What Raychel Has to Say

The Benefits of Depression

2011-10-22T15:09:00.000-07:00

”In this you greatly rejoice, even though now for a little while, if necessary, you will have been distressed by various trials, that the proof of your faith, being more precious than gold which is perishable, even though tested by fire, may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.” 1 Peter 1:6-7

I would first like to recognize that my trials have not been persecution and possible torture or death because of what I believe. The early Christians and current Christians who face these sorts of trials are greatly admired. My trials are far shallower than theirs but they are still refining me and bringing praise and glory and honor to my God.

For two years now I have struggled with depression, anxiety, and insomnia. The combination has left me drained and feeling absolutely useless. As a result I have struggled with guilt and blame, which has only increased my anxiety and thus my depression. As I face this autumn, once again the dread is back. It is not, however, as bad as it has been in the past; thank God for man's ability to manipulate chemicals so I can feel better (I began anti-depressant in May). I am in a different place today; I'm looking forward to a fall and winter in which I have the energy to be involved in the life Christ has called me to live.

In the midst of the storm I clung to Romans 8:28; now, as I step out of the clouds, I can see the silver lining. This depression has impacted me in ways I never would have expected. Good ways. I want to share these good ways because I remember sitting on my bed crying out to the Lord, “How can this possibly glorify You?”

Deeper faith: “...fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith...” Hebrews 12:2
As I struggled with depression, I also struggled with my faith. It was depression that brought me to Christ in the first place; to return to that place of sadness and anger has been scary. I often wondered if I had somehow failed Christ and, as a result, had missed out on His healing powers in my life. Worse, I wondered if Christ had failed me. But I clung to Him nonetheless, and, as a result, have experienced His love in tangible ways I never would have known had I not walked through this storm. I look back now and see that walking with the Lord through depression has built for me a solid foundation on which to stand.

Joy: “Weeping may last for the night, but a shout of joy comes in the morning.” Psalm 30:5
I am amazingly aware of a deep sense of joy inside of me, and I am incredibly thankful for it (there are not enough adjectives out there to express this properly). Having felt a desperate lack of joy for so long, I have completely embraced this new joy and allowed mirth free reign in my life. When you see me laughing, know that the joy I am experiencing is deep because I have fought for it for nearly two years.

Sleep: “In peace I will both lie down an d sleep, for You alone make me to dwell in safety.” Psalm 4:8
I am thankful for every good night's sleep I get. I didn't realize before how precious sleep can be but after having gone without it (almost completely) for a year, I now know how valuable it is and I praise God for how easily I slip into sleep these days.

Impact on others: “Bear one another's burdens, and thus fulfill the law of Christ.” Galatians 6:2
One of the mistakes I made early on was to isolate myself because I didn't want others to have to “put up with” me. I've hated to admit that I was struggling, but I suppose that's pride. It is good for the Body of Christ to step up and love one another as we wrestle through the hard times. True, it is hard for people to watch their loved one struggle but it is an opportunity for people to grow in compassion, empathy, patience, and many other Godly qualities. I have had a few close friends walk with me through this depression, praying for me, crying with me, holding me, and watching out for me. I think each of these people would admit that it was a trial to walk alongside me during this dark time, but also that there was much they learned from it.

Then there are the girls I have come across who also struggle with depression. It has been an honor and a blessing to speak into their lives, to be able to connect on such a deep level, to share something that many other people just can't relate to, and to talk about our struggles with our faith in all of this. If this were the only reason God had me walk through depression, I'd be satisfied. Yet, in His omniscient goodness, that is not the only reason.

Patience and Perseverance: “And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope...” Romans 5:3-4
It takes time for the Lord to transform us, and it's rarely a pleasant process (I can hear the gold screaming as it faces the furnace). In this process, as the things I've already mentioned have been revealed to me, I see more clearly than ever before the value of patience and perseverance. I must learn to stand in the discomfort or the pain and know that this truly is good. If I can stand firm and face my trials with patience and perseverance, I will experience much healing that cannot happen when I try to escape (through addictions, numbness, certain behaviors, etc). Also, I will experience the love of God in tangible ways as He walks with me through the fire.

Reevaluate my life: “Be still and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in all the earth.” Psalm 46:10
Depression has caused me to dramatically slow down my life. While that has been very frustrating to me, the Lord has used it to make me reevaluate my motives and to realign my desires to His. Why was I trying so hard to do as much as I could? So I could prove myself. And what does God think about that? “All the ways of a man are clean in his own sight, but the Lord weighs the motives” (Proverbs 16:2). “...And all of our righteous deeds are like a filthy garment...” (Isaiah 64:6). Yikes! Scary! Once our executive director at YD Adventures told us that, if ministry is getting in the way of our relationship with God, He will take us out of it. I think that's exactly what God did, slowing me down so I could come back to a place of experiencing His love and serving Him out of love instead of a sense of obligation.

To be continued... right? “The Lord is not slow about His promise, as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, no wishing for any to perish but for all to come to repentance.” 2 Peter 3:9
I laughed the first time I read that verse. It's just one of those verses that reminds me that it's not all about me. God has this perfect, beautiful plan and, in truth, it's not us being patient with Him, but the opposite; He is so utterly patient with us. As I grow to reflect my Lord more and more clearly, one thing I desire is for people to see me in the trials and say, “That woman has no fear. She trusts her God to do good. I want to know Christ too.”

Delight in the Lord

2011-10-09T16:08:00.000-07:00

Before I became a lover of Christ, I thought of Christianity as a bunch of rules. And not just rules but contemptible rules. What's wrong with sex before marriage? Everyone's doing it; it's normal. What's wrong with getting drunk? You're only hurting yourself. What's wrong with cursing? It's just words. To me, Christians were a bunch of ridiculously narrow-minded hypocrites and their inane “laws” constraining.

Then I fell in love with Christ.

As a new believer, I realized that I am a sinner but I also realized it would be too easy to simply conform in order to look like a good Christian instead of allowing Christ to change my heart so I told God, “I will change nothing unless You ask it of me.”

Before I barge ahead and arrogantly claim to have done just that, I must admit that it is not as simple as I originally thought. In my naivete, I thought God would speak and Raychel would change. But sometimes God wants to change things Raychel doesn't want to admit are a problem and sometimes God wants to use people to address Raychel's problems and Raychel insolently balks at what they say.

Oh, Pride, you can only bring me death!

Well, Christ has asked for a lot of change from me. He has asked me to follow His laws closely, the first of which is, “You shall have no other gods before Me (Exodus 20:3).

I have given my life to loving God with everything I have; He has become my Treasure, my All in All. I am delighting myself in the Lord, and He is giving me the desires of my heart (Psalm 37:4).

Amazingly, what I desire seems to be changing. As Christ becomes my treasure, as I find my joy rooted more and more deeply in Him, a process occurs and I find myself being transformed by the renewing of my mind (Romans 12:2). No joke! If you look back at Romans 11:33-36 you'll notice the love language Paul is using toward God, then you'll notice that he subsequently launches into this idea that if we present our bodies as living and holy sacrifices – and, honestly, who doesn't sacrifice himself for his treasure? - then, in this worship, we will be transformed by the renewing of our minds so that we may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect (these verses, by the way, define worship).

If God is my treasure, and my mind is being renewed to know what His will is, it goes to follow that my desires will begin to align themselves to His will.

And now I no longer see His law as constraining (for the most part) but liberating. Why?

A friend once used an analogy that really helps illustrate what I think happens.

Imagine the Law is like a line drawn in the ground. If you cross the line, you've broken the rules. There are many people – such as myself, before I knew Christ – who don't see any reason to stay on one side of the line. There are many people who strive to stay on the right side of the line but have the perspective that it is restraining their freedom, so they try to get as close to it as they possibly can without crossing it.

Then there are people who see the line and know it was not put there to keep them from freedom, but to give them freedom. This line teaches them how to love God, themselves, and others with all their heart, mind, and strength (because that, in essence, is the Law, right?). Instead of dwelling on how to get as close to the line as they possibly can, these people turn around and see all the freedom God has put right there at their fingertips.

Instead of seeing “how far they can go without actually having sex” with their boyfriend or girlfriend, just because the Bible does not condone sex outside of marriage, they enjoy the relationship they can have with one another, maybe really digging into those conversations they're not too distracted to have or delighting in simply holding each others' hand, because they recognize that that's the best way they can love one another.

Instead of not getting drunk just because the Bible says not to, they realize that their bodies are a temple of God and so truly enjoy the presence of the Holy Spirit in their lives, and do what they can to cultivate their awareness of Him.

Instead of avoiding foul language just because the Bible says to, they hold their tongues because they are saving breath to find new words with which to praise the Lord, which not only glorifies Him but causes others to take notice that what comes out of their mouths is different from the way other people speak (I stand convicted; my mouth is not clean: I gossip, whine, and curse. But as I write this I am discovering a reason for watching my tongue that is grounded in my delight in the Lord. I hope to see change.).

Christianity is not about strident rules, but about a relationship with One who is perfect and can satisfy our every need and desire. It is about discovering that true life comes in and through and for Christ alone. It is about allowing Him to transform us so that our lives can reflect the one true God. It is about discovering the life-giving freedom to love Him, to love ourselves, and to love others.

The reality I live in is merely a shadow of what I've just written about, but I look forward to continuing in the process of being transformed by the renewing of my mind and discovering where His will and my desires are aligning. I hope and pray that you, also, will delight yourself in the Lord and see a radical difference in what you desire so that your life can point to Christ Jesus, our Lord.

Holy Trinity

2011-07-30T17:37:00.000-07:00

This past spring YD Adventures had the honor of working with the 8th grade graduating class of Holy Trinity for a multi-day challenge course. We stayed at luxurious Camp Eagle Fern and ate delicious food cooked by their staff. It’s not often we’re this spoiled!

As the trip coordinator, I was the one who outlined what challenge course elements and other activities we would be doing throughout the trip. I started working on my itinerary by praying, “Lord, what would You have me do?” I felt a sense of urgency toward sharing the gospel with these students as soon as possible so, on the very first night, I planned a gospel presentation. After more prayer, I scheduled one of my coworkers – Dave – to be the one to share the good news with these students.

Dave did an amazing job, sharing the gospel interactively so students would realize that they need to make a personal decision to follow Jesus. My favorite part was when Jerry jumped up and said, “Dave, I’ve decided that you’re going to be a vegetarian!” Dave responded, “Well, Jerry, you can’t make that decision for me. I’m going to have to make it for myself.” Jerry said, “Oh, you mean I can’t decide for you whether or not you’re a vegetarian or whether or not you’re saved?” “That’s right, it’s a decision I need to make on my own for myself.”

We challenged students emotionally, physically, and spiritually throughout this trip. On the last day, we led the kids on a hike. Becky asked them to take a rock and think about what is keeping them from following Jesus, attaching that significance to the rock. When we got the top, we shared what keeps us from Jesus, and threw our rocks over the edge, declaring ourselves freed of that burden.

Later, as we looked over response cards from students, we found that 21 out of 22 students made a decision for Christ: 14 first-time commitments and 7 rededications. Praise the Lord!! What a harvest!

A Sory Shared

2011-07-30T17:29:00.000-07:00

I have just gotten back from four days spent with students. I am slightly dazed but very happy; it was a good trip. “What makes a trip good,” you ask? A good trip is one in which the Lord takes the lead and students are invited and challenged to a lifelong journey in relationship with Christ and His church (it is our mission, after all).

We began with a day on the challenge course, moved on to rock climbing, enjoyed a day on the river, and capped it with a lovely hike. Interwoven into the trip were analogies, quiet times to read our Bibles, and shared testimonies.

The trip seemed to speed by. On the morning of the rock climbing day we had a glorious thunder and lightning storm (for those of you in OR, do you remember the storm on Monday morning? I’m not going to forget it!). We were on the east side of Mt Hood but caught a good bit of rain. No one complained; instead, everyone expressed awe and delight at the storm. By the time we left for the rock site, the storm was over and blue was filling the sky.

Every chance I got I spent talking to students, “Do you have any siblings?” “What are your top 5 favorite musicians?” For the incoming seniors, “Do you have any plans for after high school?” Questions like these reveal what students home lives are like, what they’re filling their minds with, and whether or not they’re thinking about their futures, as well as a host of other details. It also helps build rapport between us and the students.

That evening I was given the opportunity to share my testimony. I shared with students the brokenness that I’d come from and the life that knowing Jesus had brought me. I shared about my current struggle with depression, and the hope and joy I’m discovering in the midst of it.

After I shared, we sat around the camp fire. One of the girls – we’ll call her Sarah – approached me and asked if she could speak to me. I could tell she was agitated. “Sure,” I said, “Do you want to go for a walk?” She said yes, and we walked away. Almost immediately Sarah began crying, telling me that she felt she could relate to my testimony, then poured out to me the story of her life. I listened carefully as she spoke but in the back of my mind I was thinking, “Oh no! What do I say? God, please give me wisdom.” It was humbling to be singled out for a conversation of this magnitude.

Sarah was looking for someone to listen to her, to sympathize with her struggles, and agree that what she’s struggling with is hard. She did ask for advice on how to grow closer to God, and I was more than willing to share a few simple ideas: some books that might make the Bible more interesting and a CD of scripture set to music. I also encouraged her to make time to read her Bible. Before we rejoined the group, I asked Sarah if I could pray for her. We stood there under the darkening sky, arms around each others’ shoulders, and I prayed that the Lord would draw her close, comfort her, and continue molding her into a Godly woman.

It is amazing to me that, in recycling my pain, Sarah was able to relate to me and find the courage to talk about her struggles. It reminds me of the importance of sharing our burdens with others because, in doing so, we are giving them permission to share their burdens with us. Praise the Lord for our burdens and thus our opportunities to connect with others in their pain.

Armor

2011-05-29T16:28:00.000-07:00

This was a homework assignment for counseling. I just thought I'd share. :)

Armor

She jerked awake at the sound of her alarm clock and groaned. She’d already hit the snooze button twice; she’d better just get up this time. She stretched, and then rolled her feet onto the floor, wiping the sleep from her eyes. A new day. Ugh.

In the bathroom, Ray Ann took stock of herself as the water in the shower heated up. Two arms, two legs, the proper number of fingers and toes. Hair still reddish and curly, mussed from sleep. Eyes still brown. Yup, another typical day.

After the shower, Ray Ann headed back to her bedroom. As she opened the door, her eyes caught on the treasure chest placed in the corner of her room. She smiled whimsically to herself, knowing what was in there. She approached the chest reverently, settling down on her knees before it. She opened it and looked longingly at the contents: one belt, a breastplate, shoes, helmet, shield, and sword. She had received these items when she had pledged her life to the King, though not in order to defend His life; He needed no defense. It was part of her inheritance upon joining His family, and she was told to wear it and stand firm.

At first she had put it on every morning. It felt clumsy and awkward and made her feel a little silly. She couldn’t seem to learn to wear it skillfully. For awhile she just carried it around with her but it was heavy and seemed to do her no good so, finally, reluctantly, she’d stopped getting it out of the treasure chest every morning, stopped putting it on, stopped trying to learn how to wear it; she had failed.

Today, as she gazed upon it, she ran her hands over it gently, remembering.

One morning after she had stopped wearing the armor, her beloved King had come to her. She had fallen on her face in fear and wonder but He had drawn her up on His lap. “Ray Ann,” He said, “Do you know that I love you?”

“Yes, my Lord,” she’d responded.

“Do you believe it is the Truth?”

“Of course I do.”

“Do you believe that nothing can separate you from My love?”

“Yes, yes I do,” she had said, eagerly.

“Child, take this belt of Truth and remember always that I am for you.” So saying, He had buckled the belt around her waist.

“Ray Ann, did you exchange the filthy garments of your past transgressions for the bright breastplate of My righteousness?”

“I did, My Lord.”

“Do you understand that My righteousness was bought for you through the blood of My Son?”

“Yes, Lord, I do.”

“Put this breastplate on and remember that you are not wearing your past mistakes, but My righteousness.”

“Yes, Lord.” He had assisted her in buckling the breastplate in place.

“Ray Ann, do you know that, wherever you go, you take My peace with you?”

“I’m not sure I understand that, my Lord.”

“That’s ok, child. Slip on these shoes and know that, as you live your life, if you praise My name, many of the people I place in your path will come to understand that I sent My Son in order to reconcile them to Myself. Will you do that?”

“Yes, Lord, I promise.”

“Ray Ann, do you know what pleases Me more than anything?”

“What, Lord?”

“Faith. Take this shield and remember to lift it up when My enemy attacks you with his lies. Have faith that I have done everything in My power – My almighty, infinite power – to make you Mine and he can do nothing to change that.”

“Yes, Lord, I will do that.”

“Ray Ann, do you believe that My Son’s blood has saved you?”

“I believe it, Lord.”

“When you first came to Me, you were sealed by My Holy Spirit. This helmet represents that anointing; it is the Helmet of Salvation.” He had gently placed the helmet upon her head; she could feel it pressed firmly against her forehead.

“Thank You, my Lord,” she whispered.

“With the anointing of My Spirit comes the ability to learn how to use the Sword of the Spirit. This, child, is My word. Keep these words on your heart by meditating on them, memorizing them, and sharing them with other people. This is the way you practice sword fighting.” He had placed His sword in her hands and she held it reverently.

“I will do it, Lord. I will work hard to learn how to wield Your sword.”

“Lastly, child…” He paused.

“Yes, my Lord? Anything.”

“Call Me Father. You are My child. You may call upon Me for anything. And please ask; I want to give good gifts to My children. I am generous and full of lovingkindness. Remember these things always. I am never far, Beloved.”

As the memory faded, she continued, for a moment, to kneel before the treasure chest, stroking the armor and smiling to herself. Then she stood and reached resolutely into the chest, picked up the Belt of Truth, and buckled it around her waist. Next, the Breastplate of Righteousness was put in place. Then she slipped on the Shoes that prepared her to spread the gospel of peace. Next, she picked up the Shield of Faith and the Sword of the Spirit. And the Helmet of Salvation, well, that never came off; it was a part of her now, a seal that marked her as a Child of God. Thus crowned and garbed, Ray Ann boldly strode from her room.

