me. He started telling me about how when he walks into the warehouse he gets a snapshot of things from the past and he’s just enabled so many people and been backed into corners and had to learn how to bite back (I think that may have been an apology). Then he said he’s told Mary earlier that never has he received an offer of prayer from someone he’d just bitten. “That was really cool,” he said.
I am learning humility, submission, and to love the unlovable. Apparently Dave needed to see Jesus and somehow, through my painful learning process, he did. I can only hope.
I am learning humility, submission, and to love the unlovable, and all of this is teaching me to be still and know that He is God.
And I have so, so far to go. But what an amazing journey!
But I felt as if something were wrong. My boss never told me, “Good job.” He never said, “You worked really hard today, thank you.” This has been on my mind quite a bit and I finally came to the conclusion that he didn’t affirm easily and so I decided to be secure in the knowledge that I am working as hard as I can.
Meanwhile, I have stored up stories for whoever wants to hear them. I mean, the guy (my boss) is just a nut! It wasn’t long after I met him that he became firmly established in my mind as a fool. There’s just no other way to describe him. I delighted in sharing with people all the quirky and crazy things he had to say.
Like one morning as he was showing me how to put together fly reels. “I’ve been thinking about why God put you here,” he said to me.
“Oh yeah?”
“I think you’re here so I can help you heal from all the bad male relationships in your past,” he arrogantly proclaimed. Ok.
One day, just as I was leaving, we started talking about Christian books (i.e. “Confessions” by Augustine or “Mere Christianity” by C.S. Lewis). “I’m just reading the Bible right now because I feel like I have to make up for 30 years of not reading it,” he told me.
“Then you should definitely be reading the Bible.”
“First I want to know what Jesus said. Then I want to become familiar with the words of Paul. Then I want to see what the prophets had to say to people who didn’t want to follow God so I know how to curse sinners.” !!!!!!!!
Monday I was asked to put together some fly line. I had just finished the task (I thought), my cd was nearly over (less than 30 seconds), and it was just past 11:00 (break time!) so I thought, “I’ll just enjoy the end of this song and then go ask for a break.” I had just leaned back on the counter when Dave walked in. Crap! I was quick to tell him that I had just finished my task and hadn’t been leaning long but I was pretty sure he didn’t believe me. But I shrugged it off.
The next morning when I showed up the first thing Dave said was, “There’s one line sitting back there on the bench. I thought I asked you to do all of them?”
I felt myself become instantly defensive. “I thought I did do them all. I’ll go check.” I marched back there feeling self-righteous and defiant only to find that I had, indeed, forgotten one whole line. My memory of the day before, leaning on the counter, came back to me. Another thought flashed across my mind as well. I once heard Dave say about someone, “I just don’t see Jesus in his life.” I kind of get the feeling he says the same thing about me when I’m not around. I know Jesus is very much so in my life but having someone not believe that kind of bugs me (esp. a fool like him, right?). I had another realization but hold on a moment and allow me to mention something else.
My book study group is currently going through “Mere Christianity”. One of the chapters we discussed Monday evening was about pride; C.S. Lewis considers it “the great sin”. We went around and mentioned one area in which we struggle with pride. Like so many people, pride is one of my hugest problems, but I couldn’t come up with a single example at that moment. So I prayed, “Lord, show me.” The next morning I prayed the same thing again, along with, “… and humble me,” at the same time thinking, “Alright, I’m in for it now!” I mean, you don’t usually pray for humility and then later (in the humble moment) think, “Sweet, God’s answering my prayer!”
Anyway, my realization was that God was answering my prayer. I’m pretty sure the man “doesn’t see Jesus in my life”; the day before he caught me leaning up against a counter; now I was being confronted with a stupid mistake I’d made (and he really did seem unusually upset over such a small thing). God was purposefully making me look like a fool to this man whom I thought was a fool. How humiliating!
Another thing suddenly struck me. When I was job hunting it occasionally occurred to me that I had never mastered the art of submitting to my bosses. It was like God was just kind of reminding me that that was an area in which I really needed to work and I would always push the thought away, “I’m not there yet,” I would think.
My pastor’s sermon from a couple weeks ago blazed into my mind and I remember him saying that when God wants us to learn something in particular, He keeps us in that situation or ones like it so we can learn.
Had I ever “submitted” to Dave as my boss? Heck no! I’d decided early on that he was just a kook. Who submits to a kook?
