The Storm Brewing

So, I’ve been laid off from my job (as of a week ago Sat), and apparently perfect timing, too. This week has been incredibly busy; nearly every minute has been scheduled. It’s all been fun stuff so I don’t mind. But there’s another reason I feel as though losing my job has been one of the best things to happen to me in a long time.

Ever since beginning my job at Bella Café I have had to squeeze my devotional time in wherever I could get it. Often that meant 15-30 minutes with my Bible and journal open but, if I forgot myself and took too long, I’d be late for something important. Thus I spent my God-times spastically watching the time. A couple weeks ago I began to realize that my time spent with God was no longer satisfying. It was just empty time spent reading my Bible - much like reading your history or chemistry text for school - and chronicling my life in my journal (“today I hope so-and-so comes in to get coffee cuz he’s cute”. (Ugh, gag me!))

I missed God. I missed the connection I used to have with him during my devotions which left me feeling challenged and excited throughout the day. I missed the camaraderie between us and the thrilling insights He used to share with me. Seriously, even the convicting insights were great cuz at least it was Him and I tackling something together so I could grow closer to Him. I haven’t had that in months and I could feel the spirit inside me growing numb and distant.

When I sensed this “lack of God-ness” in my life I began searching for the reasons why. I didn’t have much time to pursue my answers but a few thoughts were floating hazily around in my mind. I decided I needed to make sure my devotions were spent in my bedroom so I was not distracted by customers (cute boys). I decided I needed to focus more on what God was saying and less on what time it was. I decided I needed to be more disciplined while meditating on scripture (I had lost any skills I had at meditation. I would try to meditate and find myself, instead, dwelling on whether or not I wanted a latte that day or which earrings I was going to wear or - OMG! Is that a split end?. (Seriously, gag me!)) Last, I realized that, although I was surrounded by people, I was sharing my life with no one. I have begun (again?) to discover how valuable community is and being able to share my faith. I have been involved in youth group and a bible study but, although we talk about Jesus, we never discuss what Jesus is doing in our lives.
I tell you these things only so you know that this storm has been brewing for awhile. I sensed it. I would sit on my bed Sunday mornings (the only day time was not an issue) and ask God, “What is going on? Are you supposed to be this silent right now? Have I done something wrong? Is that a split end?” The parts of me that weren’t focused on my hair seemed to be saying, “You’re seeking; that’s good. He won’t be silent forever. Wait for the Lord, Raychel, just wait. He won’t always be silent.”

So here’s the order of events God set in motion: The staff at YD Adventures received a Christmas gift from our resident pastor, a book called “The Calvary Road”; I began recognizing that my spiritual life was becoming dry; YD staff began discussing getting together for lunches once a week again; Bella announced they were selling and employees were getting laid off; YD announced we were reading “The Calvary Road” and discussing the book Weds over lunch. All this in the span of a month.

I love to read and I really love studying a book with friends. Still, instead of being excited about “The Calvary Road” I began to resent the fact that we had to do homework in order to hang out with our coworkers. I felt like I didn’t have time to add another book into my schedule and who are they to tell me I have to, anyway?? The feelings I had were similar to the last Bible study I was at when a friend suggested we pray for each other and my reaction was, “I do not want to pray out loud. Why am I always being coerced into this situation? Who has time for this crap, anyway? Is that a split end??”

I knew then that there was something seriously wrong with my attitude and I sensed that, circumstantially, “The Calvary Road” was coming into my life with perfect timing. Still, by the time Wednesday morning showed up, I reluctantly dragged the book open to chapter 1. My first goal was to criticize Ron Hession’s theology harshly, my second to find nothing of personal value within the book’s pages. I was angry and resentful and resistant.

“It is always self who gets irritable and envious and resentful and critical and worried,” Ron Hession told me. This was not starting well at all.

I was sitting on my bed in my room and began to sense that my neck felt very stiff and unyielding. “Then it is we can stiffen our necks and refuse to repent, or we can bow the head and say, ‘Yes, Lord,’” I read.

What the heck? I thought. So I read that part again:

“Being broken is both God’s work and ours. He brings His pressure to bear, but we have to make the choice. If we are really open to conviction as we seek fellowship with God (and willingness for the light is the prime condition of fellowship with God), God will show us the expressions of this proud, hard self that cause Him pain. Then it is we can stiffen our necks and refuse to repent, or we can bow the head and say, ‘Yes, Lord.’ Brokenness in daily experience is simply the response of humility to the conviction of God.”

Have you ever sat and watched a really good storm brew? I remember a trip this past summer, we’d just gotten off the river and were entertaining the group while the shuttle was run. Suddenly we realized the sun had been snuffed out and the temperature had dropped 10 degrees. We looked up to find that the clouds that had hovered on the horizon all day had finally caught up to us. Lightening flashed in the distance and there was a sudden sense of urgency. Some students couldn’t wait for the vehicles to show up because they were getting cold. Some embraced the coming of the storm and hoped the lightening would keep flashing, closer and closer. YD staff wanted to get back to camp and dry gear before the full fury of the storm hit, so we could get back to our families and beds at a decent hour.

I sat on my bed and read the first two chapters of “The Calvary Road” and felt the clouds catching up, the sun snuffed, and the temperature dropping. I sensed the coming of the storm. The resentment was still there, the anger, frustration, dissatisfaction, but also a sense that relief was at hand. Something was happening. Something inside me was finally catching up to something outside of me.

To be continued…