Lonely: An Invitation

2011-01-24T15:18:00.000-08:00

I felt loneliness slip over me like a too-small frock; it made me feel tight, trapped, inhibited. I had done something stupid again. What a loser! What an idiot! Am I destined always to push others away? Am I such a jerk, such a coward? Will no one ever know me as the person I long to be?

I railed against my cage, screamed to be heard. This is not who I am! Listen! Please listen! Yet what does it matter who listens? Loneliness is not caused by a lack of listeners but by the inability to know myself, share that intimacy with others and, in turn, know them. I am misunderstood because I cannot understand; lost in a darkness created by my own blindness.

Yet the Bible clearly says, “Even the darkness is not dark to You, and the night is as bright as the day. Darkness and light are alike to You. (Psalm 139:12)” So at least there is One who can see into my darkness, One who knows me.

The other day I realized that if I have given all of me to my God, then He owns even my loneliness. Doesn’t that mean my loneliness is shared? At that point, it becomes a little less lonely. And lest I think I am entirely misunderstood, I need only stretch my mind as far as my Bible, and remember how alone Jesus was as He walked the path to Calvary with the blood-stained cross upon His shoulders. No one stuck by Him; no one knew Him; no one wanted to be known by Him. Even God abandoned Him. It was the loneliest moment in all of history.

I knelt down and I stretched out my hand. It did not touch flesh but, instead, found my guitar. With that I can play music; I can worship the One who walked the loneliest road, and triumphed over darkness so I can forever be united to my Father. Loneliness, after all, is a call to worship, an invitation to seek the Creator’s heart in order to know my own. I can offer up my loneliness, this too-small frock and, in exchange, receive a well-fitted garment with plenty of room to breathe, grow, and live.

As the new garment settles over me, the panic subsides. The darkness fades and the light reveals that the cage I rail against is not even locked; I can leave as I please. Now it is up to me. Will I embrace the freedom offered me as a child of God or will I waste my life in a cage? Will I hide myself behind the loneliness or will I allow Him to use it to show me myself, so I can be known and, in turn, know?

“Search me, O God, and know my heart; try me and know my anxious thoughts; and see if there be any hurtful way in me, and lead me in the everlasting way.” Psalm 139:23-24

The Holiness of God by R.C. Sproul

2010-09-17T12:59:00.000-07:00

I just finished “The Holiness of God” recently and I thought I’d write up a quick “report” about it, though I didn’t think of it until after I finished the book so I’m not equipped to do a lengthy, in-depth critique. I’ll just share the two things that stood out the most.

In the chapter “Holy, Holy, Holy” Sproul teaches out of Isaiah 6:

“Isaiah explained it this way: ‘My eyes have seen the King, the LORD Almighty.’ He saw the holiness of God. For the first time in his life Isaiah really understood who God was. At the same instant, for the first time Isaiah really understood who Isaiah was.” p 45-46

I LOVE this. It is only through knowing God that we come to an understanding of who we are. In Proverbs we read, “The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom, and the knowledge of the Holy One is understanding” (Proverbs 9:10). Or, as A.W. Tozer says: “What comes into our minds when we think about God is the most important thing about us” (Knowledge of the Holy, p 1).

Know God, know God, know God. When we have a true grasp of who God is, we are humbled and no longer feel as though we have any right to judge anyone else, for we understand that no one measures up to His holiness (Psalm 143:2, Romans 3:23), especially ourselves. At the same time, when we truly know God, we know that what He says about us is the ultimate truth about us, and we learn that we are His beloved Children (John 1:12, Romans 8:16, 1 John 3:1), His created image on earth (Genesis 1:26, 2:7), and that we are fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14).

The other thing that stood out to me in this book is from the very last chapter, “God in the Hands of Angry Sinners”:

“[Semi-Pelagianism] entertains delusions about man’s ability to incline himself to God, to make ‘decisions’ to be born again. It declares that fallen man who is at enmity with God can be persuaded to be reconciled even before his sinful heart is changed. It has people who are not born again seeing a kingdom Christ declared could not be seen and entering a kingdom that cannot be entered without rebirth. Evangelicals today have unconverted sinners who are dead in trespasses and sin bringing themselves to life by choosing to be born again. Christ made it clear that dead people cannot choose anything, that flesh profits nothing and that a person must be born of the Spirit before he can even see the kingdom of God, let alone enter it. The failure of modern evangelicalism is the failure to understand the holiness of God. If that one point were grasped, there would be no more talk of mortal enemies of Christ coming to Jesus by their own power” p 232.

I have no idea what to make of this. As far as I know, my whole job relies on our preaching the Gospel and giving students the chance to make decisions for Christ. If Sproul is right, are these “decisions” a load of BS?

I looked up “Pelagianism” on one of my favorite websites, http://bible.org , and found an article by Bob Deffinbaugh on “The Helplessness of Humanity”. In it he says:

“Because it is God Who saves men, we may proclaim the gospel boldly knowing that those whom He has chosen will be saved. And when we pray, we need not pray that men will have the intellectual ability to believe, or that their wills may be open to divine instruction, but that God will give them life, effectually call them, and draw them to Himself. If it is ultimately God Who saves men, then we can plead with Him for the souls of men, knowing His desire to save (cf. 1 Timothy 2:4), knowing He delights to answer our prayers (1 John 5:14-15), and knowing He is able to save any whom He chooses (cf. Acts 9:1-22)… In evangelism, as in every area of Christian living, we are never commanded to be successful, but only to be submissive to His will and obedient to His word (Isaiah 6:8-10).”

So perhaps the idea isn’t that sharing the gospel and giving people an opportunity to respond is useless but that we should share the gospel and then trust God to do the work He promises to do and is already doing. This certainly seems to line up with what Paul says in Ephesians 2:8: “For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God…” Even our faith in the risen Savior is a gift from God’s own hand.

I’m still unable to fully articulate what I think about this, probably because I’m not fully sure what I believe about it. I welcome your thoughts and sharing of scripture, fellow gift-receivers of God.

The Dream: Interpretation

2010-08-07T15:11:00.000-07:00

When I gave my life to Christ all my sins were forgiven and I became alive in Christ. That was on the spiritual level. On the physical/emotional level, I have never fully addressed my sins and how they have effected how I think, feel, and live. I admit that I am hindered from the freedom, authority, and power I should have in Christ and find myself bogged down by guilt, fear, and depression. It is my sin that has entangled me and keeps me from running the race set before me with endurance (Heb 12:1). That is the image of the wound on the horse’s hindquarters that was bandaged but grew and festered around the bandage. It is time now to take off the old bandage and re-examine the wound so it can be bandaged and heal properly.

Satan does not want me to have victory over my past. God is warning me that Satan is going to do what he can to distract me and wear me down. My only chance of resisting Satan is by facing – actually embracing wholeheartedly – something I anticipate will be enormously painful. That is the image of the bull charging me and me diving through the barbed wire fence.

I have spent a lot of time meditating and praying (and observing my life) and believe that what God is asking me to embrace wholeheartedly is the body of Christ. I cannot stand alone; one who stands alone is an easy target. However, I do not trust people. We have all been hurt numerous times by people in our lives and I have reacted to the pain caused by others by building walls between me and everyone else. I do most of my struggling alone and open up to very few people. I have also begun to realize that it’s not just other people I don’t trust; I have a tendency to sabotage my relationships through anger, selfishness, and being overly dramatic. I am convinced that, when people begin to know the true me, they will reject me. Instead of giving people the opportunity to love me through this crap, I reject myself and deny myself their companionship and love, knowing that I don’t deserve it and will only hurt them if I try to be their friend.

The body of Christ is the image of Christ on earth. True, we don’t always do a terrific job of reflecting Christ and I’m not saying that I will never be hurt again. People hurt people, but Christ will always be there offering forgiveness and love and healing, and asking us to do the same in His name.

These are not just pretty words; I have begun “diving through the barbed wire” by confessing my sins to fellow sisters in Christ whom I know and love. I am looking into finding a Christian counselor. I am looking at joining some support groups that help people deal with addictions, sin, and the wounds caused by others people’s addictions and sins.

For a long time now the image of a beautiful horse running with freedom, power, and grace has captivated my imagination. I would like to claim that as a vision of who I will become as these wounds are tended and healed.

Canyonview RAP

2010-07-24T14:49:00.001-07:00

A couple weeks ago I was worried that I wasn’t going to be on very many trips. Now I’m wondering if I’ll have the energy for all the trips I’m scheduled for. Yay! That makes me happy.

Last week I was the trip coordinator for a River Adventure Program (RAP) for the first time ever. Canyonview, a horse camp down in Silverton, runs an adventure camp every summer and they hire us to do all the fun stuff. This summer was our first RAP together and, since I had led their trips for the past few years, I requested to lead this one as well. I was excited both to be on a RAP (they’re one of our best trips) and to be the trip coordinator for it.

Five students and 3 Canyonview staff joined us for this trip. We had one returning student and I remember her being remarkably strong in the Lord for a person her age. The other 4 were a conglomeration of believers, non-believers, mature, and not-so-mature. Of the 3 Canyonview staff, 2 had been on trips with us before; they have become familiar, comfortable people to work with and I know that their staff and our staff share the common goal of wanting to see kids come to know and grow in the Lord.

I think I set the bar too high for myself on this trip. Not only was I going to do a fantastic job as the trip leader but I was going to have one-on-ones with all the students and we were going to have amazingly spiritual conversations. Instead, at the end of the trip I felt as though I had been very disconnected from the group as a whole and my being on the trip was basically a waste of everyone’s time.

I’ve had ample time to process the trip and discuss it with a few of my co-workers. I now realize that I did a very good job on this trip. I proved myself flexible to our schedule, decisive, willing to listen to advice, sensitive to the needs of the group, and able to engage spiritually when it was important. Still, I made some mistakes that I get learn from: precautions to take in order to avoid logistical mishaps, being firm with students without letting their attitudes get to me, and not taking my guide stick out of the water just before Shark’s Hole when my crew is not balanced.

Ah, yes. Shark’s Hole. I had one strong paddler and three not-so-strong paddlers. I knew Shark’s Hole would have a special punch to it so I prepared for the hole by taking my guide stick out of the water and ducking into the boat (I am not a coward; this hole will literally launch me toward the front of the boat causing much pain on impact). The boat almost magically swung to the left and, when we hit the hole, the boat stopped and my entire right side kept going. We spent the next 10 minutes or so fishing people out of the river and checking to be sure everyone was ok.

The highlight of this trip for me was the Flagpole Hike. We started hiking from our campsite and climbed (hiked upwards) to the top of the canyon. It’s a steep, long hike and challenging for most people. When everyone reached the top you could feel the relief. DONE! And so high up! You get a beautiful view of the Deschutes River canyon as well as various mountains (Sisters, Jefferson, Three Finger Jack, to name a few). While we were up there I took some time to share part of my testimony with the group. We had been reading Colossians and earlier that day had discussed Col 2:8. I shared with these students how sold out I once was on what the world believes to be “only normal” such as sex before marriage, evolution, getting drunk, etc. I told them to look around and compare the view at the top of the canyon with the view they had while standing by the river. God’s view, I told them, is even greater than what we were experiencing up at the flagpole; He is the Creator of all we could see and more. He knows everything going on in our lives and even our hearts. He knows what is right for us and has shared that with us in His Word.

Well, I hope that’s how what I shared came across because that’s certainly what I intended to say. More than anything I hope that what I shared brought glory to God.

I am now preparing for two trips almost back-to-back. I will be coordinating Mosaic’s first trip with YD Adventures this coming week and the following week I will be coordinating the Sunrise Baptist Rope Rock Raft. There’s a possibility I may be on (but not coordinating) the Warner backpacking trip and I will be finishing off my summer with a stacked RAP (yes! They gave me another RAP to coordinate!!).

Please pray for the YD Adventures staff and that their energy is kept up as we press into the busiest part of our summer. Also that they stay connected with our Lord; ministry is difficult enough as is; to do it without preparing by spending time in the word and in prayer is nearly impossible (but young people don’t always realize that). Please pray that we work together in unity as the body of Christ, that we exemplify the love of Christ, and that students’ hearts are open and receptive to the gospel. Please pray for me that when I make mistakes I learn from them instead of fret over them, and pray that the Lord’s Spirit rejuvenates me and prepares me for each trip.

Thank you! I look forward to sharing with you what the Lord has done.

The Dream

2010-07-05T11:49:00.000-07:00

Back in March I had a dream. I have reason to believe that this dream is significant, full of meaning, and from God. Here it is.

The Dream: I was standing in a field administering first aid to a horse with an old wound in its hindquarters. I felt guilty because I should have taken care of it a long time ago and now the wound had grown and festered around the bandage. I had no idea what to do; all I could think about was how much this was going to hurt.

I was standing in the same field but the horse was gone. I sensed the presence of a bull and knew I had to avoid it. Suddenly is was charging me. I was scared and had to keep dodging him as he continuously came after me. In my attempts to avoid being gored by the bull I found myself within reach of a barbed wire fence and realized that my only chance was to jump through the fence. I flung myself through the barbed wire fence, expecting to be injured, but I came though unscathed.

Next I was talking to guy I've met twice for the first time. He invited me to go somewhere with him and his friend and suddenly we walked into a church-like building and found seats. The seats we sat at were just three seats isolated from all the other rows. His friend wandered off but a friend of mine appeared, excited that I had finally come. The people on the stage called 12 people down from the seating area and asked them each to read a chapter and come back to share it with the group. I woke up during the long silence before they came up to speak.

Praise and Prayer Update

2010-05-28T12:31:00.000-07:00

Hello friends! It seems as though there are certain things that the Christian lifestyle revolves around but that we (I) don’t give the highest priority to. One of those things is prayer. Our staffing coordinator has committed to make praying for our staff a priority this year. Our director always mentions the importance of prayer in our ministry (since it is God at work and we need to rely on that). Also, Chris Adsit, author of this summer’s devotional, “Personal Disciple Making” is a huge advocate for relying first on prayer (“Prayer is the foundation of our discipling strategy because Jesus is the One who causes the growth.”) I think I’m getting it; prayer is our first and most important step of obedience, because it’s God who does the real work. After – and only after – we pray can we truly be available for the work He has for us. Thus, I wanted to take some time to share what’s going on at YD Adventures and how you can be praying for us.

Our new summer staff have finished their first week of raft training as well as low ropes challenge course training. They are doing well! Last night they left for rock climbing training (I will be joining them tonight). They have to learn how to tie certain knots and how to facilitate a climbing as well as a rappel station. Our second year summer staff will be learning how to send students on rappel and preparing their rappel talks (Rappelling presents a very, very teachable moment. If you’ve ever backed off a cliff, you know exactly what I mean).

Next week on Tuesday summer staff and trainers will be leaving for Point Runs/Raft 2, which is part of our raft training on the Deschutes River. They will be staying out there until Sunday night, making this one of the most difficult parts of training since no one sleeps well and each of them will be working hard every day that week. Please pray for endurance and perseverance for our summer staff and trainers.

Please pray that each of the summer staff continue to be molded and formed into humble, Spirit-filled vessels that the Lord will use this summer to bring teens to Him. I just want to say that we have an awesome crew working for the Lord at YD Adventures this summer. Thank You, Jesus!

In the month of June we have some very special trips coming up. NW Passages is a group of adults who go through a special 3-year discipleship program and who come to enjoy a day on the challenge course with us at the end of their first year. It’s odd facilitating people who are older than most of us but it’s an honor to kick off our season with people who are so dedicated to following the Lord. We will likely use this trip to help train our first year summer staff, giving them an opportunity to see how we run a challenge course.

Also in June is a trip with students from an alternative school. Please be praying that these students’ hearts will be tender and ready to hear and receive the gospel. Please pray for one-on-one opportunities for staff to share with these students and that staff would recognize, boldly snatch, and be intentional with these opportunities.

We have a camp in WA joining us for a rafting/IK (inflatable kayak) trip. Pray that we can come alongside the camp’s staff to live out and present the gospel to these teens. We are taking another camp’s staff rock climbing; please pray that this day aids in preparing them for a summer of ministry. Last, we have a multiday trip with a local church; please pray that the Creator of the heavens and earth reveals Himself tangibly on this trip and that their need for Jesus and His unconditional love for them is made clear.

My own personal prayer/praise requests are:

I have injured my arm. Looks like I strained the muscles responsible for pulling and twisting my wrist. If this doesn’t heal quickly and completely I will not be guiding this summer, which would be a bummer. However, I believe in the sovereignty of our Lord and that, if He keeps me off the river this summer, it is to serve His purposes. Still, please pray that it does heal quickly so I can guide.

I have had no trouble sleeping for some weeks now – praise the Lord! Please pray that this continues.

This year I am acting as the female summer staff coordinator. I am responsible for connecting with and discipling these ladies throughout the summer. What an honor! Please pray that I put these ladies’ comforts and needs before my own. Please pray that I learn how to serve in this capacity. Please pray that I approach this in humility as I have just as much to learn from them as they have from me.

A New Name

2010-02-22T12:26:00.000-08:00

I walked into the dimly-lit auditorium. I could smell the fragrance of scented candles; the stage was lined with a foot-thick border of variously shaped votives. A lamp sat in each back corner of the stage, on the right providing light for two colorful canvases and on the left lighting up the keys of an upright piano where sat a young, thin man. Next to him sat three more young men, one with a guitar, one with a drum, and one sitting with only a microphone. Brightly colored drapes – purple and yellow – were attached to each side of the stage and swooped down to splash color across the floor before the stage. There were three projectors; the main projector portrayed the image of a stained glass window across the back of the stage; the other two projectors were focused on the walls to left and right and contained short bits of scripture.