Of course I was looking like a fool! I may continue to look like a fool the entire time I know him. As I wrote in my journal Tuesday afternoon, “What’s important is that I learn to submit to the man when he reprimands me and be humble about my mistakes.”
But the realizations were not done with me yet. I was reflecting on how, lately, I look at people as they speak to me and think about how much God loves them. I don’t feel that way about Dave. But during book study we discussed something C.S. Lewis said: “Do not waste your time bothering whether you ‘love’ your neighbor; act as if you did. As soon as we do this we find one of the great secrets. When you are behaving as if you loved someone, you will presently come to love him.”
It now appeared as if my mission at W.W. Grigg was to learn humility, submission, and to love the unlovable.
I felt as though I really needed to open my Bible to something about fruits of the Spirit. Just as I was about to flip it open I felt God say, “Here, let me do that.” So I let it flip open at random and read the first thing I set eyes on. Haha, get this: “I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful.” John 15:1-2. More fruitful!! Whoo-hoo!! I’m being pruned!! At this point, I couldn’t wait to be pruned.
As the day progressed, I was told I’d made quite a few more mistakes. I took it cheerfully, now that I knew what was going on. I really felt like the Spirit was urging me to tell Dave I was sorry for all the mistakes I’d been making but I never found a moment in which to do so. I determined to say it the next day.
Here’s what I wrote in my journal the next morning:
I think this is all part of being still and coming to know that You are God. There is nothing to fear in this situation; there should be no pride or arrogance; there’s no cause for a self righteous attitude. You are pruning me and helping the gifts of Your Spirit to flourish. You are teaching me to rely on You. You are teaching me to stop worrying, stressing, feeling angry, etc., and just know You’re there taking care of everything.
“[The Spirit] comes from the Father, who looked down with unspeakable good pleasure on the humiliation and obedience and self-sacrifice of Christ, as the highest proof of his surrender to him.”
“[Christ] desires to manifest his likeness in us and to give us a full share of all that is his.” (quotes from “The Prayer Life” by Andrew Murray)
The words from the first sentence seem familiar to me; I think that’s what You are working on in me. You are doing this so the second sentence can be true.
How could I not be excited about being pruned? I just read those verses again and I am so excited! Of course, it’s the actual sitting in the moment that is hard. Probably when I get to work Dave will say something that will trigger anger, frustration, something.
When I got to work, I continued to feel urged by the Spirit to apologize for all the mistakes I’d been making. I finally went into Dave’s office and did that. Phew! I got an ear full! Dave just started telling me that there were other people who wanted the job, that when he walked in and saw me leaning on the bench the other day he was done with me, that he needs people who are willing to work hard and I wasn’t doing that, He was glad I was reading the Word but when he comes in and finds that I’m doing it on his time that frustrates him, and on and on and on.
I just stood there and ate it. I ate it all. This whole time I thought I was working my butt off and have been feeling very proud of myself and I just ate it. How terribly painful!
Then the tirade morphed. He began telling me that He didn’t have time to spend with God, that he couldn’t sleep at night because he was trying to figure out the next step for his business before he went bankrupt, that he was still struggling over the fact that Krista had been pregnant but God took the baby away.
At one point he was done and I felt the Spirit urge me to offer to pray for him. So I told home I would be praying for him. That wasn’t good enough for God so He roused Dave into more talking until I finally had the courage to say, “Can I pray for you right now?” I hate praying out loud in front of people! After I prayed he told me that was the best thing to happen all day “so far”. I told him I want to work hard for him, then the conversation was over and I went back out to the warehouse.
I spent the rest of the day in silence, thinking hard and feeling like crap. I still think I’ve been working hard this whole time and God just put blinders on Dave’s eyes so all this would happen. I fully believe that it serves a purpose that is quite possibly beyond me. I will work as hard as I can but I think the biggest change will be in my attitude toward Dave and he may (or may not and there’s nothing I can do about it) see this as a change in my performance.
As I left for the day I told Dave thank you for being honest with me. He started telling me about how when he walks into the warehouse he gets a snapshot of things from the past and he’s just enabled so many people and been backed into corners and had to learn how to bite back (I think that may have been an apology). Then he said he’s told Mary earlier that never has he received an offer of prayer from someone he’d just bitten. “That was really cool,” he said.
I am learning humility, submission, and to love the unlovable. Apparently Dave needed to see Jesus and somehow, through my painful learning process, he did. I can only hope.
I am learning humility, submission, and to love the unlovable, and all of this is teaching me to be still and know that He is God.
And I have so, so far to go. But what an amazing journey!
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