I had the luxury of going up to the Long Beach Peninsula in WA this past spring. My parents own some lovely bay front property in Oysterville and I occasionally snag the opportunity to go up there alone and pray. I especially try to do this before the YD summer kicks off. I love solo retreats but I remember the last one I took; I had high expectations which weren’t met and I was extremely disappointed. I made up my mind then that I would never go into my retreats with my own agenda again. Instead, I would go in prayerfully and ready to accept what God had for me.
I mentioned this at our Southgate women’s Bible study and it was suggested to me that I go into this solo retreat with only the expectation of letting the Lord enjoy me. I liked this idea and prayed for days, “Lord, what can I do to make sure You can enjoy me?” The only direction I got from the Lord was, “Know that I am good.” Thus, I left Friday morning with only the ideas “God is good” and “let Him enjoy me” on my heart.
(Hahaha, as I type this, the song “God is Good” by Enter the Worship Circle just started playing on my computer. Awesome!)
God is good! He is far too good for my mind or imagination to comprehend.
After I got settled into the trailer and had walked out to say hello to the Willapa Bay I settled down with my Bible and a couple devotional books, including “The Calvary Road” by Roy Hession. Our director at YD Adventures had been encouraging us to read the interview in the back of this book and so I opened it up and began to read. I didn’t get very far before something that I still think is incredible happened. Here’s my journal entry from that moment:
From “The Calvary Road” p 112:
“And I remember one of them said, ‘Roy, you need to repent.’ I said, ‘Where do I need to repent?’ In all honesty I didn’t know - I was working so hard, I was praying so much, I was preaching so strong, doing so much.”
I read this and no further before I felt the urge to get down on my face and repent for trying so hard. It felt ridiculous and over dramatic but who really cares? No one’s here! So I wept and repented for trying and admitted that I don’t know how not to. I asked, “When can I start living as a child of God? Why am I waiting until I’m perfect?” Then I admitted to feeling bad that I have to take, take, take but suddenly realized that You are infinite so You can give, give, give and that’s what You want; that’s what You’re asking for.
So, Lord, teach me to stop trying and start taking. Screw perfectionism. I’m just going to take because You’re offering and I’m going to keep taking until I’m overflowing and then I’m going to GIVE what You’ve GIVEN me and I’m going to revel in the joy of TAKING and not TRYING!
I then left for the beach and watched the sun set, giddy with joy and feeling as though a huge weight had been taken from my shoulders. The rest of the weekend God confirmed that message to me through the Bible and books I was reading.
One conversation Jesus and I had on the beach was about His blood. Roy Hession writes a lot about being cleansed by the blood of Jesus. Deep down inside I always had the impression that, although Jesus gave His blood freely, it was my responsibility to wash myself. I was so confused as to how to actually “apply the blood” that I rarely felt as though my sins had been cleansed by His blood. As the sun was disappearing behind our slowly revolving earth, Jesus told me that I am not responsible for scrubbing myself clean. I need only surrender myself to Him, ask to be cleansed by His blood; He’ll do all the washing. No more trying.
I’d been reading through Romans for many weeks by the time I went to WA for my retreat. Here’s another piece to my journal:
Haha! I feel like I just found the proper meaning of this verse:
“He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him up for us all, how will He not also with Him freely give us all things?” Romans 8:32
You don’t want us to try and do it on our own. You want us to take. You are freely giving us all things.
Give, give, give, that’s what the God I know does. Lord, I pray to receive your gifts freely. Open my hands and teach me to take from You. Disallow me to try any longer. If I belong to You - which I do - then I shall receive every good thing from You.
“Every good thing bestowed and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation, or shifting shadow.” James 1:17
The Bible is riddled with God offering us free gifts. I think I always just looked at this and thought, “That’s nice of Him,” without actually receiving any of these gifts. Here He is: infinite, omnipotent, sovereign, and I’m rejecting His gifts (postulating: ) “because I might need them later.”
I need them now!
“For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life through Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 6:23
The same day I opened up “Prayer” by Richard Foster and read:
“Instead of striving to make this or that happen, we learn trust in a heavenly Father who loves to give. This does not promote inactivity, but it does promote dependent activity. No longer do we take things into our own hands. Rather, we place all things into divine hands and then act out of inner promptings.” p 96
Later I read psalm 145. This verse stuck out:
“Thou dost open Thy hand, and dost satisfy the desire of every living thing.” vs. 16
To this I responded:
I imagine shy, flighty birds finding One whose peace and goodness is such that they are willing to sit in and eat from His hand. And I think that’s true and Your hand is always open and we are always invited to eat from it. What I desire is to stay and never leave.
Then from Romans I read:
“But as for Israel He says, ‘All the day long I have stretched out my hands to a disobedient and obstinate people.” Romans 10:21
I always thought of God’s hand stretching palm side down, as though to take our hand. After reading Psalm 145 I see in my mind God stretching out cupped hands saying, “It’s free! Take it!” He’s holding out a free gift, urging us to take it.
Still later I read:
“For the scripture says, ‘Whoever believes in Him will not be disappointed.’ For there is no distinction between Jew and Greek; for the same Lord is Lord of all, abounding in riches for all who call upon Him; for ‘Whoever will call upon the name of the Lord will be saved.’” Romans 10:11-13
Then:
“It is so often self who tries to live the Christian life (the mere fact that we use the word ‘try’ indicates that it is self who has the responsibility)” The Calvary Road p 22
“… the only life that pleases God and that can be victorious is His life - never our own life, no matter how hard we try.” The Calvary Road p 25
The message is very clear. No more trying. Let be continually broken before You, continually washed in the blood. Lord, this is what I want to take with me from this weekend; no more trying; not “I” but Christ in me and through me.
I think I need to keep in mind that this is still a process. I have much to learn and many old habits You need to break. Ah, brokenness!
Since that weekend I have experientially learned that this is indeed a process. I have forgotten to ask for God’s infinite gifts; I have tried really hard; I have been prideful; I have failed. I have even been enormously frustrated with myself for not remembering to do it right. But each time I “fail” I take one step closer to better understanding that what God offers is free, infinite, and available whenever I ask for it. Each time I “fail” I take one step closer to remembering that I need only ask and He will give.
I have explained as much of this through scripture as I can because 1. That’s how God explained it to me and 2. As God says in Isaiah 55:10-11, “For the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and do not return there without watering the earth, and making it bear and sprout, and furnishing seed to the sower and bread to the eater; so shall My word be which goes forth from My mouth; it shall not return to Me empty, without accomplishing what I desire, and without succeeding in the matter for which I sent it.”