I found a seat near the front, as I had been instructed to do. I was alone and so felt a little awkward but after being single for over 5 years I’ve learned to brave the awkwardness. I would miss out on many experiences in life if I was unwilling to brave the awkwardness.

Bono from U2 suddenly appeared on the main projector, explaining and then playing his song, “I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For”. Then the projector turned dark and we heard the sound of a storm, thunder cracking and popping, and birds calling out to one another. Suddenly we were being bombarded by the angry, overwhelming sounds of the city: sirens, traffic, many people talking at once. Then a great bell tolling, evoking a sense of reverence. Silence.

Sarah Baldwin, “university pastor and dean of spiritual life at George Fox”, as my itinerary from the Kaleo youth conference stated, stood up and invited everyone who had decided to attend the “Creative Worship” break-out session to experience Shalom, worship at George Fox University.

I enjoyed worshiping with these people, though I was merely one of the masses to them. The young artist worked on her canvas, and I noticed that she was barefoot, and I felt thrilled by her freedom. The young man with only a microphone stood up and tap danced as we sang. Our final song was an a cappella rendition of “This Little Light of Mine.” I have never experienced that song sung so heart fully before. The tap dancer then read for us Matthew 3:16-17.

Finally, Sarah stepped back up on the stage. She spoke to us for a bit and asked, “What is the inner name you go by? Is it ‘Anxious’? ‘Afraid’? ‘Overwhelmed’? Take some time to think about that then I invite you to come down and write that name on the projector. And then, if you wish, we will give you a new name. The name God has given you.”

My mind skimmed through the past few days. Wednesday was the beginning of Lent. I want to take Lent seriously this year, fully immerse myself in this period of time before we celebrate the resurrection of our Lord. I had already heard that Lent was not about showing the world how pious we Christians are or proving how self-disciplined we are. On Thursday evening at Bible study, Cora challenged us to think about what it is we’re holding onto the keeps us from fully receiving the love of Christ.

I entered into my time with the Lord on Friday morning with a sense of expectancy but also hesitancy and unpreparedness. I came before Him naked: I had no agenda, no perfect Bible verses picked out, no spiritual book with all the answers to run to. I had only Him and me.

And He spoke to my heart. He brought up many conversations I’ve had recently with people who love me and know me. He showed me that they all answer the same thing but I have clothed myself with an identity that has become too small and tattered but that I refuse to take off. This old identity I am wearing is pinching and rubbing in all the wrong places, causing me discomfort and pain, causing lack of sleep at night and a sense of being constantly overwhelmed and unhappy. My friends are simply trying to help me take off the old and put on the new, but the old has become such a habit for me I’m having a hard time believing there is a new.

Then I heard Jesus say, “Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you, and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart; and you shall find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy, and My burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30

Friday morning the Lord showed me that I carry a burden that is not my own but that I’ve claimed as my own. It’s the burden of guilt: guilt for everything I say or don’t say, do or don’t do, guilt that I get tired and need to rest, guilt that I have to create boundaries between myself and others, guilt that I feel overwhelmed by all the expectations and appointments and obligations, guilt that I cannot love the way I think a Christian is supposed to love.

“What is the inner name you go by?”

“Guilty,” I wrote on the projector.

As I walked away, Sarah handed me a nametag:

“Hello my name is Beloved.”

I clutched my new name, walked back to my seat, and began to sob. I just stood there with tears coursing down my face. For me, this nametag is an affirmation of what God has been trying to tell me for a long time.

“It was for freedom that Christ set us free; therefore keep standing firm and do not be subject again to a yoke of slavery.” Galatians 5:1

“If therefore the Son shall make you free, you shall be free indeed.” John 8:36

“For you have not received a spirit of slavery leading to fear [or guilt] again, but you have received a spirit of adoption as sons by which we cry out, ‘Abba! Father!’ The Spirit Himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God…” Romans 8:15-16

For Lent this year I am giving up this old identity; I am giving up being “Guilty”. That doesn’t mean I won’t apologize or feel bad when I’m wrong; it means I will try my best not to hold onto it. In other words, I am going to recognize that this is Jesus’ burden and He’s already got it; it rests squarely on His more-than-capable shoulders. That’s why it’s so light for those who come to Him.

“There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has set you free from the law of sin and of death. For what the Law could not do, weak as it was through the flesh, God did: sending His own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and as an offering for sin, He condemned sin in the flesh, in order that the requirement of the Law might be fulfilled in us, who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit.” Romans 8:1-4

“For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish, but have eternal life.” John 3:16

“See how great a love the Father has bestowed upon us, that we should be called children of God; and such we are.” 1 John 3:1a

I am not Guilty. I am Beloved.

The Difference Between Then and Now

2009-11-20T14:48:00.000-08:00

I’m not sure how to share this; I’m not sure I’ve got the words yet, but I have a strong desire to share what I’m going through. Maybe people will understand; maybe they won’t. I don’t really think that matters; people like me who take the time to write things don’t do so in order that other people will understand, but so that the we, the writers, can better understand. That’s why my journal is one of the most important things about me.

When someone tells you they are struggling with depression, what do you think? Do you see someone laying in a darkened room, unwilling to get up, and thinking dark thoughts of death? Someone who can’t smile and possibly never stops crying?

My first thought when I woke up this morning was, “Now I’m going to have to get out of bed,” but it wasn’t too difficult to do so. Then I found myself in the bathroom thinking, “Maybe I made it all up. I’m doing fine.” And I worried that I was a liar.

The thing about depression is that it tricks you. It can come and go so that one moment you’re laughing and the next you feel hurt and abandoned and you want to find some dark place to crawl into and cry. Then you feel fine again and you think, “Well, I don’t know what that was. I shouldn’t tell anyone, though, because I’m fine now.”

Over five years ago I struggled with depression. It got pretty bad. I’m not sure how I hid it so well but I was recently reconnected with my Starbucks manager from that time and I asked him if I could explain everything that had been going on and he replied that he hadn’t noticed anything was wrong. I had apparently and effectively hidden my depression from everyone around me (except maybe my mom; I think she knew something was up).

I didn’t feel as though I had anyone to turn to; I was alone in the world. Every evening I came home and consumed a bottle of wine because without it I couldn’t fall asleep. I would wake up in the middle of the night sobbing for no reason except that’s how I felt inside. In the morning I would wake up and get out of bed like a robot, going to work and plastering that super fake Starbucks girl smile on my face. I spent the whole day hating everyone around me for everything they said to me and wishing - just wishing - I had someone to talk to. But I was convinced there was no one. I fantasized about death, imagining how much easier it would be if I just ended it all; but I knew that was too selfish and I could never pull it off.

It was during that time that I gave my life to Christ. I have never regretted my decision. Christ has given me life that I never want to go without again. When I imagine life without Him, I can only imagine a bleak and hopeless world that I don’t ever want to go back to.

So what now? I recognize the symptoms, though it’s not nearly as bad as it was five years ago. How does Christ make a difference in all this today? That’s what I’m really wondering. He’s with me; He’s giving me life. So how is this time different from last time?

Yesterday I cried for four hours. What set it off was an irrational feeling of abandonment from everyone. I had this hopeless feeling inside me and I knew I had to cut off all my friendships and stop trying to reach out to people before they could hurt me anymore. At the same time there was a small voice inside me (the Holy Spirit?) that said, “No! That’s all wrong! You are loved! Now is the time to reach out to the body of Christ. Do not lock them out.” I resisted this voice for as long as I could (it’s easier to believe there is no one than to muster the courage to ask for help). Finally, I sent out emails requesting prayer and I called my mom and told her what was going on. We talked for a long time and I just cried.

I was home alone nearly all day. I think that was God’s doing, putting me in a position where I would reach out for help for the first time in my life. I texted Jami and Shelli to see when they’d be home. Jami decided to call me back instead of text me (I think God did that on purpose as well) and could tell right away that I was not ok. She insisted that she could come home and within 45 minutes she was there, just sitting beside me. I knew I was loved. I received emails, and phone calls, and hugs from the people I live with, and all these things reminded me that I am loved.

And so, one big difference between then and now is that I have people to turn to - wonderful, tangible people.

Another difference - the biggest difference - is that I have hope. I know Christ - I know my God and my Creator - and that brings me much joy and hope. I know that everything has a purpose and this season of tears is meant to test and purify my faith (1 Peter 1:3-9). What an awesome thing! I am never alone because of this God; I always have Someone to turn to. I have the Holy Spirit as a seal of God’s establishing me in Christ (2 Cor 1:21-22), which means the Truth is always being whispered into my heart. Indeed, the Truth lives and reigns inside me!

Really I think that’s the only difference between then and now. It was Christ who placed in me the desire to seek fellowship, to seek a church and belong to a ministry.

Please don’t think I’ve got this “figured out”. Right now I feel fine so it’s easy to talk and write about hope and joy and all that; it’s easy to sound as though everything’s going to be all right. It won’t always be this easy. There will be moments of pure darkness when I can’t understand the light and I want to inflict the same pain I think others are trying to inflict on me, times when the Holy Spirit is a mere whisper and Satan is raging and blocking everything else out. But still the Holy Spirit will be whispering and the battle has already been won and I will learn to step out of the darkness and abide in the Light. And through this process, I pray that Jesus Christ is glorified, because that’s all that really matters.

Well, I hope this is suitably dramatic for you. I’m a little embarrassed to post it but I’m going to do it anyway. Please be praying for me!

Sovereignty and Sheep

2009-11-17T15:01:00.000-08:00

On Sunday I visited Household of Faith Community Church to see my young friend, Kaleb, get baptized. While I was there I took the time to seek out a woman for whom I used to baby sit many years ago. When I called Lauri Tauscher’s name, she looked at me blankly for a moment, then recognition registered on her face and she joyfully wrapped her arms around me in one of the longest hugs of my life. She then took me to see her two older kids, the two I used to watch, and we stood and talked for awhile.

I’m not sure Lauri knows much about the past ten years of my life but I don’t think she really cares, either. At one point I mentioned “messing up my life” and she quickly turned to face me, looked me in the eye, and said, “You did not mess up your life. God is sovereign and He has always been in control.”

I have turned that over in my mind many times since she said that. I wonder that I could say, “God is almighty, God is omnipresent, God is in control,” and not understand that He was those things in my life even before I knew Him. It really is a change in perspective for me. I guess I figured that, since I had chosen to live without Him, He had chosen not to control my life. But a God who is sovereign can do naught but control my life.

This morning I read in Genesis, “…the God Who has been my shepherd all my life to this day…” 48:15. I think I would normally have thought, “How nice for Jacob,” but this time, with Lauri’s words still ringing in my head, I realized this is true for me as well; the Lord has been my shepherd all my life.

My friend Tiffany once shared a story of shepherds and their flocks. If a shepherd has a wayward sheep who constantly breaks away from the flock, the shepherd will break the sheep’s leg so it cannot walk on its own, then carry the sheep around on his shoulders until the leg is healed. By the time the sheep can walk on its own again, it has come to know its shepherd intimately and no longer attempts to stray.

This may seem, to some, a very inhumane way to deal with an animal, but I’m sure shepherds tried many ways to cure their flocks of this habit until they found one that worked. I doubt that any shepherd liked to break his sheep’s leg but knew that, in order to form that bond of trust that would keep the sheep alive, it had to be done.

In the Bible, God’s people are frequently referred to as sheep:

“For He is our God, and we are the people of His pasture, and the sheep of His hand.” Psalm 95:7

“For thus says the Lord God, ‘Behold, I Myself will search for My sheep and seek them out. As a shepherd cares for his herd in the day when he is among his scattered sheep, so I will care for My sheep and will deliver them from all the places to which they were scattered on a cloudy and gloomy day.’ ” Isaiah 34:11-12

“And you are My sheep, human sheep of My pasture, and I am your God, declares the Lord GOD.” Ezekiel 34:31

I have always been God’s sheep, and He has always been my Shepherd. He did not want to be the Shepherd from Whom I continually bolted from and so He allowed my legs to be broken so I could not walk without Him. Then, in the moment of my need, He gathered me up in His arms and laid me across His shoulders. What a beautiful picture of God’s faithfulness!

When Lauri reminded me that God was sovereign even when I didn’t know Him, I remembered one of the final verses of Genesis, “ ‘And as for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good in order to bring about this present result…’ ” 50:20. Years ago I shook my fist at God and turned my back on Him, living my life as opposite from how the Bible instructs as possible. On the surface it would seem that each step took me further and further from God, but in reality He was orchestrating everything until I was in a position to recognize Him as my Good Shepherd.

There’s a lot in my past that I have yet to forgive myself for. If I understand that God has always been sovereign in my life and recognize that the goal of life is not to live a stainless life but only to know and follow Jesus Christ, then I know I can forgive myself for what I have done and see these things not as “messing up my life” but “the steps that led me to Life.”

“ ‘My sheep hear My voice, and I know them, and they follow Me; and I give eternal life to them, and they shall never perish; and no one shall snatch them out of My hand. My Father, who has given them to Me, is greater than all; and no one is able to snatch them out of the Father’s hand. I and the Father are one.’ ” John 10:27-30

Lonely

2009-11-07T10:27:00.000-08:00

I woke up this morning and realized that I am really lonely. It is at times like this that my singleness seems to become a suffocating burden. I laid in bed and talked to God, telling Him that I am just too lonely. I told Him that I feel as though He will withhold marriage until I have mastered this overbearing feeling of loneliness. He knows, however, that I cannot master this. What is the point of being so lonely?

“Why are you in despair, O my soul? And why have you become disturbed within me?” Psalm 42:5a

I’m around people all the time. Really I’m quite social but superficial society is not something that appeases my loneliness. If someone asks how I am I’m quite willing to be vulnerable but it’s usually at that moment that someone else walks in and the conversation is side-tracked. There’s no opportunity for depth in these situations.

The people I spend time with expect vulnerability from me but I can’t just sit down and pour my heart out just like that. I need a chance to warm up. I need some encouragement. I don’t actually think my struggles are important to other people so I have to get used to the thought that they actually do care before I can open up.

The part that baffles me the most is that, when I finally realize that I need company, everyone disappears. This never fails to happen. Friends will always tell you, “I’ll be there whenever you need me,” but it’s never really true; I can’t actually expect anyone to be there for me. I try calling and emailing but everyone’s busy.

Really I’m too picky. There are few people I’m willing to take this loneliness to. With most people I fear being a burden. With others I’m afraid of being misunderstood.

God, I’m lonely. For someone who seeks solitude, this is really confusing. How do I get out?

“Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him for the help of His presence.” Psalm 42:5b

I reach out to God but He’s not a magician who just fixes my problems. I reach out to Him and still I feel lonely. Then I feel like I must be doing something wrong. This is challenging to my faith. Where is God?

“I will say to God my rock, ‘Why have You forgotten me? Why do I go mourning because of the oppression of the enemy?’ ” Psalm 42:9

What struggle is this? Is it Satan whispering “lonely” into my ear, trying to make me believe I am alone? Is it Satan who is trying to keep me in the dark? Trying to keep alone so I cannot be supported by the body of Christ? I can hide in this darkness and continue in despair and be led toward sin or I can seek the light and see God be glorified (John 3:19-21).

“O send out Your light and Your truth, let them lead me; let them bring me to Your holy hill, and to Your dwelling places. Then I will go to the alter of God, to my exceeding joy; and upon the lyre I will praise You, O God, my God.” Psalm 42:3-4

Praise and Prayer

2009-10-29T13:39:00.000-07:00

I want to start my prayer page by praising God. October 30th marks my 5th Christian birthday. I have the memory of that dreary autumn day firmly lodged in my head, and I also have a journal entry to mark that day forever as the day I found Life. I had been struggling with depression for many months and had finally reached the end of my rope. Just a few weeks previously I had told a friend that I didn’t know how much longer I could take it. She had replied, “Jesus can help you with that.”

I had grown up in a Christian family but had never really taken God seriously. Being a Christian was just the cool thing to do until I grew up and realized how much it restricted me (or at least that’s how I saw it then). I told God that if He wanted me, He’d have to come down and speak right to my face. God didn’t answer my request the way I demanded Him to and so I rebelled, turned my back on Him, and, in time, came to mock Christians and even the idea of there being a God.

I hadn’t liked my friend’s answer but it took root and grew until this day a few weeks later, when I sat on my bed and recorded my first prayer: “God, I don’t want to fake it this time. If I’m going to do this, I really want to know You. Let’s do this for real this time.”

God wouldn’t answer the prayer of my youth because it was made in pride and arrogance. I know now that He had to wait for me to be completely broken so I could understand how much I need Him. When I finally prayed out of this understanding, God showed up and changed my life. The tears of despair became tears of joy. I could smile again and my laughter lost its malicious edge. I began to hope and look forward to the days ahead. I saw His fingerprints everywhere I looked and began to experience the God I had put my faith in, leading me to deeper and deeper faith.

There’s a new (as of this summer) song playing on Christian radio that reminds me of that first year after I came to know the Lord. When I hear it, the memories flood my mind and I feel joy fit to burst and sometimes find myself crying. I want to share that song with you. Here’s a link to a slideshow on you tube: Born Again by Third Day

I ask that you praise the Lord with me as I celebrate 5 years as His child. Also, please pray that I continue to learn what it means to be His child, the love lavished on me, the faithful promises He has made. I hope someday to have so much confidence in who He says I am that I can finally throw all fears to the wind and simply serve Him.

Please pray also for my financial support; I need to raise about $300 in monthly commitments to be at full support. If you feel led to join my financial team or to increase the amount you are already giving, you can click on this link: support page

Finally, praise God that I am on staff with YD Adventures year-round now and pray that I learn how to do my job well and that I have wisdom in what responsibilities to take on here in the office.

Thank you for your prayers and your support! I appreciate that God has placed each of you in my life. It’s an incredible journey and I’m glad the Lord has not asked me to walk it alone.

Prayer Request

2009-08-04T13:50:00.000-07:00

Hey friends!

I am on a trip starting Fri morning until Sun afternoon. The group is local to the Canby area. Please be praying for the group and the YD staff. Here are my specific prayer requests:

1. That students are challenged to live their faith/take their faith deeper.
2. Discernment for staff to see where God has been working in these students' lives.
3. Ability for staff to join God in this work.
4. That the Lord continues the good work He began during (and probably long before) the missions trip these kids were on earlier this summer.
5. That the Lord would reveal Himself in awesome and wonderful ways.

Thank you! I appreciate your willingness to pray!

Adventure

2009-07-21T21:25:00.000-07:00

My solo day today was spent on Angel’s Rest in the Gorge. The hike up was awesome but not as satisfying as I’d hoped. I wanted to talk to God the whole way up - like one would a friend one is hiking with - but kept fantasizing about things instead. I have a problem with my imagination; it’s always running away with me.

One thing was established on the way up. During 4th of July weekend, I believe God gave me a hint of something my future may hold. However, it’s a long way off, if it ever happens at all. I can’t disclose what, exactly, He has told me but I can tell you that it scares me. Not in a “that’s a horrible thing I hope it never happens!” way but in a “Is that even possible?” way. But with the knowledge that He may call me to something I see as impossible, I know that all things are possible through Christ who strengthens me.

On our way up to Angel’s Rest I told Him, “I will go.” To which He responded, “Be still.”

The God of heaven and earth is the most exasperating individual in all of eternity! It seems to me as though that is the most frequent answer to all my prayers. Sometimes I want to ask, “What is this ‘Be still’ crap?”

Thankfully “Be still” is not the same thing as “Do nothing.” For now I will “Be still” while continuing to do ministry through YD Adventures, finding a part time job to pay off my debt, and serving the Lord in other small but meaningful ways. I can only do the things He has set before me to do and wait until He tells me to take the next step.

I’ll tell you one thing; my life has not ceased being an adventure since I gave it to Christ. It’s not always easy or fun but it’s frequently challenging and always worth living. Jesus did, after all, tell us that He came so we could have life to the full (John 10:10).

But that takes believing in and following Jesus. God created us for Himself and so we can never have life to the full as long as we are living it for ourselves. “Be still,” He tells us, “and know that I am God.” What does it mean to know He is God? It means to understand that He is Lord and Creator, that He holds all power and all our rights, that He is the author of our faith and the inventor of grace, that He is love, and then to respond by bending our knees and bowing our heads in surrender and proclaiming, “He is God!”

I write this and at the same time realize that I have to go through this process daily. I am only human and it is a struggle to give up my selfishness and let Christ rule in my heart. But I would rather have God’s adventure for my life than my own selfish ways any day.

Light

2009-07-10T10:39:00.000-07:00

“If God allows the sun to shine upon you moment by moment, without intermission, will not God let His life shine upon you every moment? And why have you not experienced it? Because you have not trusted God for it, and you do not surrender yourself absolutely to God in that trust.” *Murray, 8

“In Him was life, and the life was the light of men. And the light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not comprehend it.” John 1:4-5

What the light reveals in us is death (“… for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God…” Romans 3:23; “For the wages of sin is death…” Romans 6:23a). We do not trust God so we close all the blinds of our soul, hoping to shut out the light (“And this is the judgment, that the light is come into the world, and men loved the darkness rather than the light; for their deeds were evil” John 3:19). What we don’t realize is that we are hiding nothing from the light; it sees all (“Even the darkness is not dark to You, and the night is as bright as the day. Darkness and light are alike to You.” Psalm 139:12). We are merely blinding ourselves from the light and what it reveals, effectively keeping us from discovering the life this light provides.

“…but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 6:23b

“There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has set you free from the law of sin and of death.” Romans 8:1-2

“…I came that they might have life, and might have it abundantly.” John 10:10b

* “Absolute Surrender” by Andrew Murray

Ebenezer

2009-06-15T21:51:00.000-07:00

I had the luxury of going up to the Long Beach Peninsula in WA this past spring. My parents own some lovely bay front property in Oysterville and I occasionally snag the opportunity to go up there alone and pray. I especially try to do this before the YD summer kicks off. I love solo retreats but I remember the last one I took; I had high expectations which weren’t met and I was extremely disappointed. I made up my mind then that I would never go into my retreats with my own agenda again. Instead, I would go in prayerfully and ready to accept what God had for me.

I mentioned this at our Southgate women’s Bible study and it was suggested to me that I go into this solo retreat with only the expectation of letting the Lord enjoy me. I liked this idea and prayed for days, “Lord, what can I do to make sure You can enjoy me?” The only direction I got from the Lord was, “Know that I am good.” Thus, I left Friday morning with only the ideas “God is good” and “let Him enjoy me” on my heart.

(Hahaha, as I type this, the song “God is Good” by Enter the Worship Circle just started playing on my computer. Awesome!)

God is good! He is far too good for my mind or imagination to comprehend.

After I got settled into the trailer and had walked out to say hello to the Willapa Bay I settled down with my Bible and a couple devotional books, including “The Calvary Road” by Roy Hession. Our director at YD Adventures had been encouraging us to read the interview in the back of this book and so I opened it up and began to read. I didn’t get very far before something that I still think is incredible happened. Here’s my journal entry from that moment:

From “The Calvary Road” p 112:

“And I remember one of them said, ‘Roy, you need to repent.’ I said, ‘Where do I need to repent?’ In all honesty I didn’t know - I was working so hard, I was praying so much, I was preaching so strong, doing so much.”

I read this and no further before I felt the urge to get down on my face and repent for trying so hard. It felt ridiculous and over dramatic but who really cares? No one’s here! So I wept and repented for trying and admitted that I don’t know how not to. I asked, “When can I start living as a child of God? Why am I waiting until I’m perfect?” Then I admitted to feeling bad that I have to take, take, take but suddenly realized that You are infinite so You can give, give, give and that’s what You want; that’s what You’re asking for.

So, Lord, teach me to stop trying and start taking. Screw perfectionism. I’m just going to take because You’re offering and I’m going to keep taking until I’m overflowing and then I’m going to GIVE what You’ve GIVEN me and I’m going to revel in the joy of TAKING and not TRYING!

I then left for the beach and watched the sun set, giddy with joy and feeling as though a huge weight had been taken from my shoulders. The rest of the weekend God confirmed that message to me through the Bible and books I was reading.

One conversation Jesus and I had on the beach was about His blood. Roy Hession writes a lot about being cleansed by the blood of Jesus. Deep down inside I always had the impression that, although Jesus gave His blood freely, it was my responsibility to wash myself. I was so confused as to how to actually “apply the blood” that I rarely felt as though my sins had been cleansed by His blood. As the sun was disappearing behind our slowly revolving earth, Jesus told me that I am not responsible for scrubbing myself clean. I need only surrender myself to Him, ask to be cleansed by His blood; He’ll do all the washing. No more trying.

I’d been reading through Romans for many weeks by the time I went to WA for my retreat. Here’s another piece to my journal:

Haha! I feel like I just found the proper meaning of this verse:

“He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him up for us all, how will He not also with Him freely give us all things?” Romans 8:32

You don’t want us to try and do it on our own. You want us to take. You are freely giving us all things.

Give, give, give, that’s what the God I know does. Lord, I pray to receive your gifts freely. Open my hands and teach me to take from You. Disallow me to try any longer. If I belong to You - which I do - then I shall receive every good thing from You.

“Every good thing bestowed and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation, or shifting shadow.” James 1:17

The Bible is riddled with God offering us free gifts. I think I always just looked at this and thought, “That’s nice of Him,” without actually receiving any of these gifts. Here He is: infinite, omnipotent, sovereign, and I’m rejecting His gifts (postulating: ) “because I might need them later.”

I need them now!

“For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life through Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 6:23

The same day I opened up “Prayer” by Richard Foster and read:

“Instead of striving to make this or that happen, we learn trust in a heavenly Father who loves to give. This does not promote inactivity, but it does promote dependent activity. No longer do we take things into our own hands. Rather, we place all things into divine hands and then act out of inner promptings.” p 96

Later I read psalm 145. This verse stuck out:

“Thou dost open Thy hand, and dost satisfy the desire of every living thing.” vs. 16

To this I responded:

I imagine shy, flighty birds finding One whose peace and goodness is such that they are willing to sit in and eat from His hand. And I think that’s true and Your hand is always open and we are always invited to eat from it. What I desire is to stay and never leave.

Then from Romans I read:

“But as for Israel He says, ‘All the day long I have stretched out my hands to a disobedient and obstinate people.” Romans 10:21

I always thought of God’s hand stretching palm side down, as though to take our hand. After reading Psalm 145 I see in my mind God stretching out cupped hands saying, “It’s free! Take it!” He’s holding out a free gift, urging us to take it.

Still later I read:

“For the scripture says, ‘Whoever believes in Him will not be disappointed.’ For there is no distinction between Jew and Greek; for the same Lord is Lord of all, abounding in riches for all who call upon Him; for ‘Whoever will call upon the name of the Lord will be saved.’” Romans 10:11-13

Then:

“It is so often self who tries to live the Christian life (the mere fact that we use the word ‘try’ indicates that it is self who has the responsibility)” The Calvary Road p 22

“… the only life that pleases God and that can be victorious is His life - never our own life, no matter how hard we try.” The Calvary Road p 25

The message is very clear. No more trying. Let be continually broken before You, continually washed in the blood. Lord, this is what I want to take with me from this weekend; no more trying; not “I” but Christ in me and through me.

I think I need to keep in mind that this is still a process. I have much to learn and many old habits You need to break. Ah, brokenness!

Since that weekend I have experientially learned that this is indeed a process. I have forgotten to ask for God’s infinite gifts; I have tried really hard; I have been prideful; I have failed. I have even been enormously frustrated with myself for not remembering to do it right. But each time I “fail” I take one step closer to better understanding that what God offers is free, infinite, and available whenever I ask for it. Each time I “fail” I take one step closer to remembering that I need only ask and He will give.

I have explained as much of this through scripture as I can because 1. That’s how God explained it to me and 2. As God says in Isaiah 55:10-11, “For the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and do not return there without watering the earth, and making it bear and sprout, and furnishing seed to the sower and bread to the eater; so shall My word be which goes forth from My mouth; it shall not return to Me empty, without accomplishing what I desire, and without succeeding in the matter for which I sent it.”

Our Bodies

2009-04-19T12:31:00.000-07:00

“My legs are too short”… “I’m so fat”… “My calves are too big”… “I have thunder thighs” … “There’s this roll of fat around my midsection I can’t get rid of”.

And so we go, if not externally then internally. Right, ladies?

I’ve been having a thought lately. The point was made to me recently through the book of James that, to God, all sin is equal whereas mankind rates sin. Rape is worse than adultery; murder is worse than verbally attacking someone; driving drunk is worse than driving over the speed limit, etc. But Christians learn to understand that, if all sin is equal in the eyes of God then committing adultery is just as bad as rape which is just as bad as verbally attacking someone which is just as bad as… Sin is sin and all sin must be repented of.

I think we do a similar thing with out bodies. Someone, somewhere, somehow, has created a standard. If you don’t fit into this standard, you’re not gorgeous. We are always comparing our bodies to other people‘s - women being worse, I think, then men (men maybe do this more with other things?) and I, personally, being one of the worst I know - listing all our “shortcomings” and beating ourselves up for not living up to this “standard”.

What if we understood that the true judge of beauty is God? What standard, then, must we live up to? He created our bodies; has God ever done anything less then perfectly? I would say not!

I am tired of trying to live my life to shallow standards created by mankind. Free me, Lord, to see my body as one of Your perfect creations. And, Lord, set my thinking straight; the purpose of my body is as one tool to serve You and see You glorified. It is nothing more than that. My body is not what brings me life, joy, or freedom; only You do can do that.

The correlation between the two is only that mankind creates these standards and then we live by them, believing them to be true, while God is calling us to live by His standards, which are Truth. I want to live by God’s standards and not man’s.

Oh, one more thing: God may do things perfectly but we forever fall short of perfection. Thus, He may have created a perfect body to house your spirit; still, if you are glutinous or lazy or just don't have time to take care of yourself, you may get fat. Or, if you're starving yourself to fit into man's standard, your body is equally unhealthy to any fat person's. I encourage you to take care of your body! It's the temple of God's Holy Spirit!

Controlled By Love?

2009-03-05T10:33:00.000-08:00

My decision to do lectio with 2 Cor 5:14-15 this morning was made because verse 15 says, “…they who live should no longer live for themselves…” because I very much so want to learn, in my heart, that life does not revolve around me.

And so I read:

“For the love of Christ controls us, having concluded this, that one died for all, therefore all died; and He died for all, that they who live should no longer live for themselves, but for Him who died and rose again on their behalf.”

That very first line, “For the love of Christ controls us…” struck me hard. I am controlled by my lusts and passions, by my hates. I am a slave to sin! If only I was controlled by the love of Christ!

Although I don’t think I fully grasp the next part, “…that one died for all, therefore all died…” it did strike me as I read it and the part after, “… and He died for all..” that God died. That should be the most momentous occasion in all of history! Good thing it was “only” God in the flesh that died; if His Spirit were destroyed (which is impossible), we would all be snuffed out, “…for in Him we live and move and exist…” Acts 17:28. Without God, we cannot exist.

How do I accept the sacrifice of God dying on my behalf (I am not controlled by His love but by sin thus I deserve death but His death gave me life if I choose to accept His sacrifice, which I have.)? I suppose, simply (“simple” in theory), that I would die to myself and live for Him, thus living controlled by His love.

It actually kind of shocks me, thinking about it now, how I have accepted His death on my behalf and yet do not live controlled by His love. What a slap in God’s face!

Today

2009-02-28T14:06:00.001-08:00

"Oh Lord, You have searched me and known me." Psalm 139:1

Today I invited God to see the rotten core inside me...

...and He told me He loves me.

From My Journal

2009-02-27T09:41:00.000-08:00

“Oh Lord, You have searched me and known.” Psalm 139:1

During yesterday’s lectio divina I heard God speak through this verse about the intimacy He and I have with one another. Through this verse today He spoke to me of the Holy Spirit; I was reaching inside myself to hear Him and I thought, “Why would I do that? Where is God?” I remembered the Holy Spirit and then Romans 8:26-27 came to mind.

Lord, I am kneeling here wondering how I could give You my life then snatch it back; how could I give You my life then build walls so You can’t have it? When I try to do this lectio, when I try to be quiet before You, I sense those walls. And even though I built them, I am powerless to knock them down. I can do nothing; You must do it.

So I give You my walls.

My BMI

2009-02-23T19:45:00.000-08:00

A week ago Monday I showed up at the gym to get my Body Mass Index (BMI) officially measured. It was costing me $10 but the results would finally put my mind at ease and so was worth it. You see, over a year ago I signed up with a website called http://www.calledsparkpeople.com/ to track my calories consumed while eating and burned while exercising to see if I could lose the weight that I felt was plaguing me. Spark people suggested that people of my height should weigh anywhere from 100-130 lbs. At the time I weighed 155 lbs and felt that 135 was a plausible goal.

And so I began the hard work of tracking every morsel of food that went in my mouth and every step I took in cardio exercise. I added lifting weights to my exercise repertoire and measured my hips, waste, and neck so I could track the inches I lost (because muscle weighs more than fat so weight is not always a good indication of how your health is increasing). I began to add more fruits, vegetables, and whole grains to my diet and controlled my portions a lot better (like eating 2 cookies instead of 16).

I swear the first 10 lbs melted off like butter; it was exciting and fun and I felt skinny and sexy. The next 5 were a little bit more difficult (cuz I moved from a house with no junk food to a house with girls who can bake some darn good cookies). The last 5 were pretty much impossible and then summer started and I didn’t want to bother with trying to lose weight, doing outdoor adventure stuff, and working with teenagers all at once so the weight loss was put on hold.

As summer came to a close I found that I had only gained 2 lbs. I was excited to get back to work and lose the last 7 lbs to finally reach my goal weight.

But weeks, and then months went by and that last 7 lbs has proven to be very stubborn. I tried hard to cut back on what I was eating but every time I did I found I was hungry. Really, 7 lbs is not worth being hungry and cranky for and anyway I don’t really think going hungry in order to lose a few pounds is all that smart.

My friends have been telling me I look great and have gone so far as to say that if I lost any more weight I would be too skinny (to which I still must respond, “Yeah, right.”). My feelings have been mixed: am I not trying hard enough to get these last lbs off or is 135 lbs an unreasonable goal for me? I finally decided to get my BMI measured and answer the question that way.

When I say I got my BMI measured I am saying that a professional did a test to figure out how much of my body was made up of fat. About 5 years ago I had the skin fold test done and my trainer told me I was 30% fat (which is considered obese). At Club Fit they use the Bioelectric Impedance method, which is not nearly as painful as it sounds. It’s a picky test so I couldn’t eat or drink beforehand but still had to be hydrated, had to be well-rested, couldn’t work out before hand and had to take off all my jewelry. Claire, the nice trainer girl who was helping me, put some sort of magnetic strip things on my hands and feet and then sent an electric current through my body. The machine measured how long it took for the current to get from one end to the other and then spit out a number. We took that number back to the computer, entered it along with my height, gender, and weight, and out popped my body fat percentage.

As we did all this, Claire was telling me about the program and explaining that my results would be saved in the computer so I could be tested again in the future and compare the results with the ones from today to see how much fat I’d… “Oh, you’re 20.9% fat. That’s really good. Healthy body fat for women ranges from 18% to 25%.” She seemed surprised by the results. I was surprised by the results!

I was so surprised by the results, I walked back to the locker room and cried. I was sure I would measure between 26 and 29%. And to think I was feeling like such a failure for not getting that last 7 lbs off!

It’s been a week now and I’m still processing these results. I’ve heard many people throughout my life say that those weight charts weren’t accurate for everyone but I thought they were just trying to find excuses. I just looked up one of those weight charts and it told me I should weigh between 99 and 121 lbs. Could you imagine me at 99 lbs?! I guess my bone structure really is that different, and I’m not just trying to find excuses for my size!

But everyday I have the nagging worry that Claire did something wrong or I was dehydrated or my stomach wasn’t empty enough or something else happened to mess with the results and that I really am still over weight.

My whole life I have lived in hopes that I was not the girl who didn’t fit into the weight charts. I wanted to lose weight and be slim and pretty. Now I don’t care; now I just wish no one had created a mold that we all had to force ourselves into. I’m healthy! What more can I ask for? Yet it’s going to take a long time to actually believe it. I’m so used to seeing myself as the chubby girl.

Letter to a Friend

2009-02-23T12:43:00.000-08:00

About support, I am feeling frustrated and impatient. I am closer to my goal by not by any effort of my own. I know this sounds ungrateful but I really wish some of MY efforts were paying off. I am told to keep calling, keep emailing, keep harassing people about meetings and money and pledges and meanwhile God is doing His own thing… over there. He recently asked me to “be still and wait” but how do I balance that with this whole support raising thing (rhetorical question: I don’t expect an answer)? How much being still and waiting do I do and how much support raising do I do?

About the other stuff… maybe I should warn you now that I love to write and I’m definitely a talker. Sorry?

I received another coupon from eHarmony the other day and am strongly tempted to sign up. I have been praying about it but don’t feel as though any specific answer is forthcoming. I do feel that God asking me to “be still and wait” was to incorporate my entire life, not just support raising. I want to feel a peace about eHarmony before I sign up but the temptation is getting too strong and I will probably cave before I get any solid direction from God.

I realized this morning that I feel ashamed to be struggling with this marriage thing again/still. I’m ashamed to want marriage when it’s not even on the horizon, as if I should have figured out by now that it’s not for me and I am a fool to think otherwise. Somehow it’s been lodged in my head that there must be something wrong with me because no man wants me; I’m not sexy enough, smart enough, mysterious enough, feminine enough, strong enough, etc. In my head I know that I really just don’t understand that God loves me. I spent some time this morning looking up scripture about His love but it all seemed so impersonal, as though none of it was written for me, about me, to me.

I read a few chapters in “Passion and Purity” as well this morning and one thing Elliot wrote caught my eye, “My heart was saying, ‘Lord take away this longing or give me that for which I long.’ The Lord was answering, ‘I must teach you to long for something better.’” And then she quoted from Deut 8:3, “And He humbled you and let you be hungry, and fed you with manna which you did not know, nor did your father know, that He might make you understand that man does not live by bread alone, but man lives by everything that proceeds out of the mouth of the Lord.”

James 1:2 came to mind at one point this morning, “Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials.” I know my trials are not life-or-death but they are making me ask questions, “What is it I am seeking? What is it I want? What do I need?” These questions will help me strip down to the very core of my desires so I can see how much I need God and how satisfying - and true! - is His everlasting love for me.

So I am choosing to exult in these trials. I’ll still cry and struggle and feel anger and frustration but I know He’s working something deep down inside of me; I know that He is creating in me a pure hunger for the Bread of Life.

And now it sounds like I think I’m all cool and all that. It’s not true! I still have so much to struggle through. But I think just writing this letter has been a great way of processing all my thoughts and feelings. Thank you for reading. : )

Be Still and Wait... Some More

2009-02-16T13:16:00.000-08:00

I hate that I am so limited in my understanding that often, when God is doing something in my life, I totally take it the wrong way. He’s certainly teaching me wisdom but, man, I’m used to catching on a lot faster than this! And it’s not that I’m stupid but more likely that the lessons He’s teaching me are hard ones that will need to be learned over and over throughout my life and to greater depths at each learning.

Lately God has been revealing to me sin after sin after sin. At each revelation I develop an elaborate plan to tackle this newly revealed sin and eradicate it from my life. The next day He reveals something new and I’m like, “Really? Ok, how do we deal with this one?” And then the next day it’s still something else and I start to feel overwhelmed because I’m trying to remember to pray on my knees, love everyone, never get snappy, feed the poor, clothe the naked, surrender my desire to be married, pray more, fast from everything I like (coffee, wine, chocolate, ice cream, eating out, bathing… j/k) and, seriously, who wouldn’t be overwhelmed? Meanwhile I’m supposed to be working on my support but - hello! - who has time? I have to fix all my sins! I have to get rid of all these other distractions.

And, really, that’s all they are - distractions. I can conceive a million plans to “fix all my sins” but is that what God’s really asking of me? Is that really why He’s showing me these things? Am I really being faithful if I’m constantly being distracted from what’s been set before me?

Fund raising to join the team at YD Adventures is what’s been set before me. If all these other things are just distractions, why is God showing them to me?

I don’t know. But I have learned a few things lately.

When I lost my job at Bella Café I looked at what I had left to raise to reach my goal and thought, “Pshaw, that’s nothing. If I put my nose to the grindstone, I’ll be done by February.” So I did just that. And have as yet to raise a single penny from my own efforts. “Get to work,” I tell myself. “Be faithful,” I remind myself. But I haven’t had a single appointment in over a month!

I am closer to my goal but it’s trickling in and everything that’s come in thus far has had nothing to do with me and everything to do with God alone. Do you know how frustrating this is?? I’m not trying to be a jerk, I just wish some of MY efforts were paying off. I feel like all I’m doing is wasting my time!

The final straw came Thurs night at Bible study. All evening I’d been hearing God say, “Be still and wait…” and was contemplating whether or not “be still” and “wait” are ever found in the same verse when a friend asked me how I was doing on support ministry. I began to vent and worked myself up until I said, “I want to call up our support coach and tell her ‘IT’S NOT WORKING!!!!’” The capitals indicate that I was screaming. I heard other people in the room say, “Whoa!” and a few friends came out of the kitchen to check and make sure everything was ok. “Crap,” I thought to myself, “that was immature. Way to go, Raychel.” My friend began to talk while I brooded in self-pity but then I suddenly realized my friend had just said…

“… What did you just say?” I asked.

“Put me down for 100 a month. The Lord’s really put you on my heart and I think I need to be supporting you.” I just sat there, completely dazed.

“Is this what I get for throwing a temper tantrum?” I silently asked God. But I knew that was wrong. I was not being rewarded for screaming. This was probably the most humbling “support raising meeting” in all of history. God was being faithful in the midst of my doubting. He is steadfast and good and I am a sick little human whose efforts are futile. Everything comes from God.

I went home, got on e-Sword and did a search for “be still and wait”. I had it on the ESV version and found myself staring at Psalm 37:7, “Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him…” Then verse 8 goes on to say, “Refrain from anger and forsake wrath! Fret not yourself; it tends only to evil.”

Here is a choice set before me. I can choose to “be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him” or I can be all stressed out and take things into my own hands. The first choice is what God is asking of me. It’s difficult because I like tangible tasks producing tangible results and that’s not what support raising is yielding right now, but it’s what God is asking. The second choice is plain disobedience, which is the essence of sin. It will not yield the results I’m looking for and will probably cause me to harden my heart toward God.

I’m not stupid so I know which one I’ll choose.

My pastor spoke last week of “baby steps” toward the person we want to be or the things we want to get better at. What “baby steps” are required in being still and waiting? I think Psalm 37 provides that answer when it says, “Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness. Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust Him, and He will act.” vs3-5

What better direction do I need?

I still don’t know why He keeps showing me all the areas in which I sin but I do know that developing elaborate plans to “fix all my sins” is just me taking things into my own hands, no matter how Godly the façade I try to hide it under. Just be still before the Lord, Raychel, and wait patiently for Him. Trust Him. Commit your way to Him. Set your eyes on Him and allow Him to be the center.

That’s it. I seriously don’t know anything else, only what He’s asked me to do. Funny, it’s the same lesson He was teaching me a year ago… Be still and wait…

What do You want?

2009-02-12T23:00:00.001-08:00

I have no idea. That's it. I just don't.

I know nothing.

Recipe: Berry Tapioca

2009-02-12T14:37:00.000-08:00

I'm trying something new; I just discovered that facebook imports blogs. Yeah! So I'm writing this and hoping it'll show up on facebook.

Berry Tapioca

2 cups water (split)
16 oz of berries or other fruit (I just used a bag of mixed frozen berries)
1/4 cup tapioca pearls
1/2 cup sugar (I just tried a mix of maple syrup and sugar: 1/4 cup syrup, 1/8 cup sugar)
1 tbsp vanilla

Soak 1/4 cup tapioca pearls in 1/4 cup water for about 10 minutes
Boil the remaining water (1 and 3/4 cups) in a medium-sized pot
Add berries to boiling water and bring to a boil again
Add soaked tapioca pearls
Add sugar and vanilla

Allow to simmer, stirring somewhat frequently, until tapioca pearls are clear. Add more sugar if you don't think it's sweet enough.
It's good hot or cold, on brownies or ice cream, all by itself, or with granola.

The Storm Brewing

2009-01-18T12:13:00.000-08:00

So, I’ve been laid off from my job (as of a week ago Sat), and apparently perfect timing, too. This week has been incredibly busy; nearly every minute has been scheduled. It’s all been fun stuff so I don’t mind. But there’s another reason I feel as though losing my job has been one of the best things to happen to me in a long time.

Ever since beginning my job at Bella Café I have had to squeeze my devotional time in wherever I could get it. Often that meant 15-30 minutes with my Bible and journal open but, if I forgot myself and took too long, I’d be late for something important. Thus I spent my God-times spastically watching the time. A couple weeks ago I began to realize that my time spent with God was no longer satisfying. It was just empty time spent reading my Bible - much like reading your history or chemistry text for school - and chronicling my life in my journal (“today I hope so-and-so comes in to get coffee cuz he’s cute”. (Ugh, gag me!))

I missed God. I missed the connection I used to have with him during my devotions which left me feeling challenged and excited throughout the day. I missed the camaraderie between us and the thrilling insights He used to share with me. Seriously, even the convicting insights were great cuz at least it was Him and I tackling something together so I could grow closer to Him. I haven’t had that in months and I could feel the spirit inside me growing numb and distant.

When I sensed this “lack of God-ness” in my life I began searching for the reasons why. I didn’t have much time to pursue my answers but a few thoughts were floating hazily around in my mind. I decided I needed to make sure my devotions were spent in my bedroom so I was not distracted by customers (cute boys). I decided I needed to focus more on what God was saying and less on what time it was. I decided I needed to be more disciplined while meditating on scripture (I had lost any skills I had at meditation. I would try to meditate and find myself, instead, dwelling on whether or not I wanted a latte that day or which earrings I was going to wear or - OMG! Is that a split end?. (Seriously, gag me!)) Last, I realized that, although I was surrounded by people, I was sharing my life with no one. I have begun (again?) to discover how valuable community is and being able to share my faith. I have been involved in youth group and a bible study but, although we talk about Jesus, we never discuss what Jesus is doing in our lives.
I tell you these things only so you know that this storm has been brewing for awhile. I sensed it. I would sit on my bed Sunday mornings (the only day time was not an issue) and ask God, “What is going on? Are you supposed to be this silent right now? Have I done something wrong? Is that a split end?” The parts of me that weren’t focused on my hair seemed to be saying, “You’re seeking; that’s good. He won’t be silent forever. Wait for the Lord, Raychel, just wait. He won’t always be silent.”

So here’s the order of events God set in motion: The staff at YD Adventures received a Christmas gift from our resident pastor, a book called “The Calvary Road”; I began recognizing that my spiritual life was becoming dry; YD staff began discussing getting together for lunches once a week again; Bella announced they were selling and employees were getting laid off; YD announced we were reading “The Calvary Road” and discussing the book Weds over lunch. All this in the span of a month.

I love to read and I really love studying a book with friends. Still, instead of being excited about “The Calvary Road” I began to resent the fact that we had to do homework in order to hang out with our coworkers. I felt like I didn’t have time to add another book into my schedule and who are they to tell me I have to, anyway?? The feelings I had were similar to the last Bible study I was at when a friend suggested we pray for each other and my reaction was, “I do not want to pray out loud. Why am I always being coerced into this situation? Who has time for this crap, anyway? Is that a split end??”

I knew then that there was something seriously wrong with my attitude and I sensed that, circumstantially, “The Calvary Road” was coming into my life with perfect timing. Still, by the time Wednesday morning showed up, I reluctantly dragged the book open to chapter 1. My first goal was to criticize Ron Hession’s theology harshly, my second to find nothing of personal value within the book’s pages. I was angry and resentful and resistant.

“It is always self who gets irritable and envious and resentful and critical and worried,” Ron Hession told me. This was not starting well at all.

I was sitting on my bed in my room and began to sense that my neck felt very stiff and unyielding. “Then it is we can stiffen our necks and refuse to repent, or we can bow the head and say, ‘Yes, Lord,’” I read.

What the heck? I thought. So I read that part again:

“Being broken is both God’s work and ours. He brings His pressure to bear, but we have to make the choice. If we are really open to conviction as we seek fellowship with God (and willingness for the light is the prime condition of fellowship with God), God will show us the expressions of this proud, hard self that cause Him pain. Then it is we can stiffen our necks and refuse to repent, or we can bow the head and say, ‘Yes, Lord.’ Brokenness in daily experience is simply the response of humility to the conviction of God.”

Have you ever sat and watched a really good storm brew? I remember a trip this past summer, we’d just gotten off the river and were entertaining the group while the shuttle was run. Suddenly we realized the sun had been snuffed out and the temperature had dropped 10 degrees. We looked up to find that the clouds that had hovered on the horizon all day had finally caught up to us. Lightening flashed in the distance and there was a sudden sense of urgency. Some students couldn’t wait for the vehicles to show up because they were getting cold. Some embraced the coming of the storm and hoped the lightening would keep flashing, closer and closer. YD staff wanted to get back to camp and dry gear before the full fury of the storm hit, so we could get back to our families and beds at a decent hour.

I sat on my bed and read the first two chapters of “The Calvary Road” and felt the clouds catching up, the sun snuffed, and the temperature dropping. I sensed the coming of the storm. The resentment was still there, the anger, frustration, dissatisfaction, but also a sense that relief was at hand. Something was happening. Something inside me was finally catching up to something outside of me.

To be continued…

Psalm 33: Hope in the Lord

2008-12-03T08:24:00.000-08:00

I don't know why I am driven to share these things but, here it is, today's “devotional”. I read Psalm 33 this morning and the thoughts wouldn't stop. I'm hoping these thoughts were words of God, whispered into my mind through scripture, not just me on a high horse.

“Behold, the eye of the Lord is on those who fear Him, on those who hope for His lovingkindness, to deliver their soul from death, and to keep them alive in famine.” Psalm 33:18-19

The word “famine” brought to mind the current economy. Our country is going through a hard time: the unemployment rate is climbing, the sense of fear and despair is growing, probably thoughts of suicide are intensifying. So many people's hope has been in this “leading nation”, their investments, other gods. Those hopes are proving to be futile vanity.

Do we fear God or do we fear the loss of material wealth?

“Our soul waits for the Lord; He is our help and our shield. For our heart rejoices in Him, because we trust in His holy name.” vs 20-21

It struck me that David wrote “our soul” as though his soul was shared with others, “our heart” as though sharing the same heart. It's as if the hope they shared unified them, brought them together as one unit.

Like the Body of Christ.

And that is the way the Body of Christ is supposed to function (Romans 12:3-5, 1 Cor 12:12-13); we have one purpose, one goal. We share that purpose and it binds us together. Or should.

“Let Thy lovingkindness, O Lord, be upon us, according as we have hoped in Thee.” vs 22

I better hope big, then. I better put all my hope in the Lord.

Proverbs 17:4

2008-11-17T15:04:00.000-08:00

“An evildoer listens to wicked lips, a liar pays attention to a destructive tongue.” Proverbs 17:4

One thing I am constantly reminded of as I go through Proverbs every month is how human I am. Every day I read something about the wicked doing this or a fool is that way, and half the time I am reminded of myself. Yikes!

One example is:

“A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” Proverbs 15:1

I am very bad at controlling my temper. I often say things I regret. I know this, yet the next time I get angry I will once again say something in such a way that will piss someone off or hurt their feelings. Why? Where is my self-control in these situations?

“The one who guards his mouth preserves his life; the one who opens wide his lips comes to ruin.” Proverbs 13:3

Yeah, I have a big mouth. I’ve gotten myself in trouble many times for my big mouth.

“The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise man is one who listens to counsel.” Proverbs 12:15

How many times have a rejected what friends or others have said to me, without even really listening, because I so strongly felt that I was right? More often then I can count!

The first Proverb typed above is today’s reminder of my humanness. As I read it every month, it has called attention to one of the ways I react when I speak with friends. If a friend is sharing her woes with me, complaining about a coworker or another friend, I tend to talk big. “You shouldn’t put up with that type of treatment,” I say. Or, “I’d give that person a piece of my mind.”

The opposite is also true. If I am sharing my woes with a friend, she will usually also talk big. (The same “You shouldn’t put up with that; I’d give that person a piece of my mind” etc). And I listen to it!

Really? Am I Christian or do I subscribe to the juvenile idealism of “fairness“?

All we’re really doing is sewing strife into one another’s hearts (Proverbs 15:18). If this is true, how are we really supposed to react? What sort of counsel should we actually be striving to give and receive?

I guess that takes us to what Jesus said.

“But I say to you, love your enemies, and pray for those who persecute you in order that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven…” Matthew 5:44-45a.

Or what Paul, inspired by God, said:

“I, therefore, the prisoner of the Lord, entreat you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling with which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, showing forbearance to one another in love, being diligent to preserve the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.” Eph 4:1-3

Or what possibly another disciple (also inspired by God) said:

“…and let us consider how to stimulate one another to love and good deeds…” Hebrews 10:24.

While Proverbs is pointing out my humanness, it is also giving me hope. Just yesterday I read, “He who gives attention to the word shall find good, and blessed is he who trusts in the Lord.” Proverbs 16:20.

I fully believe that the Holy Spirit is working in me to convict me of my sins and inconsistencies so I can continue to grow in my relationship with the Lord. That’s a good thing. That makes me happy.

musings of the sick-in-bed

2008-11-06T13:43:00.000-08:00

I am in my element here, ensconced on my bed with my computer propped before me on the box it came in; I call that my desk. A steaming cup of jasmine tea sits to my left in a cute, autumn-leaved mug, and the view out my window shows beautiful, yellowed maples.
I have been sick in bed and reading all morning. Joy! In high school I used to wish I would get sick so I could spend the whole day at home, in bed, reading. These days I do not wish for sickness because I do not get to stay home when I’m sick; instead, I trudge wearily off to work. I am in the food business so that should be a scary thought.
“Would you like whip cream on your mocha?” cough, cough!
The book I have found most interesting thus far today has been In His Steps by Charles M. Sheldon. My bet is you’ve never even heard of it, let alone read it. It reminds me of The Irresistible Revolution by Shane Claiborne although unlike Revolution, it is a novel.
It’s about part of the congregation of a church in a city called Raymond who pledge to do nothing for a year without first asking, “What would Jesus do?” This is not part of the fad that flashed through our society about 15 years ago, and I do not think this book is the reason that fad started. It is simply meant as an unpretentious awareness of who our Savior is and how He would behave were he, say, a business man, a rich young heiress, the editor of a prominent newspaper, etc. Each person is to act in accordance to what they believe Jesus would do in their personal situations without holding anyone else up to their personal standards so as to keep people from becoming judgmental. The pastor may be the only exception as it is his job to teach and exhort the way he believes Jesus would, meaning he must point out hypocrisy and preach against the local saloon.
I just looked up the word “saloon” to make sure I was not getting the meaning of that word wrong. This book was written in the late 1800s and some of the culture from then compares very differently from the present time. I think that a saloon of that time is where men congregated to drink and gamble.
I’m not very fond of gambling, though I admit I have gambled. As for drinking… I am frequently found with a glass of wine or a pint of beer in-hand. I never get drunk, but I do drink. I don’t see that as a sin so every time I read these parts of the book, I find myself cringing a little bit.
There is one young lady in this story who has “a fortune in her throat”, in other words, she can sing and is expected to make a career out of it. Within the first couple weeks of making the pledge, she denies the offers of two prestigious musical companies and announces to her mom that she’s going to sing for the White Cross meetings downtown. Because of her voice, people begin to flock to the meetings. Because of the message and the Holy Spirit, people begin to give their lives to Christ.
Books such as these make me think about my life and make me want to live in accordance to what I believe Jesus would do with my life. But I always feel like I’m on hold and have to wait until I have more time or money. Still, I have asked myself frequently over the past couple years, “What can I do now?”
One change that has taken place is my work ethic. I used to be a very inconsistent worker, both in what I accomplished and in my attitude. True, I cannot deny that I have different moods that are going to change the way I behave, but it does not have to be a critical difference. I decided that my moods were no longer going to effect how hard I worked or how I treated people at work, and I think I have done a fairly good job at this. I come to work to work now, not to make money. I am there to be a servant of the people I work for and with. I have become more consistent about asking, “Is there anything you wish I would do before I leave?” or “Is there anything I could be doing for you right now?” It’s the consistency that’s important; as my coworkers become accustomed to my asking this, they begin to realize that I mean it and that they really can ask me to do whatever it is that’s on their minds.
Another change I mentioned in a recent blog. I do my best to avoid being judgmental of the people around me. This one is especially difficult as the people around me are constantly complaining about this customer or that coworker. I admit, I have failed at this much more than I would like. But a huge change has recently transpired that I have noticed and wondered at. I love people!! I am amazed at how interested I am in every person who walks through the door at Bella Café.
This week a man came limping in, using his umbrella as a cane, wearing a very long, black raincoat and looking disheveled and nearly homeless. He piqued my curiosity immediately and, fortunately, was easy to get talking. He spoke of being forced into time off from work for disability because someone had hit him while he was crossing a street in the crosswalk. After a bit, he told me he’d just been over to a local restaurant and been treated like… poop. He spat the word like he was saying the more popular curse word. He was not treated like poop at Bella and even my coworker seemed to enjoy his visit.
We have customers who won’t talk to us, customers who won’t stop talking to us, customers who mispronounce their beverage, customers who never tip, and I find every one of them intriguing. And lovable! When did that happen?
But I want to do things outside of work as well. I want to learn to listen better. I want to learn to judge less. I want to serve more often at the Union Gospel Mission. I want to talk to more people on the streets (carefully, very carefully. But fearlessly!). I want to make wise decisions regarding men who are interested in me and who are not Christians.
Will you share with me, please, ways in which you have seen Christ molding you to the standard, “What would Jesus do?” I am so interested in knowing where God has been teaching and changing people.
And I would like to challenge you to read one, if not both, of these books, if you have not already. They’re worth it, I promise!
I forgot to finish my tea! Haha!

Proverbs 7:1-4

2008-10-07T19:29:00.000-07:00

“My son, keep my words, and treasure my commandments within you. Keep my commandments and live, and my teaching as the apple of your eye. Bind them on your fingers; write them on the tablet of your heart. Say to wisdom, ‘You are my sister,’ and call understanding your intimate friend…” Proverbs 7:1-4

“Do not judge lest you be judged.” Matt 7:1

“You shall not take vengeance, nor bear any grudge against the sons of your people, but you shall love your neighbor as yourself; I am the Lord.” Leviticus 19:18

“And I shall delight in Thy commandments, which I love.” Psalm 119:47

One thing I have found that does not change between employees at Bella’s and those at Starbucks is the attitude toward customers; they all bitch about customers the same. It might be that the customer doesn’t talk loudly enough, wants whip cream on a nonfat mocha, or didn’t ask for ham on their sandwich and has an attitude when they receive a ham sandwich; it really doesn’t matter; the baristas always get pissy.

I’m trying so hard not to develop this same attitude. It’s hard! I have to bite back comments frequently.

Every time one forms in my mind I know my coworker will get a kick out of it but then I think about what might have made the customer behave that way and I realize that I am being judgmental and unloving.

Keep reminding me, Lord. Please help me not to fall into the trap of complaining about every customer’s little idiosyncrasies. Allow me the privilege of seeing things more from their perspective and just loving them because they’re my neighbors.

It’s not just to be like Jesus but because I love You and I love Your commandments. You’ve said these things for a reason; let Your words not fall on deaf ears.

Deep Calls to Deep

2008-09-23T16:18:00.000-07:00

I think I am very blessed because occasionally, as I stumble down the road of life, I remember to follow my heart. It’s becoming more frequent but for now I can only be glad for the rare times that it happens.

This summer I decided to begin reading through Proverbs, one chapter every day, each chapter corresponding to the day of the month. I wasn’t sure what to expect but I thought I’d try, at least. I have found this book to be a pleasure to read. It’s delightful to read something out of Proverbs and be reminded of something Jesus said; it’s exciting to find that I am that familiar with the Bible.

On Sunday I read:

“The purposes of a man’s heart are deep waters, but a man of understanding draws them out.” Proverbs 20:5

First I was reminded of Psalm 42:7;

“Deep calls to deep in the sound of Your waterfalls; all Your waves and breakers have swept over me.”

Then I thought, is this man of understanding supposed to be Jesus?

So I checked to see if that verse referenced any other verses and found that it did:

“He reached down from on high and took hold of me; He drew me out of deep waters.” Psalm 18:16

I suddenly felt the desire to be alone with these verses somewhere where I could hear the crash of water, the roar of the deep. The desire was nearly overwhelming and I knew I would have to find the chance to escape as soon as possible. I called Cora Monday afternoon to get a few ideas and Tuesday I embarked on a mini adventure at Silver Falls State Park.

I left the Emersons’ just past 7:00, just as the sun lifted her warm, brazen face over the mountains and began to fight off the cold and the clouds. It was a beautiful morning but too early to know who the victor would be, sun or clouds, and I found myself wondering whether I’d brought enough clothes. The drive took longer than I expected but I love the country so I leaned into the curves of the road with zeal and wound my way to the park.

I reached the trail head and gazed along the path. I’d been to Silver Falls State Park only once, about three years ago, so today I would be exploring. I spent some time feeling indecisive; where should I start? Where should I go? I first tried Upper North Falls but, once I got there, decided that was not where I was meant to be. I finally decided on North Falls and took off along the Canyon Trail.

It was short but sweet. The path followed alongside the creek. I walked along, staring at the forest, until I came upon a set of stairs. I walked down the stairs, wondering when I would cross the creek and how close the waterfall was, then realized that the creek was plunging downward right beside me. The stairs ended and the path curved abruptly back on itself. The trail seemed to be carved out of rock that jutted out over the path. If I was taller, I would have to stoop. The trees blocking my view of the waterfall thinned and I saw that all the water shot out of a small fissure of rock and tumbled 136 feet to a dark pool below. Looking up, it seemed as if the forest ended abruptly. How can the forest sit on that slab of rock? I wondered, for just below the forest a rock cliff protruded, like a child’s pouty lower lip, and rolled back in to create a cavern-like indentation. The path was etched through the back of the cavern, behind the waterfall.

I was delighted. Ideally, I had wanted to sit behind a waterfall, but short of a 5 mile hike along Eagle Creek in the Gorge, I had no idea where to find a waterfall I could sit behind. God had provided. There were even little benches set up inside the cavern.

I “set up camp” on one bench, pulling out my journal, Bible, and pens. I opened my journal and wrote:

“Deep calls to deep in the sound of Thy waterfalls; all Thy breakers and Thy waves have rolled over me.”

Pushing me down, pushing, pushing, encouraging me toward the depths of my own heart.
Who are you? What are you doing here?

Pushing. Deeper.

I must search the deep.

I thought of the time I got stuck in a riptide at Rockaway Beach. The surf had pounded against me, pushing me down. But I had a pfd on and I could only go down so far before I popped back up.

Then I thought of the time I listened to a speaker from Imago Dei tell of an experience he had while surfing. A wave had crashed over him and pulled him down, down, down. Somewhere down there, under the ocean, time stopped for the intrepid surfer and he experienced God; the deep pounded around him like a heartbeat of enormous proportions. He did not fear; God is love.

All Thy breakers and Thy waves have rolled over me, pushing me down.

I don’t want a life jacket for this; I don’t want to hover at the surface.

My voice sounded small next to the roar of the waterfall. I was attempting lectio divina, “sacred reading”. It was sacred; God was there. I invited Him to be a part of what I was doing and then I corrected myself:

No, I’m asking that I can share this with You; that You’ll let me be a part of what You’re doing.

Deep calls to deep… it’s the searching of the Holy Spirit within my own soul. “Do you trust Me?” He asks. Mostly I do, Lord. In my mind, certainly. In my heart? Mostly.

“He reached down and took hold of me; He drew me out of deep waters.” Psalm 18:16

I was here reminded of the lyrics of my current theme song:

Whatever You’re doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there’s peace
And though it’s hard to surrender
To what I can’t see
I’m giving in to something heavenly

Except I’m lacking the peace part I wrote.

I began to think of how, in training, we learned that if ever we got stuck swimming in a low head dam, we would need to allow the current to sweep us to the bottom of the river, then crawl along the bottom until we were free of the swirling current. That is the only way out. Horror story! I think it would be natural for any human (who wasn’t in counter panic) to try and fight their way out. I would probably swim my hardest to try and get out - and get wrapped up in all the debris also stuck in the churning waters.

I am stuck in chaotic, churning waters. I’m struggling, constantly struggling, trying to find the surface. In my attempts I am merely entangling myself worse than before, creating more sin and attempting to avoid facing the consequences thereof.

This song by Sanctus Real uses the word “surrender”. Have I done that? I’m experiencing the chaos but not so much the peace. If I surrender, I am assured that He will reach down from on high and take hold of me and draw me out of deep waters. Why? Because He delights in me (Psalm 18:19b). So simple.

Deep calls to deep. The Holy Spirit is present. Surrender to Jesus, to God, and let Him draw me out. Me! The King of heaven and earth asks me to surrender so He can draw the Raychel He created out of deep waters and allow her to stand, free of sin, and live a life worthy of the calling of Jesus.

“I love You, oh Lord, my strength.
The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge.
He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.
I call to the Lord, who is worthy of praise, and I am saved from my enemies…
“He reached down from on high and took hold of me; he drew me out of deep waters.
He rescued me from my powerful enemy, from my foes, who were too strong for me.
They confronted me in the day of my disaster, but the Lord was my support.
He brought me out into a spacious place; He rescued me because He delighted in me.”
Psalm 18:1-3, 16-19

Personality Profile

2008-09-06T15:33:00.000-07:00

The other day my director, Curt, handed me a small stack of papers and said, “Would you take these personality tests and get them back to me as soon as you can?”

My reaction was funny, but typical (for me). Inside I couldn’t wait to get those tests alone and figure myself out. Outwardly I balked, claiming that if I took the test Curt would merely “box” me and never allow me to be “just me” again.

“No,” he explained, “these are just to help me figure out how you’re going to fit into the team.”
“Exactly!” I declared, “You’re going to let this personality test tell you how to treat me. I’m not sure this is a good idea at all.”

I then scampered immediately to my desk and started taking the test. This test has 40 rows, each row made up of four words that begin with the same letter. I was to mark the word that described me the best. The words didn’t necessarily have to relate to each other in any way such as this row: planner, patient, positive, promoter. Or this row: daring, delightful, diplomatic, detailed (I picked “delightful”, of course).

I remember one row of “s” words: sure, spontaneous, scheduled, shy. I checked “sure” and then sat there for 10 minutes trying to figure out if that was right. I finally laughed, erased the check next to “sure”, and checked a different word.

Another row went: adventurous, adaptable, animated, analytical. I took this to Cora and said, “I don’t think I’m any of these! We all know I’m not really adventurous, it’s something I’ve been working on. I’m not a big fan of change so I wouldn’t say I’m adaptable. I can be animated but it really just depends on my mood. Maybe that’s the closest -”

“Raychel, didn’t you say one was “analytical”? Check that one.”

It took me a few hours, asking a couple friends’ opinions, and much laughter before I finally finished the test (Cora said Curt gave her that test months ago and she just keeps forgetting to do it so I guess a few hours isn’t too bad). I tallied up the points and discovered…

I have multiple personalities.

It’s true; I scored “13” for two personality types and “12” for a third. No wonder I have issues!
My 13s were “sanguine” and “philegmatic”; my 12 was “melancholy”. I received a “2” for choleric; I could have told you before taking the test that I wasn’t choleric.

When I discovered my multiple personalities, I brought the test back to Curt. “Ha! I win! You can’t box me; I’m everything.” I felt a little smug.

Curt took the test from me and looked it over. “This is good,” he said. “This means you have all of these attributes. Of course, there’s a lot of tension between the “sanguines” and the “melancholies” so I’ll bet you have a lot of conflict going on inside you. And if you’re also “philegmatic” that tension’s probably never being resolved.

He made me feel like a bomb about to explode.

But, whatever, part of me continues to worry that I did something wrong and wonder if I should retake the test. Another part of me is glad that my inability to figure myself out has finally been explained. I have a few friends who think they’ve figured me out. They just don’t understand that I’m incomprehensible. If you ever decide that you have someone figured out, please keep in mind that you are seeing them through the filter of yourself, not objectively as you would like to think. If you have someone “figured out” you probably don’t know them at all.

I’m a moody person; I don’t know why, I just am. The same comment made by two different people, or the same person at different times, will effect me differently. My reaction depends on where I’m standing, what I’m wearing, how I feel about that, how I feel in general, where the other person’s standing, their body language, the last thing they said to me, how well I know them, how I know them, how tired I am, what time of the month it is, the list is inexhaustible.

There’s really no reason for me to write all this out except that I love to write my thoughts out. Except, as I type that I realize that there is some point to this. In my search to figure myself out I have discovered much of who I want to be. I want the ability to laugh at my faults, because I know that I am human and with that comes imperfection. But in order to be able to laugh at my faults, I must gain humility and accept my faults as part of who I am.

I have faults, and it’s easy to admit that, but when anyone gets into the specifics of what those faults are, I’m more than likely to get snappy. Yet I want to be the type of person who can admit those faults, and laugh them off. Not carelessly, as though they don’t matter, but humorously, able to see the fallibility of my own self.

I have had much time to think through some of this stuff and have just deleted quite a few hurtful sentences about one friend in particular. I had taken out her name but, if she had read this, she would have known right away that it was she I wrote of, and I think I would have badly hurt her feelings.

I have always considered myself “inconsistent” but recently I came to the conclusion that that’s not the problem. I am consistent; when I am tired I get snappy and sensitive; when I am not tired I am pleased to joke around.

A few mornings ago at YD, we were given the opportunity to share what we did over Labor Day weekend. I got snappy trying to describe a tree that I had fallen in love with at the Rose Gardens; one friend began making fun of me and then another said, “If this is how it’s going to go, this is going to take a long time.” I already didn’t want to be there. I am not necessarily physically tired but I am emotionally drained and, that morning, those stupid comments pushed me over the edge.

“You guys are pissing me off. Sorry, I’m really tired, but you are.” I then shut down and didn’t say another word but thought many sarcastic and cutting things as everybody else shared.

Throughout the next couple days I proceeded to feel ugly, angry, resentful, morbid. I hurt and wanted to blame someone for the pain. I felt ugly and I wanted to hide that from other people. I was unlovable and it made me hate everyone.

Yes, I heard It, though I barely listened to It the first time. Fortunately, the message was repeated the next day through Harmony who pulled me aside and said, “Raychel, you are loved. Even when you feel like this and you think you are unlovable, you are loved.”

I hadn’t said anything to anybody.

This is supposed to be about my personality and instead it’s becoming spiritual. But, really, how can we take the spiritual out of real life? It’s there, whether we recognize it or not; and I have no idea how much the spiritual has to do with my personality. What I do know is that I need the Holy Spirit to teach me how to deal with the person I am. I have been thinking a lot about the ticking bomb words Curt spoke to me and I realize that there really is a lot of conflict inside of me, and I have no idea how to deal with it. But I’m going to have to figure that out before I explode.

It’s happened before; I have snapped, cracked into a million pieces. I seriously thought about how freeing it would be just to die and not have to cry, to feel the pain, anymore. I don’t want to go through that again. Thankfully, this time I know I belong to a God who also wants to see me heal and become whole. I think a lot of what I’m battling right now is Him opening up my soul and cleaning out all the crumb and filth. I wish we could do it painlessly but God doesn’t work like that because we humans don’t grow like that.

Jesus felt the weight of all the world’s sins on His sinless shoulders. Perhaps God is just giving me a small taste of what He went through so I can learn how much that sacrifice meant.
Meanwhile, I have to learn how to deal with conflict in a healthy way before I explode. And I have to learn that I am loved, even when I feel unlovable.

I actually feel a strong urge to run away right now, and I think it’s a healthy urge. I have been busy, busy, busy, doing, doing, doing, for a long, long time and I need a break. I need some time to seek God in silence and solitude. I need the opportunity to listen, without dogs barking or time constraints. The only problem is, I can’t follow through with this urge.

Tick, tick, tick…

Newsletter the Fifth: God answers our prayers

2008-08-22T15:29:00.001-07:00

In January our director, Curt, introduced a book to staff entitled “The Prayer Life” by Andrew Murray. It’s a really good book, I would suggest it to anyone; it spurred a great deal of change in the way we view prayer for our ministry, which has created some wonderful and fruitful ideas at YD Adventures, OR.

For one thing, we have a prayer room now. We divided the day into hour-long slots and staff sign up for one slot each at the beginning of the day. There we go to talk to God about our trips. We ask Him to be our focal point; we put the trips in His hands; we ask that students hearts would be ready, that our words would be His, that teens would see Jesus in us and come to understand His love for them.

I have noticed a more apparent emphasis on prayer before and during trips. Our trip leaders have made it clear that we can’t do anything unless that’s what God’s doing and that we must ask for His help.

This summer has been incredible! The desires of my heart are no longer just thoughts lodged in there waiting for God knows what; they are realities lived out by my friends and me here at YD Adventures. We pray that students see Jesus in us - and they do! We pray for the right words to speak - and then speak them! We pray for teens’ hearts to be ripe - and they ask Jesus to be their Lord and Savior! But it’s not us; it’s Christ in us, and it’s so exciting!

I spent the off-season and all of training praying that this summer would be the one that I would really step up and let Christ use me. I want to bow my head and weep in humble adoration as all the memories of this summer wash over me and I realize that I stepped up, and God used me. I was driving a friend home from base the other day and I said, “I think, of our three summers, this one has been the best.” He agreed and I continued, “I think it’s because we invited God and He showed up.” He agreed again.

You want stories? I’ve got stories.

I trip led one particular youth group for the second year in a row this summer. I love that because I am familiar with the students and their struggles. I think it was a surprise to one girl to discover that I remembered that one of her greatest fears is heights; last summer she climbed a little but never rappelled (in fact, as I was explaining how to rappel, she sat there and bawled her eyes out in fear, without even being near the cliff!). Remembering this before the trip, my staff and I prayed that she would be able to conquer this fear. This year she faced and conquered her fear of heights by rappelling down that cliff! It was a huge break-through for her and built up her confidence quite a bit. On her evaluation card she wrote that the rock climbing was a big part of the spiritual growth she experienced on the trip.

On another trip I remember that we specifically prayed that the students would see Jesus in us and experience God’s love through us and be drawn to that. I led devotions on the first morning and asked them to read Romans 8, esp verses 35-39. I told them that nothing, not the things other people did nor the things we did, could separate us from the love of God. I asked them, as they read, to pray that God would reveal to them the things they believed separated them from His love and that He would show them how far from the truth that is.

That theme just kept presenting itself throughout the trip. We talked about listening for God’s voice, stepping out in faith, abiding in Christ, all because God is Sovereign and loving and knows what’s best for us. We began to get comments from the leaders, “The students have been commenting about how real you guys are. It’s really cool.” I remember specifically coming away from one discussion that I led and a leader came to me and said, “That was exactly what these guys needed to hear. Thank you.”

On the last night we took the group for a walk and Christina (coworker, we just call her C) presented the gospel in the darkness of night. The stars were out, the night was cool, we could here coyotes and owls, and a shooting star streaked the night sky. C began in Genesis, talking about Creation and the fall of man, the love of God and how that led Him to give us a way out, all so we could be reconciled and back in relationship with Him. We then sent them back alone in the night (we call it a solo walk) and asked them to find one of their leaders and talk to them about how the story of their life fits into the story of the Bible, and any decision God asked them to make about living that out.

The next morning we heard unanimously from all the leaders that students had responded positively. One girl in particular said her parents sent her on all the retreats and camps they could and she was always the “bad girl” because she didn’t want to be there. She said she had recently challenged God to show her His love and now, through the conversations and activities and the love the YD staff exhibited, she felt He had answered her prayers and that she really, really wanted to move forward in relationship with Him.

On my last trip we did an activity called “Voices of the World” and talked about being the beloved and learning to tune out all the other voices that tell us what to do and how to do it and what we should be but can’t and just listen to the voice that says, “I love you. You are My beloved.” The next day on my boat I asked the students what God had been teaching them on the trip and one girl said, “He’s teaching me that I can hear His voice, if I am listening for it, and that the ways in which He speaks are infinite; He speaks through the Bible, nature, other people, and so many other ways.”

There’s more; this has been a wealthy summer in terms of students giving their lives to Christ for the first time or recommitting. Also, I have never seen so many personal issues be brought up before; on more than one trip students have admitted that they were thinking about suicide or that their parents were physically abusing them. This is big stuff!

This summer has been bathed in prayer and God has been incredibly faithful and loving throughout. I love to see Him at work!

Please continue to pray; I leave today for another trip and am pretty close to completely worn out. Still, I’m excited to see what God does!

Nickname

2008-07-08T20:03:00.000-07:00

I think I wounded my dad today. Of course, I didn’t mean to; I was so caught up in myself I really wasn’t thinking of him at all. The only thing I did was ask him not to call me a nickname he sometimes uses on me. I hate this nickname because it’s the same nickname my last two boyfriends used on me - Baby. It’s like nails on chalkboard for me. The problem is, I’m not really sure if I asked him not to use to because it honestly bothers me or because the last time I told him I didn’t like it he told me to get over it. Is it more that my pride is upset or that I honestly detest that nickname?

He told me again today to get over it. Actually he said, “You need to let go.”

I responded, “I need you to stop calling me that.”

“No, you need to let go,” he repeated.

“I need you to stop calling me that.”

“Ok, but you also need to let go and heal from the past.”

“I’m dealing with that,” I told him and then he got up and left the room. Immediately I felt guilty of just making the gulf between us even wider and being stubborn just for pride’s sake.

On Sunday my pastor talked about Eph 6:1-4. For me this passage only brought up the same questions I asked myself in January. Am I being dishonorable to my parents by moving out? My brother lost his temper, picked me up, and threw me against a metal bed frame and then to the floor. I hurt the next and had bruises where people shouldn’t have bruises - on my lower back.
I remember, after the fight ended, my dad, holding me in his arms, as though to say, “Don’t worry, baby, you’re safe where your daddy is.” But he was there! The whole time! And I got hurt! And every night for years before that I locked my bedroom door when I slept because I worried that I was going to say the wrong thing and Asher was going to come in during the night and murder me! As he held me I just felt really awkward because I knew that it was going to take more than a hug to deal with this abuse.

It was the next day that I told my parents, either Asher moves out or I’m moving out, but I’m not living with someone whom I’m afraid might hurt me. I think my dad took that as, “I don’t trust you to keep me safe in your household,” because his response was a snarled, “Then move out.”

Did I do the right thing? One of the Ten Commandments is “Honor your father and your mother…” (Deut 5:16). Paul repeats this assertion in his letter to the Ephesians. Have I dishonored my parents when I moved out? For some reason my dad chose to take my decision very personal.

I know, I started out talking about a nickname. My relationship with my dad is just really awkward right now and I’m trying to take steps to change that (and I’m sure he is as well) and none of us are real good at sitting down and just dealing with the conflict.

Maybe that’s what needs to happen; a conversation about us, him and I. Oh, man, that’s going to take a lot more courage than I have!

Time to Choose the Truth

2008-07-04T17:28:00.001-07:00

I just spent three rounds of the song “Sweetly Broken” by Jeremy Riddle crying, laughing, wordlessly worshiping God. Now I’m going to share with you why.

My summer has been incredibly difficult so far. You may be thinking, “Summer just started, dear.” For me, summer started on May 15(ish) when training for YD started. We have a ton of fun but there’s a lot of work involved and I think Satan starts attacking us right away, whether it’s stroking our pride or telling us we’re not good enough to be there.

At some point near the end of training, God spoke to me though James 1:21-25, reminding me that He spent the fall and winter months teaching me who He was, and now He was calling me to live that knowledge out in faith, being sure that He is everywhere, almighty, faithful, just, loving, all those glorious things I read about. I wasn’t quite sure how that was supposed to look, except that I should trust Him while on trips and be bold and faithful and speak to kids the Truth that He taught me.

However, I’ve been going around crippled, believing that God is who He says He is but not believing I am who He says I am. I’ve been feeling very uncomfortable whenever one of my YD friends let it be known that they believed in me, had faith in God working through me, or if someone complimented something about me. I just couldn’t believe it; I thought, “They have no idea. I’m so not worth their kindness. I’m a mess. I am unacceptably worthless.”

It doesn’t help that I’ve been exhausted. I always get over emotional and start believing all sorts of awful things when I’m tired. However, this time it spilled over and I found myself sitting in my room wondering why one friend said I was loved and special but, I thought, her actions said otherwise. One distant part of me kept screaming, “Lies! You’re believing lies!” But a louder part of me said, “Christians have to say you’re special and loved. The truth is you’re not worth her time, her love, even the words she uses to tell you good things.”

Suddenly it struck me that a few months ago, while visiting with a friend, I told her that I’d finally discovered which voice is the Holy Spirit’s. “It’s the one that tells me I’m doing things right,” I told her. I meant the voice that affirms, that says good things to me, not the voice that condemns me or makes me feel insecure or tells me I’m worthy only of loathing.

Which voice am I listening to right now? Why? It may be loud but even if Satan is screaming, he can’t drown out the Truth.

Suddenly, I got angry. I began to yell at Satan, telling him I am sick of his lies and that I refuse to believe them anymore. I told Satan that in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ he it was time he left me alone. Then I began to pray, asking God, “Who am I, then?”

I remembered a sheet of paper I received from my church that had all the “Who I Am in Christ” statements done in calligraphy by a friend of mine. I had set these statements aside because I was letting God teach me who He is, without the distraction of who that makes me. I grabbed it off my shelf and began to read, pray, and rejoice over them.

The very first statement is, “I am accepted.” The tears of joy came right away. For a long time now I have been carrying around this burden of believing I am unacceptable. I can’t receive the compliments my friends give because I think they don’t realize how unworthy I am. I always think, “You don’t know how lazy I am. I never pull my weight! Everyone works harder than me. You don’t know how hateful I am. You don’t know how unsure I am. Everyone else is worthy of these compliments, but I’m not.” This is something I discovered just the other day, that I can’t receive good things from my friends; as I realized it I asked God, “Do I accept Your love for me? Do I accept the things You say about me?” I couldn’t answer this question for myself; I needed God to show me.

So this day He showed me; I have been believing the lies of Satan over the Truths of God. Do you know what this means? I am being disobedient to God! I am not believing what the Word of God says!

To believe what Satan says over what God says - what a tragedy! No wonder I feel crippled. No wonder I feel inhibited.

On my myspace profile I stole a quote from Nichole Nordeman, “Did I choose to love?” Now is the time to choose the Truths of the Bible over the lies of Satan. I already know God is who He says He is. What is holding me back from believing I am who He says I am? Nothing! Except me! I must choose to believe God!

It’s so humbling when I think about it. Jesus wants us to submit to Him and believe in Him and this means believing in these good things He boldly proclaims about us. We don’t deserve it but it’s true nonetheless. Waiting until I deserve it is a waste of time because it’s true now. What am I waiting for?

I pray everyday to serve my Lord. How can I do that if I am handicapped by lies? The Truth sets me free so I can serve my Lord unreservedly, uninhibitedly. I am accepted as a vessel of the Holy Spirit, a voice of the Lord, a servant of Jesus, a child of God, a friend and disciple of Jesus. I am secure, freed of all condemnation by the blood Jesus shed on the cross, knowing that all things work toward the good of those who believe and love God, unable to be separated from the love of God, confident that God will complete the good works He has begun in me. I am significant, a branch of Jesus Christ and a channel of His life, a temple of God, seated with Jesus in the heavenly realm. These are but a few of the bold claims Jesus and His disciples have claimed about me.

I am FREE!!!!

Lord Jesus Christ, I pray You help me to believe the claims You’ve made to the depths of my soul. Help me to choose Your Truths over Satan’s lies, reminding me of who You say I am. Help me to live these things out, learning to boldly live as one loved and cherished by You.

Sweetly Broken by Jeremy Riddle
To the cross I look,
To the cross I cling
Of its suffering I do drink,
Of its work I do sing
For on it my Savior,
Both bruised and crushed
Showed that God is love
And God is just.
At the cross You beckon me
You draw me gently to my knees, and I am
Lost for words, so lost in love,
I’m sweetly broken, wholly surrendered
What a priceless gift,
Undeserved life
Have I been given
Through Christ crucified.
You’ve called me out of death,
You’ve called me into life
And I was under Your wrath,
Now through the cross I’m reconciled.

Be Still part 2

2008-04-30T10:37:00.000-07:00

No, this is not another blog about my boss. This is just stuff I've been learning; little things God's been showing me during our time together in the morning.

Lately I have begun to know that in order to truly understand the New Testament, I must become familiar with the Old Testament. There are a lot of things not said in the gospels, I think because they were just understood during those times and we have lost the meaning of them throughout the centuries. Today theology students can tell me what they're taught to know. Some things are totally up for debate.

Why did Jesus hush the demons before they could proclaim Him as the Lord?

Did Jesus always know He came for the Gentiles as well as the Jews?

What does it mean when Jesus says He did not come to judge (John 12:47) but before then He'd told everyone that's why God sent Him (John 5:22; John 9:39)?

What was Jesus writing in the sand when the Pharisees and the scribes brought the adulterous woman to Him for judgment?

Here is where I think knowledge of the OT helps make things clear. The other day I stumbled upon Jeremiah 17:13:

“Those who turn away from you will be written in the dust.”

Perhaps Jesus was writing names? Was He adding these men to the “list” of those who have forsaken God? Was He taunting them? Perhaps the Pharisees went home that day, thought over the situation with the sinful woman, and remembered Jesus writing in the dirt, and then were reminded of this verse in the Holy Scriptures and burned with anger over the audacity of the Carpenter Boy from Nowhere.

Or perhaps, as my Bible suggests, this situation never happened.

I read Yancey's entire book, “The Jesus I Never Knew” and didn't realize that what he was saying was, as Madeleine L'Engle simply put it, “The Jews expected Jesus to be a political leader like King David.” They didn't realize He was God. And who would, considering the way He presented Himself: the omniscient, omnipotent, eternal God being born as a baby who had to learn how to walk, talk, read, and who had to have His diapers changed. Even His disciples didn't know Him for who He really is.

Yesterday morning I was reading Mark 4:35-41 and the language used struck me as familiar.
The disciples and Jesus are in a boat crossing (I'm assuming) the Sea of Galilee. There is a storm so big their boat starts to sink and Jesus is sleeping away at the stern, probably exhausted after many days of intense ministry. The disciples are terrified and wake Him up, “We're going to die! How can you sleep?” they tell him (that was add-libbing, not a quote).

“[Jesus] got up, rebuked the wind, and said, 'Quiet! Be still!' Then the wind died down and it was completely calm.” vs 39

“Be still,” He said.

I have spent a lot of time lately in Psalm 46 because God is teaching me to be still. The psalm begins, “God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.” From there the Sons of Korah imagine a scene of ultimate terror: the earth is falling apart! Nations are terrified! Earthly kingdoms are proven impermanent. Through all of this they rest secure in the knowledge of Almighty God.

At the end of the psalm, God tells us to be still and know that He is God. In the story in Mark God, as Jesus, tells the wind and the waves to be still. He then asks the disciples, “Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?” And the disciples were terrified and responded, “Who is this? Even the wind and the waves obey Him!”

He is God!

Jesus gave the disciples the opportunity to “be still” in the storm and know that He is God. They did not know, but the storm did! The storm knew the voice of its Creator when He spoke.
I pray I learn to be still and know that He is God. I want to be in the midst of a storm and know He is God. I want that kind of faith. But is it possible that when I'm in a storm and cannot recognize the Lord with me, He will tell it to be still, thus revealing His presence to me?

Redeemed

2008-04-25T14:04:00.000-07:00

A couple weeks after “the incident” with my boss I was told to put fly line on reels again. This requires that I use a little machine (the best name I can come up with is a “reel machine”) with a foot peddle that is used to spin a little motor which has a crank attached to it. I lock a reel into the crank and spin backing onto the reel. Then I tie fly line to the backing and spin that onto the reel. The backing always comes on a nice little spool so I can hold it between my fingers as it spins onto the reel but the fly line Grigg had me using this day did not come on a spool – it was just a coil of line. There were spools available to put the fly line onto but the spools were too big to fit in my hand and if they were even slightly bumped they broke open, at which point all the fly line unwound and – poof! – I had a rat’s nest on my hands which took plenty of time to untangle. I found the easiest way to deal with this unspooled fly line was to unwind it, stretching it out across the floor. I would still have occasional tangles to deal with but no rat’s nests.

Through the morning I worked on these reels consistently and as quickly as I could. Productivity is important to Grigg and if I go slower than he has deemed productive, he will take the task away from me.

When I stopped to take a break, Dave went back to check my work. He came back to the break room to tell me, “You’ve been averaging about 10 reels an hour. I can do between 20 and 30 an hour. You need to catch up to that.” He didn’t really say it kindly.

I went back and worked at a speed that left me feeling frantic and stressed. I got up to 17 an hour and felt like a failure. Dave came out and saw me stretching fly line across the floor and said, “It’s easier if you use those spools. No wonder you’re going so slow.” But I explained how the fly line tended to tangle a lot more if I used the spools. Still, he didn’t seem satisfied with my work.

After awhile I began to realize that the level of stress I felt came from my unhealthy fear of Dave Grigg. I did not want the punishment of hearing all my faults (even as made-up in the mind of Dave Grigg as they were) laid out for me and set to the tune of blame and self-righteous indignation. I spent a few days praying that God would help me take Dave off the throne of wrathful deity in my heart, allowing God complete Kingship once again.

We ran out of backing a couple days later and I was set free from the task for a few weeks. Recently we got backing and more fly line in and I was asked to continue this task.

I began the task with trepidation, worrying that I still wouldn’t be able to go fast enough (even though the new fly line came on a spool) and that Dave would get frustrated with me again. Then I began making up conversations with him in which he approached me to give me a “talking to” but I had a few words for him in retaliation. When I was through bashing Dave I moved on to other people and incidences in my life that are a frustration.

And so I discovered that stress can open the door for Satan to harass me.

I realized after a few hours of this that I hadn’t had a positive thought all morning. I begin praying for help. Every time the bad thoughts began, I had to stop them and begin praying again. It takes a lot of discipline at a level which I can’t seem to keep up so the day never got any better for me.

That evening I read a verse suggested for our discussion at home community:

“Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.” 1 Peter 5:6

It was interesting to read that after my day at work so I continued to read and found: “And the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm, and steadfast.” 1 Peter 5:10.

For some reason I found comfort in these words and I knew I would need some sort of defense the next day at work. However, I remembered that one of the things Dave had expressed disgruntlement about was my reading my Bible on the job (“I’m glad you’re in the Word but you shouldn’t do it on my time.”) I knew, but he didn’t know, that all I do is open my Bible, glance at the verse, then leave the Bible open to remind me of what I am focusing on. I don’t sit there and spend 5 minutes looking for something juicy to read and then spend another 15 minutes meditating on this juicy stuff and then, with a final 5 minute prayer, get back to work.

The next day I approached Dave and asked him if I could have my Bible out and told him what it is I do with it. He then wanted to know what was going on that made me need to seek defense in God’s word. I couldn’t tell him that he had caused so much stress for me that Satan had found an open door with which to harass me so I told him about something else going on in my life which was sufficiently juicy enough that he was satisfied. We prayed and he let me go, complete with gracious permission granted to have my Bible open.

I need to stop the attitude toward this man!

As I worked, I timed myself and, as I had noticed the day before, I was consistently finishing almost 10 reels every 20 minutes! I was so proud I went and told Dave at the end of the day how well I was doing. His response was, “Now do you want to see who can do it faster?” (Another thing he was angry with me about that one day was that I had denied him the opportunity to compete with me over who could bag these little fly boxes faster. I was new and he was making me nervous and I told him I wasn’t very competitive.)

“Let’s do it!” I said.

We dragged Krista out of her office and went out to the warehouse. I gave her my watch so she could use the stopwatch to time us. First I went, then Dave. I was sure he would kick my butt (he was sure he’d kick my butt too). I beat him by 5 seconds!

So there you have it; Raychel has been redeemed in the eyes of Dave Grigg. I’m so relieved God requires faith, not works.

Grace and Mercy

2008-04-19T17:24:00.000-07:00

A couple weekends ago God was speaking to me about something I didn't really want to hear. I've been reading through the Gospels again (you really can't do that too much or too often) but this time much, much more slowly than ever before and the Bible I've been using is a chronological one. One morning I read a part from Luke 4 after Jesus went to His home town and read and taught from Isaiah:

“All spoke well of Him and were amazed at the gracious words that came from His lips. 'Isn't this Joseph's son?' they asked.
“Jesus said to them, 'Surely you will quote this proverb to me: “Physician, heal yourself! Do here in your hometown what we have heard that you did in Capernaum.”' Luke 4:22-23

My parents are proud to share that when I was a baby they had me dedicated and the one who did the dedication was the founder of their church, John Robert Stevens. They also love to brag that my dedication became something special for my dad; JRS laid hands on my dad and prophesied that he would be a prophet of love.

I've heard this over and over throughout my life but over the years it has lost its special flavor and become moldy and unpalatable.

A prophet of love, eh? Show me, dad, where's the love in your family? How do you show your love to your family? Oh, wait, you messed up, didn't you.

“Physician, heal yourself!”

I'm pretty sure I want as much ammo against my dad as possible so I have excuses not to engage in a relationship with him. But then God started showing me about the difference between grace and mercy.

Grace is God's (and our) ability to forgive. Mercy is what that relationship looks like after the forgiveness happens. Grace and mercy are both a two-way street.

In order to accept God's grace, we must recognize that we have been living in sin, that God has every right and reason to reject us, but that, if we accept His forgiveness, we can receive His grace and live in a right relationship to Him. The “right relationship” is mercy. Once we have accepted His grace, we can have a relationship with Him through prayer, reading our Bibles, and fellowship. But we must be able to accept that His grace gives us the opportunity to relate to Him, and then be willing to spend time developing that relationship. God never withholds grace or mercy from us; what He wants more than anything is relationships with His children.

Then He tells us to forgive and live in “right relationships” with one another. I have been working on extending grace to my dad but I have been very unwilling to extend mercy. In other words, I am withholding myself from a relationship with him – in a sense, punishing him for being a weird and distant father.

This doesn't mean that our relationship should look like every perfect father-daughter relationship, or should be everything he ever dreamed it could be. God can give all of Himself. Often we cannot – and I think that's alright. When my dad calls me “baby” or kisses me on the back of the neck, he makes me feel uncomfortable; we're not that close and I can't pretend that we are so I have every right to ask him to stop. Still, I should find time to sit down at a meal with him and have a conversation, maybe call his phone every once in a while to see how he's doing.

I don't need any more ammo against my dad; what I need is to obey my Lord and remember what it cost Him to give us Himself. He wanted relationships with us so badly that He was willing to give up His Son's life. His Son asked us to be like the Father, forgiving and being merciful to one another.

“Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.” Luke 6:36

I'm not giving myself excuses but it's really hard to put into practice. When I'm around my dad I feel nearly repelled by him; I want nothing to do with him at all. A friend of mine recently said, “Pray about that specifically! Pray about it a lot.” And so I shall.

I finished “Bright Evening Star” by Madeleine L'Engle and I strongly recommend it. I have requested another of her books from the library because I liked this one so much.

Challenging Possibilities

2008-04-08T14:54:00.000-07:00

I have started reading the book “Bright Evening Star” by Madeleine L’Engle, in which she contemplates the Incarnation. It’s a wonderful book! I’m loving every word. She talks about discoveries in science: Galileo’s theory that the earth is not actually the center of the universe; Bruno’s claim of the existence of a plurality of worlds and their eternity; Darwin’s theory of evolution.

“Our growth in knowledge changed our understanding of the universe, but surely it neither changed nor threatened God…Could God love us as much if we were merely a planet in an ordinary solar system in a spiral galaxy, instead of the center of the universe? To some people it seemed that the intimate God who loves us, knows us, blesses us, could not be great enough to cope with the billions of galaxies flying away from us and still have attention for us creatures. But yes! Yes, our God is great enough to love us despite the enormity of Creation.”

I once read most of the book “The Case for a Creator” and I remember coming away with the feeling that God wants me to know I am not at the center of the universe. All things revolve around Him and His love and His holiness; all things are sustained by His omnipotence and His omniscience and His self-existence.

She considers the question of free will a little and makes this comment:

“When it was believed that everything was already predetermined, from the beginning to the end, free will was more of an empty phrase than a challenging possibility.”

I consider the term “challenging possibility” and remember that Jesus said, “Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.” (Matt 5:48). Maybe a wee bit more than “challenging” but Jesus didn’t say it for no reason. Then I remember that He said, “With God all things are possible” (Matt 19:26).

Speaking of challenging possibilities, the other day I discovered that I actually like my boss. It was a surprise to me. And a few days later he told me I was doing a good job! And that he and Krista will miss me when I go! And now, every once in awhile, they make comments about how maybe I should abandon ministry and stay with them.

My church has just resumed going through the book of Ephesians, picking back up in chapter 4. Three words were defined for us on Sunday.

Humility: setting aside what could be yours for the benefit of another
Gentleness: cutting someone a break, especially when they don’t deserve it
Patience: making allowances for someone else’s shortcomings

Free will.
Imagine – instead of grasping for power, authority, etc – being humble, gentle, and patient. Imagine the Body of Christ being knit together as one. Imagine my boss and me not only tolerating each other, not only getting along but sharing life, walking alongside each other, holding each other up... seeing Jesus in one another (no way!).

Sometimes (most of the time) the only reason I don't live this way is because I don't trust God; I don't fully understand that He has a plan and if I surrender to it, all things will come out right.

I look back at that day Dave was angry with me and I'm so glad for how I trusted God. It's a moment to marvel at and feel excited about and be proud of.

I have to go.

Be Still

2008-02-29T13:49:00.000-08:00

My job at the warehouse has been very interesting. My boss is a character and the job itself has been physically difficult. When I first started this job I told myself I was going to work my butt off – and I have!! I have worked fast and hard and never once complained about anything. I’ve been so very proud of myself for my performance; except for YD, I have never before purposefully and consistently worked as hard as I can.

But I felt as if something were wrong. My boss never told me, “Good job.” He never said, “You worked really hard today, thank you.” This has been on my mind quite a bit and I finally came to the conclusion that he didn’t affirm easily and so I decided to be secure in the knowledge that I am working as hard as I can.

Meanwhile, I have stored up stories for whoever wants to hear them. I mean, the guy (my boss) is just a nut! It wasn’t long after I met him that he became firmly established in my mind as a fool. There’s just no other way to describe him. I delighted in sharing with people all the quirky and crazy things he had to say.

Like one morning as he was showing me how to put together fly reels. “I’ve been thinking about why God put you here,” he said to me.

“Oh yeah?”

“I think you’re here so I can help you heal from all the bad male relationships in your past,” he arrogantly proclaimed. Ok.

One day, just as I was leaving, we started talking about Christian books (i.e. “Confessions” by Augustine or “Mere Christianity” by C.S. Lewis). “I’m just reading the Bible right now because I feel like I have to make up for 30 years of not reading it,” he told me.

“Then you should definitely be reading the Bible.”

“First I want to know what Jesus said. Then I want to become familiar with the words of Paul. Then I want to see what the prophets had to say to people who didn’t want to follow God so I know how to curse sinners.” !!!!!!!!

Monday I was asked to put together some fly line. I had just finished the task (I thought), my cd was nearly over (less than 30 seconds), and it was just past 11:00 (break time!) so I thought, “I’ll just enjoy the end of this song and then go ask for a break.” I had just leaned back on the counter when Dave walked in. Crap! I was quick to tell him that I had just finished my task and hadn’t been leaning long but I was pretty sure he didn’t believe me. But I shrugged it off.

The next morning when I showed up the first thing Dave said was, “There’s one line sitting back there on the bench. I thought I asked you to do all of them?”

I felt myself become instantly defensive. “I thought I did do them all. I’ll go check.” I marched back there feeling self-righteous and defiant only to find that I had, indeed, forgotten one whole line. My memory of the day before, leaning on the counter, came back to me. Another thought flashed across my mind as well. I once heard Dave say about someone, “I just don’t see Jesus in his life.” I kind of get the feeling he says the same thing about me when I’m not around. I know Jesus is very much so in my life but having someone not believe that kind of bugs me (esp. a fool like him, right?). I had another realization but hold on a moment and allow me to mention something else.

My book study group is currently going through “Mere Christianity”. One of the chapters we discussed Monday evening was about pride; C.S. Lewis considers it “the great sin”. We went around and mentioned one area in which we struggle with pride. Like so many people, pride is one of my hugest problems, but I couldn’t come up with a single example at that moment. So I prayed, “Lord, show me.” The next morning I prayed the same thing again, along with, “… and humble me,” at the same time thinking, “Alright, I’m in for it now!” I mean, you don’t usually pray for humility and then later (in the humble moment) think, “Sweet, God’s answering my prayer!”

Anyway, my realization was that God was answering my prayer. I’m pretty sure the man “doesn’t see Jesus in my life”; the day before he caught me leaning up against a counter; now I was being confronted with a stupid mistake I’d made (and he really did seem unusually upset over such a small thing). God was purposefully making me look like a fool to this man whom I thought was a fool. How humiliating!

Another thing suddenly struck me. When I was job hunting it occasionally occurred to me that I had never mastered the art of submitting to my bosses. It was like God was just kind of reminding me that that was an area in which I really needed to work and I would always push the thought away, “I’m not there yet,” I would think.

My pastor’s sermon from a couple weeks ago blazed into my mind and I remember him saying that when God wants us to learn something in particular, He keeps us in that situation or ones like it so we can learn.

Had I ever “submitted” to Dave as my boss? Heck no! I’d decided early on that he was just a kook. Who submits to a kook?

Of course I was looking like a fool! I may continue to look like a fool the entire time I know him. As I wrote in my journal Tuesday afternoon, “What’s important is that I learn to submit to the man when he reprimands me and be humble about my mistakes.”

But the realizations were not done with me yet. I was reflecting on how, lately, I look at people as they speak to me and think about how much God loves them. I don’t feel that way about Dave. But during book study we discussed something C.S. Lewis said: “Do not waste your time bothering whether you ‘love’ your neighbor; act as if you did. As soon as we do this we find one of the great secrets. When you are behaving as if you loved someone, you will presently come to love him.”

It now appeared as if my mission at W.W. Grigg was to learn humility, submission, and to love the unlovable.

I felt as though I really needed to open my Bible to something about fruits of the Spirit. Just as I was about to flip it open I felt God say, “Here, let me do that.” So I let it flip open at random and read the first thing I set eyes on. Haha, get this: “I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful.” John 15:1-2. More fruitful!! Whoo-hoo!! I’m being pruned!! At this point, I couldn’t wait to be pruned.

As the day progressed, I was told I’d made quite a few more mistakes. I took it cheerfully, now that I knew what was going on. I really felt like the Spirit was urging me to tell Dave I was sorry for all the mistakes I’d been making but I never found a moment in which to do so. I determined to say it the next day.

Here’s what I wrote in my journal the next morning:

I think this is all part of being still and coming to know that You are God. There is nothing to fear in this situation; there should be no pride or arrogance; there’s no cause for a self righteous attitude. You are pruning me and helping the gifts of Your Spirit to flourish. You are teaching me to rely on You. You are teaching me to stop worrying, stressing, feeling angry, etc., and just know You’re there taking care of everything.

“[The Spirit] comes from the Father, who looked down with unspeakable good pleasure on the humiliation and obedience and self-sacrifice of Christ, as the highest proof of his surrender to him.”

“[Christ] desires to manifest his likeness in us and to give us a full share of all that is his.” (quotes from “The Prayer Life” by Andrew Murray)

The words from the first sentence seem familiar to me; I think that’s what You are working on in me. You are doing this so the second sentence can be true.

How could I not be excited about being pruned? I just read those verses again and I am so excited! Of course, it’s the actual sitting in the moment that is hard. Probably when I get to work Dave will say something that will trigger anger, frustration, something.

When I got to work, I continued to feel urged by the Spirit to apologize for all the mistakes I’d been making. I finally went into Dave’s office and did that. Phew! I got an ear full! Dave just started telling me that there were other people who wanted the job, that when he walked in and saw me leaning on the bench the other day he was done with me, that he needs people who are willing to work hard and I wasn’t doing that, He was glad I was reading the Word but when he comes in and finds that I’m doing it on his time that frustrates him, and on and on and on.

I just stood there and ate it. I ate it all. This whole time I thought I was working my butt off and have been feeling very proud of myself and I just ate it. How terribly painful!

Then the tirade morphed. He began telling me that He didn’t have time to spend with God, that he couldn’t sleep at night because he was trying to figure out the next step for his business before he went bankrupt, that he was still struggling over the fact that Krista had been pregnant but God took the baby away.

At one point he was done and I felt the Spirit urge me to offer to pray for him. So I told home I would be praying for him. That wasn’t good enough for God so He roused Dave into more talking until I finally had the courage to say, “Can I pray for you right now?” I hate praying out loud in front of people! After I prayed he told me that was the best thing to happen all day “so far”. I told him I want to work hard for him, then the conversation was over and I went back out to the warehouse.

I spent the rest of the day in silence, thinking hard and feeling like crap. I still think I’ve been working hard this whole time and God just put blinders on Dave’s eyes so all this would happen. I fully believe that it serves a purpose that is quite possibly beyond me. I will work as hard as I can but I think the biggest change will be in my attitude toward Dave and he may (or may not and there’s nothing I can do about it) see this as a change in my performance.

As I left for the day I told Dave thank you for being honest with me. He started telling me about how when he walks into the warehouse he gets a snapshot of things from the past and he’s just enabled so many people and been backed into corners and had to learn how to bite back (I think that may have been an apology). Then he said he’s told Mary earlier that never has he received an offer of prayer from someone he’d just bitten. “That was really cool,” he said.

I am learning humility, submission, and to love the unlovable. Apparently Dave needed to see Jesus and somehow, through my painful learning process, he did. I can only hope.

I am learning humility, submission, and to love the unlovable, and all of this is teaching me to be still and know that He is God.

And I have so, so far to go. But what an amazing journey!